Child abuse??? What do I do?

[1corinthians]

Hi everyone. I could really use some godly counsel I am married and I have 3 beautiful children. My son is 4 and I have 2 daughters. One is 2 and the other 4 months. I am a christian.....my husband is not. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works hard and supports us. He finds it very important to take care of all of us. The problem that I am having is the way he treats our children. My family....and friends all say he is an abusive father. I have spoken to some christians though at church and they showed me verses in the bible about discipline. I am just torn because I dont know what to do.

My husband rarely spends time with the children. He would only be sweet to them when they were infants as he is right now with our 4 month old. He doesn't praise them, hug them, spend time with them, tell them he loves them, etc. He will buy them candy and toys on occasion. He constantly yells at them.....screams in their face....and has used the belt many times on them. I believe in correction when the child is outright disobeying. But he will hit them if they are too loud....or jumping around...talking during dinner....little kids stuff that I believe they can't control because of their age. He will constantly curse at them as well.

I am just so torn. He says he is the man and needs repsect and I understand he wants his children to obey him. But I feel like it's gone too far? I feel he is expecting too much from them. What bothers me even more....is that he shows no love towards them. When he comes home from work....he just starts yelling at them...like he's not even happy to see them....only the baby. I am worried because my son who is now 4.....has started stealing....says he doenst like his father...and is hitting his 2 year old sister constantly! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Sometimes I feel like I'm blind or something and an idiot and need to do something...and then other times my husband says it's my fault and I let the kids do whatever they want and they are out of control and bad and it's my fault.

 

[FormerGodHater]

Hi 1cor, thank you for sharing your burden. By posting it here I sense that you've reached a point of frustration and don't really know where else to turn right now. I have as a dad, on occasion, snapped and yelled at my kids and felt quite awful afterwards. When I've done these things, it's because I've been undergoing a stressful situation in my life, usually financially. Therefore, I can sort of relate to how your husband can act. However, I don't know what your husband does for a living, but it sounds to me like he has financial stress. The fact that he likes to see the infant and not the older kids could mean that the infant isn't as much as a 'money drain' in his eyes. Perhaps it's not financial; perhaps he feels he has no space to spend time in his "cave" or "nothing box" when he gets home. Maybe he's the type that likes the house in some sort of order and calmness when he gets home, including the kids doing something quietly or in another part of the house, and then you could ask, "Hi Honey, is there anything I can do for you right now?" I'm not talking sexually, I mean something like getting him a snack and just giving him his space until he's ready to get out of it. Asking him how is day went won't work at all; he won't want to be around you let alone the kids if you ask him that. Just ask him if he'd like anything, then leave him alone.

Anyhow, I hope that you've done what any Christian should do in a time of crisis: get on your knees before God. You have to pray with the belief that He has the power over any situation, including yours. I don't know what you should pray about, but I know you do. How will He answer? When? I don't know, but what I do know is that "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous (wo)man avails [helps, benefits] much." - James 5:16. If you read the rest of the end of James chapter 5 you'll read an example of such prayer.

I might also suggest some sort of fellowship situation where you can safely share your dilemma, but only if you already have one. It doesn't have to be a one-on-one counseling sort of situation, maybe a small group. However, if you don't already have such a situation, I believe you should seek one only after seeking God; He'll bring the right people/group across your path should He deem it necessary, so don't force it, even if it seems as though God's taking too long to answer. Your seeking should also include asking Him to lead you to portions of Scripture that He knows will help you. Until then, please keep praying with the belief that God has the power to change this situation, because quite frankly He does, plus he cares deeply for you, your children, and your husband.

 

[Gazelle]

:heart Thank you for sharing what has to be a very heartfelt concern. Indeed, you are the primary caregiver for your children and they rely upon you to keep them as safe as you can.

That others have spoken out about this (when so many keep silent in some situations) makes me believe that the situation is out of control, that they are concerned greatly for the safety of the children.

You cannot let this continue without speaking up to your spouse, setting some guidelines and making some goals, and defining consequences for all involved.

While most men will not sit down and discuss things--and I wonder if the male brain actually works normally that way--you need to discuss this soon. If there is a time or place that you find he talks (most men like to talk while shooting hoops or such, you know?) then choose or make that opportunity available.

Try not to become "his mother" when talking to him about the changes that need to be made. Try not to use "you" this and that much...but focus on the problem of not having a consistent method of discipline in the home. I would caution against saying others have noticed, for he might then blame you for discussing family business with the others.

The very issue that the children don't know what they will be disciplined for or when is a form of abuse...the fear of not knowing is detrimental. They need an atmosphere of love and understanding, with rules they can obey. Rules that they know what the consequences are IF they choose to disobey them. (You might even try a family sit down, defining the rules and the punishments for disobeying. Letting the children in on the process helps them feel part of the family and allows them to fully know that if they disobey, it's THEM who made that choice and it's the agreement that causes them to be punished. This takes the disciplining parent off the hook as the bad guy. ;) )

However, again, if the spouse refuses to discuss and agree, explain how you understand his frustration when children don't respond quickly and exactly as an adult might. BUT that you will no longer tolerate his hitting...(etc) the children. If he agrees, good, tell him you are holding him to it. Ask him what phrase or word he wants you to say to remind him.

If he rebels, then inform him these actions are not acceptable and that if he continues to what some consider abuse of the children, you'll have no recourse but to ask him to leave the home.

Tough love, I know. It often gets their attention though.

I would suggest that you find a psychologist or at the very least a trained counseling minister and have an appointment set up or ready to be set up. Tell your spouse that you have a contact for counseling and that either he goes alone or you go together to work out suitable disciplinary actions for children of those ages.

It could be he feels you aren't disciplining the children correctly or enough...taking counseling or perhaps a church seminar on the subject should alleviate a lot of the uncertainty. Counseling might also reveal that he was abused in his life, or is feeling abused at the job he works and is taking it out at home. Having a professional in on the process will help you realize whether this is a situation that can be improved or is demanding a more severe decision until he is able to act accordingly.

This is serious and needs attention. Speak in love, keep your voice down no matter how frustrated you become, breathe, trust God, and do it. :heart

 

[handy]

I agree with a lot of what FormerGodHater and Gazelle have said, and will probably echo some of their points.

It sound very much as if your husband is under a phenomenal amount of stress at work and needs some "down" time before family time.

As you are lovingly and as little criticizing as possible, bringing your concerns to your husband, you might want to ask him if it would be better if you had the kids fed, bathed and playing quietly in their own room when he comes home, and allow him some quiet time before dinner and maybe dinner with just you to talk things over. By then he might be ready to have some Daddy time, tuck them in bed or read a story. It could be that when he gets home he is just too overwhelmed by the kind of chaos that kids just are at that age. Ask him, find out from him what would be better. It might even be better for the kids to be in bed, if he doesn't get home too early in the day. Then perhaps it can be "daddy" time at breakfast, when everyone is well rested.

Keep in mind that God made us mothers be the caregivers for little children because often men just aren't patient enough when kids are that little.

(;) My husband, who loves his children dearly, read what I've written over my shoulder and is in full agreement with me. He worked late when our kids were the same ages as your kids, so often they were in bed when he got home. He actually preferred it that way.)

Also, I know this might sound really hard to hear, but a lot of us grew up with Dad's who yelled at us and spanked us, yes even with belts, and yet we grew to love and honor them. To me, the most alarming thing about his behavior isn't that he is harsh in his discipline, but that he is inconsistent and they just don't know what to expect. However, I'm not in your home, so I don't know if the kids are just getting harsh discipline or if he really is out and out abusive. I do know that in today's world, a lot of folks believe that a spanking with a belt is CHILD ABUSE...when for many of us older types, it was just business as usual.

Another thing to talk to your husband about is what he sees him doing to connect with the kids. Maybe at this age, he just can't relate, but when they get a little older, old enough to go fishing with daddy, or play ball in the yard, then he'll take more of an interest in them. I know that when our kids were young...hey my husband loved them, he just didn't quite know what to do with them. Now that they are older, he does a lot of things with them.

If he says that he really loves his kids, believe him. Do try to help him understand that the current situation isn't healthy for any of you, and if let go it could turn his kids hearts against him, something that might break his heart. By working together as a couple, you being the helpmeet and the caregiver for the little ones, and Daddy trying his best to relate to his little ones in a way that isn't overwhelming to him when he first gets home from work, you can probably work this out before serious damage is done.

 

[familypriorities]

I would be very concerned as, if you don't do something, it is probably only a matter of time before someone feels it is their duty to. As someone else has pointed out, that other people have said something when this is not common, does suggest there is a real issue here.

It is hard because you love your husband and no doubt feel torn between him and the children. Being stressed is one thing but it is not an excuse for what he is doing to the children. It is your job to protect them. If that means you have to stand up to him and tell him he is never to physically discipline the children then that is what you have to do.

I wonder what is being done to help your husband? Would he have stress counselling? Attend parenting courses? Those would be good places to start. Ultimately, if this doesn't help his interactions with the children, you may have some choices to make.

 

[theproofballet]

I am not sure if this is neccesarily Godly advice, but there is something that I would like to say which is just my first reaction to your thread; I am a young married woman pregnant with her second child, (my first is 2 1/2) I originally searched for a christian forum to seek out advice about my relationship with my abusive husband.
I havent posted yet because I came accross your thread and I there is something I want to say to you and ask you?

First, my husband hits me, kicks me, whacks me with items such as belts, among other things and I have recently become afraid of him. I was hoping to find some advice about what is the christian/moral or right thing to do and maybe just get some mental support as I get none elsewhere. I also (probably similar to your children) develop anxiety and a sense of fear when my husband pulls into the drive way or when he wakes up in the morning or on days he didnt get enough sleep etc. Despite the fact that I want to please God even if I wasnt sure what the "christian thing" to do was I have always told myself since the abuse started that if it ever moved to my children I would leave because I feel it is my duty to protect them and if I dont perform that duty I am sure I am disrespecting not only myself and helpless children but God as well.

So your post scares me. I know what it is to be a mother, the instinctive urge to protect your offspring from all of the bad in the world is uncontrollable. Yet women end up in this position more than is acceptable. It makes me fear for my children and my ability to parent them.

Did your Husband ever abuse you? Did he show signs of abusive behavior? Is it just your children? do you get that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach when he walks in the door? Do you feel that the abuse is your fault? I am trying get through a similar situation so I empathize but truly, I honestly hope that if my husband ever attempted to take a belt to my toddler / preschooler I would find the strength courage and wisdom from God to get my children away from the abusive and damaging situation.

I love God, I love my children and I love my husband but of the three what is most important to me are my children and God. AND my children are the only ones who can't protect themsleves and rely on me for that.


I will pray for your children and your husband but I will pray the most for you to get the courage to remove yourself and kids from this dangerous situation.

 

[felix]

I haven't read what others have replied but from what I have read, it looks like he is in some sort of stress and he doesn't know how to sort them. Usually, some sort of stress financially, stress from job, even relatives and friends etc will make him angry when he is not able to show his anger directly to them. I think you should understand his stress and help him out.

 

[handy]

I am not sure if this is neccesarily Godly advice, but there is something that I would like to say which is just my first reaction to your thread; I am a young married woman pregnant with her second child, (my first is 2 1/2) I originally searched for a christian forum to seek out advice about my relationship with my abusive husband.
I havent posted yet because I came accross your thread and I there is something I want to say to you and ask you?

First, my husband hits me, kicks me, whacks me with items such as belts, among other things and I have recently become afraid of him. I was hoping to find some advice about what is the christian/moral or right thing to do and maybe just get some mental support as I get none elsewhere. I also (probably similar to your children) develop anxiety and a sense of fear when my husband pulls into the drive way or when he wakes up in the morning or on days he didnt get enough sleep etc. Despite the fact that I want to please God even if I wasnt sure what the "christian thing" to do was I have always told myself since the abuse started that if it ever moved to my children I would leave because I feel it is my duty to protect them and if I dont perform that duty I am sure I am disrespecting not only myself and helpless children but God as well.

So your post scares me. I know what it is to be a mother, the instinctive urge to protect your offspring from all of the bad in the world is uncontrollable. Yet women end up in this position more than is acceptable. It makes me fear for my children and my ability to parent them.

Did your Husband ever abuse you? Did he show signs of abusive behavior? Is it just your children? do you get that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach when he walks in the door? Do you feel that the abuse is your fault? I am trying get through a similar situation so I empathize but truly, I honestly hope that if my husband ever attempted to take a belt to my toddler / preschooler I would find the strength courage and wisdom from God to get my children away from the abusive and damaging situation.

I love God, I love my children and I love my husband but of the three what is most important to me are my children and God. AND my children are the only ones who can't protect themsleves and rely on me for that.


I will pray for your children and your husband but I will pray the most for you to get the courage to remove yourself and kids from this dangerous situation.

Our original poster seems not to have come back. Hopefully, she found help.

Now, theproofballet, I am very concerned about your own post here.

Your husband is assaulting you with belts and other objects, kicking you and hitting you.

There is nothing godly about remaining in this situation.

I strongly urge you to separate...see if you can move with your children to another place...parents or other relatives, church family, women's and children's shelter. You need to remove yourself and your children from him.

I'm not saying to divorce him at this point in time...not yet. If he is willing to seek out godly counseling on how to manage himself and his stresses without resorting to assaulting and abusing his wife...then perhaps there is hope for your marriage.

Don't stay. Your children are being profoundly harmed by witnessing their father abuse their mother. Don't fool yourself into thinking they don't know this is happening...nor underestimate their fear. Just because he isn't abusing them...and he might never abuse them...his abuse of you is abusive to them as well. Any daughters will learn that it's OK to be a punching bag...any son's that it's OK to disrespect you. Nothing good will come of you keeping your children in this environment.

Again...I'm not saying to divorce at this point...only that you need to put some space between your husband and you and the kids, until he gets himself back under control. Sad to say, abusers rarely do, but if he is claiming to be a Christian, with the help of the Holy Spirit, he can.

 

[modernnihilst]

I am not sure if this is neccesarily Godly advice, but there is something that I would like to say which is just my first reaction to your thread; I am a young married woman pregnant with her second child, (my first is 2 1/2) I originally searched for a christian forum to seek out advice about my relationship with my abusive husband.
I havent posted yet because I came accross your thread and I there is something I want to say to you and ask you?

First, my husband hits me, kicks me, whacks me with items such as belts, among other things and I have recently become afraid of him. I was hoping to find some advice about what is the christian/moral or right thing to do and maybe just get some mental support as I get none elsewhere. I also (probably similar to your children) develop anxiety and a sense of fear when my husband pulls into the drive way or when he wakes up in the morning or on days he didnt get enough sleep etc. Despite the fact that I want to please God even if I wasnt sure what the "christian thing" to do was I have always told myself since the abuse started that if it ever moved to my children I would leave because I feel it is my duty to protect them and if I dont perform that duty I am sure I am disrespecting not only myself and helpless children but God as well.

So your post scares me. I know what it is to be a mother, the instinctive urge to protect your offspring from all of the bad in the world is uncontrollable. Yet women end up in this position more than is acceptable. It makes me fear for my children and my ability to parent them.

Did your Husband ever abuse you? Did he show signs of abusive behavior? Is it just your children? do you get that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach when he walks in the door? Do you feel that the abuse is your fault? I am trying get through a similar situation so I empathize but truly, I honestly hope that if my husband ever attempted to take a belt to my toddler / preschooler I would find the strength courage and wisdom from God to get my children away from the abusive and damaging situation.

I love God, I love my children and I love my husband but of the three what is most important to me are my children and God. AND my children are the only ones who can't protect themsleves and rely on me for that.


I will pray for your children and your husband but I will pray the most for you to get the courage to remove yourself and kids from this dangerous situation.

I sugest getting out and doing so now, not in 5 mins but now. dont put up with it anymore. no one should live in fear. esp of someone who they "love"