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Exploring sex in the marriage bed

heather

heather

Member
My husband and I have recently started a debate about whether or not anal sex, oral sex and sex toys are permitted within a marriage. We both have agreed that the Bible says that masturbation is not ok, as you are to save yourself for your spouse. Also, we agree that having a threesome is not ok, as it is potentially a dangerous situation that can lead to (and in my eyes is) adultery and hurt emotions. I would like some other opinions about the three I've mentioned above.

Thanks all,
 
I know you wanted opinions on the three sexual practices that you mentioned, but I'd like to share what I think are biblical principles that, when applied, allows these things to kind of fall into place. Rather like when we practice what Jesus says are the most important commandments: Love God with all one's heart, mind and soul and to love one's neighbor as oneself, then the 10 commandments pretty much take care of themselves.

The first principle of Christian marriage is that when believers join in maritial intimacy, the Holy Spirit is also joined as our bodies are the temple of the Spirit. Therefore, whatever we practice as man and wife, we need to remember to honor the Holy Spirit as well. (1 Corinthians 6:17-20)

Secondly, the Bible condemns lust. Therefore any type of sexual practice that serves just to satisfy the lusts of the flesh should be avoided. If there is something that one partner feels uncomfortable or even degraded doing, but the other partner insists upon doing it, then one has to wonder if there is a lust problem. We are to love one another and be joined as one, not use each other to satisfy lustful desires. (Romans 13:13-14; 1 John 2:16)

Along with that thought, the Bible explicity tells us that the husband is to fulfill his duty towards the wife and the wife towards the husband. (1 Corinthians 7:3-4) Maritial intimacy should be guided by the partners seeking to lovingly satisfy the other. So, again, if a sexual practice is engaged in because one partner is seeking gratification for their own fleshly lusts, this violates the purpose of maritial intimacy.

I am a BIG believer in Christian liberty. I truly do feel that as long as we follow Jesus' greatest commandments mentioned above, then we're pretty free to do what we want. This applies to marriage as well, only in marriage, the second of the two great commandments should be applied towards one's partner. As a Christian wife, I must first love and honor God and love and honor my husband. And, as a Christian man, he must first love and honor God and love and honor me. As long as we are doing these things, then I think we can practice what we both agree to with a clear conscience.

Oh, and yes, a 'threesome' is most definitely an adulterous and ungodly act.
 
Dora,

That's just a really good post, and I agree. Thanks for responding here. The Lord bless you.
 
I know that we were in a "slump" if you will. I was just dying for any type of attention/affection. He would hug me and we would interact, but when it came to the bedroom, he was as cold as ice. I've been praying for his affections to always be turned to me and to never have his affections turned towards another or turned off. This last week has been great. And he even kisses me more often and they've been the best since our honeymoon (over 2 years ago!).
 
I hope this isn't too far off the OP, but I wanted to respond because I have been in this situation before.

A decreased libido can be an indication for a number of things physically, and psychologically. It may benefit him to talk to a doctor about the decrease in libido.

Somethings that can be solved outside of the doctors office is stress reduction techniques. Men are highly susceptible to stress induced low libido. Highly susceptible. This was my problem. Once the stress was reduced (work related), libido returned.

Try setting up the house before he gets home with aroma candles, hot bath, some soft music, etc.

Also, I can't stress this enough, if you have a TV in the bedroom, take it out fast. That is a big killer of the sex lives of couples. Make the bedroom a place of retreat together. No heated discussions there, cross words, reading, video games, etc. Condition each other to think of the bedroom as your place of retreat from everything together. Its amazing how these things can play into libido.

Finally, sleep. Sleep kills libido. If he has been having trouble sleeping, figuring out a way for him to get the right amount of sleep may solve the problem.

I was the low libido person in the situation, and it was difficult for both. I felt less of a "man", and she felt less of a woman because she thought I didn't want her in that way, which of course just compounded the stress making it worse. After adjusting my work life, and home life (tv got the boot out of the bedroom, slept more, etc) to reduce stress, the problem was fixed.
 
I agree with Vault about the bedroom area especially. I once heard Nancy Wilson speak...too many years ago...and she mentioned making your bedroom a retreat. I have a friend who took white strands of lights, and tool, and literally covered the walls with it, tastefully of course. It was beautiful, and it had a mellowing effect. If one feels less that good at decorating, then I suggest calling a creative friend to help you get that retreat effect. Keeping spa items in a basket is good too.

I read once, on practicing hospitality, that when you have a guest (in this case a husband/wife) you should make up a basket of all the things you know they love and put it in their room before they arrive...then, when they go in they are surprised at how you honored them, but also practical needs are met. Anything from lotion to candy bars and bottled water. If the basket is located in the bedroom, it may inspire both to head there for an evening treat and some time together.

I heard a minister preach recently on the wife's role, and he said that when her husband come in she should honor him as she would Christ...the best of all her efforts. I would say serving him, and honoring him, inspires him to show his love for you more.

The Lord bless you.
 
We have never had a TV in our room, so that isn't an issue. While I am into the whole bedroom retreat thing, my husband would never go for it. We've just been discussing what is biblically acceptable in the bedroom and what is not.
 
heatherentz said:
We have never had a TV in our room, so that isn't an issue. While I am into the whole bedroom retreat thing, my husband would never go for it. We've just been discussing what is biblically acceptable in the bedroom and what is not.
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Not sure exactly about what is biblical, but I would venture to say that as long as each of you are respecting one another then you would be ok.

One way we have spiced up that area is just trying different rooms. The kitchen, living room, etc. Make it spontaneous.
 
I found a site called themarriagebed.com and really liked the way they outlined things that are a little more risque.
 
My husband is not really into the retreat bedroom either. Glad you found some help, and handy's post was pretty good. The Lord bless you both as you find your way.
 
heatherentz said:
We've just been discussing what is biblically acceptable in the bedroom and what is not.
Click to expand...
The thing is there isnt a comprehensive list of do's and donts as far as a married couple where sex is concerned.
I agree with Handy that it comes down to love...I dont believe specific acts such as OS are prohibited between married couples...Ive never seen anything in Gods word that even alludes to such a prohibition. AS I personally would be concerned about, but strictly for health reasons alone.

What Ive found as far as clear scriptures, is that sex is for the married couple alone and that they ought to come apart in that way from time to time to devote themselves to prayer.
Other than that, I havent myself seen any real guidelines, so I believe that as long as you are doing as Handy presented before...all things in love....that whatever you two agree upon is fine as long as the direct commandments are adhered to...no adultery (sex with anyone but each other or wanting someone not your spouse).
 
Let me add a thought that is a bit of inference from the OT.
The law tells a man not to lie with a man AS one lies with a woman.
Lev 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
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*IF* we assume that vaginal sex is the ONLY way for two human beings to have sex, then it makes these Levitical laws fairly meaningless as we know vaginal sex between two men is, well, not quite possible.
The inference seems to be that there ARE other ways to be with one sexually (lie with) that the bible is in some way acknowledging, yet only condemning where two men are involved.
 
Is pleasure to be an effect or a cause? The Bible calls us to love. In a marriage this love is expressed in intimacy of which sexual pleasure is an effect. The focus on pleasure and doing things to stimulate pleasure by-passes the relationship and the love and reduces things to the level of the alcoholic, drug user, and homosexual.

A boring sex life is not an indication of the need for greater variety in stimulation, it is a warning that one's love is dying and the solution is turning hearts to the Lord rather than exploring ways to go directly to stimulate pleasure. The direct stimulation of pleasure is always selfish and often leads to the destruction of relationships. While one person may supply pleasure for another, the pleasure becomes more important than the other person. In a way it destroys relationships through the elevation of self.

Desire that comes from the anticipation of performance is utilitarian and in the end exploitive. Desire that comes from appreciating another person and cherishing that person builds the type of love that is the foundation of strong and lasting marriages.
 
If you do not mind me asking a question:

Why does the "sex" need to be risque?

Personally, when my wife and I have intimate relationships, I do not view it as mere "sex".

As a married couple we should be striving for intimacy, not just have our sexual appetite satisfied.
 
Tim, excellent post. It is God's wisdom to do all things to glorify Him...to turn to Him. Amen.
 
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