Danielle, here is a short article I wrote a few years ago on True Forgiveness. I hope it may help in some way.
True Forgiveness
So often the word “forgive†is limited to the concept of letting go of our ill feelings: our hurt feelings and possibly self-pity --- our feelings of resentment --- our feelings of outrage. If forgiveness is thus limited, a full and true forgiveness is never obtained. Let me illustrate with an example.
The word translated as “forgive†is also used with regards to monetary debt, as indeed, it still is so used to this day. Suppose someone owes me some money, which he was supposed to pay in a month, but a year has gone by, and he still has not paid. Now I could allow feelings of resentment and outrage to build in me. Suppose I have made many attempts to get the money, but to no avail. I might even allow self-pity to arise. Now all of these are feelings I ought not to have. Suppose, by God’s grace, I am able to let all of these feelings go. I no longer have any ill feelings against the man. Does this mean I have forgiven him? In the weaker sense of the word, yes. But do I still think he owes me the money? Yes, I do! Though I have no ill will at all towards him, I haven’t forgiven him his debt. I haven’t absolved him of his responsibility to pay me. Now suppose the man comes to me in a spirit of humility and relates to me how he is in big financial trouble. He can scarcely put food on the table for his family. His story touches my heart, and I desire to help him. I forgive his debt. I absolve him of all responsibility of that debt. Relations between us are just as if he had never owed me a cent!
Consider God’s forgiveness of us. Does God let go of His feelings of resentment and outrage towards us? Those feelings are not part of the character of God. But God must judge sin. All of God’s judgments are remedial. When He forgives us, he absolves us of all responsibility to Him for the wrong we have done. Because we have repented (changed our mind) about our way of living, and called upon His enabling grace to help us continue in the new way, we are justified in God’s eyes. It is no longer necessary for Him to correct us. It’s just as if we had never sinned. Of course if we slip back into the old ways, God will have to correct us (unless we repent again). Indeed we need to repent daily. Paul stated that he died every day. I Cor 15:51.
This complete forgiveness of which I write, is a response to repentance.
It would be wrong to forgive a person in this complete sense without his repentance. Think of the ramifications, if God were to forgive us without our repentance. This would mean that when Jesus comes, everyone would be acceptable to Him, and we would all go to heaven along with Hitler, Stalin, and Bin Laden. Hell would not exist. For no correction would be necessary as everyone’s past would be forgiven and forgotten. It would be just as if no one had sinned. Of course we know that this would not work, for the wicked hearts of the many would be unchanged and heaven would be corrupted.
Most of the scriptural teaching on forgiveness speaks of this complete forgiveness.
Luke 17:3,4 Watch yourselves; if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."
Notice in these words of Jesus, forgiveness is contingent upon repentance. You can forgive the same person seven or more times a day if he truly repents. But if he does not repent, it would be wrong to forgive him in this true sense. To do so would be tantamount to telling him that he could continue to do the same evil he was doing, for you would not hold him accountable. A few years back, a young man had murdered several young women. The young people of the community erected huge signs throughout the city, signs which read, “WE FORGIVE YOU, JOEY!â€Â. What message do you think this sent to unrepentant Joey? It sent the message that the community condoned his actions, and would not hold him accountable.
As far as the ill feelings are concerned, the Christian ought not to have these ill feelings anyway, when he is wronged. He ought to have good will towards the one who wronged him. If he is walking with Jesus and listening to His voice, he will carry out Jesus’ instructions to “do good to those who despitefully use you.†But he must continue to hold them responsible for their actions, and must not absolve them of their wrongdoing until they repent.
It may be that the party who has sinned against us, may not come to us and ask forgiveness (Although a truly repentant person normally has a burning desire to do so). However we must see evidence of repentance in that person before forgiving them in this true and full sense.
Some one will say that Jesus declared to the paralyzed man, “Your sins are forgiven you,†without his repentance. It is written that Jesus knew what was in man. He knew that the man had repented. “Ahâ€Â, you say, “but He forgave those people cried out, ‘Crucify him,’ and they certainly had not repented!†Not so! He didn’t forgive them. He prayed to the Father asking the Father to forgive them. Does that mean that the Father forgave them at that moment? No. The Father forgave them when they repented. They were among the 3000 who repented when they heard that powerful word from God through Peter. They were cut to the heart and asked, “Men and Brethren, what shall we do?†Being cut to the heart is often the first step to repentance. Godly sorrow is not repentance, but (according to the Scripture) it leads to repentance. So Peter answered, “Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.â€Â
Acts 2:38.
Verse 40 So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls.
Yes, at that time,3000 people repented and were baptized. That number included some, if not all of those who cried out, “Crucify him!†It was on that occasion that God answered Jesus’ prayer to forgive them.
Dear Lord,
Assist me by your enabling grace to keep any ill feelings against anyone from entering into my life. But if they do, let me offer up those feelings at once, without waiting for the offending party to come to me expressing regrets for his actions. However, if the sinner has not repented, let me not berate myself, feeling that I have not REALLY let go of my feelings, thinking that if I had, I would be in total fellowship with him again. You have taught me that this is not so. For unless there is evidence of repentance, I know I ought not to absolve him. Nevertheless, I truly pray for the man. I ask that he will see his need to change his mind about the way he has been living and treating people. I know you have put it in my heart to completely absolve him when he repents. I know that when that happens, my broken relationship with him will be completely mended, and all will be restored as it was before, with nothing between us. It will be just as if he had never sinned.
Dear Father, this is the way that You deal with people. May I show myself to be a true son of yours, by behaving the same way to my fellows.
