Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
When our boys were ready to drive, we found that boundaries with teens equals the key to freedom.
Our sons went through all the normal training, conversations, and excitement associated with learning to drive.
And while my wife and I were happy about our teens’ new level of freedom, we also found that this new autonomy provided an automatic leverage for us as parents. The car keys (and our teens’ desire to keep the privilege of using them) actually helped curb some negative behaviors in our home. In an ironic way, this symbol of freedom provided us with an effective tool to help our boys learn a critical life skill: self-control.
Adolescence is a time of exploring, challenging, thinking through values and questions about God, and longing for freedom. It’s a season when teens don’t want to control their urges or impulses and parents want ultimate control. This tension between parents and teens can produce arguing, power struggles, and rebellion. Rather than trying to control a teen’s freedom, parents should place effective boundaries around that freedom so their teen can learn self-control, frustration tolerance, and delayed gratification. These skills can help him navigate the teen years and young adult life.
Simply put, it is a property line. A property line defines where your home begins and ends so you are clear about what is yours and what is not. In the same way, a family boundary delineates what is your responsibility in life and what is not. It clarifies what you are for and what you are against — what you will allow and what you will not — all for the purpose of protecting and guarding the family God has given you.
Ultimately, a boundary is about taking stewardship over your heart and the heart of your teens: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Clear boundaries with your teens not only create more order in the family, they also provide a way for teens to mature as they learn how to control their choices.
Whether the issue is minor (curfews, disrespect, or chores) or major (drugs or sexual behaviors), there are four elements to consider when setting healthy boundaries:
The first thing adolescents need to know for certain is that you are for them. Your teen may not act like he needs your care, but he does. Listen to him, enter his world and connect with. Your love helps your teen to accept and benefit from his boundaries.
Be clear and reasonable about the boundary you are setting, otherwise your teen won’t know where the boundary line is. Clarify the requirement for him, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). For example:
“I want you to make a certain grade point average (commensurate to your teen’s academic ability) because you are capable of it.”
“We are a zero-tolerance home for drugs.”
“You may disagree with me, but disrespectful words, tones, or behavior are unacceptable.”
Encourage Your Teen to Stick With Jesus
Get this free video series called “Raising Your Teen to be a Resilient Christian” which will provide essential help as you navigate the spiritual journey your teen is on.
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For many parents, the hardest part of setting boundaries is the need to affirm that your teen has a choice. He can choose to obey the rule (your boundary) or not; you cannot make a teen obey. So let him know you understand he has both the responsibility to obey and the freedom not to. God does the same thing with His own children: “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24:15). In the world of parents and teens, it goes something like this: “You don’t have to achieve these grades, and I can’t make you. It’s up to you, but I hope you will do it.”
Your teen needs to know there is a consequence for violating your boundary. Consequences help your adolescent understand the reality of sowing and reaping: “A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7). So instead of trying to force your teen to make acceptable grades, you set up a consequence that matters to him. It may include grounding; loss of driving time; loss of phone, computer or video electronic privileges; or extra chores. The key is that the consequence should be appropriate for the violation (not too harsh and not too light), and it should be something that matters to your teen. Do your own detective work to find out what your kid cares about.
The good thing about boundaries with teens is that they can become a cultural norm in your home. When you lovingly set and keep boundaries, your teen will begin to accept them and develop internal strength and a sense of responsibility. Boundaries are a part of God’s created order for life — helping all of us grow.
Kimberly Chastain, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist shared the following 15 survival tips for parenting preteens and teens:
1. Your children are on an emotional roller coaster due to hormonal changes and mood swings. You do not have to ride the roller coaster with them. Don’t allow your child’s mood to affect yours. Acknowledge their emotions, but avoid taking on their mood.
2. Develop a thick skin. Adolescents often say mean and hateful things. Although it’s unacceptable, it does happen. When kids are preparing to break away, it can be quite messy as they try to push their parents away with words. It still hurts, but don’t take it to heart.
3. Set clear limits. It’s tempting to give in rather than stand firm. (Adolescents are great at arguing.) But this age group still needs boundaries and limits. No one else is going to meet that need but you.
4. Do not engage in a long discussion after you have already given your decision. All teenagers are attorneys-in-training and will argue a point to its death. They hope if they bug you long enough you will give in. Inform them it’s the end of the discussion and walk away.
5. When you find yourself raising your voice, take a time-out. Someone has to be the adult . . . you! All too often, parents end up acting like teenagers themselves. Even if they push your buttons, remember, someone has to remain calm. Instead, try lowering your voice whenever your teenager raises his or hers.
6. Have your own support group. When kids are little, parents share everything with their friends. Once they become teenagers, parents don’t share as much. Talk to other parents and find out what “everyone else” is doing. Decide to establish a group curfew, keeping everyone on the same page. There is strength in numbers. (Just look at the teenagers!)
7. Enlist other adults who share your values to talk to your children. As hard as it is to admit, often teenagers will talk to anyone except their parents. Sometimes it helps to have another adult to confide in whose advice you trust.
8. Take each and every opportunity to listen when they want to talk. This may not happen very often, so it’s important that you drop everything to listen. It may happen late at night. If your child finally decides to open up with you, then you need to be all ears. Remember, God gave you two ears and one mouth. That means you should be listening twice as much as you speak.
9. Choose your battles. Are you on your child’s case every day about something? At some point, let it go. Don’t be a permanent nag. The big battles are: drugs, alcohol and sex. Since kids listen to a limited amount of what parents have to say, better that they hear the important messages, not just that their rooms are a mess. When tempted to nag, ask yourself “Will this matter 10 years from now?”
10. Use captive moments in the car to talk. It seems teenagers do their best talking when they don’t have to make eye contact. And in the car they can’t run away. Some of your best conversations can take place while driving to the next activity.
11. Get to know their friends and be willing to allow them to come to your home. You’ll know what’s going on better than if they were at someone else’s house. Often, your teen’s friends will tell you things about your child you didn’t know. It helps to keep you informed.
12. Find the actions and behaviors your child is doing well and tell him. Look for opportunities to praise your child. Call attention to his admirable personality characteristics. Even a headstrong, stubborn child has a positive aspect. Determination, persistence, and a stick-to-it mentality will benefit him later in life. His ability to persevere is admirable.
13. Be prepared to admit when you’re wrong and ask your children for forgiveness. After all, it’s what you expect from them. You will gain a great deal of respect from your teenager by admitting when you are wrong. All too often, teenagers tell me their parents have never asked them for forgiveness because the parents have not once admitted they were wrong.
14. Teenagers want to spend time with their parents, but will rarely admit it or ask to do it. Make sure they are on your to-do list, especially when things have been difficult. They need reminders that they are a priority in your life.
15. Remember the famous saying, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes a parent needs to just hang on until they get through a difficult time. It will get better. I know there are times when it doesn’t seem possible. But this too shall pass. Remember when your children were babies and it seemed they would never get out of diapers?
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, leadership coach and organizational consultant. He is the author or co-author of 27 books, including Boundaries With Teens and the best-seller Boundaries.
The post Boundaries with Teens: The Key to Freedom appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
When our boys were ready to drive, we found that boundaries with teens equals the key to freedom.
Our sons went through all the normal training, conversations, and excitement associated with learning to drive.
And while my wife and I were happy about our teens’ new level of freedom, we also found that this new autonomy provided an automatic leverage for us as parents. The car keys (and our teens’ desire to keep the privilege of using them) actually helped curb some negative behaviors in our home. In an ironic way, this symbol of freedom provided us with an effective tool to help our boys learn a critical life skill: self-control.
Adolescence is a time of exploring, challenging, thinking through values and questions about God, and longing for freedom. It’s a season when teens don’t want to control their urges or impulses and parents want ultimate control. This tension between parents and teens can produce arguing, power struggles, and rebellion. Rather than trying to control a teen’s freedom, parents should place effective boundaries around that freedom so their teen can learn self-control, frustration tolerance, and delayed gratification. These skills can help him navigate the teen years and young adult life.
What is a boundary?
Simply put, it is a property line. A property line defines where your home begins and ends so you are clear about what is yours and what is not. In the same way, a family boundary delineates what is your responsibility in life and what is not. It clarifies what you are for and what you are against — what you will allow and what you will not — all for the purpose of protecting and guarding the family God has given you.
Ultimately, a boundary is about taking stewardship over your heart and the heart of your teens: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Clear boundaries with your teens not only create more order in the family, they also provide a way for teens to mature as they learn how to control their choices.
Whether the issue is minor (curfews, disrespect, or chores) or major (drugs or sexual behaviors), there are four elements to consider when setting healthy boundaries:
Love
The first thing adolescents need to know for certain is that you are for them. Your teen may not act like he needs your care, but he does. Listen to him, enter his world and connect with. Your love helps your teen to accept and benefit from his boundaries.
Truth
Be clear and reasonable about the boundary you are setting, otherwise your teen won’t know where the boundary line is. Clarify the requirement for him, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). For example:
“I want you to make a certain grade point average (commensurate to your teen’s academic ability) because you are capable of it.”
“We are a zero-tolerance home for drugs.”
“You may disagree with me, but disrespectful words, tones, or behavior are unacceptable.”
Encourage Your Teen to Stick With Jesus
in a World That Denies Him
Get this free video series called “Raising Your Teen to be a Resilient Christian” which will provide essential help as you navigate the spiritual journey your teen is on.Start Today!
Freedom
For many parents, the hardest part of setting boundaries is the need to affirm that your teen has a choice. He can choose to obey the rule (your boundary) or not; you cannot make a teen obey. So let him know you understand he has both the responsibility to obey and the freedom not to. God does the same thing with His own children: “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24:15). In the world of parents and teens, it goes something like this: “You don’t have to achieve these grades, and I can’t make you. It’s up to you, but I hope you will do it.”
Reality
Your teen needs to know there is a consequence for violating your boundary. Consequences help your adolescent understand the reality of sowing and reaping: “A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7). So instead of trying to force your teen to make acceptable grades, you set up a consequence that matters to him. It may include grounding; loss of driving time; loss of phone, computer or video electronic privileges; or extra chores. The key is that the consequence should be appropriate for the violation (not too harsh and not too light), and it should be something that matters to your teen. Do your own detective work to find out what your kid cares about.
The good thing about boundaries with teens is that they can become a cultural norm in your home. When you lovingly set and keep boundaries, your teen will begin to accept them and develop internal strength and a sense of responsibility. Boundaries are a part of God’s created order for life — helping all of us grow.
Kimberly Chastain, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist shared the following 15 survival tips for parenting preteens and teens:
1. Your children are on an emotional roller coaster due to hormonal changes and mood swings. You do not have to ride the roller coaster with them. Don’t allow your child’s mood to affect yours. Acknowledge their emotions, but avoid taking on their mood.
2. Develop a thick skin. Adolescents often say mean and hateful things. Although it’s unacceptable, it does happen. When kids are preparing to break away, it can be quite messy as they try to push their parents away with words. It still hurts, but don’t take it to heart.
3. Set clear limits. It’s tempting to give in rather than stand firm. (Adolescents are great at arguing.) But this age group still needs boundaries and limits. No one else is going to meet that need but you.
4. Do not engage in a long discussion after you have already given your decision. All teenagers are attorneys-in-training and will argue a point to its death. They hope if they bug you long enough you will give in. Inform them it’s the end of the discussion and walk away.
5. When you find yourself raising your voice, take a time-out. Someone has to be the adult . . . you! All too often, parents end up acting like teenagers themselves. Even if they push your buttons, remember, someone has to remain calm. Instead, try lowering your voice whenever your teenager raises his or hers.
6. Have your own support group. When kids are little, parents share everything with their friends. Once they become teenagers, parents don’t share as much. Talk to other parents and find out what “everyone else” is doing. Decide to establish a group curfew, keeping everyone on the same page. There is strength in numbers. (Just look at the teenagers!)
7. Enlist other adults who share your values to talk to your children. As hard as it is to admit, often teenagers will talk to anyone except their parents. Sometimes it helps to have another adult to confide in whose advice you trust.
8. Take each and every opportunity to listen when they want to talk. This may not happen very often, so it’s important that you drop everything to listen. It may happen late at night. If your child finally decides to open up with you, then you need to be all ears. Remember, God gave you two ears and one mouth. That means you should be listening twice as much as you speak.
9. Choose your battles. Are you on your child’s case every day about something? At some point, let it go. Don’t be a permanent nag. The big battles are: drugs, alcohol and sex. Since kids listen to a limited amount of what parents have to say, better that they hear the important messages, not just that their rooms are a mess. When tempted to nag, ask yourself “Will this matter 10 years from now?”
10. Use captive moments in the car to talk. It seems teenagers do their best talking when they don’t have to make eye contact. And in the car they can’t run away. Some of your best conversations can take place while driving to the next activity.
11. Get to know their friends and be willing to allow them to come to your home. You’ll know what’s going on better than if they were at someone else’s house. Often, your teen’s friends will tell you things about your child you didn’t know. It helps to keep you informed.
12. Find the actions and behaviors your child is doing well and tell him. Look for opportunities to praise your child. Call attention to his admirable personality characteristics. Even a headstrong, stubborn child has a positive aspect. Determination, persistence, and a stick-to-it mentality will benefit him later in life. His ability to persevere is admirable.
13. Be prepared to admit when you’re wrong and ask your children for forgiveness. After all, it’s what you expect from them. You will gain a great deal of respect from your teenager by admitting when you are wrong. All too often, teenagers tell me their parents have never asked them for forgiveness because the parents have not once admitted they were wrong.
14. Teenagers want to spend time with their parents, but will rarely admit it or ask to do it. Make sure they are on your to-do list, especially when things have been difficult. They need reminders that they are a priority in your life.
15. Remember the famous saying, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes a parent needs to just hang on until they get through a difficult time. It will get better. I know there are times when it doesn’t seem possible. But this too shall pass. Remember when your children were babies and it seemed they would never get out of diapers?
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, leadership coach and organizational consultant. He is the author or co-author of 27 books, including Boundaries With Teens and the best-seller Boundaries.
The post Boundaries with Teens: The Key to Freedom appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...