Friendship is not a stepping stone!

[Berzee]

When I was in college, I had a sort of revelation wherein God spoke to me and said "JAKE, I have called you to minister to all of the pretty girls on campus." Oh, wait...that wasn't God? :P That was maybe a little too convenient? ;) For reals though, my heart does go out to the pretty, popular, enchanting girls.

Why so? Because an enchanting girl is likely surrounded by guys who are enchanted with her -- instead of guys who are trying to be brotherly loving. It's the dazzling girls who might get lost in the dazzle, who have too many followers and not enough friends. But that's just a segue into more general thoughts about friendship "versus" romance.

Friendship between Christians is different than worldly friendship. We have the same Father and the same Spirit inside of us; we all follow the same Son. Those things will never change! Even in Heaven we will be siblings-in-Christ and He is not ashamed to call us His brothers (Heb 2:11).

So if we have an everlasting, Christ-centered relationship with every brother or sister -- and if we are able to build each other up Spiritually as siblings -- then why do so many people treat the family of God as a simple stepping stone to romancey things? Why do people talk about dating like it *replaces* the brother-and-sister relationship? You will never be a good boyfriend if you forget to be a good brother.

This deserves more than a hasty half-page head nod in the first chapter of a Christian Relationship Book. "So you're interested in a girl. Remember, she's your sister in Christ! God is her Father, so no funny business. Got it? Good. Now that we've covered everything you need to know about being a good friend to Christian women, let's talk about something important like whether kissing is okay..."

Yipes :crazy

This is just an encouragement to all of you, to say:

Treat your brothers or sisters like they are valuable, special men or women -- even the ones you don't, like, LIKE like.

Keep treating someone like a sibling even when you start building a romantic relationship with them. Why should throw away your foundation? (Obviously, Christ is the ultimate foundation...but I kind of see relationships as a Tower of Hanoi type of thing ^_^).

In short, treat friendship like a resting place and a way to love people -- not like a stepping stone.

 

[Fembot]

Nice, nice. But boyfriends and girlfriends are more than friends. It is very important to have God at the center of the relationship, agreed. Eventually this person becomes your spouse-and you may have other friends. Right? So, how are you going to differentiate between the two?

I don't believe I would treat my male friends as I do my husband. I try to treat all my brothers and sisters the same. Unfortunately, we are human and family sometimes gets first preference. Especially when people mistake kindness for being flirtatious. Once married it is important to have your spouse be your best friend-with God leading the pack.

 

[Caroline H]

I don't think that means treating everyone else the same as your spouse or treating your spouse the same as everyone else, but there should be some overlap. What made Timothy's and my relationship so different is that we understood firstly that we are brother and sister in Christ. That is how we approached our friendship, our courtship, and our marriage (even though we knew we would get married from the first week). I always did have a problem with the guys around me not being genuine friends (and it went both ways, I didn't consider them Christian brothers as much as potential boyfriends sometimes), and I do think it is a thing forgotten in churches nowadays, and very hardly ever taught in Sunday school.

 

[Berzee]

"Especially when people mistake kindness for being flirtatious"

Haha, this is a big part of the reason why I wrote a book about becoming a ninja brother-in-Christ instead of an ordinary brother. Because these days we are so absolutely messed up in our ideas of male-female relationships that basic, Christian kindness is a minefield!

I'm not speaking about what happens when you get to marriage, because I don't know about that, because I'm not married yet. ;)

What I'm saying is that it should be an everlasting joy to meet another Christian and extend brotherly-sisterly love to them, even if you don't think you'll wind up courting them. =P We should fight this idea that Christian kindness is just Christian flirting!

I've had the same experience as you, caromurp -- seeing people too narrowly in terms of their romantic potential. But God is changing me and even other people I know, which is exciting. ^_^

Every time a guy treats friendship as a stepping stone, it tells the girl "Yeah, you are not important to me as a image-bearer of God really...unless I might get to kiss you some day." And this makes me want to punch him in the head. >_<

 

[Fembot]

Whoa whoa.

Yes, it is great to be a sister to everyone I encounter. Man, woman, child and especially animals.
We do have to remind ourselves-when single-that someone may have alterior motives. So, if a girl is single, then she will probably be looking. Her main goal may not be to have a brother-in-Christ- which will show in her response to your kindness.
To be kind and friendly to someone is the Christian way, yes? Everyone should live this way. Unfortunately there is a thin line between being friendly and being interested in someone.
If someone is asking lots of questions and checking up on me often, it's kind of like, hmmmm is there something else going on between those ears? Just a thought. I've also found that some married men go out of their way to seem disinterested in me. Which is like my only elementary school bully that turned out to have wicked crush on me come 8th grade.
I am one to be extra nice to people, I wouldn't want my husband wondering why I am treating another guy the way I treat him.

This question is to all of you:

What is your definition of being a brother/sister to someone?

 

[Berzee]

That's a very good question, Fembot.

 

[Blazin Bones]

I think it is as easy as answering how we are to love our Neighbors. If we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, then surely family gets the same treatment, right?

I also had a VERY hard time walking the line between brotherly friendship with a girl and actual attraction. I considered it my greatest blessing that I could get along with just about any gal. However, when I was young, I never learned how to separate my gift for respecting my sisters in Christ with my desire for a companion. As far as I was concerned if they received me well and I liked them, it was as good God saying pursue her. That hurt several friendships, and it clearly wasn't right.

It was after much heart ache and many teary eyed nights I finally decided I would get ride of this idea that treating a sister in faith nice was earning my right to have her as a companion. What was amazing is that as soon as I genuinely approached a friendship with a girl as a friendship, it beame more and more clear that I WAS supposed to pursue more than just the friendship.

 

[Fembot]

I think it is as easy as answering how we are to love our Neighbors. If we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, then surely family gets the same treatment, right?

I also had a VERY hard time walking the line between brotherly friendship with a girl and actual attraction. I considered it my greatest blessing that I could get along with just about any gal. However, when I was young, I never learned how to separate my gift for respecting my sisters in Christ with my desire for a companion. As far as I was concerned if they received me well and I liked them, it was as good God saying pursue her. That hurt several friendships, and it clearly wasn't right.

It was after much heart ache and many teary eyed nights I finally decided I would get ride of this idea that treating a sister in faith nice was earning my right to have her as a companion. What was amazing is that as soon as I genuinely approached a friendship with a girl as a friendship, it beame more and more clear that I WAS supposed to pursue more than just the friendship.

So, you're saying that your mistake of adding the pursuit for a companion with your genuine respect for sisters as friends ruined several friendships...
Then you realized that for a young man seeking companionship, the motive WAS really to get to know someone on a deeper level than friendship (in order to know what kind of mate you were seeking)?

Now that you and beautiful Caroline are married, how do you approach a friendship?

 

[Blazin Bones]

What I was saying is that the first time I did it right God made it clear that with Caroline He was calling me to pursue her.

Caroline will tell you I still try to be the all around respectful gent for my friends now as well. However, with sisters, I understand that it's proper to want the best for them, but improper to start with the assumption that anything more than Chrsitan love and Respect is what is best for her life from you.

 

[Berzee]

However, with sisters, I understand that it's proper to want the best for them, but improper to start with the assumption that anything more than Chrsitan love and Respect is what is best for her life from you.

This distinction is quoteable in the extreme, and I am going to hide it away in my memory for future use! ^_^ It is curious how very much I identify with what you said about falsely assuming that brotherly friendship always indicates a green light for romancey pursuits. I think we who strive to be Nice Guys but struggle with lonesomeness do cause ourselves a lot of trouble that way. =P

 

[Fembot]

What I was saying is that the first time I did it right God made it clear that with Caroline He was calling me to pursue her.

Caroline will tell you I still try to be the all around respectful gent for my friends now as well. However, with sisters, I understand that it's proper to want the best for them, but improper to start with the assumption that anything more than Chrsitan love and Respect is what is best for her life from you.

I agree that it's proper to want the best for everyone. Simply stated. :yes