Big Trouble.

[ChristineES]

I am the mother of 3 children, 2 of who are special needs. I am unable to work at present due to disability. Because of that we have less income. To help us out, we agreed to take care of a friend's daughter for extra income. The problem is this child is spoiled. She is always causing problems. She riles up my autistic son to a degree where he cannot settle down again. My Asperger's son has troubles of his own and this child aggravates him no end.
Certainly, my children are not angels by any means, but compared to this child, they almost are.
I really do like this child. She is very gifted and intelligent. I don't want to stop caring for her, but I am at wit's end with her behavior. She does subtle things to irritate people. On Friday, she dumped all the dishes of cat food into their water dishes.
I am not sure what to do about it. My husband is about to just tell the child's mother we don't want to care for her anymore, and to get her a new caregiver. I don't really want that, because I like the mother and consider her a friend.

 

[Nikki]

Call Nanny 911!!!

If only it were that easy, huh? :

You need to sit down with the mother and lay out discipline tactics on the table. You are caring for this child, therefore you have the right to discipline her. You don't necessarily have to spank her either. Spanking never worked with my youngest. A token system has worked WONDERS though.

It would also be beneficial to your other children. ( I have one ADD child and I'm slowly learning discipline tactics that really do work! )

With us, the token system goes like this:

I bought a bag of those little decorative stones that you see in fish tanks. They're about the size of a penny. Those are our "tokens". Most people use poker chips or pretend money. I found that the stones are cheaper though. (Do NOT use these if the child is young because it can pose a choking hazard if they get ahold of them)

When the kids are good and do their chores, eat their meals, get along with each other, etc....they earn a token. When they misbehave, fight, argue, talk back, throw tantrums, etc....they LOSE a token. My kids gain and lose tokens all throughout the day. It's something you really need to keep on top of, but it's fairly easy because it's not time consuming. It just involves dropping a "token" in a cup when they behave or taking one out when they misbehave.

Once the child earns 20 tokens, they get to buy something from the Dollar Tree (a store where everything costs just one dollar). They are thrilled to death and it's CHEAP! It doesn't even have to be a toy. It can be an ice cream sundae "party" or an hours worth of playing games.

My girls each have their own reward cup that I keep their stones in. You can use a plain plastic cup and just write each childs name on their cup with a permanent marker. I keep the cups and stones on top of the fridge so they can't get ahold of them and "cheat" by giving themselves more tokens.

You really need to talk to the mother though and stress your concerns because she needs to talk to her own child about how to behave in someone elses home. You also need to discuss what types of discipline are allowed. I personally would never lay a hand on another persons child. I wouldn't feel right and these days, you never know when someone may stretch the truth and get you for "abuse". It happened to a friend of mine that works in a daycare setting. Thankfully, the center had hidden cameras and they were able to prove that she did NOT hit the child.

 

[mstrohm]

If you really cared about the mom and her daughter you should be honest with her about her daughter. Be clear with your expectations. I wrote a short 75 page book called Loving Limits. You can download it free at:
http://colossians2.com/index.php?option=com_performs&formid=2&Itemid=49

 

[Klee shay]

Forbid the children not. Do not forbid one of the Lord's children from his grace, mercy and love simply because she is troublesome. Just as Jesus has opened his hand and showed you his grace in your trials and struggles in life - so too you now must open your's to this lost child.

For she is feeling lost and looking for direction. Her behaviour searches for what she lacks. Attention would seem to be the obvious answer here; but perhaps she is searching to feel loved? Parents who spoil children do it because they lack the ability to show them love first-hand. The fact you are caring for another woman's child when you have your own - tells you that this child's mother is away from her.

Every child which feels abandoned by their parents craves attention. I know mine does when I spend too much time on the computer, LOL. She is a great guide to live my life by. Bad and disruptive behaviour means I'm spending too much time putting other things before her.

You are unfortunately left to deal with the destructive tendancies of a little girl who feels abandoned by her own mother. While I'm sure her mother does the utmost to care for her, perhaps circumstnace is inevitably drawing her away from putting the time in for her own child.

My mother for example was a single parent in the days before pensions were enough to live off...so she HAD to work in order to feed two children as well as herself. Circumstance dictated that we had to be separated from time to time so that we could afford to live. What God did however was provide people after his own heart, to effect us in the right ways. There was always a Godly person in our lives ready to show us the Lord's mercy and grace; so that we did not lose heart in our circumstances - whatever they may be.

Perhaps this is now your calling too. A child is lost and through circumstance she cannot bond with her mother right now. You are in need of some money - a paid mother on one hand but also a loving mother with children who have specific needs themselves. Are you not the right candidate for this child? Would God have placed her in your life if you were not?

She is not a burden as much as a calling to share the direction God has revealed through his own son's disciples. Forbid the children not. The calling is love.

The best thing for destructive children is to help them feel involved and love. How they behave may not line-up with that idea but encouragement is a wonderful tool to guide children by. When she tips the cats food into the water; get her to wash all the bowls out and put the dry cat food back as well as the water. When she can see how important her efforts are, she will learn to appreciate other's efforts too.

She was probably trying to show everybody that she's not as invisible as she feels right now. Look what I can do! Look at me, I'm important. This drive for attention is only misguided in how she tries to get it. Show her by the grace of God, how to work the right way. Show her that even when she feels out of place; there is a place for her nonetheless if she chooses to cooperate.

As a parent with special needs children you probably don't want the added responsibility right now; but I can assure you that a kind gesture towards this child will never be forgotten as long as she lives. I still remember the kind hearted people that helped a divorced family back when it wasn't so popular in society to have divorced families. These people will be my building blocks for the rest of my life. They were examples after God's own heart and God put them there because as children we needed them; or we were lost.

What can you show this child and what can she show you about God's own heart? You are a blessing not only to your own children, but to one that through circumstance has found her way into your care. God blesses those that seek his own heart and to those who can reveal it.

Pray for God's direction and do not lose hope in one child that is lost.

God bless.