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[__ Prayer __] helping dad tomorrow...

Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

Member
dad's going to pay me some $$$ to help him for several hours tomorrow. im happy ($$$! YES!), but also...nervous. im not strong. i may have had cancer (true story...kinda odd, but...just try to 'suspend your disbelief,' and know that God is good...), plus other -physical- health problems. i -was- once, not so long ago, easily fatigued, plus the obvious brain damage, and...

actually, now that i think about it...anywhere but the bible belt, id probably be in a state hospital. true story. anyway...

i need to do my work as unto the lord, not unto man. and...along the way...get out of my own mind, get into the groove of doing things for $$$, working alone and with others, under supervision, etc., and...

-ugh- i just get nervous. i do better on abilify than on 0 tranquilizer or even on any other 'atypical' tranquilizer, but -all- the tranquilizers kinda dampen concentration, motivation, etc. my dose is a tad bit lower (usually...i go up a bit when 'noia hits...), so I guess that gives me a lil more dopamine action (?), but...

im happy, but my dad can be a real task master and he's -paying- me, and...and...id like to do well, i really would. father+son time (at long last....did I mention that God is good?!?!), some much needed maturation, time out of my (rather nice, albeit simple) apartment, and...

thanks for praying. seriously. :)
 
ok. i actually called dad and briefly spoke to him about it. he sounds...very...surprisingly...paternal, lol. he can be harsh. not that i blame him. we had a lot of conflict when i was younger. i held onto anger because...you know shrinks..."he who pays the piper calls the tune..." he had the $$$, so it was -all- my fault. ugh. but...

The Lord spared me, saved me, forgave me, brought me out of darkness. now, I just gotta figure out how to master this whole -working- thing, don't I? its like...

some places have places for the 'severely mentally ill' to work, programs. not so much here. its...stay home or go to a low wage job (in a "right to work state," no less...). i dunno. its kinda darned if you do, darned if you dont...at least i have my "comfortable" parents behind me. could be far, far worse.

im off kilter today because i didn't sleep last nite. lack of sleep will eventually make anyone 'crazy...' start out where i did, its not a good thing, but with a tranq, not the worst thing, either. ugh.

if i want to stay in society...and i do, want to stay in society...i need to learn to play by certain rules and do things the right way. im not on drugs, im not promiscuous, im not even drinking, and yet...

"GROW UP!" but how? step by step...one foot in front of the other, etc. etc. etc. I'm hoping to make a way forward in life, cuz...this is kinda ridiculous....

i was labeled with everything imaginable...i mean, except for 'mental illness,' cuz the 'mentally ill' are supposed to get at least some compassion (?), at least from 'professionals.' whine whine whine...

now, im labeled with 'severe mental illness,' and i want to somehow...outgrow it? ill take the tranq until and unless i genuinely, truly do not need it, but...

the ssi, the paranoia, the low status, the need to grow, the stigma...id very much like to be 'normal'-ish, at some point, thanks. maybe tomorrow is one step forward in that direction, plus...a good way to spend some time w/ dad?

ssi is, of course, a blessing. its part of what's left of the shredded safety net in the US. im pretty sure i get it because my parents "have money." they're not rich, but...factor in prestige job w/ sufficient income to be upper middle class, and I get mah ssi. when i look at it that way...

im blessed. and its also a very depressing situation, lol. maybe i should just focus on the good things, like my blessings. ssi, good apartment, car, kind parents, -forgivness- from Christ, 0 traffic tickets in over 7 years (No, really), off probation (reduced charge) early...

God is good! Besides, I did mess up. big time. lost a state-sponsored scholarship at 17, too busy sleeping around and smoking reefer. :-( understandable, maybe...but ordinarily, un-forgivable. "better luck next time." and "why don't you move out into a trailer park?" etc. etc. etc.

so...yes, I went thru things, but I've been spared a lot, too. "God watches over fools and children." Which was I? I'm thinking...both. A foolish child. :)

ok. sorry to ramble, yet again. i have a good bit of growing up to do. im not trying to be tough and uber-manly man, but i do need to reign in the feelings and -do- what needs to be done. not 'suppressing' or whatever, just...growing up, a lil less softness. i need social interaction and guidance to make that happen, of course.

the other thing...im seriously thinking about exiting the clinic. its OK. i mean, -my- counselor is awesome. he's not even usually a counselor...he does administrative stuff and a couple counselees at a time. i think it makes a difference, i really do. but some of the other counselors...-rude-, and it seems pre-programmed, like when i was in the hospitals (especially the 1st one). ugh. "Nothing special" "personality disorder" "poor life choices" "what were they supposed to do?" etc. etc. etc. oh and..."im not impressed." well, hey, guess what? not everyone can -talk- and pretend to care for a living, m'kay?

i hope i really do look 25ish, like neighbor lady said. i feel about 25, lol. not -in my youth-, not ready to be 30...but i am 30...but i dont quite look 30, do i...

ugh. ill simmer. ima make some tortelini. aldi has some -awesome- low priced stuffed pastas....

:)
 
Hey CE I I think this will be a great chance for you to practice having a job out there in the real world but that doesn't mean you can't also have some fun working side by side with your dad. I've done a lot of work around my house with my Dad and the best part is when we break for lemonade or something refreshing. It's a chance to chat bond or whatever you want to call it even if we end up not talking about much.
And yes one day and one step at a time. I tell myself that everyday too!
 
growing up....ugh. its easier now, than when i was who i was...no real hope then, not really. did i mention cancer? LOL.

itll be OK. i just dont want friction. im not good at friction. i do want money tho. and family time. and...yeah.


thanks. :)
 
me, again. :)

the 'help' was painting, outside. it was ok, until the light rain got more intense, so he cut it short. its a miracle to me...how much my parents love and care for me, as who I am now and who I am becoming in Christ Jesus. my dad actually over-paid, a good bit. I think...I think he doesn't feel comfortable -giving- me money, but when I do stuff, he's more than generous. i was nervous that i wouldn't do well at the tasks, but with a little oversight and helpful hints (I haven't painted anything in...10 years, maybe?), I did an adequate job, no tension, no conflict, no nothin'...

the rain kept most of the neighbors inside. that and now that my dad and i have reconciled and they're more upper middle class, they tone it down...except when they don't. LOL. I dunno..."welcome to the real world." when I was poor and ugly, life was --miserable--. Now, I'm healthy, more aesthetically pleasing, and my "genteel"/upper middle class/"well-to-do" people are taking good care of me, and...

hey, guess what? nobody cared for me around here, anyway, and...'deal with it.' LOL. Seriously. I"m getting better at things, I really am.

So, dad was kind. He even overpaid. Mama got me my favorite Chek soft drink (cherry cola, y'all) and some much needed flavored creamer. I'm...forgiven, washed+made clean....and blessed, beyond measure.

Thanks, y'all. :)
 
yeah...honestly, I think since dad has more stuff for me to do...I'd like to get extra $$$ from him before getting one of those real jobs that everyone recommends (LOL). Seriously. I've been so out of the mainstream for a while, this is a -huge- blessing, at all levels. Maybe if I do enough with and for my dad, then I'll be up to snuff for a real job? I dunno...
 
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