Funny Quotes

[Nocturnal_Principal_X]

"There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you."
~ A. Whitney Brown
from The Big Picture

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
~ A. Whitney Brown

 

[jess321]

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
-- Mike Tyson

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

Never take a blind date to a silent film.
-- Geoffrey Parfitt

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
-- Jim Murray

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Ed Furgol

In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.
-- Konrad Adenauer


"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said forget that, I'll just get a tan instead."

I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

-- Mitch hedberg
R>I>P> :smt038



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