Engaged: Dealing with the idea of sex?

[aldrias]

Howdy everyone,

I've been happily dating a young lady for almost the past 4 years, we're both in our early 20's. This past October we got engaged, the wedding plans are mostly finished, and the wedding is just over two weeks from now.

Throughout our relationship my fiancée has maintained that she wishes to save sex for marriage, and I have respected this without any complaints.

Now, with the wedding date approaching, conversation lately has been directed towards more intimate matters. Just today during a conversation she told me this about her opinion on sex, and I quote; 'it seems like a waste of time,' 'it seems childish to me,' 'I have no desire to have sex,' '...intimate to me is just hand holding and cuddling' 'No, I don't see sex as a way to show love.'

I understand that relationships are not about sex, and I also understand that she could just be nervous or worried; but to me those sound like very dangerous answers. I'll admit, I am a guy, and I was very much looking forward to being intimate with my new wife. But the way she's been talking this whole 'saving sex for marriage' bit seems to me was just a way of stalling for time to tell me that she has zero libido and never plans on having sex.

I really don't know how to handle this; play the waiting game and hope things change once we're married, confront the issue, seek help?

Everyone has different love languages, and mine is touch; I can't imagine going the rest of my life unable to have my primary love language left empty.

Sincerely,

~J

 

[theLords]

There could be several issues here regarding this:

1) An actual medical condition

2) As Christians many of us are taught erroneous teachings on sex. The Church teaches us to avoid each other until marriage and then says "Okay, kids, go all the way!" It kind messes with your mind when sexual immorality is hammered into your brain as sin and then one day it is no longer sin. What is her upbringing like? It is obvious from her statements that she has an unhealthy view of sex and you gotta get to the bottom of it because--you were right to say those statements sent off alarms in your head.

3) Now, this is a sensitive one. If she has had a history of sexual abuse (1/4 women have a history of sexual abuse/assault) this may be the reason for her unhealthy view on sex. If this is the root issue, she is going to need alot of healing.

I suggest that you begin to pray brother. Obviously you two have put the Lord first in your relationship, and God is going to honor you. Never forget that the Bible says "obedience comes with a blessing."

You two may need to talk about this in counseling. Are you both doing any type of pre-marriage counseling course?

Well, as I said, the best thing to do is to begin to pray about this to the Lord and that He heal her heart and change her mindset and views on sex. He can do that, and He is willing.

 

[Sparkey]

My knee-jerk reaction would be to cancel the wedding and start pre-marriage counseling. Remain engaged if you both want after the storm dies down but unfix the date for the wedding. The issue you've described is that big.

Just chalk my comment up to one mans opinion but that's a biggie. It goes to the heart of the marriage - sex isn't "childish" and in my day and age it wasn't termed "sex" but rather we called the intimate communications of marriage "making love". It isn't the act but rather the expression and concept of love in the marriage that is being denied.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Post 2 says it all. :yes

Now, I could be sarcastic and say: "Remember, all sex is sin, sex within marriage is forgiven sin".

I actually heard that from the pulpit once. I never went back. Maybe she was taught a similar theology?

Or maybe she was the victim of sexual abuse, as has been stated in post 2.

 

[Sparkey]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's something wrong. It's perfectly okay to not need nor have the desire to have sex. Isn't that basically what Paul said is our preferred state?