Frustrated with others who know it all in the family

[lmw]

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child was uttered to me over the phone by a cousin of mine that I have seen maybe 3 or 4 times this year alone.

I am a widowed mother of a three year old autistic boy named Gunnar who will be four in November. I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what prompted his call, I do speak of my son on Facebook, but nothing deserving of that phone call criticizing my parenting skills... and my cousin is not even on Facebook... but his wife is.

He took it further saying I should not use my hands to spank my child but to use a belt or a paddle, hands should show love and an object should show discipline. I totally disagree, Spare the rod, spoil the child is not even directly quoted from the bible. I do discipline my son, I don't let him get away with everything and anything just because he is autistic. He is high functioning, he still has to pick up his toys before bed, and he is expected to behave properly, if he is able...

But there are some times when he has meltdowns when he is overstimulated... this is common and discipline just makes these situations worse. I have to remove him from where he is and work on calming him down, then he is fine. He goes into meltdown mode at parties. Two parties we attended where my cousin was. A lot of parents of autistic children don't bring their kids to any social gatherings because of this. I don't want Gunnar to be left out, we go but we don't stay as long, and I'm still learning to make it more enjoyable for him.

Spanking is a controversial issue anyway, but moreso for an autistic child. I tried to tell my cousin its a little different because he is autistic but I repeatedly got interrupted, yelled at, or cut off because of his phone, not to mention he called me at work. I was trying to explain that Gunnar perceives pain differently, a lot of autistic children have a high tolerence for pain. Gunnar overreacts to small owies and underreacts to big owies to put it simply.

He cut his phone call short, he was driving. Then he prayed my son would be healed of his autism. I typed up a letter, included the medical diagnosis, and info printed from this site http://www.autism-in-the-christian-home.com/christian-discipline.html I explained to him how my son's father was never officially diagnosed but after his passing, and doing a years worth of research, I have come to the conclusion that he was autistic as well, so that is why Gunnar has it as well, God made him that way.

he is a father of 6 but he knows nothing about autism. He didn't allow me a chance to tell him about it on the phone, and he doesn't know my son as a person who is by far not defined by autism.

My husband's family disappeared and have no part in my son's life. I was hoping my brother would step up and spend more time with Gunnar after his Daddy died, but he hasn't and my cousin who hardly visits is telling me to beat my son with a rod.

I was pretty informative in what I mailed him, but there was a little blurb I wrote that was pretty stern about how he made me feel. I have a giant extended family, I don't think this will be the last of it

I guess, what do I do if this happens again? What if he calls me up and wants to be all yelling at me again? I mean come on, Im a single mother and I lost my husband a year ago and you are going to shout at me on the phone while I am working just because you think I should spank my autistic child??? It's not gonna make the autism go away, thats for sure!

 

[Danus]

I've always liked the saying what would Jesus do? In answering that, I think he'd turn the other cheek.

Offer in your heart forgiveness and grace to your cousin and his opinion. Maybe not allow your story to be so public on Facebook. That just invite people into your life where you may not need them.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Find a supportive Christian family.

Let your natural family, in-laws and out-laws, be what they are and keep a polite distance from them. And if they don't want to be polite...put a little more distance between you and them. I don't think we have any obligation to make difficult and impolite family members understand us and our situations. You'll just get frustrated trying to make them understand.

 

[lmw]

I have forgiven him but I'm waiting for another call from him. I do realize that he doesn't know about autism so I mailed him some stuff to read, that isn't what really bothered me, it's happened before with other people who never give my son the time of day or come visit but feel they should call me and offer their opinion in how they think I should be raising my son. Yes I'm a widowed single mother, but offering support and asking if I need help would be the way to do it, not telling me I should whip my son and raising your voice at me and interrupting every time I want to say something in return. He told me it's been on his heart and God told him to say those things to me. They are Christians, but have a history of saying things that rub people the wrong way with a holier than thou attitude. We use to be very close, but things have changed over time.

My husband's family are not Christian, last time I saw them was at his funeral, and the last time before that was about a year prior. Gunnar doesn't know who they are and I usually only get a phone call when a member of the family dies. I tried early on to stay in contact, but being one sided with empty promises from them, I just gave up.

Thank the Lord for my Mom. and my Church. And my brother's wife... who hasn't accepted Christ yet but she will soon I pray!!

 

[handy]

Wow... we're friends on Facebook and I checked back over to see what you might have posted that would warrant that kind of call... honestly, whatever it was, it wasn't Facebook.

My husband works with autistic kids and you are correct, spanking them is NOT the way to go. Spankings would just escalate the meltdowns.

That little blurb was to just encourage you that no, you're not a lax mom or being misinformed about how to handle your autistic child. You're a good mom... keep up the good work.

Now, for the real crux... why a cousin who hardly is a part of your life would feel it's OK to call you at work, criticize your parenting, interrupt you when you're trying to speak to him, blow off your correct information and cut off the call because he was driving. Oh, that's right... God told him to... gah...

If he calls again... ask him straight up if he's calling to apologize for his outrageous behavior. If not, wish him well and hang up. If he is, then reiterate the importance of his understanding that an autistic child just isn't going to be able to be disciplined in traditional ways... that if he truly wants to be a supportive male role model in the life of Gunnar, that would be great but he needs to educate himself on autism and if he isn't willing, then his interactions with Gunnar will need to be limited.

After that.. forgive and move on.

Also, I encourage you to google "Intensive Behavioral Intervention Wisconsin" to see if you can get the kind of therapy for Gunnar that Steve provides. It's amazing the results that IBI can achieve for kids with autism.

 

[duari91]

Family is a wonderful thing on this planet, however; Sometimes, they need to be reminded of what they are doing. I believe this is more an issue of judgement. Unfortunately, judgement is probably the number one issue of a christian household/family. I know, because that's exactly how my family is. Family won't go away, so you have to learn how to properly deal with it.

Make sure whatever you do, you don't pass the judgement back on to them. They have no right to judge another human being, they are just as imperfect as the next one. Jesus made that very clear. Don't lower yourself by turning it back to them. In stead, make it clear that they don't have the right to judge, and that you have your child's best interest at heart. You are doing what you think is best for your child, and that is all that matters.

If the judgement continues, there need to be consequences. It's unfortunate, but some adults still act like children and need to be punished accordingly. Let them know that you can't entertain their company if they don't respect you and your decisions. Period.

Remember to tell him "Remove the splinter from your own eye, before you tell me of the splinter in mine" if he pulls the God card.

 

[Carolyn]

Hi, I used to be a special needs attendant on school busses. This meant among other things, strapping down wheel chairs and safely help onto lifts, and dealing with blind, MD, and autistic kids among the myried of disabilities. Frankly, I always prayed that God would give me His love for the kids.
For some reason God gave me a special rapport with the autistic kids. I really enjoyed them, and it was so rewarding to see the growth over the years. Our area has an extremely good program for them, 5 days a week and all day for those 3 and older. But they start at around 18 months in a private center for autism.
I know that some use a large, dark closet for the meltdowns, to decrease stimulation till they calm down. An autistic man who attends our church does so out in the foyer where there is a speaker to decrease distraction.
I took special classes about autism that were paid for by the district under continuing education. They think bus people should not be informed about the disabilities do to right of privacy. That is rediculous! We needed to know as much as possible to safely tranport these children. There is such a wide spectrum, our courses just revealed how much we don't know about each child.
Our area has a very strong parents group that supports each other and speak up for their childrens needs. Our little town only has about 70,000 people so it is possible that your public school district offers something like it. Try calling and finding out what you can, even if he isn't in school yet. The sooner, the better.

By the way, if the man calls back just tell him that you can't talk to him now because you are busy. I am sure it will be true with the load on your shoulders.
Tell him that you appreciate his concern and thank him for calling. Or tell him that it means a lot to know that he cares but you really can't talk right now.
Meanwhile I will be praying that you and your son get the help and support that you both need. Between your grief and the energy needed to look after any 3 year old let alone an autictic one, and work--you must be exhausted!.

 

[reba]

I am one of those people who thinks a quick swat on the hind end has a place or should have one....

I never swated my kids because they had chicken pox, or mumps, or seizures or even when she got mono.... Why ever would one spank a child for having a condition or for being ill?

The cousin is out of line.... You can forgive him, please do as for spending time around him, i wouldn't. Wouldn't Gunner pick up on the edginess quickly... and then the snow ball grows....

 

[eduardo]

Most of the time our family take other frustrations out on each other and its not really about what they're saying. Maybe he's upset about something else and venting on you? Otherwise why get so upset about beating a baby with autisum? I don't know much about autisum so I cannot say what method of discipline would be constructive. I'm told you have to play it by ear. May God renew his mind and refurnish your peace. Take care

 

[AirDancer]

Hi, lmw ........

Sometimes family can be so toxic ........ sometimes, it really is better to let some phone calls go to voicemail......

A book I would recommend reading, considering what you are facing:
"Temple Grandin - How the Girl Who Loved Cows Embraced Autism and Changed The World" by Sy Montgomery.....published by Houghton Mifflin Books for Children.

Your local library should have a copy......if they don't, perhaps they can order it through their interlibrary loan program. While this book is written for adolescents & youth, it's a very informative book for all ages.

Temple's life of dealing with autism was an multi-award winning HBO film a couple of years ago......... this book isn't what the film was based on, but is a fact-filled read that you would appreciate. And, because of the strong support of her mother, Temple now holds a PhD & teaches at Colorado State University (Fort Collins). Fascinating book.

This is a great book for everyone to read, by the way....even if you're not dealing directly with anyone with autism.