Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,237
- 10,721
first, I"d like to Praise God for setting me free from so, so, so much! He truly is a Good and Merciful God! thing is...
i do hear voices...but i hear voices because its replays of stuff that really happened, really came before. so to say i hear voices as proof of a 'mental disorder' is most unfair. i hear voices because i spent a lot of time as a low status, stigmatized human being...which im beginning to think is what drives a lot of 'psychosis,' 'bipolar,' even 'severe depression.'
there have been people yelling out at me. it was worse when i lived in a different place in this area, then my parents sold that, now im living here, and...its harder to torment me. it was awful at the apt. place, because i was renting. there were times when id come in and the place smelled heavily of cologne...once, i found an old, burned up either hand rolled cigarette or joint in the kitchen. not good. my parents wrote it off as paranoia...im not so sure, because...
in years past, i was targeted. sick, brain damaged, living off my then middle-class ("rinky dink middle class," to quote people 'round here) parents. blah. 11 years ago, cops were targeting me, where i was living...i was pulled over, given tickets for stupid stuff, once a younger officer had me get out of the car and he pulled out the angry, intimading cop routine (red faced, shaking with anger, etc.). not good. oh, and then...i was 'randomly attacked,' bashed on the head with a pipe. ugh. :-(
so, the way things usually go...i should not be alive or living in freedom, should not be able to write this out for everyone. clearly...God is good! people? nope. not so much.
here, where i live, i've already heard people yelling out 'i dont want HIM living anywhere near me!' and 'why ain't he in the trailer park?' funny thing...
ive been spared the trailer park, which is good, because...people have gone far enough when ive lived in other places. in a trailer park or gov't housing, it wouldve been...-over-.
what gives? "mental patient" (low status, supposed to be under heavy psych control) HIV+ for a long time now, 0 treatment (true story), and run ins with the legal system. so...my own sins, plus the world=oppression.control.misery. right? well...
6 years ago, Jesus saved me. or I should say...saved me, and began the process of continuing to save me. I do not have a felony. I am not now, nor have I ever, received 'standard treatment' for HIV+, and the initial + test came thru over 13 years ago. and yet....
well, maybe 'and yet' isn't the phrase im looking for...i read this book once, and the -only- sentence i remember is this: "God's work in this world is always met with opposition." boom. see, its not that im super-special and amazing...its that God is...well...God (omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent), and He's seen fit to show my family+me some extreme grace, mercy, pity, etc. so...
the tension, conflict, etc. around me is, on the surface, due to social stuff. my parents are now somewhat well-to-do, they own my place. im healthy. ive somehow gotten a bit taller (No longer short), and my face is better, more aesthetically pleasing. i obey the law, i drive the speed limit, and...
there seem to be people who hate me and love taunting me, big time. and there's 0 i can really -do-, the way people in the world -do- anything about people harassing them. i do pray....now, im finally to the point where i pray for His perfect will for my life and I pray for all my enemies, tormentors, etc. to be blessed, especially as it comes to the things of Christ.
Truth. The truth is...in Christ, I now have much more freedom than I can claim to 'deserve' or anything. the deal is...im very stigmatized and im also regarded as an 'uppity mental patient' and/or 'trouble maker.' not good...
rambling. God is good! I just...need some prayers, for my parents+me. I know that my mama was targeted...people have tried to destroy her career numerous times, only some of them had anything to do with me....
and I suspect my dad was targeted, too. :-( not all related to me, of course. upwardly mobile people....sometimes bring out the demon in people. people above wanna stomp on you, people below want to drag them down, and...yeah. yeah. add in small town stuff, things were ugly. and now...
mama's retired, thank God (!!!). dad seems to enjoy his job, plus...honestly, it took a good while to get to where he is now, so i think he's going to keep working until he's really, really, really sure he doesn't feel like it, then he'll retire. rambling...
its a mean, ugly world we all live in, isn't it? thankfully, as a Christian, I'm now being "...transformed, by the renewal of you mind..." vs being conformed unto the ways of a dark+dying world. applies to all of us, of course...its just a miracle, in and of itself, for someone like me...a 'loser' turned into a 'weakling,' limping along when i got saved.
ok. please pray for my parents+me. thanks, y'all.
i do hear voices...but i hear voices because its replays of stuff that really happened, really came before. so to say i hear voices as proof of a 'mental disorder' is most unfair. i hear voices because i spent a lot of time as a low status, stigmatized human being...which im beginning to think is what drives a lot of 'psychosis,' 'bipolar,' even 'severe depression.'
there have been people yelling out at me. it was worse when i lived in a different place in this area, then my parents sold that, now im living here, and...its harder to torment me. it was awful at the apt. place, because i was renting. there were times when id come in and the place smelled heavily of cologne...once, i found an old, burned up either hand rolled cigarette or joint in the kitchen. not good. my parents wrote it off as paranoia...im not so sure, because...
in years past, i was targeted. sick, brain damaged, living off my then middle-class ("rinky dink middle class," to quote people 'round here) parents. blah. 11 years ago, cops were targeting me, where i was living...i was pulled over, given tickets for stupid stuff, once a younger officer had me get out of the car and he pulled out the angry, intimading cop routine (red faced, shaking with anger, etc.). not good. oh, and then...i was 'randomly attacked,' bashed on the head with a pipe. ugh. :-(
so, the way things usually go...i should not be alive or living in freedom, should not be able to write this out for everyone. clearly...God is good! people? nope. not so much.
here, where i live, i've already heard people yelling out 'i dont want HIM living anywhere near me!' and 'why ain't he in the trailer park?' funny thing...
ive been spared the trailer park, which is good, because...people have gone far enough when ive lived in other places. in a trailer park or gov't housing, it wouldve been...-over-.
what gives? "mental patient" (low status, supposed to be under heavy psych control) HIV+ for a long time now, 0 treatment (true story), and run ins with the legal system. so...my own sins, plus the world=oppression.control.misery. right? well...
6 years ago, Jesus saved me. or I should say...saved me, and began the process of continuing to save me. I do not have a felony. I am not now, nor have I ever, received 'standard treatment' for HIV+, and the initial + test came thru over 13 years ago. and yet....
well, maybe 'and yet' isn't the phrase im looking for...i read this book once, and the -only- sentence i remember is this: "God's work in this world is always met with opposition." boom. see, its not that im super-special and amazing...its that God is...well...God (omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent), and He's seen fit to show my family+me some extreme grace, mercy, pity, etc. so...
the tension, conflict, etc. around me is, on the surface, due to social stuff. my parents are now somewhat well-to-do, they own my place. im healthy. ive somehow gotten a bit taller (No longer short), and my face is better, more aesthetically pleasing. i obey the law, i drive the speed limit, and...
there seem to be people who hate me and love taunting me, big time. and there's 0 i can really -do-, the way people in the world -do- anything about people harassing them. i do pray....now, im finally to the point where i pray for His perfect will for my life and I pray for all my enemies, tormentors, etc. to be blessed, especially as it comes to the things of Christ.
Truth. The truth is...in Christ, I now have much more freedom than I can claim to 'deserve' or anything. the deal is...im very stigmatized and im also regarded as an 'uppity mental patient' and/or 'trouble maker.' not good...
rambling. God is good! I just...need some prayers, for my parents+me. I know that my mama was targeted...people have tried to destroy her career numerous times, only some of them had anything to do with me....
and I suspect my dad was targeted, too. :-( not all related to me, of course. upwardly mobile people....sometimes bring out the demon in people. people above wanna stomp on you, people below want to drag them down, and...yeah. yeah. add in small town stuff, things were ugly. and now...
mama's retired, thank God (!!!). dad seems to enjoy his job, plus...honestly, it took a good while to get to where he is now, so i think he's going to keep working until he's really, really, really sure he doesn't feel like it, then he'll retire. rambling...
its a mean, ugly world we all live in, isn't it? thankfully, as a Christian, I'm now being "...transformed, by the renewal of you mind..." vs being conformed unto the ways of a dark+dying world. applies to all of us, of course...its just a miracle, in and of itself, for someone like me...a 'loser' turned into a 'weakling,' limping along when i got saved.
ok. please pray for my parents+me. thanks, y'all.
