My oldest son is starting high school this school year and I am a bit nervous. I want to trust him and give him more freedom, but I am afraid of the wolves that are out there waiting to get to him. He knows the Lord and I have explained to him, how he is suppose to be different and live a pure life. With him being an athlete, and now working out with the basketball team, I have noticed a change in his body shape. When I picked him up from training one day, he walked out with no shirt on, so the cheerleaders and other girls could see how ripped he is. Then, I was going through his iPhone and on Instantgram, he is following grown women that post sexaul images of themselves. It sickened me to see that he was looking at this stuff. What am I to do? I pray that he remains pure, but I know what peer pressure can do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Dealing with a 14 year old going to high school
- Thread starter 23Psalm
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Down Yokel
Member
I have all this ahead of me with my 2 kids so I empathise. I can't offer advice from an experiential point. But I do know that with the era of smart phones etc, all this stuff is not going to be avoidable. I think you might have to grab the bull by the horns and chat with him about the reality of all this and point out the dangers of such activity. I'm sure there are people here who have experienced the same thing and I hope you get some good advise. I'll keep an eye out when I'm on the net for anything that looks useful for your situation.
Is your son a Christian? If he is, this may be easier than you think.
Is your son a Christian? If he is, this may be easier than you think.
Down Yokel
Member
I found a few things online but nothing directly suitable.
Try this link. It's ok someone giving advice but I think someone who has through it and successful would be your best bet. I hope you get it sorted.
Try this anyways as a starting point and see if there is any useful info.
http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/LVanswers/2008/09-12c.html
Try this link. It's ok someone giving advice but I think someone who has through it and successful would be your best bet. I hope you get it sorted.
Try this anyways as a starting point and see if there is any useful info.
http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/LVanswers/2008/09-12c.html
handy
Member
I've started to deal with this with my daughter... an extremely pretty just turned 15 year old.
It's a minefield to be sure.
There's the truly serious sins... having sex, getting into drugs, getting hooked into pornography..etc...
There's the sins that are bad, but not life changing... and social media such as phones and computers are bad in this.
Then there are temptations...
There is nothing, nothing at all, zero, zip, nada, that parents can do about our children facing temptations. They will be hammered with them all the time. Trying to prevent our kids from facing temptations is not only impossible, it's not really very good for them. They need to learn face temptations and overcome them.
In some ways, you've either won or lost this battle aready depending upon how protective you were of your kids when they were little.
I'm a mother, I know our own temptation as parents to be overprotective... but unless we've allowed our kids some chances to develop their own sense of discernment, their teen years are going to be much harder.
I know the temptation to raise our kids, especially when they get to be around 8 or 9 or so in a "Christian bubble".. never allowing any tv, computers, association with anything of the world. Getting them into Christain school, Christain social groups, letting them only listen to Christian music, read Christain books, watch only movies made by Christian producers.... It all seems so right, but it creates this very false sense of what the world is all about and then when they finally get into the world... understandably they don't know how to handle it.
So, hopefully, you've already allowed your son some exposure to the world and have helped him develop some discernment as to what is OK for him to take part in and when it's time for him to say to himself... "No, this isn't right, I need to bail on this one."
I was pleased when my daughter told me, when she was around 10 or 11 or so, about spending the night with a non-Christian friend and the friend put a rated R slasher film on to watch. Viola simply told her, "I don't really want to watch this movie... is there something else to watch?"
That same sense of discernment that she was developing back then helped her when she was propositioned for sex the first time when she was 14.... It was very upsetting to her, but she had no difficulty telling the guy no.
So, hopefully, you've done a lot of ground work helping your son by having many discussions regarding the morals and values that you're trying to impart to him... and allowing some opportunities to exercise those morals and values on his own prior to now.
If you have... you'll probably be pleasantly surprised at how well he stands up to the serious temptations of sex, drugs, etc...
But, do be prepared to deal with things that come up because they still are pretty immature and naive at this point. This is where the phones and social media will really catch them up.
As I said earlier, my daughter has already lost her phone once, and has texting removed for now. She was texting innappropriate things to a guy. Now, she had no problem kicking the one guy who face to face propositioned her for sex the curb... but somehow when it was all texting, it just wasn't as "real" to her as when it was face to face. She was sort of shocked that we would think that she was actually engaging in "sexting" ... but she was. She had decided that sexting was sending naked pictures of herself... somehow just talking about sex wasn't sexting though... Well, she's wiser about it now, and will most likely regain the texting on her phone...
Again, it wasn't as much that she was yielding to temptation for sex itself, as just simple naivete of how sophisticated and complex sexual temptations are.
I cannot stress how important open communication and dialog are with kids this age. We talk about these things ALL THE TIME!!!!! I always, always, always, emphasize to both my kids (my son is 12) that they can come to Daddy and I about anything and everything.
And, we also live by the rule that PRIVACY FOR A TEENAGER CONSISTS OF BEING ABLE TO LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR. That's it. When it comes to Facebook or texting or whatever, there is no such thing as "privacy"... They both know that mom or dad will check histories of chats at anytime and that if they are ever caught with secret accounts or caught deleting histories without clearing it with us... they lose whatever it is.. period. My son isn't even allowed to have Facebook or a phone yet... he'll be able to start using my Facebook account to reach out to his friends in a month... fully monitored by me. If he handles it well, he'll be able to have his own account when he turns 13... but, just as with Viola... Dad and I are to have usernames and passwords to every social account he has and he has to clear it with us first.
Another thing... be the "Kool Aid Mom"... (I know, you're a dad ;))... What I mean is that old Kool Aid commercial about every kid in the neighborhood wanting to hang at the one mom's house because she served Kool Aid.... (sheesh, why does this now sound sort of creepy :D).
We are always having parties, movie days, get togethers and just hang out time at our in-law's house down in town (which is where I'm at right now). Last Monday night we had a pool party. I've hauled Viola and her friends to go to movies, arcades and water parks... I'm always on the go keeping up with my kid's social life, but I also have gotten to know their friends quite well. Really getting to know their friends is a good thing... believe me.
When all is said and done, you have to face the realization that not only is it impossible to be in control over your kids 24/7... it's not even healthy. The next few years are a critical time for them to stretch their wings while still in the nest and you have the ability to help them through thing, so that when they finally get out on their own, they are able to go forth strong.
One last thing about temptation of the sexual variety... We don't allow our kids to spend long periods of time alone with people of the opposite sex. The kid who propositioned Viola did so during the first five minutes he ever spent alone with her, on the front porch of the house with me sitting in the living room. We don't allow dating in the sense of Viola going off with a boy unattended for a few hours.
That's just stupid in this day and age.
We do allow her to have boyfriends... they can come over and spend time here, they can do pretty much whatever... as long as we're there or her little brother is with them... chaperoning. Thomas will be chaperoned as well. We do allow for Viola to sit with a guy in the living room while we're on the front yard or sit on the folk's patio which has a big window looking out over it. They can have private conversation... but we can see them at all times.
Now... when she's at school... we're not there. But, we have set that bar and the expectation is that she will honor it. So far, she has.
After all this... pray, pray, pray.... it's scary... but, God loves them even more than we do and He is able to watch over them all the time.
It's a minefield to be sure.
There's the truly serious sins... having sex, getting into drugs, getting hooked into pornography..etc...
There's the sins that are bad, but not life changing... and social media such as phones and computers are bad in this.
Then there are temptations...
There is nothing, nothing at all, zero, zip, nada, that parents can do about our children facing temptations. They will be hammered with them all the time. Trying to prevent our kids from facing temptations is not only impossible, it's not really very good for them. They need to learn face temptations and overcome them.
In some ways, you've either won or lost this battle aready depending upon how protective you were of your kids when they were little.
I'm a mother, I know our own temptation as parents to be overprotective... but unless we've allowed our kids some chances to develop their own sense of discernment, their teen years are going to be much harder.
I know the temptation to raise our kids, especially when they get to be around 8 or 9 or so in a "Christian bubble".. never allowing any tv, computers, association with anything of the world. Getting them into Christain school, Christain social groups, letting them only listen to Christian music, read Christain books, watch only movies made by Christian producers.... It all seems so right, but it creates this very false sense of what the world is all about and then when they finally get into the world... understandably they don't know how to handle it.
So, hopefully, you've already allowed your son some exposure to the world and have helped him develop some discernment as to what is OK for him to take part in and when it's time for him to say to himself... "No, this isn't right, I need to bail on this one."
I was pleased when my daughter told me, when she was around 10 or 11 or so, about spending the night with a non-Christian friend and the friend put a rated R slasher film on to watch. Viola simply told her, "I don't really want to watch this movie... is there something else to watch?"
That same sense of discernment that she was developing back then helped her when she was propositioned for sex the first time when she was 14.... It was very upsetting to her, but she had no difficulty telling the guy no.
So, hopefully, you've done a lot of ground work helping your son by having many discussions regarding the morals and values that you're trying to impart to him... and allowing some opportunities to exercise those morals and values on his own prior to now.
If you have... you'll probably be pleasantly surprised at how well he stands up to the serious temptations of sex, drugs, etc...
But, do be prepared to deal with things that come up because they still are pretty immature and naive at this point. This is where the phones and social media will really catch them up.
As I said earlier, my daughter has already lost her phone once, and has texting removed for now. She was texting innappropriate things to a guy. Now, she had no problem kicking the one guy who face to face propositioned her for sex the curb... but somehow when it was all texting, it just wasn't as "real" to her as when it was face to face. She was sort of shocked that we would think that she was actually engaging in "sexting" ... but she was. She had decided that sexting was sending naked pictures of herself... somehow just talking about sex wasn't sexting though... Well, she's wiser about it now, and will most likely regain the texting on her phone...
Again, it wasn't as much that she was yielding to temptation for sex itself, as just simple naivete of how sophisticated and complex sexual temptations are.
I cannot stress how important open communication and dialog are with kids this age. We talk about these things ALL THE TIME!!!!! I always, always, always, emphasize to both my kids (my son is 12) that they can come to Daddy and I about anything and everything.
And, we also live by the rule that PRIVACY FOR A TEENAGER CONSISTS OF BEING ABLE TO LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR. That's it. When it comes to Facebook or texting or whatever, there is no such thing as "privacy"... They both know that mom or dad will check histories of chats at anytime and that if they are ever caught with secret accounts or caught deleting histories without clearing it with us... they lose whatever it is.. period. My son isn't even allowed to have Facebook or a phone yet... he'll be able to start using my Facebook account to reach out to his friends in a month... fully monitored by me. If he handles it well, he'll be able to have his own account when he turns 13... but, just as with Viola... Dad and I are to have usernames and passwords to every social account he has and he has to clear it with us first.
Another thing... be the "Kool Aid Mom"... (I know, you're a dad ;))... What I mean is that old Kool Aid commercial about every kid in the neighborhood wanting to hang at the one mom's house because she served Kool Aid.... (sheesh, why does this now sound sort of creepy :D).
We are always having parties, movie days, get togethers and just hang out time at our in-law's house down in town (which is where I'm at right now). Last Monday night we had a pool party. I've hauled Viola and her friends to go to movies, arcades and water parks... I'm always on the go keeping up with my kid's social life, but I also have gotten to know their friends quite well. Really getting to know their friends is a good thing... believe me.
When all is said and done, you have to face the realization that not only is it impossible to be in control over your kids 24/7... it's not even healthy. The next few years are a critical time for them to stretch their wings while still in the nest and you have the ability to help them through thing, so that when they finally get out on their own, they are able to go forth strong.
One last thing about temptation of the sexual variety... We don't allow our kids to spend long periods of time alone with people of the opposite sex. The kid who propositioned Viola did so during the first five minutes he ever spent alone with her, on the front porch of the house with me sitting in the living room. We don't allow dating in the sense of Viola going off with a boy unattended for a few hours.
That's just stupid in this day and age.
We do allow her to have boyfriends... they can come over and spend time here, they can do pretty much whatever... as long as we're there or her little brother is with them... chaperoning. Thomas will be chaperoned as well. We do allow for Viola to sit with a guy in the living room while we're on the front yard or sit on the folk's patio which has a big window looking out over it. They can have private conversation... but we can see them at all times.
Now... when she's at school... we're not there. But, we have set that bar and the expectation is that she will honor it. So far, she has.
After all this... pray, pray, pray.... it's scary... but, God loves them even more than we do and He is able to watch over them all the time.
Thanks. That was a lot to take in, but oh so true. I have never been the dad to shield my kids (3 boys) from the temptations of life. Although, I only listen to Christian music and my kids are around me, that's all they hear, however, I don't bound them away and keep the worldy ways from them. I have prepared my 14 year old as best as I could and talk very openly about sex, drugs, and other illicit behaviors. We have had discussions about remaining pure, the consequences of having sex, taking drugs, being a drug dealer. All I can do is trust God and pray that when faced with these pressures, he makes the right one. The other day, I asked him to write out 15 colleges that he wants to go to and I was shocked to see that his top 5 were Ivy League schools, and Stanford. I told him, if you want to go to these schools, this is what you are going to have to do to get there. Being hooked on drugs, sex and other immoral things could prohibit you from obtaining that goal of going to med school.
He knows right from wrong and he knows what will happen if he chooses to not serve God and go down the wrong path. Will he make mistakes? Sure, but I hope and pray that he truly commits himself to the Lord and not allow his peers to steer him towards danger.
He knows right from wrong and he knows what will happen if he chooses to not serve God and go down the wrong path. Will he make mistakes? Sure, but I hope and pray that he truly commits himself to the Lord and not allow his peers to steer him towards danger.
Mike S
Member
I've raised two children - boy first then girl- and the teen years were tough. That is when kids are trying hard to understand what's happening in their bodies, and learning how to control their urges, rather than to be controlled by them. Their forming their adult personalities and being the process that leads them to independence. You're not going to find a silver bullet to make things go just exactly as you'd like. Your kids will make mistakes, just as we all have.
It's important that you, above all, let your kids know that you love them, and will always be there for them, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they understand your expectations and moral principles. Then encourage them when they do right, express your disappointment when they do wrong, and constantly steer them back to God. They may reject that for a few years, but will come back.
It's important that you, above all, let your kids know that you love them, and will always be there for them, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they understand your expectations and moral principles. Then encourage them when they do right, express your disappointment when they do wrong, and constantly steer them back to God. They may reject that for a few years, but will come back.