There are a lot of statistics on pastoral “burn-out” floating around. While the specifics might vary depending on the source, they generally confirm what many of us know anecdotally – many pastors struggle personally. There are many reasons for this:
In response to these pressures and problems, many pastors are tempted to be thin-skinned and hard-hearted. These are false paths to emotional health and ways of keeping pain at bay without dealing with the real issues. A thin-skinned pastor is easily offended, hurt, and sensitive to criticism. He tends to think the worst about other people’s motivations and intentions and is quick to be critical before someone can criticize him. A thin-skinned pastor is always in conflict, and instead of being a cushion, he tends to amplify anger and acrimony in the church. Without realizing it, many pastors deal with the personal pressure of ministry by taking their pain out on the church.
On the other hand, a hard-hearted pastor might recognize that being irritable, short-tempered, and easily offended is undesirable. So he distances himself from the source of pain and inconvenience. A hard-hearted pastor responds to the stresses of ministry by being aloof, distant, and detached. This kind of pastor doesn’t let other people into his life. He never lets other people know him, doesn’t have close relationships, and doesn’t want to sympathize with others or genuinely care about them. He will appear stern, detached, and uninterested in others. He will give criticism and correction in a brusque, unhelpful manner. Being hard-hearted might solve the problem of being thin-skinned, but it isn’t much better for the church.
How can pastors deal with the emotional and personal stresses of ministry without becoming thin-skinned or hard-hearted? It seems the Bible would recommend a model of thick-skinned and tenderhearted ministry. A thick-skinned pastor can take a punch, emotionally speaking. He can take criticism and deal with setbacks. He is hard to offend and is not easily thrown off balance when the people around him are unkind or unhelpful. A thick-skinned man knows:
But we also want tenderhearted pastors, the kind of people with whom it is safe to open up and share one’s life. A tenderhearted pastor isn’t self-protective, distant, or aloof. Rather, he has taken seriously what the apostle Paul says in his letter to the Colossian church: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12-14). Compassion, meekness, humility, patience, forgiveness, and love – these are characteristics of a tenderhearted man.
We might think the virtues of being thick-skinned and tenderhearted are mutually exclusive, but we see both characteristics present in the life of the apostle Paul. He was thick-skinned – he took a beating (literally!) and kept going. Churches rejected him, false teachers opposed him, and enemies attacked him, but he never stopped or descended into hatred and indifference. But he was also tenderhearted. He wept with the Ephesian elders in Acts 20. He told the church at Corinth that he was so concerned for them that he “despaired of life itself” (II Corinthians 1:8). And he told the church at Thessalonica: “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves because you had become very dear to us” (I Thessalonians 2:7–8).
How can we grow in one or both areas? Let me suggest three things pastors can do. First, to develop a thick skin, cultivate confidence in God’s sovereign care for you. Part of what makes us thin-skinned is fear. When things go wrong, and people oppose us, we are tempted to freak out. But if you can grow in your confidence in God’s sovereignty and know that his plans and purposes never fail, that he will work all things together for your good, that he will always accomplish his purposes, and no one can stay his hand or frustrate his will, it will help you to relax. It will enable you to remain calm and committed, even when things go badly.
The Heidelberg Catechism says this about God’s providence: “(It) is his almighty and ever-present power, whereby, as with his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth and all creatures, and so governs them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, food and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, indeed, all things, come to us not by chance but by his fatherly hand” (HC, Answer # 27).
And then it tells us this about why the truth matters to the way we live: “We can be patient in adversity, thankful in prosperity, and with a view to the future we can have a firm confidence in our faithful God and Father that no creature shall separate us from his love; for all creatures are so completely in his hand that without his will they cannot so much as move” (HC, Answer #28). Understanding God’s sovereign care will enable us to be patient in adversity, thankful in prosperity, and firmly confident in our faithful God. That’s what we mean when we say “thick skin”!
The second thing we can do to grow in these virtues is to cultivate a healthy awareness of God’s judgment rather than other people’s judgment. A thin-skinned man will be sensitive to the way others see him. When he doesn’t get the approval of others, he sulks, pouts, and lashes out. But look at what the apostle Paul said to the church at Corinth, a congregation that was opposing him, rejecting him, and even mocking him for his personal weakness: “But with me, it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God” (I Corinthians 4:3-5).
Paul isn’t worried about the Corinthians’ approval of his ministry. He’s aware it’s not their judgment or his own that matters, but rather the Lord’s. His evaluation alone matters. Remember what the Lord Jesus himself said:
Awareness of God’s judgment keeps us from being presumptuous. It produces a holy fear that will help us be godlier pastors. We dare not mistreat the sheep entrusted to our care, for we are aware of the judgment of God. We dare not harbor anger or resentment toward our brother or sister in Christ. We dare not utter a careless word because we know we will give an account. But also, when we are aware of God’s judgment, criticism will not rock us easily when it comes our way, fair or not. We will have thick skin.
The third thing you can do to grow as a thick-skinned and tenderhearted pastor is to drink deeply each day from the love of God for you in Christ. If you want to be thick-skinned and tenderhearted like Jesus, then what you need to do is really stare at his love for you. When you are convinced that Jesus has loved you with a sacrificial love, it will change your posture toward others despite your sin and failure.
John writes in his first letter: “We know that we have passed out of death into life because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this, we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (I John 3:14-16). If you know the love of the one who laid down his life for you, you will respond to that sacrifice by loving the people he loved. This is why Jesus told his disciples:
Embrace what it means to be loved.
Brother pastor, if you are a hard-hearted person, if you are harsh and critical, if you have no time or patience or compassion for other people and their failures and weaknesses, if your flock is an inconvenience, if your brothers and sisters in the church draw out in you frustration and criticism rather than love and mercy, then there’s been a terrible disconnect. It’s an indication you haven’t allowed the love of Christ to transform you. You haven’t embraced what it means to be loved despite your sin. Pastors must allow the love of Christ to compel us (as Paul said of himself in I Corinthians 5).
We need to stare at the meaning of the cross, to live in the love of Christ for sinners, and then live it out toward others. This is what Paul was talking about when he wrote to the Ephesians: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). If you remember Christ has forgiven you, you will forgive others. You will be kind and tenderhearted toward them.
Pastoral ministry is difficult, but we should expect nothing less from the call to follow in the footsteps of our crucified Lord. Pastors must resist the temptation to respond to the emotional and psychological stress of the ministry by being thin-skinned or hard-hearted. We can have thick skin and tender hearts by keeping our eyes focused on the Lord and his sacrificial love.
Nine Blessings for Pastors in Ministry
Take Time to Explain Communion Clearly to the Church
The One, Glorious Purpose of Marriage
The post Cultivating a Thick Skin and Tender Heart as a Pastor appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
- Sometimes, the sheep bite. Church members are still sinners and occasionally subject their pastors to unfair criticism, unrealistic expectations, and uncharitable judgments. Over time, scar tissue can develop in a pastor’s soul.
- Just like their flocks, pastors are sinners. This means there are times when suffering is self-inflicted or emotional distress is the Lord’s loving discipline meant to lead to change (see Psalm 32:3-4).
- Vocational ministry requires a pastor to engage wholeheartedly in the life of the church. When things go badly – when conflicts arise, sheep wander, finances fail, attendance drops, and conversions are rare – it can be deeply, personally discouraging. Pastors know firsthand what Paul meant when he spoke about his “anxiety for all the churches” (II Corinthians 11:28).
In response to these pressures and problems, many pastors are tempted to be thin-skinned and hard-hearted. These are false paths to emotional health and ways of keeping pain at bay without dealing with the real issues. A thin-skinned pastor is easily offended, hurt, and sensitive to criticism. He tends to think the worst about other people’s motivations and intentions and is quick to be critical before someone can criticize him. A thin-skinned pastor is always in conflict, and instead of being a cushion, he tends to amplify anger and acrimony in the church. Without realizing it, many pastors deal with the personal pressure of ministry by taking their pain out on the church.
On the other hand, a hard-hearted pastor might recognize that being irritable, short-tempered, and easily offended is undesirable. So he distances himself from the source of pain and inconvenience. A hard-hearted pastor responds to the stresses of ministry by being aloof, distant, and detached. This kind of pastor doesn’t let other people into his life. He never lets other people know him, doesn’t have close relationships, and doesn’t want to sympathize with others or genuinely care about them. He will appear stern, detached, and uninterested in others. He will give criticism and correction in a brusque, unhelpful manner. Being hard-hearted might solve the problem of being thin-skinned, but it isn’t much better for the church.
So what’s the solution?
How can pastors deal with the emotional and personal stresses of ministry without becoming thin-skinned or hard-hearted? It seems the Bible would recommend a model of thick-skinned and tenderhearted ministry. A thick-skinned pastor can take a punch, emotionally speaking. He can take criticism and deal with setbacks. He is hard to offend and is not easily thrown off balance when the people around him are unkind or unhelpful. A thick-skinned man knows:
But we also want tenderhearted pastors, the kind of people with whom it is safe to open up and share one’s life. A tenderhearted pastor isn’t self-protective, distant, or aloof. Rather, he has taken seriously what the apostle Paul says in his letter to the Colossian church: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12-14). Compassion, meekness, humility, patience, forgiveness, and love – these are characteristics of a tenderhearted man.
We might think the virtues of being thick-skinned and tenderhearted are mutually exclusive, but we see both characteristics present in the life of the apostle Paul. He was thick-skinned – he took a beating (literally!) and kept going. Churches rejected him, false teachers opposed him, and enemies attacked him, but he never stopped or descended into hatred and indifference. But he was also tenderhearted. He wept with the Ephesian elders in Acts 20. He told the church at Corinth that he was so concerned for them that he “despaired of life itself” (II Corinthians 1:8). And he told the church at Thessalonica: “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves because you had become very dear to us” (I Thessalonians 2:7–8).
So, the question for us is: how do we cultivate these seemingly opposite virtues?
How can we grow in one or both areas? Let me suggest three things pastors can do. First, to develop a thick skin, cultivate confidence in God’s sovereign care for you. Part of what makes us thin-skinned is fear. When things go wrong, and people oppose us, we are tempted to freak out. But if you can grow in your confidence in God’s sovereignty and know that his plans and purposes never fail, that he will work all things together for your good, that he will always accomplish his purposes, and no one can stay his hand or frustrate his will, it will help you to relax. It will enable you to remain calm and committed, even when things go badly.
The Heidelberg Catechism says this about God’s providence: “(It) is his almighty and ever-present power, whereby, as with his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth and all creatures, and so governs them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, food and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, indeed, all things, come to us not by chance but by his fatherly hand” (HC, Answer # 27).
And then it tells us this about why the truth matters to the way we live: “We can be patient in adversity, thankful in prosperity, and with a view to the future we can have a firm confidence in our faithful God and Father that no creature shall separate us from his love; for all creatures are so completely in his hand that without his will they cannot so much as move” (HC, Answer #28). Understanding God’s sovereign care will enable us to be patient in adversity, thankful in prosperity, and firmly confident in our faithful God. That’s what we mean when we say “thick skin”!
Cultivating a healthy awareness of God’s judgment
The second thing we can do to grow in these virtues is to cultivate a healthy awareness of God’s judgment rather than other people’s judgment. A thin-skinned man will be sensitive to the way others see him. When he doesn’t get the approval of others, he sulks, pouts, and lashes out. But look at what the apostle Paul said to the church at Corinth, a congregation that was opposing him, rejecting him, and even mocking him for his personal weakness: “But with me, it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God” (I Corinthians 4:3-5).
Paul isn’t worried about the Corinthians’ approval of his ministry. He’s aware it’s not their judgment or his own that matters, but rather the Lord’s. His evaluation alone matters. Remember what the Lord Jesus himself said:
Awareness of God’s judgment keeps us from being presumptuous. It produces a holy fear that will help us be godlier pastors. We dare not mistreat the sheep entrusted to our care, for we are aware of the judgment of God. We dare not harbor anger or resentment toward our brother or sister in Christ. We dare not utter a careless word because we know we will give an account. But also, when we are aware of God’s judgment, criticism will not rock us easily when it comes our way, fair or not. We will have thick skin.
Drink deeply from the love of Christ
The third thing you can do to grow as a thick-skinned and tenderhearted pastor is to drink deeply each day from the love of God for you in Christ. If you want to be thick-skinned and tenderhearted like Jesus, then what you need to do is really stare at his love for you. When you are convinced that Jesus has loved you with a sacrificial love, it will change your posture toward others despite your sin and failure.
John writes in his first letter: “We know that we have passed out of death into life because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this, we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (I John 3:14-16). If you know the love of the one who laid down his life for you, you will respond to that sacrifice by loving the people he loved. This is why Jesus told his disciples:
Embrace what it means to be loved.
Brother pastor, if you are a hard-hearted person, if you are harsh and critical, if you have no time or patience or compassion for other people and their failures and weaknesses, if your flock is an inconvenience, if your brothers and sisters in the church draw out in you frustration and criticism rather than love and mercy, then there’s been a terrible disconnect. It’s an indication you haven’t allowed the love of Christ to transform you. You haven’t embraced what it means to be loved despite your sin. Pastors must allow the love of Christ to compel us (as Paul said of himself in I Corinthians 5).
We need to stare at the meaning of the cross, to live in the love of Christ for sinners, and then live it out toward others. This is what Paul was talking about when he wrote to the Ephesians: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). If you remember Christ has forgiven you, you will forgive others. You will be kind and tenderhearted toward them.
Pastoral ministry is difficult, but we should expect nothing less from the call to follow in the footsteps of our crucified Lord. Pastors must resist the temptation to respond to the emotional and psychological stress of the ministry by being thin-skinned or hard-hearted. We can have thick skin and tender hearts by keeping our eyes focused on the Lord and his sacrificial love.
Related:
Nine Blessings for Pastors in Ministry
Take Time to Explain Communion Clearly to the Church
The One, Glorious Purpose of Marriage
The post Cultivating a Thick Skin and Tender Heart as a Pastor appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...