Drifting apart in marriage is a sneaky little thing that can happen when you have kids. Your child is a beautiful, precious addition to your family and you devote so much time, energy, and affection to him or her. Then another kid arrives, and maybe another. Soon, you realize you don’t have anything left to give your spouse, and he or she doesn’t have anything to give you either. You’re left wondering, “How did this happen to my marriage? How can I love my spouse again?”
The child-centered home is easy to spot. The parents spend most of the day meeting needs, entertaining, coordinating activities, and doing anything else they deem necessary to ensure their children’s success.
Driven by a vague sense of guilt, these parents often walk on eggshells around their kids. We call it “perma-guilt,” a nagging inner voice constantly telling parents that they should play with the kids every time they ask. They may even skip a date that has been on the calendar for weeks if the kids mount a strong enough resistance. Heaven forbid Mom and Dad go on a weekend getaway by themselves.
The child-centered home leaves little room for nurturing a marriage. It creates a vacuum of intimacy, turning great parents into lousy lovers.
You might know something of the kid-centered home if you feel like a cook, maid, and taxi driver, or you run your home like a hotel. You might be a great parent but a lousy lover if your children sleep in your bed more than you do, or if you think you don’t even need a spouse to have a good marriage.
If your idea of a date night is watching your kids on the Chick-fil-A playground, then perhaps it’s time to invest a little more in your marriage.
God wants you to delight in your spouse. This is as important for your kids as it is for your marriage.
Few things prepare your children for success more than growing up with a mom and dad who thoroughly enjoy each other. It gives your children a deep sense of security to know that the two most important people in their lives are madly in love with one another. They need you and your spouse to be great parents and great lovers. To do that, you need to relearn how to love your spouse.
But remember, there is more to becoming a great lover than just having great sex. A great lover knows how to play hard, laugh more and touch often.
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When you were a kid, play came naturally. As you grew up, you most likely drifted away from play and moved toward responsibility. Have duty and responsibility trumped fun in your marriage? The key is to balance play with duty and responsibility.
Schedule a weekend getaway at least once a year. If you are strapped for cash, book a local hotel for two nights, then drop the kids off at Grandma’s or at a friend’s house.
Keep a date night reserved for playtime every week. Revisit some of the places you frequented on your first dates. Reminisce with your spouse about your favorite restaurants, past vacations, honeymoon spot, and so on.
Play was easy when you were dating and first married. Show your spouse you still love them like that. Rekindle your marriage with some of that fun from your early days of love.
Your marriage could also benefit from a little more laughter. This has been shown to reduce stress and create a bond with the one you love. Proverbs 17:22 teaches us that “a joyful heart is good medicine.” Nineteenth-century preacher Henry Ward Beecher said, “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road. Good humor makes all things tolerable.”
Have you ever noticed that spontaneous laughter is contagious? You walk into a room where people are laughing, and it immediately brings a smile to your face, even though you don’t have a clue what started it. That is the power of laughter.
Make it part of your mission in life to laugh with your spouse. Not taking yourself so seriously is the first step toward bringing a dose of laughter into your marriage. Most things that take you out of your comfort zone will usually do the trick. Surprise your spouse by breaking into a dance or belting out a song with no warning (but with meaningful context)!
Laughter will really help you and your spouse loosen up. This creates space for new kinds of intimacy with your spouse and love for each opportunity to let loose with them.
Adding meaningful touch to play and laughter is the final spark that reignites a marriage lost to the kid-centered home. Your spouse needs to be touched at least 12 times a day. Don’t stand there and go, “1-2-3-4-5 . . .” These touches should not be given all at once. Spread them out from morning to night. Think through the variety of touches available to you, such as nonsexual touches, hugs, hand-holding, and kisses.
Nonsexual touching includes a hand on the shoulder as you say, “Thank you for dinner” or “I can’t wait to get back home tonight.” It can also be a gentle touch on the small of the back, a soft pat as you walk by or your hand on the leg while sitting on the couch. These little things say, “I appreciate you. I cherish you.”
Can you remember the last time you and your spouse hugged for more than 30 seconds? A midday hug communicates to your lover that things are good and you can relax together. It also can communicate that you are not in a rush and you have nowhere else you’d rather be.
And don’t forget about holding hands! The next time you’re in the car or watching a movie together, reach for your lover’s hand. It’s a strong nonverbal way to say to your spouse, “I love you” and speaks volumes to the kids about your commitment.
How about a lengthy, passionate kiss with your spouse . . . outside the bedroom? Kisses can sometimes feel like meal prayers — a bit rushed, obligatory and lacking in relationship. Slow down and share a smooch like it could be your last. Surprise your lover tonight and plant one on him or her. If your kids are in the room during this kissing scene, all the better!
Taking back your life and marriage from the kid-centered home is one of the most fulfilling endeavors you can undertake and one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. Resolve today to invite more play, laughter and touch into your relationship. You can fully enjoy the person you married and chose to have kids with. You can learn how to love your spouse the way you used to. Both are possible: you can be a great parent . . . and a great lover!
Adapted from Great Parents, Lousy Lovers by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham.
The post How to Love Your Spouse Again: Remember How It All Began appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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Pitting Spouse-Love Against Child-Love
The child-centered home is easy to spot. The parents spend most of the day meeting needs, entertaining, coordinating activities, and doing anything else they deem necessary to ensure their children’s success.
Driven by a vague sense of guilt, these parents often walk on eggshells around their kids. We call it “perma-guilt,” a nagging inner voice constantly telling parents that they should play with the kids every time they ask. They may even skip a date that has been on the calendar for weeks if the kids mount a strong enough resistance. Heaven forbid Mom and Dad go on a weekend getaway by themselves.
The child-centered home leaves little room for nurturing a marriage. It creates a vacuum of intimacy, turning great parents into lousy lovers.
You might know something of the kid-centered home if you feel like a cook, maid, and taxi driver, or you run your home like a hotel. You might be a great parent but a lousy lover if your children sleep in your bed more than you do, or if you think you don’t even need a spouse to have a good marriage.
If your idea of a date night is watching your kids on the Chick-fil-A playground, then perhaps it’s time to invest a little more in your marriage.
But, Can I Love My Spouse Again?
God wants you to delight in your spouse. This is as important for your kids as it is for your marriage.
Few things prepare your children for success more than growing up with a mom and dad who thoroughly enjoy each other. It gives your children a deep sense of security to know that the two most important people in their lives are madly in love with one another. They need you and your spouse to be great parents and great lovers. To do that, you need to relearn how to love your spouse.
But remember, there is more to becoming a great lover than just having great sex. A great lover knows how to play hard, laugh more and touch often.
Learn How to Cherish your Spouse and Have a Deeper Connection
What does it mean to cherish your spouse? Couples who cherish each other understand that God created everyone different, and as a result, they treasure the unique characteristics in their spouse. We want to help you do just that. Focus on the Family has created a free five-part video course called "Cherish Your Spouse" featuring best-selling author Gary Thomas. He'll offer you practical guidance for developing a deeper level of intimacy and connection with your spouse.Start Your Free Video Series
Play Hard
When you were a kid, play came naturally. As you grew up, you most likely drifted away from play and moved toward responsibility. Have duty and responsibility trumped fun in your marriage? The key is to balance play with duty and responsibility.
Schedule a weekend getaway at least once a year. If you are strapped for cash, book a local hotel for two nights, then drop the kids off at Grandma’s or at a friend’s house.
Keep a date night reserved for playtime every week. Revisit some of the places you frequented on your first dates. Reminisce with your spouse about your favorite restaurants, past vacations, honeymoon spot, and so on.
Play was easy when you were dating and first married. Show your spouse you still love them like that. Rekindle your marriage with some of that fun from your early days of love.
Laugh More
Your marriage could also benefit from a little more laughter. This has been shown to reduce stress and create a bond with the one you love. Proverbs 17:22 teaches us that “a joyful heart is good medicine.” Nineteenth-century preacher Henry Ward Beecher said, “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road. Good humor makes all things tolerable.”
Have you ever noticed that spontaneous laughter is contagious? You walk into a room where people are laughing, and it immediately brings a smile to your face, even though you don’t have a clue what started it. That is the power of laughter.
Make it part of your mission in life to laugh with your spouse. Not taking yourself so seriously is the first step toward bringing a dose of laughter into your marriage. Most things that take you out of your comfort zone will usually do the trick. Surprise your spouse by breaking into a dance or belting out a song with no warning (but with meaningful context)!
Laughter will really help you and your spouse loosen up. This creates space for new kinds of intimacy with your spouse and love for each opportunity to let loose with them.
Touch Often
Adding meaningful touch to play and laughter is the final spark that reignites a marriage lost to the kid-centered home. Your spouse needs to be touched at least 12 times a day. Don’t stand there and go, “1-2-3-4-5 . . .” These touches should not be given all at once. Spread them out from morning to night. Think through the variety of touches available to you, such as nonsexual touches, hugs, hand-holding, and kisses.
Nonsexual touching includes a hand on the shoulder as you say, “Thank you for dinner” or “I can’t wait to get back home tonight.” It can also be a gentle touch on the small of the back, a soft pat as you walk by or your hand on the leg while sitting on the couch. These little things say, “I appreciate you. I cherish you.”
Can you remember the last time you and your spouse hugged for more than 30 seconds? A midday hug communicates to your lover that things are good and you can relax together. It also can communicate that you are not in a rush and you have nowhere else you’d rather be.
And don’t forget about holding hands! The next time you’re in the car or watching a movie together, reach for your lover’s hand. It’s a strong nonverbal way to say to your spouse, “I love you” and speaks volumes to the kids about your commitment.
How about a lengthy, passionate kiss with your spouse . . . outside the bedroom? Kisses can sometimes feel like meal prayers — a bit rushed, obligatory and lacking in relationship. Slow down and share a smooch like it could be your last. Surprise your lover tonight and plant one on him or her. If your kids are in the room during this kissing scene, all the better!
You Can Love Your Spouse Again
Taking back your life and marriage from the kid-centered home is one of the most fulfilling endeavors you can undertake and one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. Resolve today to invite more play, laughter and touch into your relationship. You can fully enjoy the person you married and chose to have kids with. You can learn how to love your spouse the way you used to. Both are possible: you can be a great parent . . . and a great lover!
Adapted from Great Parents, Lousy Lovers by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham.
The post How to Love Your Spouse Again: Remember How It All Began appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...