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Changed husband

J

Jules_C

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Aug 17, 2012
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Hello all,

I married my boyfriend four years ago - since his Christian conversion, he has made many changes. It's quite a strict church, and he has radically changed his attitudes.

Many of the changes are good, but I sometimes feel concerned that he has been swept along by some of the domineering church members. I think change should come from within, not imposed by others.

I attend another church.
 
Have you talked to him about it?

Sent from my HTC Desire S using Tapatalk 2
 
Yes - it's not a massive issue for me, but it's a bit unnerving that he has made so many changes so quickly. The church takes a very literal view of things like dress codes, and male and female roles. They are quite categorical on many things, and David sometimes seems to be speaking their words, not his.
 
Maybe this is like the treasure in the field parable. He has found God is most important and is trying to realign his life. Are you guys young? The older you are the stronger your identity usually. I tried on a lot of ideas in my early twenties.
 
We're fairly young, yes. I do think it's important to maintain your identity, while at the same time finding obedience. Sometimes I think the 'obedience' bit has gone a bit far with David.
 
Jules_C, you should really be attending the same church as your husband, otherwise it is extremely difficult for you to grow together in Christ. I can understand his current predicament, especially if he is a rather impressionable individual. I would suggest attending church with him and seeing who he is hanging out with. It is always a good idea to meet with an elder or the pastor if you feel one or both of you are being led down a wrong path. It is very possible that there are people in his church that are only there to spread a false doctrine.

It is better for you to show your support of him growing in his faith, and going to a different church is not contributing to this.
 
The Bible paints an image of the church as our mother. Mothers help their children change for the better.
 
It is better for you to show your support of him growing in his faith, and going to a different church is not contributing to this.
Click to expand...

I will try: it is just more difficult for me to accept things as readily as my husband does. I'm more questioning. Often I envy people their certainty and clear-mindedness!
 
Jules_C said:
I will try: it is just more difficult for me to accept things as readily as my husband does. I'm more questioning. Often I envy people their certainty and clear-mindedness!
Click to expand...

I am not saying you should just accept what he is learning. When it comes to doctrines being espoused by men you should always question it, especially if it even remotely contradicts scripture.
 
Jules_C said:
I will try: it is just more difficult for me to accept things as readily as my husband does. I'm more questioning. Often I envy people their certainty and clear-mindedness!
Click to expand...

Don't envy them. I haven't met a pastor yet who had it all right. God gave us brains for a reason- so we could use them. He wants us to be the head, not the hindquarters (Deuteronomy 28:13).

That said, about your husband, he probably is changing too fast. People don't tend to do well with changing fast, and it wouldn't surprise me if he started going to a different church, if he wouldn't start changing his views again. I might suggest trying a new church *together*, and that way you could use it as an excuse to find a church that works for both of you. If he isn't willing to go, I might check out his church a few times to see who is manipulating him, so that I might be able to better direct my prayers and the SO. If you are feeling controlled or that attempts at control are happening, that's mostly like not God. God sends out an invitation and gives free will. The devil tries to force people to do stuff on a regular basis, because it allows him to say "I own you. You don't. Your body and mind are mine. You don't matter." I certainly wouldn't give up on your old church if your hubby isn't willing to change his though. No point in losing your faith simply trying to make things look kosher. If your husband tries to play the man card, tell him that the Bible says he is to love you like Christ loved the Church, and Christ gave himself for the Church. (Obviously I'm not saying he should do whatever you say, but this might help to put the relationship in a better balance.)
 
I would say, go to church with him but go to a Bible study at your other church, especially if it is a womens group. Hopefully it might keep you in balance and give you support.
Change from without turns into legalism.
When my husband was saved he turned into an affectionate little puppy that followed me around everywhere and nibbled on my ear in the kitchen when I had a knife in my hand chopping vegetables. I thought it would ware off but it got much worse. It took some time for me to get used to the new hubby. I used to pray, please God, don't take it away, but give me the grace to endure my new hubby. It blossomed into a much closer friendship since we pray together every night aloud, each of us offering a different perspective to our prayer and so praying for different things. We complement each other.
Remember that he won't grow the same way you did or in the same areas. And the ways he has chosen to take leadership are probably not the areas you want to give over to him. He has to do his own thing. So give him his space and pray to see how you can be what he is not i.e. to fill in in his weaker areas. Meanwhile, try to honor his directives as though they were given by Jesus. When he becomes more confident as the leader of the home he may relax a little. especially as you give him the honor and respct that are due him. You need to become his helpmeat and to support him in his decisions. Later on you may be able to voice a few things that bother you about this church. But if you do it now he will take it very personally and it will most probably wound him. Right now he might take your rejeting his church as rejecting him.
 
We have ironed out most of our differences, and are now attending the same church.
 
Thanks - it has taken a lot of patience and perseverance to come to terms with our differences.
 
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