Several years ago, our seminary was part of a study sponsored by the Lily Foundation that sought solutions for the epidemic exit of leaders from ministry positions. The study involved meeting with cohorts of alumni after they had spent some years in ministry. Our primary question was, “What factors enable men to sustain fruitful years in ministry?” It should be no surprise that we found that a healthy family life was a prominent factor. As leaders, God calls us to be good examples for the flock (1 Peter 5:3). Being examples in our leadership at home is an important element of that example. After all, Paul wrote, “if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church” (1 Timothy 3:5)? We also discovered lots of frustration in ministry marriages.
Frustration comes quickly enough in life and ministry without manufacturing it “in-house.” If there is a place that should be an oasis of peace from the difficulties of the daily grind, it should be the home. I used to teach my students that if life and ministry are stormy outside the house, you can withstand almost anything if things are well at home. However, if there is tension and stress at home, everything else becomes virtually impossible.
This is an article about frustration. To be specific, it is about how husbands frustrate their wives. It is a “how to” guide, the elements of which to be avoided. The foundation of the things we shouldn’t do is found in the gold standard of how we should treat our wives. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).” If you want to know how to treat your wife, look at Christ’s love for the church. We will see the frustration factors that can arise when contrasted with the elements of Christ’s love for us.
There was nothing in you or me that deserved his love. Quite to the contrary, “God shows his love for us that while we were sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Not only did we fail to love him, but we were heading in the opposite direction in our sin. It is a classic case of unrequited love. This is why our relationship with him is solely by his grace. Our love for our wives must be unconditional as well. Our inability to perfectly reflect Christ’s love in loving our wives breaks down because we are sinful human beings. For example, we must also admit that certain “conditions” attracted us to our wives, including personality, mutual interests, and good looks, too! However, we ground our love for our wives in commitment, not conditions. It was a commitment in the form of vows made to God in the presence of witnesses. But sometimes, we can make it seem to our wives as if we base our love for them on conditions rather than commitment. This is the first way that we can frustrate our wives.
Sometimes you can make it appear that your love is based on conditions when it changes with circumstances. This can creep in when she no longer has that girlish figure she had before the children came along. But remember that you base your love on commitment, not conditions. She might not always agree with you, but remember you base your love on commitment, not conditions. She might aggravate you, but remember you base your love on commitment, not conditions. Remember that Jesus didn’t love you and give himself for you because you were so smart, holy, or indispensable to his plan for the world. He loved you because he loved you! Doesn’t it comfort you that his love for you never changes? He still loves you even when you sin. He still loves you when you fall short of perfection every single day. Keep this in mind when you are tempted to revert to conditional love. Remember that you base the love for your wife on commitment, not conditions, regardless of how difficult things might become in your relationship. Someone once said, “No one can stop you from loving them.” Think how frustrated and insecure your wife feels when you subtly (or not so subtly) send the message that your affection for her is based on how she looks that day or whether she agrees with you or how she keeps the house, or how she responds (or doesn’t respond) to your advances. No, through the Spirit of Christ, love your wife as Christ loves you unconditionally.
Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” To what extent did Jesus love the church? He gave himself completely for her. He came to give himself in selfless service. What was the extent of his service? He said, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:11). His coming was to serve us in his death so that we might be freed from bondage to sin and restored to relationship with him. Now we are told as husbands that this sacrificial service will be the model for serving our wives! This is so contrary to our natural inclination.
We all like to be served, especially at home. Sometimes we are so devoted to serving others in ministry that we forget that our primary serving relationship is with our wives. Do you come home from a busy day of counseling and visitation and expect to be given space, relax, and be served, even though your wife may have had a day in which she was overwhelmed by the children, household tasks, and unpaid expectations that come her way because she is the pastor’s wife? Due to our economic challenges, many of our wives are working outside the home, too. Unfortunately, survey after survey reveals that women still do the bulk of the housework even if they are engaged in outside employment. No wonder she is tired! My wife is the most selfless person I know. To be honest, I can take advantage of that because she doesn’t give me grief when I sit instead of serving. I must continue to remind myself that my love for her requires me to take the initiative in serving her and the family. Would your wife say that you are a model of service? What would your children say? May it be clear to your family that you are not there to be served but to serve because that reflects the sacrificial love of Jesus for you.
Paul writes that the purpose of his loving sacrifice for the church was “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:26-27). The love of Jesus in giving himself was not merely that God might forgive us but that we would grow in His holiness and likeness in preparation for heaven.
You spend most of your time investing in the lives of others, discipling them, praying with them, shepherding them, and training them. Does your wife feel well-shepherded? I hope you’re not thinking, “She hears my sermons. Isn’t that enough?” Do you want to know the answer to that? Instead, consider the thoughtful questions of R. Kent Hughes: “Is my wife more like Christ because of me? Has she shrunk from his likeness because of me? Do I sanctify her or hold her back? Is she a better woman because she is married to me?”[1] This could be one of those unspoken frustrations that she is unlikely to mention. Take the initiative and talk about how you can grow together in Christ. Granted, different wives have different needs, but you should know.
Paul’s discourse on marriage ends with these words, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph. 5:32-33).
Isn’t it interesting that the fruit of a husband’s love is his wife’s “respect?” If you frustrate your wife by failing to love her, you are putting her in a position to “fake” this.
Your public ministry calls for sincerity and integrity, not duplicity. It is difficult to imagine anything more frustrating to your wife or degrading to her spirit than having to “pretend” to respect you. Your marriage will never be completely free of frustration. Still, if you sacrificially love your wife through the power of His Spirit dwelling in you, her regard for you will soar, and together you will increasingly reflect the mysterious union between Christ and his church.
[1] R. Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man (Wheaton, Crossway Books, 1991), 37-38.
The post How to Frustrate Your Wife appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Frustration comes quickly enough in life and ministry without manufacturing it “in-house.” If there is a place that should be an oasis of peace from the difficulties of the daily grind, it should be the home. I used to teach my students that if life and ministry are stormy outside the house, you can withstand almost anything if things are well at home. However, if there is tension and stress at home, everything else becomes virtually impossible.
This is an article about frustration. To be specific, it is about how husbands frustrate their wives. It is a “how to” guide, the elements of which to be avoided. The foundation of the things we shouldn’t do is found in the gold standard of how we should treat our wives. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).” If you want to know how to treat your wife, look at Christ’s love for the church. We will see the frustration factors that can arise when contrasted with the elements of Christ’s love for us.
First, remember that Christ’s love for you is unconditional.
There was nothing in you or me that deserved his love. Quite to the contrary, “God shows his love for us that while we were sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Not only did we fail to love him, but we were heading in the opposite direction in our sin. It is a classic case of unrequited love. This is why our relationship with him is solely by his grace. Our love for our wives must be unconditional as well. Our inability to perfectly reflect Christ’s love in loving our wives breaks down because we are sinful human beings. For example, we must also admit that certain “conditions” attracted us to our wives, including personality, mutual interests, and good looks, too! However, we ground our love for our wives in commitment, not conditions. It was a commitment in the form of vows made to God in the presence of witnesses. But sometimes, we can make it seem to our wives as if we base our love for them on conditions rather than commitment. This is the first way that we can frustrate our wives.
Application: you frustrate your wife when your love is conditional
Sometimes you can make it appear that your love is based on conditions when it changes with circumstances. This can creep in when she no longer has that girlish figure she had before the children came along. But remember that you base your love on commitment, not conditions. She might not always agree with you, but remember you base your love on commitment, not conditions. She might aggravate you, but remember you base your love on commitment, not conditions. Remember that Jesus didn’t love you and give himself for you because you were so smart, holy, or indispensable to his plan for the world. He loved you because he loved you! Doesn’t it comfort you that his love for you never changes? He still loves you even when you sin. He still loves you when you fall short of perfection every single day. Keep this in mind when you are tempted to revert to conditional love. Remember that you base the love for your wife on commitment, not conditions, regardless of how difficult things might become in your relationship. Someone once said, “No one can stop you from loving them.” Think how frustrated and insecure your wife feels when you subtly (or not so subtly) send the message that your affection for her is based on how she looks that day or whether she agrees with you or how she keeps the house, or how she responds (or doesn’t respond) to your advances. No, through the Spirit of Christ, love your wife as Christ loves you unconditionally.
Second, remember that Christ’s love for you is sacrificial.
Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” To what extent did Jesus love the church? He gave himself completely for her. He came to give himself in selfless service. What was the extent of his service? He said, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:11). His coming was to serve us in his death so that we might be freed from bondage to sin and restored to relationship with him. Now we are told as husbands that this sacrificial service will be the model for serving our wives! This is so contrary to our natural inclination.
Application: You frustrate your wife when you are selfish
We all like to be served, especially at home. Sometimes we are so devoted to serving others in ministry that we forget that our primary serving relationship is with our wives. Do you come home from a busy day of counseling and visitation and expect to be given space, relax, and be served, even though your wife may have had a day in which she was overwhelmed by the children, household tasks, and unpaid expectations that come her way because she is the pastor’s wife? Due to our economic challenges, many of our wives are working outside the home, too. Unfortunately, survey after survey reveals that women still do the bulk of the housework even if they are engaged in outside employment. No wonder she is tired! My wife is the most selfless person I know. To be honest, I can take advantage of that because she doesn’t give me grief when I sit instead of serving. I must continue to remind myself that my love for her requires me to take the initiative in serving her and the family. Would your wife say that you are a model of service? What would your children say? May it be clear to your family that you are not there to be served but to serve because that reflects the sacrificial love of Jesus for you.
Third, remember that Christ’s love is preparing you for heaven
Paul writes that the purpose of his loving sacrifice for the church was “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:26-27). The love of Jesus in giving himself was not merely that God might forgive us but that we would grow in His holiness and likeness in preparation for heaven.
Application: You frustrate your wife when you fail to lead her spiritually.
You spend most of your time investing in the lives of others, discipling them, praying with them, shepherding them, and training them. Does your wife feel well-shepherded? I hope you’re not thinking, “She hears my sermons. Isn’t that enough?” Do you want to know the answer to that? Instead, consider the thoughtful questions of R. Kent Hughes: “Is my wife more like Christ because of me? Has she shrunk from his likeness because of me? Do I sanctify her or hold her back? Is she a better woman because she is married to me?”[1] This could be one of those unspoken frustrations that she is unlikely to mention. Take the initiative and talk about how you can grow together in Christ. Granted, different wives have different needs, but you should know.
One final thought
Paul’s discourse on marriage ends with these words, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph. 5:32-33).
Isn’t it interesting that the fruit of a husband’s love is his wife’s “respect?” If you frustrate your wife by failing to love her, you are putting her in a position to “fake” this.
Your public ministry calls for sincerity and integrity, not duplicity. It is difficult to imagine anything more frustrating to your wife or degrading to her spirit than having to “pretend” to respect you. Your marriage will never be completely free of frustration. Still, if you sacrificially love your wife through the power of His Spirit dwelling in you, her regard for you will soar, and together you will increasingly reflect the mysterious union between Christ and his church.
[1] R. Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man (Wheaton, Crossway Books, 1991), 37-38.
The post How to Frustrate Your Wife appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...