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(Help) Creating Boundaries With My Girlfriend and Changing Mindset

B

bertstareddd

Member
Background:
All throughout high school, I wanted a girlfriend and never had one, so it was a very touchy subject for me and I entered my freshman year of college in a bad mindset, sexually. Messed around with a few girls at the beginning of college then got into a sexual relationship with a random girl at school (everything except intercourse). Met my current girlfriend soon after and eventually started dating her, but we ramped up the sexual part of the relationship fairly quickly and started doing some stuff just before we were officially dating.


We've been dating now for just over 3 months. It's my first relationship and it's going well - we make sure we aren't around each other 24/7 (see each other probably 3 days per week), which is great and we're both very laid back about our relationship, so there's not a lot of strain on it.

Problem is we're still stuck in the sexual issues.. It's something that I obviously know is wrong and that my brain tells me to stop, but I enjoy it so much and don't really even want to stop enough to even give myself boundaries about it. I'm worried that if I create boundaries, I'll sort of be letting her down as well. I'm also worried that if we try to stop and can't, we'll be twice as guilty because we 1) sinned and 2) didn't follow through with our boundary. It's awesome feeling wanted by her and feeling so close to her, but I know that all of this will make a breakup very painful if a breakup ends up happening at some point. I don't know much about her sexual past with guys except that she's a virgin, but I'm afraid to ask because I know I'll get jealous and it will create more questions than answers.

I definitely know that I should stop the sexual relationship with her and pursue dating as God planned, but I find myself thinking lustfully about her quite often and it makes it very difficult to stop things when we get in those situations.
She has so many attributes that I am looking for in my future wife and I think that I could really see myself with her, but I'm worried that she's not spiritually where I want my future wife to be. On the other hand, I am worried that if I decide she's not and break up, I'll regret it and wont be able to find anyone who is as good as her. I think I have a hard time trusting in God's sovereignty.

Sorry, I didn't really think through what I was going to say but I'd love advice in creating boundaries, getting my mindset right, creating a better spiritual relationship with her, and/or talking to her about her sexual past.
 
Hi, Roadblkx! Welcome to the forum -- I noticed that there have not been any replies to your post (not sure why) and wanted to "bump" the post. There are many here who, if nothing else, will be able to offer prayerful support to you.

Have you thought of showing your girlfriend what you've written? I too believe that Christians are to flee sexual sin and as a 58 year old can tell you that my deepest heartache stems from that fact that while young, I didn't.

Hope to see more of you here :yes
 
Roadblkx said:
but I find myself thinking lustfully about her quite often and it makes it very difficult to stop things when we get in those situations.
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AS a general rule, one of the most effective things you can do when you are trying to quit doing something that's hard to quit is distraction. This includes forced distraction like being in a place where you can't do whatever you're trying to stop doing. So (after telling her straight out and candid what you're trying to accomplish) make it so you do all your getting together in public or with "chaperones". Do activities in groups. Take your weakness and beat it by not letting it get to a location where it wins.

Maybe change the mindset at first to, "I know I'm weak, but never so weak as to do anything in public. Therefore - public, and I win."

But definitely talk to her about this. Find out if it's a deal-breaker for her, don't just spring it on her and make her alarmed. Tell her your struggle, and what you hope to accomplish - I'm assuming from what you say that means getting to know *her* not just getting to know sex, and how much you want to know her hopes and dreams and inspirations without getting distracted by things that prevent you from focusing on her heart and mind.

and/or talking to her about her sexual past.
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My advice here is to forget her sexual past. If it's past it's not your concern or your business. If she's "going and sinning no more" why would you want to just cause pain and division? Isn't forgiveness the better part of love, here? Forgiveness for whatever her past is whether you know about it or not. Assume forgiveness and drop it.
 
Back when I was single and dating, I couldn't have remained true to godly values if I didn't set up some boundaries.

Listen, the sexual urge is strong and God-given. There's nothing sinful about sex, but lust comes on pretty hard and it's lust that will take you places you don't want to go. The way to keep lust from ruling the day is to set some boundaries.

I wholeheartedly agree with Rhea's advice about keeping within public or chaperoned situations. Our aged ancestors knew well the power of sex, that's why courting was chaperoned.

In the event you get engaged and start to be alone more often, then another boundary to look at is where, when, and how long to touch. My own personal rule was "if my bathing suit covers it, you can't touch it." It worked pretty well.

But, again in agreement with Rhea, the key here is communication. Talk to her...not about past relationships, but about this relationship and how the two of you will respect and uplift one another. Talk to her about the need for boundaries in the physical part of your relationship. Talk to her about what's going to be OK (hand holding, hugs, cuddling and kissing) and not OK (long drawn out petting sessions that awaken passions that can't legitimately be fulfilled). Have that conversation with her, if she's a Christian, she'll be open to it, and even if she isn't, she should respect your need to pull back.

Also, talk to her about God, about where you're headed in life, about spirituality...you might be surprised at how successful marriages can be even with differing ideas about spirituality. Talk to her about goals, children, marriage, dogs, cats, where you think you'll be in five years. This way you can make decisions about the future of your relationship on compatibility...not on how hot you are for her.

As for your mindset...well the only real answer to that is to continue on in your daily prayer and meditation of God's word. When you get carried away with lustful thoughts, take that thought captive and replace it with something a little less tempting.

But, keep in mind that it's normal, even healthy to have sexual attraction to someone you're falling in love with. Don't fear it, or buy into this idea that there is something sinful about it...just learn to keep it under control while you move forward in the relationship. Then, if you do wind up breaking up because it turns out that she wants 14 kids and you'd rather have a dog, or your goal is to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and she wants someone who'll be home every night by 5:30...you can part with mutual respect and fond memories instead of with a lot of sexual baggage that usually leads to hurt.
 
handy said:
In the event you get engaged and start to be alone more often, then another boundary to look at is where, when, and how long to touch. My own personal rule was "if my bathing suit covers it, you can't touch it." It worked pretty well.
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:chin They go topless in France, hon. Good rule, methinks but then I should keep my comments to myself.
 
The main idea to keep in mind when mulling over these things is the Promise, that if we make God first and keep those things that are heavenly first -- then all other things will be added to us. From what you've written I know this is what your heart wants to do. I'd suggest having a good talk with the one you love and explaining that there may come a situation where you would have to demonstrate your commitment to the love that is growing between the two of you even it looked for a moment like you were walking away.

Let her know the big picture and the why of things. That might involve several conversations, so no need to spell it out in one sitting but instead make it your goal to let her see your heart, both for God and for her and for your possible future. Then listen. Hide the things she says in your heart and go to your Father in heaven with them. He isn't commanding us to do something that we can't do. And having your steps ordered by God avoids all the heartache that I mentioned and you are right to fear.
 
Thank you for all of your thoughts they have been helpful. This is going to be so difficult. I don't remember if I ever stated my age, but if not I am 19 and she is 20. She's been gone for 2 weeks and I get to see her Sunday night. I'm not even horny right now but even now I'm looking forward to seeing her Sunday for sexual reasons as well. My mind knows its wrong, but it just doesn't feel like a sin anymore, it feels perfectly normal.
I definitely need to talk with her about it, but my sinful side is hesitant because it's worried that if we have a deep conversation about it, she will be less-readily available. I really am not sure how to approach it and I don't know if it would maybe be better to just have a talk about where we are spiritually in general first and then have this talk after that?

I really wish we would talk about this stuff more openly and I think it's mostly my fault since I'm the man and need to lead, but its my first relationship and I'm unsure. We have so much fun together just hanging out, talking, and flirting that I never want to bring things like this up.
 
Roadblkx,

If she's like 99.9% of young women, sheloves to talk about relationships, where it's headed, how it is for you...I wouldn't worry about turning her away. Trust me on this!

But, here is something to consider: If you don't feel that you can have a conversation regarding the amount of physical contact you share...then you're really not ready for the physical contact.

Believe me, at 19, you're being perfectly normal. This is one of the reasons why I, for one, am against this current trend of marrying later and later and later....God made our bodies to be ready for marriage at an early age and it sets young adults up for sin to delay what God Himself instituted.

(We had quite the discussion around here awhile back about whether it's truly better to wait until mid to late 20's to marry. Lot's of pros and cons on both sides of the fence.)

At any rate, since you enjoy talking with her, talking with her on such a serious subject cannot but help to take your relationship to a deeper level. Unless she's just with you for sex (and that's uncommon for young women), she won't mind your honest need to pull back physically, while you get to know her better as a person.
 
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