What comes to mind when you hear the words, “Forgive your spouse?” The big stuff, right? Affairs. Anger. Betrayal. That’s certainly true. But what about the day-to-day issues? All those little things that add up and — if not dealt with — create tension and frustration between you and your spouse.
Forgiveness is never easy. It means letting go of an offense. Of giving grace instead of nursing a grudge. How do you do that? How do you forgive your spouse?
Karen folded the last T-shirt and placed it atop the stack of laundry headed for the boys’ bedroom. She sighed as she fussed over the pile. “How much clothing can two little boys go through in a week,” she muttered to no one in particular.
Someone answered her question. Someone with a stern voice. “Maybe they wouldn’t go through so much if someone didn’t keep buying them clothes with money we don’t have.” The voice belonged to Karen’s husband, Joe.
Karen looked up, surprised. “I didn’t see you standing there,” she said.
“Well, I didn’t see this until I grabbed the mail.” He held up a credit card bill and read the charges aloud. “Three hundred dollars for kids’ clothes. Two hundred for a pair of boots. A couple of meals … and five — no, six — Amazon orders.” He glared at his wife. “C’mon, Karen, we talked about this. We just paid off the last card and here you go again.” Joe struggled to keep his voice from rising.
“I can explain,” Karen wanted to say more but Joe stopped her.
“Explain what?” he snapped. “Explain how you promised me you wouldn’t use the card unless we talked about it first? You promised the credit counselor and me that you were done. That you’d learned your lesson. You lied. Here’s a thousand dollars in charges to prove it. I trusted you. And you lied.”
Karen’s eyes filled with tears. Joe had never sounded so harsh. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I messed up.”
“No,” Joe said, “You lied. You broke your promise. I thought you’d really changed. And if you’re lying about this, then what else are you lying about?” He started at Karen for a moment and then turned to walk away. “I’m done with this,” he called over his shoulder.
Karen listened to his footsteps as he walked down the stairs and then opened the door to his home office. A moment later, she heard him turn on the TV. Once she was sure she was alone, she looked down and cried.
Have you ever been in Joe’s shoes and felt betrayed by your spouse? Marriages are unraveling all around us every day in situations just like Joe’s and Karen’s. It’s in moments like these it’s important to know how to forgive your spouse.
Before learning how to forgive your spouse, it’s important to know what it truly means to forgive. Like other aspects of the Christian walk, just about the time we think we have things figured out, life happens and then God teaches us something new. So, here’s a fundamental truth about forgiveness: it’s a daily challenge. But as He does with so many other challenges we face, God gives us renewed grace to face each one.
Forgiveness, however, seems a special challenge. It takes something extra. That’s because forgiving your spouse means canceling a debt your spouse created by committing an offense against you. Forgiveness starts with acknowledging that an offense was committed … and then choosing to cancel — or absolve — the debt. Psalm 103:12 explains it like this: “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he (God) removed our transgressions.”
Sound good? God not only cancels our sin debt but totally removes it. That’s comforting! We’re free! The challenge, then, becomes doing the same for our spouse. That’s not so easy. Maybe it seems even more difficult because we’ve confused forgiveness with three “Christian myths” or wrong ideas about forgiveness. Do any of these wrong ideas keep you from forgiving your spouse?
It may be gracious to excuse a spouse’s behavior when he or she has done something hurtful, but that’s not the same thing as forgiveness. Forgiving your spouse doesn’t mean saying, “It’s OK, no harm done.” The language of forgiveness involves saying, “I know I was harmed but I choose not to hold this offense against us.” To fully forgive, you must fully acknowledge the offense along with the hurt and pain that came with it. Not acknowledging the offense may limit the full reach of forgiveness.
God forgives and forgets, right? Jeremiah 31:34 speaks of a time when God will no longer remember His people’s sins. But like Wrong Idea #1, there’s a significant problem with the idea of “forgetting.” When you and I talk about forgetting, we attribute it to weakness. “I’m so tired, I can’t remember the details,” or “Aunt Betsy is just getting old, and her mind isn’t what it used to be.” Neither phrase can be applied to God. He “will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom (Isaiah 40:28, NIV).” So, how does God just “forget” something?
The words of Jeremiah 31:34 contains the answer. God will “remember their sin no more.” His “forgetfulness” is not some passive accident. Rather, it’s a change of perspective. In a sense, God “changes the landscape.” Our offenses (sins) erect a barrier. Forgiveness removes the barrier. And now, instead of focusing on the offense, He takes it away and then faces a different direction. Our offense is no longer in His field of vision. His forgetfulness is intentional. Because of Christ’s sacrifice for our sins, God now relates to you and me based on our new relationship with Him … not on our past offenses.
Now, after learning how God chooses to see us, look at your marriage. How do you forgive your spouse? Yes, a very real offense has been committed. But instead of keeping it in your field of vision, you choose to remove the barrier. You remember it no more. In so doing, you live out the truth of 1 Corinthians 13:6 “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
Forgiveness is often confused with the ideas of reconciliation and trust. Forgiving your spouse certainly makes restoration possible, but actual restoration takes time and only comes after repeated trustworthy interactions. To equate forgiveness and trust is like equating the vows spoken on your wedding day with years of faithfulness and fidelity; the vows set a relationship in motion, but faithfulness is proven over time.
In the same way, while forgiving your spouse means canceling a debt, trust and reconciliation take time to develop. To immediately presume I should be trusted because I’ve been forgiven may cause additional pain to my spouse. If I truly receive forgiveness in humility, I respect the process of building trust and reconciliation over time.
Matthew 18 records an interesting conversation between Jesus and His follower Peter. “Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’(NIV).”
It’s easy to mock Peter’s question. After all, his offer seemed grandiose. The Jewish leaders in Peter’s day used God’s judgment in Amos 1:3 to teach that forgiveness should be offered just three times: “For three transgressions of Damascus, and for four,” God says, “I will not revoke the punishment.” Peter’s offer was above and beyond. Jesus, however, countered Peter’s offer with God’s unlimited grace. “Not seven times,” He said to his disciple, “but seventy-seven times.”
God forgives us over and over. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9).” God sets an example for us to follow when forgiving our spouse. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Maybe you know someone — a friend or family member — who refuses to live out Ephesians 4:32. Instead of forgiving, they hold on to the offense so tightly their life becomes a monument (or tombstone!) that memorializes the offense. In a sense, that person becomes frozen in time, unable to move beyond the offense Eventually, they away in bitterness and cynicism.
Christ commands us to forgive as He has forgiven us. Jesus’ command to Peter – “forgive seventy-seven times” — challenges us to reset the landscape, remove our spouse’s offense from our field of vision, and forgive our spouse as God has forgiven us.
“He swings … and he misses. Strike three.” The sportscaster called the play and the color commentator followed with an observation. “Not a good game. And he’s had a rough season so far.”
Joe watched as the player on the screen removed his batting helmet and then slowly walked to the dugout. “I’m right there with you, buddy,” he mumbled. “Not a good season for me either. Especially with the way I just talked to Karen.” He stepped away from the television and moved toward a bookcase. A dusty baseball and a leather glove lay on the top shelf. Joe picked them up, blew the dust from the ball, and then tossed it into the glove. It landed with a satisfying smack. He tipped the ball out of the glove and then repeated the motion. “I can’t believe I said that,” he said to himself. “I can’t believe Karen did that. Especially after all the counseling and hard work. And all her promises.” He threw the ball into the glove a little harder than the last toss. “Hey God,” he looked at the ceiling as he spoke, “I can’t do this again.” He kept tossing the ball as he prayed. “I trusted her. It’s not right. I mean, we could have bought a new car with all the money we had sunk into paying off credit cards.” He tossed the ball again but this time, he missed the glove. The ball landed on the floor. Joe bent over to grab it and as he stood up, he came face to face with a photo of Karen. His favorite. The one from the college backpacking trip. There she was, standing in the sunshine. Hiking boots, socks pulled mid-calf, a denim ball cap, and that ratty-looking backpack she insisted on carrying. And a smile. A huge smile that started at the corners of her mouth and ended in little crinkles around her eyes. Joe had snapped the shot to share with the group and then made an extra copy for himself because that was the moment he’d fallen in love with Karen.
“Why can’t we be like that,” he prayed. “I’d give anything to see that smile again.” He looked back down to the ball in his hand long enough to toss it back into the glove. The sound of a baseball smacking a leather glove brought back memories of sunny afternoons and happy-go-lucky days. He glanced back at Karen’s portrait and caught a glimpse of his own reflection. The site of his scowling face overshadowing Karen’s triggered a reaction. “I wonder if that’s what she sees,” he said softly. “Now I know why I never see that smile anymore and it has nothing to do with the credit cards.” He looked back to the ceiling. “Yeah, she made a mistake. But I’ve held it against her. For a long time. I’ve been acting like a human credit card that can’t be repaid. I’ve refused to let things go. I haven’t wanted to. It frustrates me. Her spending hurts our family … but my unforgiveness is just as bad.” He stopped talking and walked back to the bookshelf to return the ball and glove. “God,” he said, “will you help me forgive?” He plopped back down in his office chair. “I’m ready to do what it takes to get that great big smile back on her face again.”
Karen listened as Joe made his way up the stairs one at a time. He stopped at the bedroom door. She wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up to face her husband.
Joe knocked on the door.
“Yeah?” she said.
He opened the door. “Hey babe,” he said. There was a softness in his voice that she hadn’t expected to hear.
“Joe, I’m so sorry,” she said. The tears started to flow again. “I wish I could explain…”
Joe interrupted her. “I’m willing to listen,” he said. Karen looked into his eyes and saw something had changed. Something significant. Joe caught her look. “Yeah, really listen,” he said. “I think I can. I really want to. I’ve been holding on to my frustration. It’s time to let it go. So, talk away. I’ll listen. And then, if you’ll let me, I want to apologize. If you’re willing to listen.”
Karen couldn’t speak. But she nodded. And smiled. A great big smile that started at the corners of her mouth and ended up in crinkles around her eyes.
Maybe your story doesn’t have a “Hallmark” ending like Joe and Karen’s. Maybe your marriage is still in a messy, ugly place. You want to forgive and reconcile but you just don’t have it in you to forgive your spouse.
Guess what? You’re right. You don’t have what it takes to forgive your spouse. But if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you have His Spirit living in you. Ephesians 3:20 says Christ can do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us (ESV).” When you choose to begin the process of forgiving your spouse, Jesus offers His abundant strength. You won’t face this alone.
Jesus, I’m not sure how to forgive my spouse. Help me as I start this process because I can’t do it alone. You’ve forgiven me and now I’m asking for your grace to forgive.”
Your spouse caused pain. Deep pain. Be honest with yourself about the pain your spouse has caused. Take time to mourn the brokenness. In Psalm 69, David opens his heart to God and shows Him the depth of his pain. “I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. (Psalm 69:29, NLT).” Sometimes, being honest about the pain means seeking help from a Christian counselor, pastor, or mentor. Find someone who can help you process the pain and then help you start the forgiveness and reconciliation process.
You’ve experienced real pain and brokenness. You don’t want to re-open your heart for fear of being hurt again. In a sense, you’ve built a fortress around your heart to protect it from pain. Unfortunately, those same walls you’ve erected from protection can block out hope and healing. Admit the pain and then invite God into it. Ask Him to show you who to trust and how to begin caring for the person behind those walls – yourself.
This means learning how to care for your heart — your personal well-being. It means finding fulfillment in Christ and letting Him define your worth.
God never wastes pain. Just look at Joseph’s story in the Book of Genesis. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery because they were jealous. Yet, God redeemed Joseph’s story and set in motion a chain of events to place Joseph in the right place, at just the right time, to save lives during a famine. Joseph recognized God’s work, “You intended to harm me,” he told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, “but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” God redeemed Joseph’s pain. He can redeem yours as well.
Scary? Yes. Your spouse may never be able to “make it right,” or they may never want to. Their response is between them and God. He will take care of it. Your role is to work through these six steps, forgive, and then leave the outcome to God.
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family writes this about forgiving your spouse, “Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it is a process. Too often we hear some version of “If he really forgave me, then he would be over this by now!
“But that simply is not realistic. We shouldn’t expect immediate healing or instant forgiveness, especially if we’ve done something extremely hurtful. Your spouse will not get over the hurt right away; it takes time.
“The pain of some hurts never fully goes away. An event may spark an old memory, and the pain may return with it. We think this is one way in which God keeps us humble. It’s hard to get overconfident about our emotional or spiritual maturity when we remember how things ‘used to be.’
“We need to dispense with the belief that once we say those magic words, ‘I forgive you,’ all pain and hurt instantly disappear. Forgiveness is a process, and only by going through it can we begin to heal.”
The post How to Forgive Your Spouse appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Forgiveness is never easy. It means letting go of an offense. Of giving grace instead of nursing a grudge. How do you do that? How do you forgive your spouse?
How to Forgive Your Spouse — The Betrayal
Karen folded the last T-shirt and placed it atop the stack of laundry headed for the boys’ bedroom. She sighed as she fussed over the pile. “How much clothing can two little boys go through in a week,” she muttered to no one in particular.
Someone answered her question. Someone with a stern voice. “Maybe they wouldn’t go through so much if someone didn’t keep buying them clothes with money we don’t have.” The voice belonged to Karen’s husband, Joe.
Karen looked up, surprised. “I didn’t see you standing there,” she said.
“Well, I didn’t see this until I grabbed the mail.” He held up a credit card bill and read the charges aloud. “Three hundred dollars for kids’ clothes. Two hundred for a pair of boots. A couple of meals … and five — no, six — Amazon orders.” He glared at his wife. “C’mon, Karen, we talked about this. We just paid off the last card and here you go again.” Joe struggled to keep his voice from rising.
“I can explain,” Karen wanted to say more but Joe stopped her.
“Explain what?” he snapped. “Explain how you promised me you wouldn’t use the card unless we talked about it first? You promised the credit counselor and me that you were done. That you’d learned your lesson. You lied. Here’s a thousand dollars in charges to prove it. I trusted you. And you lied.”
Karen’s eyes filled with tears. Joe had never sounded so harsh. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I messed up.”
“No,” Joe said, “You lied. You broke your promise. I thought you’d really changed. And if you’re lying about this, then what else are you lying about?” He started at Karen for a moment and then turned to walk away. “I’m done with this,” he called over his shoulder.
Karen listened to his footsteps as he walked down the stairs and then opened the door to his home office. A moment later, she heard him turn on the TV. Once she was sure she was alone, she looked down and cried.
What Does It Mean to Forgive Your Spouse?
Have you ever been in Joe’s shoes and felt betrayed by your spouse? Marriages are unraveling all around us every day in situations just like Joe’s and Karen’s. It’s in moments like these it’s important to know how to forgive your spouse.
What Forgiving Your Spouse Is Not
Before learning how to forgive your spouse, it’s important to know what it truly means to forgive. Like other aspects of the Christian walk, just about the time we think we have things figured out, life happens and then God teaches us something new. So, here’s a fundamental truth about forgiveness: it’s a daily challenge. But as He does with so many other challenges we face, God gives us renewed grace to face each one.
Forgiveness, however, seems a special challenge. It takes something extra. That’s because forgiving your spouse means canceling a debt your spouse created by committing an offense against you. Forgiveness starts with acknowledging that an offense was committed … and then choosing to cancel — or absolve — the debt. Psalm 103:12 explains it like this: “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he (God) removed our transgressions.”
Sound good? God not only cancels our sin debt but totally removes it. That’s comforting! We’re free! The challenge, then, becomes doing the same for our spouse. That’s not so easy. Maybe it seems even more difficult because we’ve confused forgiveness with three “Christian myths” or wrong ideas about forgiveness. Do any of these wrong ideas keep you from forgiving your spouse?
Wrong Idea #1 — Forgiving My Spouse Means Excusing Their Behavior
It may be gracious to excuse a spouse’s behavior when he or she has done something hurtful, but that’s not the same thing as forgiveness. Forgiving your spouse doesn’t mean saying, “It’s OK, no harm done.” The language of forgiveness involves saying, “I know I was harmed but I choose not to hold this offense against us.” To fully forgive, you must fully acknowledge the offense along with the hurt and pain that came with it. Not acknowledging the offense may limit the full reach of forgiveness.
Wrong Idea #2 — Forgiving My Spouse Means Forgetting Their Behavior
God forgives and forgets, right? Jeremiah 31:34 speaks of a time when God will no longer remember His people’s sins. But like Wrong Idea #1, there’s a significant problem with the idea of “forgetting.” When you and I talk about forgetting, we attribute it to weakness. “I’m so tired, I can’t remember the details,” or “Aunt Betsy is just getting old, and her mind isn’t what it used to be.” Neither phrase can be applied to God. He “will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom (Isaiah 40:28, NIV).” So, how does God just “forget” something?
The words of Jeremiah 31:34 contains the answer. God will “remember their sin no more.” His “forgetfulness” is not some passive accident. Rather, it’s a change of perspective. In a sense, God “changes the landscape.” Our offenses (sins) erect a barrier. Forgiveness removes the barrier. And now, instead of focusing on the offense, He takes it away and then faces a different direction. Our offense is no longer in His field of vision. His forgetfulness is intentional. Because of Christ’s sacrifice for our sins, God now relates to you and me based on our new relationship with Him … not on our past offenses.
Now, after learning how God chooses to see us, look at your marriage. How do you forgive your spouse? Yes, a very real offense has been committed. But instead of keeping it in your field of vision, you choose to remove the barrier. You remember it no more. In so doing, you live out the truth of 1 Corinthians 13:6 “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
Wrong Idea #3 — Forgiving My Spouse Means Immediate Reconciliation and Trust
Forgiveness is often confused with the ideas of reconciliation and trust. Forgiving your spouse certainly makes restoration possible, but actual restoration takes time and only comes after repeated trustworthy interactions. To equate forgiveness and trust is like equating the vows spoken on your wedding day with years of faithfulness and fidelity; the vows set a relationship in motion, but faithfulness is proven over time.
In the same way, while forgiving your spouse means canceling a debt, trust and reconciliation take time to develop. To immediately presume I should be trusted because I’ve been forgiven may cause additional pain to my spouse. If I truly receive forgiveness in humility, I respect the process of building trust and reconciliation over time.
The Right Idea About Forgiving Your Spouse
Matthew 18 records an interesting conversation between Jesus and His follower Peter. “Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’(NIV).”
It’s easy to mock Peter’s question. After all, his offer seemed grandiose. The Jewish leaders in Peter’s day used God’s judgment in Amos 1:3 to teach that forgiveness should be offered just three times: “For three transgressions of Damascus, and for four,” God says, “I will not revoke the punishment.” Peter’s offer was above and beyond. Jesus, however, countered Peter’s offer with God’s unlimited grace. “Not seven times,” He said to his disciple, “but seventy-seven times.”
God forgives us over and over. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9).” God sets an example for us to follow when forgiving our spouse. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Maybe you know someone — a friend or family member — who refuses to live out Ephesians 4:32. Instead of forgiving, they hold on to the offense so tightly their life becomes a monument (or tombstone!) that memorializes the offense. In a sense, that person becomes frozen in time, unable to move beyond the offense Eventually, they away in bitterness and cynicism.
Christ commands us to forgive as He has forgiven us. Jesus’ command to Peter – “forgive seventy-seven times” — challenges us to reset the landscape, remove our spouse’s offense from our field of vision, and forgive our spouse as God has forgiven us.
How to Forgive Your Spouse — The Decision
“He swings … and he misses. Strike three.” The sportscaster called the play and the color commentator followed with an observation. “Not a good game. And he’s had a rough season so far.”
Joe watched as the player on the screen removed his batting helmet and then slowly walked to the dugout. “I’m right there with you, buddy,” he mumbled. “Not a good season for me either. Especially with the way I just talked to Karen.” He stepped away from the television and moved toward a bookcase. A dusty baseball and a leather glove lay on the top shelf. Joe picked them up, blew the dust from the ball, and then tossed it into the glove. It landed with a satisfying smack. He tipped the ball out of the glove and then repeated the motion. “I can’t believe I said that,” he said to himself. “I can’t believe Karen did that. Especially after all the counseling and hard work. And all her promises.” He threw the ball into the glove a little harder than the last toss. “Hey God,” he looked at the ceiling as he spoke, “I can’t do this again.” He kept tossing the ball as he prayed. “I trusted her. It’s not right. I mean, we could have bought a new car with all the money we had sunk into paying off credit cards.” He tossed the ball again but this time, he missed the glove. The ball landed on the floor. Joe bent over to grab it and as he stood up, he came face to face with a photo of Karen. His favorite. The one from the college backpacking trip. There she was, standing in the sunshine. Hiking boots, socks pulled mid-calf, a denim ball cap, and that ratty-looking backpack she insisted on carrying. And a smile. A huge smile that started at the corners of her mouth and ended in little crinkles around her eyes. Joe had snapped the shot to share with the group and then made an extra copy for himself because that was the moment he’d fallen in love with Karen.
“Why can’t we be like that,” he prayed. “I’d give anything to see that smile again.” He looked back down to the ball in his hand long enough to toss it back into the glove. The sound of a baseball smacking a leather glove brought back memories of sunny afternoons and happy-go-lucky days. He glanced back at Karen’s portrait and caught a glimpse of his own reflection. The site of his scowling face overshadowing Karen’s triggered a reaction. “I wonder if that’s what she sees,” he said softly. “Now I know why I never see that smile anymore and it has nothing to do with the credit cards.” He looked back to the ceiling. “Yeah, she made a mistake. But I’ve held it against her. For a long time. I’ve been acting like a human credit card that can’t be repaid. I’ve refused to let things go. I haven’t wanted to. It frustrates me. Her spending hurts our family … but my unforgiveness is just as bad.” He stopped talking and walked back to the bookshelf to return the ball and glove. “God,” he said, “will you help me forgive?” He plopped back down in his office chair. “I’m ready to do what it takes to get that great big smile back on her face again.”
How to Forgive Your Spouse — The Action
Karen listened as Joe made his way up the stairs one at a time. He stopped at the bedroom door. She wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up to face her husband.
Joe knocked on the door.
“Yeah?” she said.
He opened the door. “Hey babe,” he said. There was a softness in his voice that she hadn’t expected to hear.
“Joe, I’m so sorry,” she said. The tears started to flow again. “I wish I could explain…”
Joe interrupted her. “I’m willing to listen,” he said. Karen looked into his eyes and saw something had changed. Something significant. Joe caught her look. “Yeah, really listen,” he said. “I think I can. I really want to. I’ve been holding on to my frustration. It’s time to let it go. So, talk away. I’ll listen. And then, if you’ll let me, I want to apologize. If you’re willing to listen.”
Karen couldn’t speak. But she nodded. And smiled. A great big smile that started at the corners of her mouth and ended up in crinkles around her eyes.
Practical Steps to Forgiving Your Spouse
Maybe your story doesn’t have a “Hallmark” ending like Joe and Karen’s. Maybe your marriage is still in a messy, ugly place. You want to forgive and reconcile but you just don’t have it in you to forgive your spouse.
Guess what? You’re right. You don’t have what it takes to forgive your spouse. But if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you have His Spirit living in you. Ephesians 3:20 says Christ can do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us (ESV).” When you choose to begin the process of forgiving your spouse, Jesus offers His abundant strength. You won’t face this alone.
Step 1: Start with prayer
Jesus, I’m not sure how to forgive my spouse. Help me as I start this process because I can’t do it alone. You’ve forgiven me and now I’m asking for your grace to forgive.”
Step 2: Be honest about the pain
Your spouse caused pain. Deep pain. Be honest with yourself about the pain your spouse has caused. Take time to mourn the brokenness. In Psalm 69, David opens his heart to God and shows Him the depth of his pain. “I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. (Psalm 69:29, NLT).” Sometimes, being honest about the pain means seeking help from a Christian counselor, pastor, or mentor. Find someone who can help you process the pain and then help you start the forgiveness and reconciliation process.
Step 3: Admit you feel helpless and vulnerable
You’ve experienced real pain and brokenness. You don’t want to re-open your heart for fear of being hurt again. In a sense, you’ve built a fortress around your heart to protect it from pain. Unfortunately, those same walls you’ve erected from protection can block out hope and healing. Admit the pain and then invite God into it. Ask Him to show you who to trust and how to begin caring for the person behind those walls – yourself.
Step 4: Take responsibility for your fears, pains and feelings
This means learning how to care for your heart — your personal well-being. It means finding fulfillment in Christ and letting Him define your worth.
Step 5: See the hurt and pain from God's perspective
God never wastes pain. Just look at Joseph’s story in the Book of Genesis. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery because they were jealous. Yet, God redeemed Joseph’s story and set in motion a chain of events to place Joseph in the right place, at just the right time, to save lives during a famine. Joseph recognized God’s work, “You intended to harm me,” he told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, “but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” God redeemed Joseph’s pain. He can redeem yours as well.
Step 6: Release the offender from ever making it right
Scary? Yes. Your spouse may never be able to “make it right,” or they may never want to. Their response is between them and God. He will take care of it. Your role is to work through these six steps, forgive, and then leave the outcome to God.
Forgiving Your Spouse Is a Process
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family writes this about forgiving your spouse, “Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it is a process. Too often we hear some version of “If he really forgave me, then he would be over this by now!
“But that simply is not realistic. We shouldn’t expect immediate healing or instant forgiveness, especially if we’ve done something extremely hurtful. Your spouse will not get over the hurt right away; it takes time.
“The pain of some hurts never fully goes away. An event may spark an old memory, and the pain may return with it. We think this is one way in which God keeps us humble. It’s hard to get overconfident about our emotional or spiritual maturity when we remember how things ‘used to be.’
“We need to dispense with the belief that once we say those magic words, ‘I forgive you,’ all pain and hurt instantly disappear. Forgiveness is a process, and only by going through it can we begin to heal.”
The post How to Forgive Your Spouse appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
