Hello,
This reply is a combination of replies to both your posts. These issues don't have simple answers, hence the length of my post!
The Bible is not specific about relationship issues such as these, other than 2 Corinthians 6:14-15:
"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?" This doesn't apply in your situation, as the guy you're interested in is obviously a Christian.
However, the Bible does have a few general principles that are important to keep in mind.
Matthew 5:28:
"But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Please be careful about your thoughts and plans for you and this guy. Firstly, your plans are not necessarily God's plans. Submit your life to God's leading, and He will take care of you. Secondly, God considers intent and desire in our thoughts as equivalent to the action, hence my quote of that verse above. In your case, your making plans with this guy in your head is equivalent to going ahead and acting on those plans. Think about it like this: what if he's NOT the guy for you? What if God is going to have him marry another young woman? If that is the case then in your thoughts you are, in effect, trying to get together with someone else's husband! How do you think the young woman would feel if she knew?
God knows who you will marry, if indeed that is His intention for you. And believe me, the one whom God has purposed for you - if you choose to follow Him and Him alone - will fit you better than you possibly imagined. But you must surrender to Him first - surrender your desire for marriage, and surrender your desire for marriage to this particular man.
Psalm 37:3-5:
"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."
This is not a blanket "God will give you what you want", but rather "God will give you the things to desire, and fulfill them". I am not saying that you won't get married. More than likely you will. But it is my experience that the Lord often asks us to relinquish our desires into His hands before He acts.
Here's an example from my own life, or rather from my wife's life. We recently married just a month and a bit ago.
We first met online, and having started out the friendship from the standpoint of "we're getting to know each other in order to know whether the Lord would have us marry", we quickly discovered that we shared similar beliefs, similar interests, and similar desires in life. We were "compatible" from almost every angle, and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company (online). Our friendship blossomed, and feelings rose on both sides. However, having been "burned" by moving too quickly in the past, I was purposedly taking things slowly. I wanted to guard our hearts from premature expressions of "feelings" and "love" and the heady emotion that comes with them until I knew it was right in the Lord's eyes for me to say such things.
On the other side of the Atlantic, my now-wife was having a similar battle to the one you're facing. She liked me, had feelings for me, and wanted some resolution - were we going to move forward with the relationship or not? Because if we weren't going to move forward, she knew she would have to take a step back from the friendship, as not knowing for sure was tearing her apart. She wanted us to be more than friends, but she didn't know exactly where I stood (as I hadn't told her, other than my initial statement right at the beginning that I was pursuing the friendship for the purpose of possible marriage) and in her mind, my lack of further clarification now we knew each other so much better was an ominous "sign" that I wasn't interested in her romantically.
Then one day my now-wife was praying to the Lord about the situation, and suddenly she understood that He wanted her to "let go" of all her fears and desires concerning me and simply trust Him with everything. So that's what she did - she committed it all to the Lord, and told Him that she was happy and content whatever happened between us. If the Lord wanted us to be just friends, that was okay - she would just enjoy the friendship that we had. If the Lord wanted us to get married, but not for a while, that was okay too - she would relax into the process and wait patiently. And with that prayer, she was suddenly filled with an indescribable peace, joy, and lightness of spirit. The burden of her fears and battling desires lifted instantly.
Back in England, I was having a battle of my own. I had always been interested romantically in my now-wife (contrary to her fears!), and the feelings were growing day by day as we maintained constant communication with each other. However, I hadn't yet said anything for fear that it was "too soon". I was worried that expressing my feelings would disrupt our wonderful friendship, which I didn't want to lose. But the Lord had other plans, and through a wonderful couple that I knew, made very clear to me that I had to say something to my now-wife. My feelings for her had to come out into the open, for both our sakes.
Note that this was happening to me at precisely the same time she was resolving her battle with the Lord. A few days later, God gave us the opportunity to have that very important conversation, and thus we discovered how the Lord had arranged things for the both of us - at the very time He was telling her to trust Him with me, He was telling me to trust Him with my fear of disrupting the friendship! And so almost immediately after she "let go" of her need for resolution and trusted God with it, He had me take a step of faith and talk to her about things, giving her the very resolution she had been longing for!
This is often how God works - behind the scenes, arranging things to come together at the right time. Our role is simply to trust Him to work things out as He sees fit, and surrender our own desires to those of the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22-26:
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word..."
This principle of headship is another thing to be aware of when it comes to relationships. Men (husbands) are created to be the leader in the relationship - that is our role, our duty, given to us by God. We are the ones who are to bear the final weight of responsibility for our families, both spiritually and physically. How that works out in the details of life is between the couple and God, but Biblically the husband should be the leader, and the wife should follow.
I personally believe this applies to some extent in a relationship prior to marriage, as well. Allow me to explain, again using the example of my now-wife. I said earlier that we met online. It was on a Christian networking website - she was the first to see my profile, and then I saw hers. Now she could have taken the first step, writing to me to see whether I wanted to pursue a friendship. However, because she believes that it is the man who is to initiate at every step - that he is to lead, in effect - she didn't do anything about the potential she saw in my profile. It was I who first wrote to her, several days later.
Similarly, as you saw earlier, she could have brought up her feelings for me in conversation, essentially pushing me to state my own position and thus achieve the resolution she desired. But that would mean she would be the one leading, not me, so she didn't. She purposed to wait, even though waiting caused her such turmoil. Of course, as we know, God stepped in and resolved things.
Now I'm not saying that this is the only Biblical way to do things - the Bible is not specific, so it is a matter of interpretation and personal conscience. However, I put my own example forward as what I believe was a Godly way to go about things, for you to think about. My now-wife allowing me to initiate and lead at every step of the relationship not only honoured that Biblical principle of headship, it showed me respect and established the Biblical pattern for our marriage right from the start.
Think about it this way. If you act like the "head" of the relationship now, then it is going to be much harder for him to be the head if you get married. And even if you don't marry, it will make it harder for him to be the leader in the actual relationship that culminates in his marriage later down the line. The earlier you establish these Biblical principles in both your lives, the better, in my opinion.
The key with all of this is your relationship with the Lord. Seek Him in prayer and His Word - seek His guidance, seek His comfort, seek His peace. Surrender everything to Him - your plans, your friend, your fears, your desires. Tell the Lord (and mean it) that it's okay if you don't marry this guy, that it's okay if you don't get married for several years, that it's even okay if you don't marry at all, that you will follow Him and Him alone. Sounds easy "on paper", but I know personally that that's not an easy prayer to
really pray. It may take you a while, it may take you literally forcing the words from your mouth, but if you are willing for God to do the work required in your heart, you
will come to the place when you can honestly pray it.
You can also pray that God will turn this guy's heart towards you - but the important thing is to let God do it, and not to worry if it doesn't happen. God will do it in His good time,
if it is His will. And if it isn't, believe me that it's better that way! Another prayer to pray is to ask the Lord to take away the feelings that cause you such conflict when they occur. Memorize some Scripture - perhaps the verses I quoted from Psalm 37 above - and recite them to yourself when those feelings come upon you. I've found that's often a good "shield" when troubling thoughts come.
You can turn some of your comments in your last post into prayers, too. Tell the Lord that you feel like you need to "start over", that you "want to get back to reality", and that you want to pursue a friendship with your friend but don't know how. God knows the details!
Regarding the wedding in a few weeks, I think the key is to be surrendered to the Lord's will, whatever it is. God's love will cast out your fear.
A final comment, if I may. You said that a Godly, Christ loving, repentant, family-oriented man is "rare". The thing is, you only need one, and God knows where they all are!
He is more than able to bring that precious, rare jewel to you at the right time, both for the guy and for you.
You probably have questions after everything I've said - please do feel free to ask!
In Him, inhopeofglory
