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Girlfriend (Well Ex Now) Issue...

Navigator

Navigator

Member
Alright well here are the basics of my situation:

My ex-girlfriend (as of two Sundays ago) is going through a very confusing time in her life. She's in a major that she doesn't want to be in and she's doing poorly in all her classes. She also is in a sorority and works a job + tutors so her schedule is very busy. She mentioned two Sundays ago that she wanted a break because she didn't know "who she was and wanted to find herself." She mentioned that she recognized that I am in a more stable time in my life, both religiously and in general, and she didn't want to hurt me, or drag me into "her mess." That night wasn't pretty...I was both angry and resentful...I just didn't understand.

The more I thought about it for the next week, the more I started feeling pity on her. I knew her well..because we were friends before we dated and this whole move just did not seem like her. I thought that there was hope. She called me last night to ask if I wanted to talk. I definitely did so we talked. I told her again that I just want to help her get through this and implored that we continue dating so she doesn't lose herself. She told me that she DOES want to get right with God, but she made a mistake that troubled me: She mentioned, though, that right now she doesn't want a serious relationship (which is what me + her would be) because she just wants to have fun with her fraternity/sorority buddies, which includes drinking/making out/etc. She even mentioned WANTING to have sex...she insisted she wouldn't but the thought has crossed her mind. She's Christian as well and I told her, that isn't really cool to do...especially knowing that it is a sin.

I know she's heading down a terrible path, but she's insisted on me not being there to help her. I would feel absolutely terrible letting her do this to herself, but I can't do anything if she won't let me. This isn't the girl that I started liking it and it seems that sin/the devil has gotten a hold of her and she's succumbing to it. Any advice on what I should do? Leave her be and let God bring her back, or try to stay in her life and show her the error of her ways?
 
That's a tough one. But you were right when you said you can't help her if she doesn't want you to. It sounds to me like she just doesn't want to be with you anymore, and if you have to "implore" someone to stay with you....well, what does that tell you? I don't mean to be blunt. But in my opinion, when you said that you can't help her if she doesn't want you to, you said it all. You can pray for her though, obviously. It may not seem like much, but really, I think that's the best thing you can do if you truely care for her. Don't let her problems become your problems if she's not even your girlfriend, life gives you enough of your own, as you know. I definitely know how hard it is to want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you, and it's one of the hardest things to deal with. I suggest just trying to move on with your life while keeping her in your prayers.
 
Thanks Nina for your response.

I know that I can't do anything at this point personally. No matter how many times I tell her what she is doing isn't right or even what I think she wants deep down, only she can make that decision for herself.

I'll definitely be praying for her and hopefully she realizes that the path she has chosen is one full of disappointment and she'll choose to change her ways before things get too bad.
 
Hey Navigator. I just want to say its awesome you are sticking to your faith and are being stable in your walk, something in which I am guilty of getting really angry at God for time to time over heartbrokeness over a girl. The bad that you may not want to hear is that it is true at which there is a point where you have to let go and there is no longer much you can do. Its also true she may just not want to be with you anymore. Anybody I have ever known never throws away anything they truly want. I do have a long and confusing story on a girl that still brings hurt to my heart in which I will shorten up. This girl would kiss me and tell me how great of a guy I was and she would be with me if she was ready to date but shes not ready to date and that she was not looking for that because circumstances so she would stay single. I couldnt just kiss her anymore without it leading somewhere in a futher relationship(i.e marriage someday and obedience to God), so I just decided to be friends which was extremely difficult after developing feelings for her. Eventually our friendship ended one day and I found out she is dating some guy now. It has brought a lot of confusion and hurt upon me especially after she said she wasnt ready for dating until her circumstances changed in which they never did and that if she was ready to date I would be the guy. I suppose what I am trying to say is if somebody truly wants to be with you, they will be with you and not make excuses. I just think this girl either doesnt want to be with you anymore or just doesnt want to be tied down because of what you said about her saying she wanted to make out and possibly have sex. I would say it may be time to let go, but you have to make your own decisions. Just keep one thing in mind. The more you try to hold onto this girl its very possible that you may just push her away more if her heart isnt right in the first place.
 
I've decided that I will let her come to me if there is something she needs to say from now on. I've told her everything I've wanted to say. I'll pray for her in the meantime.
Your experience reminds me a lot of mine, but I hope this one doesn't get away haha. From the two options you noted; it sounds like she just does not want to be tied down right now. She is newly 21 and I am 20 and I believe she is having what I call a "quarter-life crisis." She truly believes she is missing out on what life has to offer by NOT partying and having fun in college, which is sad, but that's where she's at.
She admitted last night that she would love to be with someone like me (or me) but not now. I still don't understand that because I agree that if somebody truly cares about somebody, they should want to be with them whenever...

Thanks again for the intake...all is much appreciated.
 
What is with everyone keeping in touch with ex-s?

Anyways... As her brother in Christ you have a responsibility to keep her accountable. So either get in touch with some of her Christian sisters and tell them the ball is in their court and do it yourself.
 
Pard said:
What is with everyone keeping in touch with ex-s?

Anyways... As her brother in Christ you have a responsibility to keep her accountable. So either get in touch with some of her Christian sisters and tell them the ball is in their court and do it yourself.
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Well at this point, I don't really know any of her Christian sisters and don't know if she's even talked to them much this year. That's one of the main reasons why I'm so hesitant to let go. Her ex before me (who is also one of my friends) was a Christian as well and held her pretty accountable, or maybe too accountable haha, during their relationship. Now that she wants to be free of a relationship, I don't know who else would keep her grounded besides me...and she's told me that she basically wants me out of her life relationship-wise right now. :sad

I'm just confused on what to do. I can't get close without potentially pushing her away long-term, but if I let her go, I feel she's going to get in some DEEP trouble..:chin
 
Navigator said:
Alright well here are the basics of my situation:

My ex-girlfriend (as of two Sundays ago) is going through a very confusing time in her life. She's in a major that she doesn't want to be in and she's doing poorly in all her classes. She also is in a sorority and works a job + tutors so her schedule is very busy. She mentioned two Sundays ago that she wanted a break because she didn't know "who she was and wanted to find herself." She mentioned that she recognized that I am in a more stable time in my life, both religiously and in general, and she didn't want to hurt me, or drag me into "her mess." That night wasn't pretty...I was both angry and resentful...I just didn't understand.

The more I thought about it for the next week, the more I started feeling pity on her. I knew her well..because we were friends before we dated and this whole move just did not seem like her. I thought that there was hope. She called me last night to ask if I wanted to talk. I definitely did so we talked. I told her again that I just want to help her get through this and implored that we continue dating so she doesn't lose herself. She told me that she DOES want to get right with God, but she made a mistake that troubled me: She mentioned, though, that right now she doesn't want a serious relationship (which is what me + her would be) because she just wants to have fun with her fraternity/sorority buddies, which includes drinking/making out/etc. She even mentioned WANTING to have sex...she insisted she wouldn't but the thought has crossed her mind. She's Christian as well and I told her, that isn't really cool to do...especially knowing that it is a sin.

I know she's heading down a terrible path, but she's insisted on me not being there to help her. I would feel absolutely terrible letting her do this to herself, but I can't do anything if she won't let me. This isn't the girl that I started liking it and it seems that sin/the devil has gotten a hold of her and she's succumbing to it. Any advice on what I should do? Leave her be and let God bring her back, or try to stay in her life and show her the error of her ways?
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Oh dear. I have a fellow young man technician at work who just had his fiance break off the plans with him, and he was heart broken since they were friends since childhood and were "together" probably 15 years. She was going through exactly the same thing that your girlfriend is experiencing.

I think the best advice I can give is to let her go, and be there for her if she wants to come back. I would hesitate going into another relationship immediately, say within a year or so. If she does not come back by then, then so be it.

Anxiety or confusion (not being her own person but always did what others told her all her life) may be the root behind this. Whatever you do, don't show her the "errors of her ways" as that will be the final nail in the coffin.

Sometimes I think that both religious and secular world do not make the environment conducive for women to think well of themselves, and then they think they are in a mess, as your girlfriend suggested. Young women oftentimes think this way and almost seems like the carnival hypnotist put a spell on them and stole them away from you --- such is the fickle mind.

Instead, try to be thankful that you are stable in the Lord and His ways. In the end, that's all that matters anyway. God is not unaware as to what is going on, and He may or may not have another plan for your life --- don't try to force it like Abraham tried to force onto God Ishmael being the inheritor of the birthright. God's not asleep. Trust me on this.
 
tim-from-pa said:
Oh dear. I have a fellow young man technician at work who just had his fiance break off the plans with him, and he was heart broken since they were friends since childhood and were "together" probably 15 years. She was going through exactly the same thing that your girlfriend is experiencing.

I think the best advice I can give is to let her go, and be there for her if she wants to come back. I would hesitate going into another relationship immediately, say within a year or so. If she does not come back by then, then so be it.

Anxiety or confusion (not being her own person but always did what others told her all her life) may be the root behind this. Whatever you do, don't show her the "errors of her ways" as that will be the final nail in the coffin.

Sometimes I think that both religious and secular world do not make the environment conducive for women to think well of themselves, and then they think they are in a mess, as your girlfriend suggested. Young women oftentimes think this way and almost seems like the carnival hypnotist put a spell on them and stole them away from you --- such is the fickle mind.

Instead, try to be thankful that you are stable in the Lord and His ways. In the end, that's all that matters anyway. God is not unaware as to what is going on, and He may or may not have another plan for your life --- don't try to force it like Abraham tried to force onto God Ishmael being the inheritor of the birthright. God's not asleep. Trust me on this.
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I know that's what I SHOULD do, but mannn...is it hard. :bigfrown

She goes to the same school as me..I see her comment/post on Facebook..heck..I see a couple walking around together and laughing and I immediately think of her and I NOT being together and NOT doing just that..

I'm slowly but surely becoming more and more "indifferent" to the break up, but she's still lingering there. I am living my life and trying not to think about her, but I'll get a text or call and frantically check it to see if it's her...then be disappointed when I find out it's not. That's not healthy and I know that.

It's like a sin that I can't seem to break away from...but that's it...it's not a sin. I feel no guilt, no remorse for thinking about her, because there's nothing technically wrong with it. I'm at a point where I wish she would've just said she doesn't like me the same way or she's found someone else she likes more. THAT would let me forget about her because she's permanently moved on... but she told me that I'm what she's looking for, but not right now...that makes me want to wait because I'm just waiting for that day she'll "wake up" and come back, but I know that's not healthy because anything could happen.
 
Navigator said:
I know that's what I SHOULD do, but mannn...is it hard. :bigfrown

She goes to the same school as me..I see her comment/post on Facebook..heck..I see a couple walking around together and laughing and I immediately think of her and I NOT being together and NOT doing just that..

I'm slowly but surely becoming more and more "indifferent" to the break up, but she's still lingering there. I am living my life and trying not to think about her, but I'll get a text or call and frantically check it to see if it's her...then be disappointed when I find out it's not. That's not healthy and I know that.

It's like a sin that I can't seem to break away from...but that's it...it's not a sin. I feel no guilt, no remorse for thinking about her, because there's nothing technically wrong with it. I'm at a point where I wish she would've just said she doesn't like me the same way or she's found someone else she likes more. THAT would let me forget about her because she's permanently moved on... but she told me that I'm what she's looking for, but not right now...that makes me want to wait because I'm just waiting for that day she'll "wake up" and come back, but I know that's not healthy because anything could happen.
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You're normal and OK. Try to preoccupy your thoughts in the meantime on something else, a hobby, bible reading, Christian fellowship, whatever. And try to plan your routes to run into her minimally, and that includes social media.
 
Okay I have a bit of an update from tonight, as she came to me asking if I wanted to watch a movie with her. I agreed and we went off and rented a movie we both wanted to see and brought it back to my place. One of the first things she said while in the car is that she wanted to go shopping and she wanted me to go with her. I was hesitant at first because of how I was feeling about us casually hanging out.. I brought up how I LIKED seeing her obviously, but wasn't sure if that was best if she doesn't plan on dating me. She got kind of mad at that, but it quickly dissolved and she sat me aside in my room and told me that she really does miss dating me, and she wants to hang out with me now because she doesn't want me getting away or thinking she doesn't care. I further explained my side, but all in all we both left the conversation feeling satisfied with our "new relationship."

Now during the movie we didn't do anything crazy, but there was snuggling involved, mostly prompted by her. She leaned on me, I put my arm around her and she moved in close. We stopped the movie to eat some snacks and we talked a bit then and I don't know...I still felt like we were dating. We were both laughing, smiling, just enjoying each other's company. We looked in each others' eyes like we did when we dated (sorry...cheesy..i know) It just was a good feeling. I eventually took her to my car to take her back to her place and she asked if I wanted to dance. She didn't even ask that when we were dating, so I said "sure" and she played some music from her phone that we slow danced to in the street by my car. It was slightly romantic, but also fun.

Now this is my dilemma: On the surface it looks like she is keeping me around until SHE'S ready to date. That makes me look like a pushover and her like a manipulator, which neither of us are. I know that's not her true intentions (at least I hope) but the evidence is there. The thing is...I almost prefer this to her not wanting to see me and telling me to date other people. I like this girl a lot. I feel we are very compatible, and would hate to be the one to ruin things by refusing to hang out only on her terms. I feel that's an opinion I should be able to voice with her without her wanting to end things, but I don't want to really take that chance. At the same time..I don't want her to walk all over me...I am the man in the relationship.

So I pose a new question to all giving advice:

Should I continue seeing her casually and hope that she wants to start dating soon? OR should I refuse to hang out with her on her terms because she appears to only want to date me when it's convenient to her?

Thanks and apologies for the long response.
 
Navigator said:
Okay I have a bit of an update from tonight, as she came to me asking if I wanted to watch a movie with her. I agreed and we went off and rented a movie we both wanted to see and brought it back to my place. One of the first things she said while in the car is that she wanted to go shopping and she wanted me to go with her. I was hesitant at first because of how I was feeling about us casually hanging out.. I brought up how I LIKED seeing her obviously, but wasn't sure if that was best if she doesn't plan on dating me. She got kind of mad at that, but it quickly dissolved and she sat me aside in my room and told me that she really does miss dating me, and she wants to hang out with me now because she doesn't want me getting away or thinking she doesn't care. I further explained my side, but all in all we both left the conversation feeling satisfied with our "new relationship."

Now during the movie we didn't do anything crazy, but there was snuggling involved, mostly prompted by her. She leaned on me, I put my arm around her and she moved in close. We stopped the movie to eat some snacks and we talked a bit then and I don't know...I still felt like we were dating. We were both laughing, smiling, just enjoying each other's company. We looked in each others' eyes like we did when we dated (sorry...cheesy..i know) It just was a good feeling. I eventually took her to my car to take her back to her place and she asked if I wanted to dance. She didn't even ask that when we were dating, so I said "sure" and she played some music from her phone that we slow danced to in the street by my car. It was slightly romantic, but also fun.

Now this is my dilemma: On the surface it looks like she is keeping me around until SHE'S ready to date. That makes me look like a pushover and her like a manipulator, which neither of us are. I know that's not her true intentions (at least I hope) but the evidence is there. The thing is...I almost prefer this to her not wanting to see me and telling me to date other people. I like this girl a lot. I feel we are very compatible, and would hate to be the one to ruin things by refusing to hang out only on her terms. I feel that's an opinion I should be able to voice with her without her wanting to end things, but I don't want to really take that chance. At the same time..I don't want her to walk all over me...I am the man in the relationship.

So I pose a new question to all giving advice:

Should I continue seeing her casually and hope that she wants to start dating soon? OR should I refuse to hang out with her on her terms because she appears to only want to date me when it's convenient to her?

Thanks and apologies for the long response.
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OK, now I'm putting two and two together somewhat. You're the same poor fellow with the cough in the health forum. Sounds to me like you are stressed out over this and you probably gotten a stubborn albeit mild nasal cold and/or the GERD I suggested (as stomach problems go also with stress).

From the sounds of it, she does not want to be overly committed but just keeping you enough on a rope to pull you in if she wants, or to cut you free. Again, I think the basis for this behavior is also what I mentioned in my earlier post.

Whether you want to keep doing this is up to you. You have to face the fact it may not work out, and whether you want to waste your dating time on someone who may not be there for you. Must you see this in terms of a male/female thing for now? Maybe it's my age, but I have friends of the opposite sex without "dating" them --- but then again I'm married. :lol But my point is one can hang out with the opposite sex as a friend. My son (almost 24 years old) does this all the time as he is socialable with friends of both sexes.

If you hang out with her, you can sort of tell if she's serious or not after awhile. If you perceive not, then you should pursue other women if you want a relationship. If she protests, then that may also indicate a possessive or controlling personality, but that's another subject.
 
tim-from-pa said:
OK, now I'm putting two and two together somewhat. You're the same poor fellow with the cough in the health forum. Sounds to me like you are stressed out over this and you probably gotten a stubborn albeit mild nasal cold and/or the GERD I suggested (as stomach problems go also with stress).

From the sounds of it, she does not want to be overly committed but just keeping you enough on a rope to pull you in if she wants, or to cut you free. Again, I think the basis for this behavior is also what I mentioned in my earlier post.

Whether you want to keep doing this is up to you. You have to face the fact it may not work out, and whether you want to waste your dating time on someone who may not be there for you. Must you see this in terms of a male/female thing for now? Maybe it's my age, but I have friends of the opposite sex without "dating" them --- but then again I'm married. :lol But my point is one can hang out with the opposite sex as a friend. My son (almost 24 years old) does this all the time as he is socialable with friends of both sexes.

If you hang out with her, you can sort of tell if she's serious or not after awhile. If you perceive not, then you should pursue other women if you want a relationship. If she protests, then that may also indicate a possessive or controlling personality, but that's another subject.
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I am that guy from the health forum! haha nice.

And the thing is, I DO want to date her again, badly. I have had many girls who are friends over the years (and my ex is and was one of those), but I guess I'm just afraid because I don't want to get shut down again if idk..something happens. I'm a thinker and sometimes a worrier, so often times I look at the worst case scenario, which isn't healthy. For all I know, us hanging out now could be the bridge for us to get back together and a way for her to realize what she gave up...but OF COURSE I don't think about that positive possibility :lol

I talked with her again today and I want to give it a shot, hanging out with her that is...she showed the initial interest. I was giving her space, albeit, it was very hard to do so, but I was, and the fact that she wants to hang out again means (at least to me) that she's beginning to come around. If things end up not working out, then it'll hurt, but I'll learn from it and be a better man for it...I think. I'm 20 and she is/was my first REAL girlfriend (I don't count the little "crushes" in middle/high school). I have plenty to learn and worst case scenario is this becomes a mistake that I learn from.
 
Navigator said:
I am that guy from the health forum! haha nice.

And the thing is, I DO want to date her again, badly. I have had many girls who are friends over the years (and my ex is and was one of those), but I guess I'm just afraid because I don't want to get shut down again if idk..something happens. I'm a thinker and sometimes a worrier, so often times I look at the worst case scenario, which isn't healthy. For all I know, us hanging out now could be the bridge for us to get back together and a way for her to realize what she gave up...but OF COURSE I don't think about that positive possibility :lol

I talked with her again today and I want to give it a shot, hanging out with her that is...she showed the initial interest. I was giving her space, albeit, it was very hard to do so, but I was, and the fact that she wants to hang out again means (at least to me) that she's beginning to come around. If things end up not working out, then it'll hurt, but I'll learn from it and be a better man for it...I think. I'm 20 and she is/was my first REAL girlfriend (I don't count the little "crushes" in middle/high school). I have plenty to learn and worst case scenario is this becomes a mistake that I learn from.
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Oh goodness! You are young enough to be my son, and younger than both my sons. I know that this does not make sense right now, but when you become 52 like I am, you will realize that you have "plenty of time yet". Yes you have to decide if you can take the potential consequences, ie. if it ultimately does not work out. But you do seem to have a very rational and mature approach to the situation.

Believe me (and that may be hard when you feel like you do) you have PLENTY of time. Just enjoy life --- you are in your best years. If she does not come around within a reasonable amount of time, you have permission to date others. :lol I know it hurts, but time does heal all, trust me on that. And since you trust the Lord, my gut feeling is your future is very bright indeed. I've been there and done that myself and ended up with a wonderful woman myself --- not who I would have thought back then, but one who loves me and sticks by my side, and I love her wholeheartedly and could not imagine better today.
 
tim-from-pa said:
Oh goodness! You are young enough to be my son, and younger than both my sons. I know that this does not make sense right now, but when you become 52 like I am, you will realize that you have "plenty of time yet". Yes you have to decide if you can take the potential consequences, ie. if it ultimately does not work out. But you do seem to have a very rational and mature approach to the situation.

Believe me (and that may be hard when you feel like you do) you have PLENTY of time. Just enjoy life --- you are in your best years. If she does not come around within a reasonable amount of time, you have permission to date others. :lol I know it hurts, but time does heal all, trust me on that. And since you trust the Lord, my gut feeling is your future is very bright indeed. I've been there and done that myself and ended up with a wonderful woman myself --- not who I would have thought back then, but one who loves me and sticks by my side, and I love her wholeheartedly and could not imagine better today.
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Well I suppose an update is in order since you were so gracious to show concern in the first place :)

I HAVE been hanging out with her; in fact a good deal. We have begun to resume doing things that we often did when we dated (ie. holding hands, linking arms, walking close with arms around each other, etc.) We have not kissed or anything like that since breaking up, but besides that, it feels as if we are. She has initiated most of this, which is why I think I'm happy about it. I don't think she is leading me on, though I am confused as to why we can't date. I know that sounds selfish, but what we are doing is not what normal guy and girl friends do...it's what couples do. I'll see what happens, but I hope I can call her my girlfriend again soon

*Okay well, it's gotten more "intense" since my last update. The past two times we have seen each other we have kissed, and she mentioned how she "wants me all to herself" which is something she said when we dated. Now this is where I'm confused: We ARE basically dating now. BUT..I don't know if I want to mention that to her and ask if we're dating because she knows (and I know) that I was the one who wanted to get back together from the minute we broke up haha. I don't want her thinking that I was doing all this with her just to get her to date me again, because honestly the title isn't important...I just don't want to be in this weird limbo position where I don't know if we are dating or not. I just like being with her so I don't want to ruin that, but I feel like I should know if we are dating or not....
 
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Well, is she really saved? Does she really know God? I mean at one time she may of known God like as a kid or previously but right now it's clear that she doesn't want to make God a priority.

Maybe something deeper or more emotional is bugging her. You can try to get it out of her but if she's made up her mind to stray away, there's nothing you can really do but to pray for her. And I'm sure there's more you can talk to her, you can bring her to Church, you can pray with her, you can advise her but really all of it is her decision.

You should also not hang on to the relationship if she doesn't want to make a commitment to you. It could be an excuse or a nice way of saying "I don't really want to be your girlfriend anymore." Of course she feel's guilty because your her friend but maybe she wants to date other people and this is her way of slightly saying it without being blunt. It's like a guy saying, "I need some alone time to think" when really it's a nice way of breaking up. She may care about you but maybe her feelings of love have gone away and of course she may be truthfully looking at her life and seeing how different it is from yours.

I would say don't hang onto this relationship. I think she made her decision. I think you should wait for the right girl to come into your life.
 
Oddly the more you throw it in her face the more appealing it seems. As christian youths in college we have to watch our peers have "fun", the type of fun that is drilled into us at an early age a college student is supposed to be having. Being in a sorority makes it worse for her in that aspect. Some of us who are christians because we are told to be tend to have to learn that the fun of the world is not meant for those of us really striving for heaven. It takes living and learning sometimes.
 
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