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A forced marriage? I'd rather kill myself
By AMANDA CABLE, Daily Mail
Betrothed by choice: Inshana changed her name and married husband Jonathan instead of the man her family chose for her
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The happy wedding picture takes pride of place on Inshana Jones's mantelpiece. It shows her dressed in a designer white gown, holding a traditional bouquet and laughing outside a quaint church with her bridegroom, Jonathan.
It's a typical image of a quintessential English bride - the likes of which adorn millions of homes across the country. But Inshana's wedding portrait never fails to send a shiver down her spine - because each glance at the smiling picture reminds her of how close she came to being forced into a loveless marriage.
As a terrified and unworldly 16-year-old, Inshana once faced a marriage to a middle-aged cousin 33 years her senior. She says: "The memory still makes me feel physically sick. If I shut my eyes I can almost smell him and see him sitting opposite me, licking his lips with delight. Incredibly, in the eyes of the Muslim community, this appalling union was going to bring honour to my family.
"It was my duty - and I only just escaped with my life and my sanity intact."
Inshana's story was given added resonance yesterday when it emerged the Government has backed down over plans to make forced marriage a criminal offence. It's thought protests from Britain's Muslim community led to the dropping of proposals announced two years ago.
Ministers this week admitted they feared such a law would be "resented as an intrusion into minority cultures and religions". But charities and campaigners opposed to forced marriage voiced bitter disappointment. For now at least, the scores of young Muslim girls who go through such marriages every year will find no protection in the law.
Inshana is one of the lucky ones. Today, she prides herself on being a thoroughly modern Englishwoman - and with her fashionably-streaked hair, elegantly-painted nails and designer wardrobe of must-have designs, she looks every inch the part.
She is a born-again Christian - and attends church every Sunday with her new husband. It's a far cry from her unrelenting upbringing as the eldest daughter of a strict, Muslim family living in the South-East of England.
Born in 1984, she was originally called Salma. Her mother was Bangladeshi and her father of mixed Bangladeshi and Polish background. Her father, a mechanic, had an unquestioned hold over his wife and four children. Inshana recalls: "My parents had been brought together in an arranged marriage - and it was loveless and unhappy. My earliest memories are of my father ruling the roost. He made every single decision, which my mother tolerated in silent misery, carrying out his orders in complete domestic drudgery.
"Father had a vile temper, and he made our daily lives hell. If we displeased him he would hit us while our mother looked on, seemingly oblivious to it all.
"We were raised as strict Muslims and I always had to wear the full hijab covering my arms, body, hair and face with only my eyes on show. At home I was allowed to wear long black skirts and long-sleeved tops with a black headscarf covering my hair.
"Sometimes when I was out on my own, I would secretly remove the headscarf and walk around with my hair hanging loose," she says. "Of course I had to put it back on before I got home.
"I hated having to wear it because I loved colour and fashion. I would gaze at other girls walking down the street, and envy them so much because they could wear exactly what they liked. I would walk into newsagents and look at magazines to see what was in fashion."
Islamic school
Each Saturday, Inshana and her siblings were sent to an Islamic school - common for many Asian children. She recalls: "We had to learn and recite the Koran off by heart. If we stumbled over a line, we would be hit across the legs with a stick and forced to stand facing the corner until the end of the lesson - up to three hours later.
"It was barbaric - but to the local Muslim community, family honour was at stake. If your child can recite the Koran perfectly at the age of five or six, it means you are an honourable man. The fact that your child is beaten if they fail to deliver a word-perfect oratory is of no consequence."
Her family lived in a ground-floor flat, with Inshana's two uncles and their wives living in the flat above. Inshana can't recall how young she was when she first realised her own wedding would be far from the fairytales she read about in school. "I always knew that, as the eldest daughter, I would be married off as soon as a suitable husband was found.
"I never questioned an arranged marriage as all the women in my family had had one - and some were very happy - but I always hoped I would be married to someone I loved."
Shocking discovery
Inshana was nine when a shocking discovery shattered her world. She says: "One hot, sunny day my mother collected myself and my sister from school. We walked home - mother couldn't drive - and as we stepped into the family home, we heard noises in my parents' bedroom. It was then my mother discovered my father was having an affair with a barmaid from the local pub."
Unbelievably, rather than have a screaming row, her parents barely mentioned the incident again, divorcing some months later because of his infidelity. But the local Muslim community believed it was her mother who had brought shame on the family. She was a 'soiled' woman.
But for Inshana it meant a break from his rule of terror. Moving in with her mother, she went to a new school and was happy for a number of years. "I did well in my studies, especially art - I loved drawing and colour," she says.
"I made lots of friends, both Muslim and Western, but was never allowed to have a boyfriend. There were some really nice boys there, but it never entered my head to have a boyfriend.
"I used to read my friend's magazines about love and romance and I did daydream about being in love and getting married and living happily ever after."
Inshana was an unworldly and virginal 16-year-old when her two uncles arranged a marriage with her first cousin, who lived in Bangladesh. Her mother agreed to the wedding, and a few weeks later, Inshana met her husband-to-be when he came to visit her home.
She says: "It was like a bad dream. He was 49, bald and weighed 19st. He waddled into the room, and the smell of stale body odour almost made me ill. He sat next to me, and I saw that he was sweating heavily. He kept wiping his face with a handkerchief, looking me up and down.
"My uncles were laughing and joking, and when they all started to talk about the 'marital bed' I felt physically sick. As soon as my cousin left, I threw myself onto the floor and begged my uncles not to make me marry this man.
"Their answer was to drag me into my bedroom and stub out a cigarette on my foot for being disobedient. They were both upstanding members of the Asian community yet they treated me like a piece of dirt. My virginity was a mere bargaining point for them - while my happiness and future was irrelevant.
"My cousin was desperate for me to be his bride. It meant that he would qualify for a British passport, and could bring his extended family over from Bangladesh. I was his ticket to Britain."
The wedding date was set for April, 2001, and Inshana was taken to the local register office by an aunt to book the ceremony. She recalls: "The registrar was a woman, and I remember her looking me straight in the eyes and asking if I was happy with this marriage.
"My aunt, sitting next to me, grabbed hold of my leg under the table and pinched my skin with her long nails. She warned me, in Bangladeshi, 'If you say anything we will kill you' so I remained silent - rigid with fear.
"The registrar gently told me to 'go away and think about it'. As I was dragged out of the room by my aunt, I looked back and saw the registrar looking at me with undisguised pity."
But wedding plans continued, with Inshana's uncles taking charge, and her mother unwilling to intervene. Inshana says: "I tried to talk to my mother about how I really did not want to marry this man but she had grown up believing women were second class and had to do what they were told. She said I must go ahead with the wedding."
Two months before the wedding was due to take place, Inshana's family organised a huge pre-wedding party for the local community.
"I looked at the man who was about to become my husband, and my stomach heaved. As everyone else chatted happily, I suddenly realised that I couldn't face a future with him. I would rather die."
As her relatives celebrated, Inshana crept upstairs and took a bottle of paracetamol tablets from the medicine cabinet - hiding it under her pillow.
She recalls: "I slowly went back down-arranged stairs and sat on the sofa next to my husband-to-be. I remember thinking, very clearly, that my life was about to end. I felt no fear - just relief that I could escape this appalling marriage."
By 7pm, the guests had left and her mother and siblings had gone to bed, exhausted after the day's events. Inshana crept downstairs for a glass of water to swallow the painkillers. On the kitchen table, she noticed her mobile phone flashing with a message.
"My uncles allowed me to have a mobile phone, so they could keep track of where I was. I hardly ever received calls - so I took the phone upstairs and saw that my father's sister from Manchester had rung. She had been estranged from the family for years, but rang me occasionally.
"I called her back, and blurted out my story - how my body and my life had been promised to a man three decades my senior - and how I would rather die. My aunt was horrified. She told me to pack my belongings into a bin liner and to wait for her to come and fetch me.
"I was so terrified of being discovered that I actually vomited with fear. I knew that if I woke anyone - even my own mother - she would immediately raise the alarm and tell my uncles that I was planning an escape.
"I stared out of the window for five long hours waiting for a car to draw up outside - and it felt like a lifetime."
Escape
Finally, Inshana's aunt arrived, and waited outside with the engine running. Inshana says: "I opened the window, threw down the bin bag and climbed out. Then I ran to the car and never looked back. We arrived at my aunt's house in daylight the next morning.
"I walked into her lounge and literally tore off my hijab and flung it down. I remember asking my aunt what I could do with my life, and when she said 'anything you want', I actually burst into tears. I had never known freedom - or happiness."
The first thing Inshana did was choose her new name. "I was changing my whole identity so my tyrannical uncles could never find me. I picked up the phone book and read magazines for inspiration. I made up a name - Inshana.
"It was the first thing I had ever chosen on my own. It felt wonderful. I kept saying it to myself, over and over again - I even changed it by deed poll. Because I had always been forced to wear the black hijab, I had been forbidden to wear anything colourful. Now, I could choose clothes for the first time in my life.
"My aunt took me into a clothes shop which sold High Street fashions and I was running from rail to rail, feeling the material and soaking up the different textures and patterns.
"I was physically shaking as I walked into the changing rooms - it was a dream come true."
With financial help from her aunt, Inshana enrolled on a fashion course at the local college and started socialising with other teenagers.
She says: "I loved going to parties - the thrill of being able to choose what to wear and being able to talk to anyone I wanted. I had never celebrated Christmas before - and the excitement of waking up on my first Christmas morning to find presents under the tree was wonderful.
"For many months, I was forever looking over my shoulder, terrified that my relatives would find me. I had anonymous calls on my mobile phone, but I changed phones so they no longer had my number."
Within a year of new-found freedom, Inshana made another life-changing decision - dropping her Muslim upbringing to become a born-again Christian. She says: "I was sitting in my new bedroom one evening, looking at the posters I had put on my walls, and thinking about my wonderful new life. Suddenly, I realised there had to be God who had helped me. I joined the local church where my aunt - also a born-again Christian - worshipped and I made a series of new friends."
It was at a church party, on New Year's Eve 2003, that Inshana met training manager Jonathan Jones, who was then 21. She recalls: "I didn't think for one moment that he would be interested in me as a girlfriend. After all, I'd had years of being told I was worthless and was there only to be married off. My confidence levels - particularly when it came to men - were zero."
Jonathan became her first boyfriend - and in August 2004, he proposed. She says: "I was so thrilled I almost screamed at the top of my voice. It was the very stuff of fairytales - and beyond my wildest dreams."
The couple married last spring at a traditional old English church in Manchester. Inshana says: "I was determined to have a traditional white wedding with all the trimmings. We had 300 guests and I wore a long, white bridal gown and carried a bouquet.
"We exchanged vows - I promised to honour and love my husband - and he made the same vows to me. As I walked back down the aisle with the man I loved by my side, it literally was the happiest moment of my life."
In the weeks before her wedding, Inshana had contacted her mother, sister and brothers to invite them to the ceremony. Her siblings were thrilled that she had got in touch, but her mother flatly refused to attend.
"My mother didn't want to know," she says. "She called me an infidel, and said I'd be roasted on a spit for choosing Christianity above Islam. I simply felt sorry for her.
"I didn't feel scared about contacting my family again. I had my new Christian faith and felt strong and confident when I asked them, although I did ask my sister to make sure my uncles didn't know where the wedding was.
"When my mother refused to come, I made sure nobody told her where it was either - just in case she passed the information on. My sister was a bridesmaid, and my brothers sat in the pews. It was a wonderful day and I was so glad they came."
Today, Inshana works as a fashion designer with her own T-shirt range. She says: "I hope that by speaking out, I can help other Asian girls who may find themselves in the same position. The Home Office has a helpline for girls in arranged marriages, and there are also Asian safe houses.
"I love every minute of being married. I love the freedom, the laughter and the love. And every day, I look at the husband I chose and celebrate escaping from the husband and the life I was so nearly forced into."
Some names have been changed to protect identities. Home Office Muslim Youth helpline: 0808 808 2008; http://www.myh.org.uk.
Additional reporting: Karen Connolly.
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