Courtship

[Susannah]

Young people are in such a hurry these days. I am related to Nathaniel Hawthorne and I got a chance to read his love letters to his fiancée Sophia Peabody. They courted for ten years until he could afford to take care of her. Wow.

Sometimes young people today need some advice about courtship because the media has it all happen in about two hours. So here are some pointers.

1. Develop a fulfilling relationship with yourself before you attempt to have a romantic relationship. Romantic feelings can be like a tidal wave sweeping you out to sea if you are not securely tied to a relationship with yourself. Many of you may want to be swept out to sea, but this is not really healthy, and sometimes it is a slippery slope.

2. Selection is everything.

- Take your time.
- Do everything you can to keep from being blinded by your emotions.
- Know what you don't want (people who trigger your dysfunctional behavior).
- Look for someone healthy, and observe them objectively before you jump in.
- Look for someone who does not have to change very much too please you.
- Know what you do want. Make a list of the things that are mandatory and the things that are optional. Prioritize your list. Make sure you include things like availability, compatibility, honesty.

3. Dating:

- This is where you find out what this person is really like. Any false fronts should crumble after a few dates.
- Be yourself. You want someone to know who you really are.
- Measure your compatibility during this time.
- Establish trust.
- Hold off on sex if it blinds you to what this person is really like, and keep a lid on any budding romantic feelings. (You may feel them, but don't give them a lot of power by fantasizing too much.)
- Be willing to change your mind if you usually “cling” to unhealthy people and be willing to hang in there if you usually “run.”

4. Friendship:

- See if you can relax and have fun together.
- See if you can count on this person.
- Continue to see if there is enough compatibility to sustain this relationship.
- Build a strong foundation for a future together.

5. Courtship:

- This is friendship with “an understanding” that things are going to become romantic.
- Romantic feelings can now have a free reign. See if they mix well with the friendship.
- You can let romantic love blossom now. You don't have to put a lid on your feelings anymore.
- Now you can test your readiness for intimacy. This is usually the time when a fear of intimacy comes up—if you have any.

6. Commitment:

- Now things are getting serious.
- Set ground rules for the relationship.
- Discuss things like fidelity, growing closer, the future, how much time you will have for each other. . .anything that is important to you.

7. Switch:
At any point in the progression of the relationship, one partner may experience a fear of intimacy and pull back. Don't panic. Give your partner some space. However, if he or she does not come around in a few weeks, you should move on.

8. Marriage:

- Maintain what you have established up to now.
- Honor the values you have in common.
- Grow as a couple, as well as individuals.
- Get to really know each other and experience intimacy.

 

[Who Me]

A couple of things I stress differently the biggest is sex. Say no untill married.
Sex is very big, everyone concentrates on having it and does not look at the issues with the person.
Biologically sexual chemicals form one's between partners and exposure to multiple partners causes resistance to them.

Does he or she come to church with you. If you've been going out for a while has he/she met your friends? That includes church, why won't they?

It is a big issue, deal with it while you are just friends dating.

Behaviour if he picks his nose while eating on a date, he is not going to change just because you are married. A disgusting example the principal is the same raise issues while dating.

Faithfulnes, commitment, another Biggie. If your partner plays around that won't change.
The Billy Graham principal applies. Never alone with a member of the opposite sex,never alone.

The point about dating is one gets to know what makes the other tick. The old adage of look at her mother or at his father is useful, if you can't stand them don't go out with him/her.

 

[Edward]

2. Selection is everything.

- Take your time.
- Do everything you can to keep from being blinded by your emotions.
- Know what you don't want (people who trigger your dysfunctional behavior).
- Look for someone healthy, and observe them objectively before you jump in.
- Look for someone who does not have to change very much too please you.
- Know what you do want. Make a list of the things that are mandatory and the things that are optional. Prioritize your list. Make sure you include things like availability, compatibility, honesty.

This is excellent! I learned young to be picky. As the youngest of 4 kids and we all had lots of friends, I got to see the dynamics and breakups and new GF/BF's in manys lives. And it seemed to me that, some were not choosy enough and others when they'd change dating partners, that the new one would be worse than the first one!

So I made a pact with myself very early on, that whenever I broke up with a GF for whatever reason, to make sure that my new GF was better than my previous one. I actually stuck to it too. And so my first and only wife (so far) was an extremely nice girl and we stayed together for 26 years before she left. She was so good of a Wife and Mother that...it's making it quite hard to find a better one now! Because of my pact with myself and especially now that I am walking with the Lord, so there's even more considerations now, Lol.

I'm guessing that there are probably about seven Proverbs 31 girls left in the world in this age. I think I might know one, but it's too early to tell yet. But, I know one thing. I will not settle, and you young people should not either!

 

[Susannah]

Excellent post. I have been a relationship counselor for 35 years, and before that I gave advice to all my friends even as a teenager. I have discovered that most people are ambivalent so they love unavailable and dysfunctional people and run away from the healthy available ones. This is just a trap to avoid emotional intimacy. Here is the scripture you spoke of.

The Virtuous Wife: Proverbs 31

 

[Prycejosh1987]

Young people are in such a hurry these days. I am related to Nathaniel Hawthorne and I got a chance to read his love letters to his fiancée Sophia Peabody. They courted for ten years until he could afford to take care of her. Wow.

That is a long time, the longest i courted a girl was around 2 years, before we even had our first date. 10 years is way too long, they could of gotten married and had kids by that time. Its time wasted in my eyes.

 

[Anaphora]

Good advice. My cousin wasn't COMPADABLE with her husband. They divorced many years ago. Theirs lot of divorce in America. Their's moral degeneration in our nation. Second Timothy chapter 3 will spell it out. Here's the bottom line. Christian people shouldn't compromise their values and beliefs. Second Corinthians 6:17. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, says the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing;. And I will receive you. Spirtual growth is important. A spouse can impede on it. Choose your friends wisely.

 

[Riven]

Excellent post. I have been a relationship counselor for 35 years, and before that I gave advice to all my friends even as a teenager. I have discovered that most people are ambivalent so they love unavailable and dysfunctional people and run away from the healthy available ones. This is just a trap to avoid emotional intimacy. Here is the scripture you spoke of.

The Virtuous Wife: Proverbs 31

I believe life experience is enough to make someone dysfunctional. Consider what human beings have to go through from beginning to end. The divorce rate in America doesn't seem so crazy when it's put into context.

People change. Today's spouse is someone's new lover tomorrow. What seemed perfect ten years ago is sour today. Some folks get lucky and find the one in a million that sticks with them. But it's just luck.

 

[D-D-W]

I disagree with the OP's definition of courtship. The word implies some kind of oversight; traditionally by the parents of both parties. It is relating for the purpose of getting married, and should have oversight.

In first century Judea (where our Lord and the Apostles grew up) marriages were arranged by the parents at around age 7-8. This would be engagement. At the time of puberty, (12-13) a document called a Ketubah (marriage contract) was written up and signed by the couple and the parents. At this point the couple was betrothed and had to have a formal divorce to dissolve the relationship. This is where Joseph and Mary were when she became pregnant with Our Lord. The guy then would build a home for them (typically took about a year) and then his father would send him off to bring his bride back and they would consummate their marriage.

Society today cannot support that model, but the courting still should involve parents, pastors, elders, or older family friends to keep the couple accountable in their relationship.