What's new
By:
Filters
Christian Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Hitting and other things that adults are encouraged to do

By the way...something you said...

<<< Parents tend to forget to put themselves in their kids position. They fail to see the big picture and end up losing all communication. >>>

Well, kids tend to forget to put themselves in their parents position. They fail to see the big picture and end up losing all communication.


And....

<<< Have you ever thought of telling your child that something is right or wrong, rather than hitting them to prove your point?>>>

Have you ever thought that any parent with any kind of common sense would do that first? Have you ever thought that a kid may just completely ignore you and throw an absolute fit stomping and screaming?

My daughter threw a complete fit tonight and I tried ignoring her, I tried sitting and talking to her calmly, I tried to get her to laugh, I tried to divert her attention...but she had a complete meltdown and I finally spanked her (after warning her numerous times that this was going to happen) and put her in her room telling her to think about how she just acted and WHY she got a spanking. She came out about 20 minutes later and calmly said "Mommy, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I wasn't being nice". I hugged her and told her that it breaks my heart when I spank her, but that it's the only way I could get through to her. I told her that I love her and that I hope next time she takes my warnings more seriously.


So, see....it's doesn't always traumatize them like it did you for some reason.
 
Nikki: I'm sorry for offending you. By what you write, it seems that your girls truly do love you. I can't say that they will still react the same to your methods of discipline in a couple of years, but for now they seem to love you even though you hit them. I guess I will never be able to understand how people can hit their children or how any child can actually take being hit and still love their parents and be able to talk to them. I'm not that way. I like to use words and I realize when i mess up. The thing is, I do just want to be hugged sometimes, and I can't. I can't be hugged by them because it's too weird. I don't let them touch me. I like it when other adults open up their arms to me. It makes me cry, but it feels good to be loved. I will never have a personal relationship with them. By what you wrote, I think that will definitely be different with your girls when they are older. I have bad communication skills to begin with, but I never could come to them for anything. I'm very independent and always have been. When I read your replies and others' replies, I got all fired up, but if you really do see your girls being able to love you in 10 years, fine. Maybe all kids don't react as strongly to hitting as I do. Please forgive me for accusing you of being a bad parent, or anything else that I may have caused you to think. I feel very strongly about the topic of parenting because my parents, especially my dad, have messed things up so badly with me by simply not taking the time to understand me and get to know me and my personality. It's also hard because my parents aren't Christians as far as I know. This just seems to be a "storm" that will never end. It's pretty hard at times.
 
I know you didn't make me feel that way, but that's how it made me feel. Like you were saying that I am a bad parent.

Communication is the key. I don't think the methods of discipline have anything to do with it (Unless a parent was truly abusing their child). I think you should sit down with your parents and talk to them. Tell them that you feel that you can't come to them. Hopefully they'll sit and take your words to heart. If my kids weren't coming to me or talking to me, I'd sit them down and ask them WHY they feel that they can't. I'm sorry that your parents aren't doing that. :sad That makes me sad. I'm bringing my kids up the same way that I was brought up and hopefully things will turn out the same as they did for me. I've always had a good relationship with my parents.

And what works for one family, may not work for another.

You need to try to open the lines of communication in your family though. If things don't work out, then at least you'll know that you tried.
 
What I realized today was that in a lot of cases my dad doesn't realize that there is a problem. For some reason he thinks he is a good parent. Even though he knows nothing about me. He just drives me places and complains about it most of the time. Especailly driving me to church. I got the "Don't you think you go to church too much," speech again. The "there's more important things in life, why don't you just live there," speech. I realized that I need to be the one to continue to try to make changes even if I get nothing back in return. Eventually maybe something will come out of it. It's just so very hard for me to do because of the past and present that I live with. It's a constant battle and it's a big stumbling block.
 
God's Child said:
What I realized today was that in a lot of cases my dad doesn't realize that there is a problem. For some reason he thinks he is a good parent. Even though he knows nothing about me. He just drives me places and complains about it most of the time. Especailly driving me to church. I got the "Don't you think you go to church too much," speech again. The "there's more important things in life, why don't you just live there," speech. I realized that I need to be the one to continue to try to make changes even if I get nothing back in return. Eventually maybe something will come out of it. It's just so very hard for me to do because of the past and present that I live with. It's a constant battle and it's a big stumbling block.
Click to expand...

That makes me sad. :sad

A family must have good communication in order for everyone to be happy. And since your dad isn't Christian, he doesn't understand the importance of church to you.

The only advice I can give you is to just do your part. I've talked to so many people that weren't close to their parent/parents. The ones that did their part to TRY and make things work, feel good about their attempt. The ones that never did anything or who didn't speak to their parents unless they had to are the ones that are still dealing with the issues and upset over it.

I wish you luck and will pray for you and your parents. I really did have a wonderful childhood and wonderful parents (I still do) and it makes me sad when others can't say the same.
 
Thanks Nikki. You seem like such a nice person.

For years I had this bad habit that I would use as an escape from it all. I don't want to try to explain what it is because no one would be able to understand it and what I created it to be. It was my escape from reality for a long time. Through God I was able to give it up for as many as 5 weeks at a time, but I never was successful in breaking the habit of doing this thing. Finally when I started thinking about God's purpose for my life and truly became devoted to letting God take over my life, I was able to completely give it to Him. God has taken this out of my life for the last 7 weeks and even though I get tempted sometimes, my desire to go back to this thing is so much less. God truly took it away from me. I don't have it as an escape anymore, but that means that I can rely more on God for comfort and an escape. I hope that now I will be able to do a better job on my part in loving my dad the way that I should. It's hard, but I need to love like Jesus loved. I need to love the people that don't love me. I need to love no matter what the circumstances are.
 
God IS amazing :angel:

I used to be a "cutter". It helped me escape from it all and I also used that as a punishment to myself when I hurt others. Eventually God saved me from that destructive cycle.

Now, I look back and wonder WHY I ever did such a thing.

You are in my prayers.
 
Self mutilation isn't my bad habit, but I do do it sometimes. I'm working on breaking that too. I have been for a long time. I have cut myself intentionally one time and still have a scar from that incident, but I'm not a cutter. I don't know why I would hurt myself. I guess it's because when I'm mad I can't make someone else feel pain, so I make myself feel it. When I'm mad it feels good. But usually when I get in a fight with my dad I just have to be alone for an hour or so with loud heavy music. I feel like punching things, and since I can't hit him like he has no problem doing to me, I hit things to feel pain. Walls, floors, anything. No one should go near me after my dad and I get in a fight. It's gotten to the point where I have a serious anger problem with him. I get so mad and can't control it. That's why I have to be alone. I just want it all to end. I remove myself from the situation and get away from everybody for a few hours. This doesn't happen with anyone else. I don't really get mad at anyone else. I'm very easy to get along with and you can pretty much punch me in the face and I will still tell you that I love you. But with him it's different. I can' take it.

The last time this happened was about 7 weeks ago. I can't remember what the argument was about at all now. I just remember getting extremely mad and going down to my basement where my computer is and closing the door behind me so I was alone. I put hard rock and heavy metal Christian music on that had lots of screaming. It let out the way I was feeling, without me screaming. After I was feeling a little better I went outside to play basketball. That just got me more annoyed, because I wasn't concentrating so I kept missing shots, so I went for a walk outside and after about 20 minutes I was in tears. I gave it to God to get me through this storm. I just layed out in the cold, wet grass for a while and finally came inside about 3 hours after the fight. I don't like it when these things happen. I don't like it that I have an anger problem that I have a hard time controlling. That's why it is so hard for me to make things better between us. We have grown so far apart. I need to fix things before it's too late. It just bugs me that he can't see that there's a problem. 27 months ago when he had quintiple bypass surgery on his heart is when i gave my life over to God. That summer I made a great effort to fix things. I loved him and was able to look past everything, but he couldn't. It was much easier then to love. Now more has come between us.
 
I can relate to so much of that! So, know that you're not alone. I was you at one time in my life.

You REALLY need to sit and talk to your dad. WITHOUT getting angry. Tell him that you don't feel as close to him as you once did and that you need to have a good father/daughter relationship with him. At least you'll know you gave it a try. Running from your problems is never a good solution. That is what made my marriage almost fail. I ran from my problems. Eventually my husband got fed up and kicked me out. But, that was a long time ago and now that I face my problems in other ways besides cutting, breaking stuff, screaming and leaving....our marriage is great.

As for your dad and his surgery, don't know if you remember, but my dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer almost a year ago. When he was diagnosed with it, he opened up his bible and became close to God again. He also because very close to me again. My dad has always been kind of "grumpy". He was SO nice and full of love when he got his diagnosis.

When he had his surgery, I was with him every day at the hospital. I brought a video one day and we watched it together and little things like that mean so much.

Well, now that his cancer is completely gone, he's back to hs grumpy self! :lol:

You say that your dad got close to God when he had his surgery....how do you know he's still not forming a relationship with God in his own way? Some people won't show their faith.

And if you are harming yourself, you need to get help. Go talk to a psychologist. There is NOTHING wrong with talking to a specialist. That was my first road to recovery. I say a Psychologist because they can't prescribe drugs. I don't like when doctors say "here, take a pill".
 
When did I say that he got close to God when he had his surgery? I said that that is when I got saved, not him. The situation affected me in a large way and made me realize a lot of things. I realized that I truly loved him, and that I might lose him. He never changed at all in that time. He still remained to pretty much be a jerk. He has never even made an attempt to get in better shape and take care of himself. He didn't care and still doesn't. He doesn't eat right, and he also has diabetes. He never exercises. I don't really know if he is a Christian. By his actions I can assume that he's not, but I shouldn't assume. When I asked him before, he would talk about how he went to Sunday school when he was a kid. and he would say that he believes in God. But I don't see how that answers the question. Since I can't talk to him, I gave him papers from my old youth pastor about what it means to bew saved and having assurance of salvation. He didn't read them. If he has a relationship with Christ, why would he be such a jerk and why would he hide it?

I don't need to see a psychologist. I just have a lot of stress in my life and I don't deal with stress and nervousness very well. That scares me, because that is a major part of my dad's problem, and I don't want to be like him. He's always extremely tense and paranoid about everything.
 
Sorry...I thought you said that he turned his life over to God. My kids were running around fighting with each other when I read your post and I didn't read it right. I'm gonna start waiting until after they go to bed before I reply!

I don't need to see a psychologist. I just have a lot of stress in my life and I don't deal with stress and nervousness very well. That scares me, because that is a major part of my dad's problem, and I don't want to be like him.
Click to expand...

What do you think that Psychologists do? They can help with stress and nervousness. God gave these doctors the ability to have the knowledge to help others, IMO. Why do people get so defensive when someone mentions talking to a professional? There are MANY preachers that have degrees in Psychology. Would you feel ok talking to your preacher? That would be the same as talking to a psychologist.

I'm just trying to help you out. It doesn't sound like you're able to deal with things on your own. If you were, you wouldn't still be so mad and upset. And don't say that you're not. I can tell in your posts that you are hurt, mad, sad, etc. Of course you have God. But it never hurts to have another person help God out by helping you. The doctor that helped me was also a Christian, so that helped too.
 
I won't talk to a doctor. I can't just talk to random strangers that don't know me. And I can't talk to adults about personal things anyways. Well obviously I'm talking to you, but it's different because i'm just writing.
 
God's Child said:
I won't talk to a doctor. I can't just talk to random strangers that don't know me. And I can't talk to adults about personal things anyways. Well obviously I'm talking to you, but it's different because i'm just writing.
Click to expand...

You're being stubborn now. Why?

What about keeping a journal. You can keep on online one if you're afraid of someone finding a paper one. We've been keeping journals in English and I've found it to be very therapeutic. There are a lot of sites that offer free online journals. You can make most private or public.

http://www.my-diary.org/

http://journals.studentcenter.org/

http://www.diaryland.com/
 
God's Child said:
Thanks for the sites Nikki. And yes, I am a very stubborn person. lol.
Click to expand...

So is my husband and my 5 year old. They both drive me insane. I've slowly gotten used to it, but there are days I'd love to clobber both of them over their heads to get their stubborness out!
 
Ooohhh...we're all procrastinators! 've become a bad one lately with my school work. I was up for 2 hours taking a test last night, which I had put off for 4 days. And now I'm kicking myself because that was one class that I was over a week ahead in.

My laundry basket is overflowing. I was gonna do it yesterday. Then this morning, then this evening, but it can wait until tomorrow. We've still got clean clothes, so..... :lol:

Well, gotta get to bed. Talk to you tomorrow!
 
Nikki: Can you please pray for my family. I'm not the only person that is having major issues with my dad. My mom's relationship with him is much worse than mine. He was in such a bad mood when he got home from my soccer game. He got mad and ran out. He was so tense over the littlest things and he and my mom were fighting yesterday over stuff. My mom was late for her painting class and when she came in and heard about him getting all mad and leaving she got really mad and left almost in tears. She swore, which I've only ever heard her do twice(because of him). She is basically ready for a divorce right about now. She won't, but that's what she would like. When he got back he was in a worse mood and was yelling at me and my brother. I tried talking to him about how he was making my mom feel and that he needs to calm down and stop being so tense. He doesn't understand talking, so I ended up yelling just like he was. I tried to make him realize how he's making everyone else feel.
Things just never seem to get any better. Please pray that some changes can be made. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of him. I'm sick of being around this all the time. He's so fake. I described this relationship in my journal that I talk to my soccer coach with. But I didn't mention specifically who I was describing. If I told her who I was talking about she would never believe me, because she knows him and that is not the person that she knows him to be. She doesn't see any of that. She's going to give us our journals back tomorrow with responses. Maybe she will be able to help me out with this.
 
I am not Nikki but I will certainly pray for you and your family. God bless.
 
If I told her who I was talking about she would never believe me, because she knows him and that is not the person that she knows him to be. She doesn't see any of that.
Click to expand...

I know how that is. When I was having problems with Courtney and trying to get advice from her preschool teachers about her behavior, they pretty much called me a liar. Courtney is the PERFECT student. Doesn't talk, doesn't misbehave, doesn't yell. She's literally perfect in school. At the time though, once she got home, she was like the devils spawn! I'm not exagerrating either. She was HORRIBLE and MEAN.

FINALLY, one day, she blew up in the car on the way to school. I was having to chase her around the parking lot and she was screaming like she had gone completely insane. The teachers saw it all and I was SO glad. They saw it 2 other times also and eventually understood that something WAS going on. Thankfully I figured out the problem (which was the fact that she was bored...can you believe that?!).

So, I know how it is when someone gets the impression that a loved one is flawless when in reality they are far from that.

You have BEEN in my prayers and will continue to be.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top