littlechris1977
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Desire to be a vessel of honor unto the Lord Jesus Christ?
Join For His Glory for a discussion on how
https://christianforums.net/threads/a-vessel-of-honor.110278/
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Taking the time to pray? Christ is the answer in times of need
https://christianforums.net/threads/psalm-70-1-save-me-o-god-lord-help-me-now.108509/
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Depending upon the Holy Spirit for all you do?
Read through the following study by Tenchi for more on this topic
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How are famous preachers sometimes effected by sin?
Join Sola Scriptura for a discussion on the subject
https://christianforums.net/threads/anointed-preaching-teaching.109331/#post-1912042
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I
Ivy
Guest
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
Sexual sin isn't just an act, it's a spirit. If you never tell your wife it will linger in your relationship and cause long term damage. Unidentified and unconfessed, it will surface in a harmful way later, not just between you and your wife, but in a spirit of deception that can affect your child's life. Confession is painful short term, but necessary long term.
Sexual sin isn't just an act, it's a spirit. If you never tell your wife it will linger in your relationship and cause long term damage. Unidentified and unconfessed, it will surface in a harmful way later, not just between you and your wife, but in a spirit of deception that can affect your child's life. Confession is painful short term, but necessary long term.
littlechris1977
Member
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
Wouldn't telling her just hurt her and only serve to alleviate my guilt. I just want to know what the Bible says about asking for forgiveness. If I ask God for forgiveness, then repent from doing that again, is that good enough according to the Bible?
Wouldn't telling her just hurt her and only serve to alleviate my guilt. I just want to know what the Bible says about asking for forgiveness. If I ask God for forgiveness, then repent from doing that again, is that good enough according to the Bible?
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Ivy
Guest
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
Yes, it will hurt her. But she already knows, or will know, even if she can't put her finger on it. She needs to love you in truth; be given the choice to love everything about you, even the "you" of your failures. Trust me, down the line, if you don't tell her, you will know she doesn't know everything about you, and it will erode away at your trust; build up a wall in your relationship. Scriptural basis for telling her is, "Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed."
Yes, it will hurt her. But she already knows, or will know, even if she can't put her finger on it. She needs to love you in truth; be given the choice to love everything about you, even the "you" of your failures. Trust me, down the line, if you don't tell her, you will know she doesn't know everything about you, and it will erode away at your trust; build up a wall in your relationship. Scriptural basis for telling her is, "Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed."
Amielou
Member
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
" and he's like "alright, yeah good.." and i know he is only saying that and that he actually had a bad day... it's only when i press him he tells me and then is grateful for being able to share
he's getting better now at being honest about things with me. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, but i would deffinately suggest you tell her, and tell her you are terribly sorry and explain the lengths you have gone to to ensure it does not happen again, and allow her the time to do what she needs to do to get past it. do not expect her to just be oh okay, very well, i forgive you and then it's all okay, she will need time to heal and to move to being able to forgive you... but your being honest with her is the first major step. she is far more likely to be able to forgive you if you come to her honestly and meekly of your own accord and not let her find out later on (and believe me, she will)
:amen BIG amen to that... i would want to know if my husband had done that (and yes, i think it is adultery) and i would work hard to forgive him and to move on if he showed me that he had seriously cut all ties with said person (as you clearly have) i must admit Ivy is right, wives know when something is not right, she may not know what exactly, but she would know that you're keeping something from her... i know when my hubby is keeping something from me, even when he comes home from work and i'm like "how was your dayIvy said:
" and he's like "alright, yeah good.." and i know he is only saying that and that he actually had a bad day... it's only when i press him he tells me and then is grateful for being able to share
he's getting better now at being honest about things with me. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, but i would deffinately suggest you tell her, and tell her you are terribly sorry and explain the lengths you have gone to to ensure it does not happen again, and allow her the time to do what she needs to do to get past it. do not expect her to just be oh okay, very well, i forgive you and then it's all okay, she will need time to heal and to move to being able to forgive you... but your being honest with her is the first major step. she is far more likely to be able to forgive you if you come to her honestly and meekly of your own accord and not let her find out later on (and believe me, she will)
I
Ivy
Guest
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
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E
Entropic_Prodigy
Guest
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
Well, I'd definitely call it adultery.
Of course you should tell her -- you know that. As for trying to be chivalrous and "save" her from hurt just to alleviate your guilt, think about the hurt she'll feel if by some chance, she DOES find out or suspect that something is not right -- and you didn't tell her.
She's going to be hurt, for sure -- but somewhere in all the hurt and pain she MAY realize that you DID come forward and confess what happened. The purpose in telling her would be to try and preserve one of the most important and fundamental building blocks of any relationship -- TRUST. When you do something wrong, you need to admit it and move to repair the damages. In this case, you've damaged your relationship with your wife, and it's not going to be an easy fix. This may involve counselling and a visit to your pastor...and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't trust you for awhile even after you put a good amount of effort into getting your relationship the help it will inevitably need to get through this.
James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Well, I'd definitely call it adultery.
Of course you should tell her -- you know that. As for trying to be chivalrous and "save" her from hurt just to alleviate your guilt, think about the hurt she'll feel if by some chance, she DOES find out or suspect that something is not right -- and you didn't tell her.
She's going to be hurt, for sure -- but somewhere in all the hurt and pain she MAY realize that you DID come forward and confess what happened. The purpose in telling her would be to try and preserve one of the most important and fundamental building blocks of any relationship -- TRUST. When you do something wrong, you need to admit it and move to repair the damages. In this case, you've damaged your relationship with your wife, and it's not going to be an easy fix. This may involve counselling and a visit to your pastor...and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't trust you for awhile even after you put a good amount of effort into getting your relationship the help it will inevitably need to get through this.
James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
littlechris1977
Member
Re: Adultery or not? What to do if it is.
If I tell her should I give details or just say that it happened?
If I tell her should I give details or just say that it happened?
I
Ivy
Guest
Oh - the title changed, so I got confused. ;)
Well...I'd spare as many gory details as possible. It's the truth that will set you both free, not the nitty-gritty details of the offense. If you can get away with just telling her that you cheated on her, and then list all the ways you've cut the other woman off, you'll be lucky. If your wife insists on knowing more, there you go. You should start simple, contrite, and takes cues from your wife about what comes next.
Basically, on your end, not to mention your wife's, it is a rebuilding of trust for you, too. You hear about people going through mid-life crisis, finding someone they can really tell everything to; that person should be the spouse of your youth. Your history as a couple should be comprised of nothing you could tell a stranger that your wife doesn't know. This is true intimacy, by the way.
Well...I'd spare as many gory details as possible. It's the truth that will set you both free, not the nitty-gritty details of the offense. If you can get away with just telling her that you cheated on her, and then list all the ways you've cut the other woman off, you'll be lucky. If your wife insists on knowing more, there you go. You should start simple, contrite, and takes cues from your wife about what comes next.
Basically, on your end, not to mention your wife's, it is a rebuilding of trust for you, too. You hear about people going through mid-life crisis, finding someone they can really tell everything to; that person should be the spouse of your youth. Your history as a couple should be comprised of nothing you could tell a stranger that your wife doesn't know. This is true intimacy, by the way.
littlechris1977
Member
OK, so I told her last nite and I think we're going to be OK. She did ask some details of how the relationship was re-started and why I did it. I was just completely transparent about the whole thing, telling her everything. She did have to push a little to get it all out, but she believes I'm being totally honest with her, which I am. We met with our pastor and she spoke with some family members who have been on both ends of an affair. I think we're going to be OK, but I'd really appreciate any and all prayers possible. My name is Chris and my wife Sonya. Our child is Isabella. Thanks everyone for advice.
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Ivy
Guest
I've already been covering you with prayer. God bless you and your dear family, Chris! I pray that the Lord will come alongside you and reveal to you what true intimacy is, it is my view that this is often what is lacking. But no one can teach intimacy like the Holy Spirit; He can meet every desire of your heart. And God bless Sonya - in praying for you, I had a feeling she would take it better than you had feared. I know you were concerned for her, but you probably found her stronger than you thought. You've done the best thing not only for your own spiritual life, for your marriage and your Christian witness, but also for Isabella; you are working toward a legacy for her that will keep her from stumbling.
littlechris1977
Member
Thank you so much for the prayers and non-judgemental approach to my question. I am truly grateful that she has decided to stay. I wish there was a way for me to convince her that it will never happen again, she is worried because the ex and I had a thing when Sonya and I first began to date, then this and she said back then that she'd leave if it happened again and now she thinks that if she stays it gives me permission to do it again. I told her that it really isn't in her control, but that I'd never do it again. I guess that's the feeling she has that most hurts her and myself. The fact that she can't control whether or not it happens again. I just hope that she can gain my trust and faith back. She said she just feels dead, but that she loves me and wants to stay.
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Ivy
Guest
Chris, you are so welcome for the prayers. I will keep them up for your family.
Sonya is reacting normally, it is the stages of grief. We never know what we can handle or what we would do in a given situation until we are there. Sonya may have thought at one time that she couldn't take anymore, but since she is deciding to stay, she is receiving grace. But she still needs to heal. That will take time, and the least you can do (I'm sure you agree) is give her ALL the time she needs. You can do the most for her by being very, very patient, and remaining contrite even after you think you should be able to move on.
Actually, this situation happened some years back with a man I led to Christ. He had cheated on his wife before, but after he received his salvation, he cheated on her again. It was with an ex, and believe it or not, he felt he had a sort of "responsibility" to this other woman since he had been with her before. I talked to him about this in plain language and set him straight - he took it very well - and I sat and cried with his wife. I told her that his unfaithfulness was so much worse this time, and she agreed, since she had built such trust in him to this point. He, by the way, has never cheated on her again.
Truth is, we really can decide something in our will and win the battle. The confidence is not in ourselves - never - but in Who Christ is in us; how much ground He has gained in our heart, the seat of our affections.
Here is a devotional by Oswald Chambers that I think states it best:
Sonya is reacting normally, it is the stages of grief. We never know what we can handle or what we would do in a given situation until we are there. Sonya may have thought at one time that she couldn't take anymore, but since she is deciding to stay, she is receiving grace. But she still needs to heal. That will take time, and the least you can do (I'm sure you agree) is give her ALL the time she needs. You can do the most for her by being very, very patient, and remaining contrite even after you think you should be able to move on.
Actually, this situation happened some years back with a man I led to Christ. He had cheated on his wife before, but after he received his salvation, he cheated on her again. It was with an ex, and believe it or not, he felt he had a sort of "responsibility" to this other woman since he had been with her before. I talked to him about this in plain language and set him straight - he took it very well - and I sat and cried with his wife. I told her that his unfaithfulness was so much worse this time, and she agreed, since she had built such trust in him to this point. He, by the way, has never cheated on her again.
Truth is, we really can decide something in our will and win the battle. The confidence is not in ourselves - never - but in Who Christ is in us; how much ground He has gained in our heart, the seat of our affections.
Here is a devotional by Oswald Chambers that I think states it best: