How to agree/decide on a church together

[BlessedWife]

My husband and I just got married this year and I couldn't be happier, I love him so much. My question is about how to agree/decide on a church together. We both grew up in the same kind of "non-denomonational" church (although in 2 different states at the time). He went off to the military at seventeen and has gone to other churches since. I stopped going to that church at about the same age and at 19 fell in love with a different "non-denominational" church which I've attended about 8 years now. Neither of us agree with the doctrine of the church we grew up in, and yet now that we are married and in his home town we are attending it. I really long to return to the one I've been going to for years now but he is very comfortable with this one we're at.
Sorry about any confusion, I'm trying not to say the names of either church because I am hoping for a non-biast answer. My question is: how does a new couple come to agree/ decide on a church together. I am longing for fellowship and like-mindedness but I know that he is content there and I don't just want my way, I want him to be happy and most of all I want what God wants. I'm new to this area and used to be really involved in my church, I have no desire to become involved in a church I feel so out of place in but maybe that is an issue within my heart that needs to be resolved. I pray through every Sunday that God would change my heart and help me to see the best in my new pastor and church but it is so hard, I've had no victory yet.

 

[Timf]

I have no desire to become involved in a church

You might want to consider becoming involved with other Christians and/or with Jesus. Many times church involvement becomes a barrier to the object of Christianity (growing into the likeness of Christ). Programs, events, classes, activities, and schedules often seem to grow to displace Christ in our lives.

You may want to find an older wiser woman who clearly shows the light and love of Jesus in her life and ask her to show you how to know Jesus like she does.

You can minister to elderly women or others without having your activities directed or controlled by a church program. If your husband sees no reason to go to another church, you may find all sorts of opportunities to learn from and minister to other Christians outside of the church framework.

The key to the Christian life is not church, it is Christ. If you keep Jesus as the center of your life and continually see to be like Him, the two of you should grow closer. If you each seek to do what you want or what makes you feel more comfortable, you may find yourselves pulling in opposite directions.

 

[BlessedWife]

Thank you Tim,
I have several good friends that feel the same way as you and I really enjoy their fellowship as well. They have preached to me numerous times about their views and I respectfully listen. I know some people who are extremely bitter with church and it's attendees, which is really sad since we are all supposed to be of the same body, the body of Christ. I really enjoy church and don't want to miss out on the sweet gathering of the brethren. It happens to be in a building which is hard for some people and I realize that there may come a day when we have to secretly gather in different places but that time has not yet come. I understand what you mean by programs, many churches have missed the point but when I think of "programs" I think of a prayer meeting where others come together in one accord and cry out for the nations, I think of Bible studies where we can feed on the pure Word of God, I think of worship where we can play on instruments as David did and sing our hearts out to the Almighty as the angels do even now, and I think of the sweet fellowship of the saints as we carry eachother's burden and weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh.
I appreciate your comment but this was not intended to be a post about whether or not you can truly have a relationship with God and drive to church on Sunday morning at the same time. My relationship with Jesus begins and ends in my home behind closed doors, but I am very blessed to have the encouragement of the body of Christ- whether they be church goers or not.
My question has to do with which one is right for both my husband and I in this new season of our lives. I'm not interested in trying to prove who's right or wrong, I have had many looooooong conversations about "church" and through much prayer and consideration I am firm in my convictions and will continue to seek the Holy Spirit concerning all issues. I encourage you to do the same. I won't respond anymore on that issue so please do not waste your efforts. Thank you.
Take care and may He bless you and keep you and may His face shine upon you

 

[sheshisown]

Hello Timf~

I am interested in your comments here regarding church activity displacing Christ. Over the last two years I have gone back to college to get a degree. This busier private life along with earning a living and being a grandmother of nine, mother of two grown daughters, and mom-in-law to two precious men in Christ (many of these roles are still new for me) has almost over-shadowed my church activities.

As I compare my previous church activities with today's, I feel "limp" as a Christian, ...I have suffered under some pressure from my oldest daughter-and Pastoral sermons- to return to my former roles, multiple. :

Truthfully, I do not seek to withdraw at all from church, I need fellowship as I am an unmarried empty-nester, though I am learning great contentment in this too. It is quite evident that my over-done ministry activities previously, caused financial and personal imbalances that I believe the Lord desires to change.

Most importantly, I have been finding my personal study of scripture and life in Christ growing greater every day, because my foremost life in Him is dependent on my one on one communion with Him, (the fellowship kind, not only the bread and cup kind). Sadly, I continue to suffer from guilt and even anxiety after certain sermons extolling church servanthood. :nod

The funny thing is, I am more genuine a witness of the Lord than ever before, with no constant "churchianity" to back me up. Now I am required to deal with carnal views and human beings singularly ... by prayer and in patience and true boldness; and I must say, having to be infinitely more dependent upon the Spirit for every work. This way is not easier by far :rolling .

Timf~ you said;
You might want to consider becoming involved with other Christians and/or with Jesus. Many times church involvement becomes a barrier to the object of Christianity (growing into the likeness of Christ). Programs, events, classes, activities, and schedules often seem to grow to displace Christ in our lives.

Your words seem right, but my life in Christ requires that I see it in His word, detailed for me there, to lean on. Do you happen to have scripture to back-up your position? I could so quote you scripture in reverse, as it has been liberally quoted to me.

That's it my pennies worth. :2cents thanks, bonnie

 

[Timf]

Bonnie,

My comments were directed to a person who had expressed a lack of interest in a specific church. I understood a possible alternative question would be "How to drive a car with two pairs of hands on the steering wheel?" For young couples this question is often dealt with in pain and frustration. I was suggesting an alternative to confrontation in working within the given situation. My assumption was that the objective was growing in Christ. My advice proved inadequate to answer the question of how two people with different consumer preferences can agree on which one church will make them feel most comfortable.

Your questions go beyond just what can be done to find fellowship and even instruction in a church that seems a "poor fit".

My comments were that many people encounter churches that are long on programs and short on Christ. This often explains the disappointment and even frustration that some people can have. The way to work around the limitations of organizational systems is to make relational connections with other Christians within the system or outside of the system. Organizational systems are not the church (ecclesia), Christians are the church.

The church today is like a lecture hall because seminaries consist of classrooms. Ephesians four describes Christians growing into the image of Christ and doing the work of the ministry. Organizational systems prefer one person (the pastor) giving a lecture and not a bunch of "loose cannons" running around "out of control".

The tendency of humans to collectivize and proceduralize is seen at the start in the book of Galatians and at the end in the various descriptions of the Pharisees.

Because our society has been so collectivized through public education and corporate employment, most of us only know how to relate to systems and people by showing up somewhere and waiting to be told what to do. This fits in well with most organizational church systems. However, the Christianity described in the New Testament gives a different picture.

If we can't find a church that has older wiser Christians (elders or overseers) who are able to help us grow into the image of Christ, we need to find someone who will. (Titus 2:3-4)

My contention is not that everyone must leave organized churches. I suggest that most churches are hindered by organizational systems that divert people into activity often as a substitute for growing into the image of Christ (Mat. 15:19). For those who seek Christ, consideration should be given to taking the initiative to seek instruction and opportunities for ministry. This does not "have" to be done outside a church.

My only exhortation is to hunger and thirst after righteousness, to cry out for wisdom, and to seek the Lord while He may be found. Christians so stirred may find difficulty finding satisfaction within the constraints of the "package" of events, activities, and programs of typical church systems. Those Christians who seek more may have to consider taking the initiative in seeking out others, cultivating relationships, and "being" the church rather than "going" to church.

I continue to suffer from guilt and even anxiety after certain sermons extolling church servanthood.

If your church is helping you (and the others in your church) grow in the image of Christ there would be no problem. If you have to work around the edges of your church or even dabble outside the church in order to grow in the image of Christ, then your church is the one that should feel guilt and anxiety.

Many churches approach evangelism with the intensity of a PBS membership drive and "stewardship" (financial and time) to the church with the passion of a poor school selling band candy. This can all be seen as being "in the flesh" and in 1 Corinthians one Paul says that it makes the cross of Christ of "none effect". The "flesh" was poisoning the church in Galatia and led to the sad condition of the Pharisees. Jesus warned His disciples against this "leaven".

It sounds like you are growing in the Lord. It sounds like you already have a mission field (family and brothers and sisters in the Lord). I would be leary of those who would apply pressure on you to conform to their expectations of you at the expense of your ministry or your growth in Christ-likeness. Like the Galatians, we can be vulnerable to those who would have us be so-called "better Christians".

It sounds like you have a healthy sensitivity to the leading of the Holy Spirit. It sounds like you are on the right path.

 

[sheshisown]

Timf~

Thank you for the exhortation to--- find older wiser Christians (elders or overseers) who are able to and willing to help me grow into the image of Christ. (Titus 2:3-4) This is my lack at my church.

Our fellowship required a new Pastor as the previous man fell into sin, and though he repented, he stepped down for the sake of upholding a higher standard in pastorship; For which, among many other blessings, I am so grateful, he was a wonderful minister in Christ, truly the Lord recieves the glory. :biglol

Our new Pastorship now, is more business-like, the childrens ministry ( in which I was so involved) has changed. They no longer teach thru the bible in two years, and begin again at an increased level as the child matures. Rather the lesson plans are geared around activities, mostly toward bible application. I struggle with this because the concepts and truths of the Word (meaning Christ Himself) are not as stressed as the individuals experience of Him. Obediance to regulations (good biblical ones mind you) is priority.

To me~ knowing Him, His word, and being made able to grow thereby in the grace He grants is foremost... then HE specifically applies His working word to each individual life. This is the way Jesus teaches me, and the way He desires I lead His lambs to Him. I have served only as a fill-in since these changes occured, I grieve and pray over the children, however, to seek to correct this is not in-the-Lord. Because it would not be accepted but only bring harm to a growing, evangelising church.

Pray with me for them? My nine grand-babies attend there and are not getting any meat. I believe age makes no difference to Christ, His ways may be grasped by the yougest or oldest of us. :yes

You have much wisdom~ and I seek to glean more from this gift of God granted to you in the grace of Jesus. Although it is entirely possible that you fellowship in a church overseas or elsewhere, I desire to hear about your own fellowship~ Timf. Of its inner and outer workings. Would you be willing to share this information? Location does not matter at all, only your spiritual, and of course where it applies, fleshly experiences, and the understanding you grow in there.

I ask this in hopes that you have been initiated by our Lord into some of the deeper things in Christ. There is always power to move another sister or brother by our testimony~ especially when it is humble enuf to practically open up, and reveal things unseen. :shades

God knows who may have walked my path before me, and may be wisened by the Spirit to guide my steps in our Loving Lord.

bonnie

 

[BlessedWife]

Hi Tim,

Thank you for your first response. I think I read it wrong because the first line said "I have no desire to become involved in a church" which I think made me defensive off the bat. Now I realize you were quoting part of a sentance I wrote so I'm sorry about that and for my attitude anyway. I've seen a lot of not fun stuff go on between my Christian friends regarding church politics and because I've decided it would be benifitial for my own walk to continue attending church on Sundays I've received a lot of flak.
Anyways, you are right that if we are both trying to drive with our hands on the wheel it would be difficult and so I let go of the issues and began to pray for God's heart regarding people at our church, not just the lost. It is easier to receive when I go to church and I'm not analizing the sermon and picking it apart along with the things that annoy me about the pastor or people in the congregation or how showy the worship seems to be. I leave my critical heart in the parking lot and pray for my brothers and sisters each week. I had to ask myself, do I beleive that these people truly love Jesus? The answer is yes. It is not up to me to decide the wheat and the tares and so I try to beleive the best in people and with that attitude I am able to enjoy others more instead of constantly being on the look out. I have repented of the pride in my heart and pray that my husband and I will have the diligence to seek God every day and that He will meet us in our personal lives.
It has been incredibly lonley since I moved here to be married and since I don't work I thought church would have been the place to make new friends but with my attitude who would have wanted to be my friend?? Seeing people in a less critical light has allowed me to slowly make a few new friends and I have also been able to make a few outside of church. One who is an older women in the Lord which I'm excited about and the other is a single Mom who is currently not a beleiver. She just had her baby and mine is due very soon so we have a little common ground which is great. Once again I remember that we cannot have props and crutches in our walk that would cause us to lean on Him even just a little less. He is in the business of stripping us over and over till we finally get it (which might not be till heaven). I beleive every beleiver should have the support of others, so long as others don't replace God. I look forward to drawing strength from the Lord Himself more today than yesterday.
Anyways, thank you for your advice and again I apologize if I came across as defensive. Take care and Bonnie- I pray God opens doors for you at school and the boldness to preach truth even if it means standing up to Professors (in a humble way of coarse I miss going to school for that very reason- many opportunities to evangelize. I have a close friend who is an unbeleiver that I met in school and if that's the only reason I went- to someday see her saved- it was worth it. Have fun!!

 

[sheshisown]

Hello Blessedwife~ :waving

The name you chose for the forums here is really lovely, cause it reminds me of the Bride of Christ. You have the foundation required to make a good wife, I think, thanks be to God! I am not married so I do not tend to talk from understanding regarding marital issues. However, you will either grow in the likeness of the women in your fellowship, or in the likeness of Christ. It all depends on who you chose to hang with~ :yes

I believe it is also important to have human mentors So seek out a mature older woman in Christ to guide your way. Remember how Ruth hung with the women who were servants to Boaz, the man she would marry? Well~ we are His bride~ and must keep our furry sheep sides near others whose hearts are warmed by His lovely presence.

Thank you for your prayers... I always need prayer. It is such a support to hear your encouraging words regarding the ministry the Lord has for us in areas so dominated by man's wisdom. Like the majority of colleges across the U.S. I have spoken out for the truth, at times when the Lord has moved me to and when I moved me to; sometimes incurring the anger of my Professors. :bigfrown

:rolling I have learned to respectfully disagree, and to follow all the course directives each professor gives. This has taken quite a work of breaking in me, by the Lord's grace, I can be stubborn and so stupid at times. So often, religious lies are promoted in the stead of instruction. The enemy has been very diligent in indoctrinating those in higher education.

The surprise for me now~ is honoring the position of authority granted to even these terribly decieved men and women, has granted me a voice to the students. You are SO right, humility is the key, with a genuine current testimony. Young adults can see right thru a pose, they scoff at wannabee older adults seeking to be COOL. Thankfully, I have always been a nerd, and my age is not only a protection for me, but it seems to provide an amplifier for my views in their hearing. :shades

In Jesus love~ bonnie

I will ask again for the salvation of your college friend, may the Deliverer rescue her quickly from the kingdom of darkness.

Will you pray for Amber, she's a young mother who is backslidden I think. She recently shaved her hair completely off in frustration and anger, and her life is so miserable. Please ask for the completed work of Lordship in her heart. I have just begun to invite her to church, so far no go. However, God knows the work He is doing between us. Please also ask that I will hide myself in Christ, die to every selfish desire or fear, and let His beautiful life shine thru me. :heart

 

[Timf]

Blessedwife

Good the hear from you again. Being critical can be an occasional advantage. I once attended a church where people would break up into pairs for prayer. These were usually perfunctory and quickly dispensed with so that everyone could get on with socializing. One time I was praying with a man from Guatemala and I was struck by his sincerity, and open devotion to the Lord. I had to apply my own critical nature to myself, and I came up short and ashamed.

In James four we find out that humility is a sort of valve that allows God's grace to flow more freely into our lives. I have found that God's promise to give wisdom to all who ask is true. However, like Solomon, wisdom without a corresponding prehension of God's grace and love can leave one almost cynical and depressed (consider Ecclesiastes).

Your observation about how God works on us reminds me of a comment I once heard in reference to Romans eight (all things happen for good to those who are in Christ Jesus). A person was using this verse to illustrate how Christians can expect a prosperous and bountiful life. My contention was that given consideration of the next verse (to be conformed to the image of Christ) that the following illustration could be considered.

God could be seen as a blacksmith. He might hold us in His tongs and observe that we are not reflecting the image of Christ. He might then plunge us into the fire and when the fire has made us sufficiently malleable, He might shape us on His anvil with His hammer. After this, He might once again observe that we are not yet shaped into the image of Christ and repeat the cycle.

My purpose in this illustration was to show that all things happen for good, not necessarily for pleasure, fun, or comfort. For myself, as I began to understand this process, I became much more enthusiastic in participation so that my time in the fire would not have to be so great.

It sounds like you are seeing opportunities for relational contact with others and I pray that these would bear fruit and give you both the opportunity to minister to others as well as benefit from the ministry of others.

Bonnie,

Thank you for your kind words. I sympathize with the difficulty you have in seeing children (especially your own grandchildren) in an environment that appears to be getting them less connected with Jesus. Satan sets the course of this world (insofar as God allows him). Like fish in a stream, we need to take shelter in the solid rock of Jesus to resist the current that would carry us away.

I knew an older couple that made it their own ministry to target the "fringe" people in their church to invite for dinner, call, and seek out. Often these were some of the youth. You might find that the Lord has someone for whom you are the lifeline they need.

I didn't get married until later in life and I am very happy for how things turned out. We chose to home school and we have seen the huge difference raising children in a home where Jesus is the center of life. We don't have much extra money, but the Lord has consistently provided for our needs. There is a movie where George Burns is looking at a photo album and reflecting over a long life when he tells a friend, "I had enough of everything in life except money, and the guys that went after that paid too high a price". I always felt there was a lot of sad truth in that.

I understand some of your observations about college. The Bible says that knowledge "puffs up". It is sad to see knowledge without wisdom. Even worse, the judgment spoken of in Romans one (the reprobate mind) that comes on those who intentionally reject even the knowledge of God, seems quite pervasive on college campuses.

It may be that even in such an unlikely environment the Lord may lead someone searching for truth across your path.