How to overcome the Medonna-Whore complex which causes dysfunctional relationship?

[Carry_Your_Name]

The term "Madonna-Whore complex" is a very common binary stereotypical view of woman that has been deeply rooted in our culture. A "Madonna" is the paragon of virtues, while a "whore" is self-explanatory. With a thinking pattern of Madonna-Whore complex, all women are divided into these two mutually exclusive categories, she's either a "Madonna" like virgin Mary or a "whore" like Jezebel. Having it translated into relationships, this complex is chiefly responsible for, at least highly correlated to the phenomenon that people are having lots of premarital and extramarital sex, but very little marital sex, which is the polar opposite of ideal sex by God's design.

Now allow me to explain. In a marriage, or just a long term cohabiting relationship, there's a common tendency - male partner becomes a child, while his female partner becomes a second mother to him - she does all the chores for him, cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating, you name it; when he's misbehaving she disciplines him, when he's sad she comforts him, when he's confused she enlightens him, essentially she's doing everything his mother would do for him, and this role of "second mother" is often pushed to front and center especially when she gives birth and becomes a mother herself. In this period, rather than sharing her burden, he's mentally reduced to a big baby who needs to be taken care of by his wife as much as his own baby. I believe we can all relate to this "mother-child dynamic", we've got a generation of Peter Pans who grew up with "mommy issues", they consciously or subconsciously look for specific qualities of their mothers in a potential romantic partner.

So what does that have to do with "Madonna-Whore complex"? And how does it affect sex life? When a man is under the spell of this binary thinking, his partner is no longer a sexual being, but a Madonna whom he fears and respects as much as he fears and respects his own mother. In Lev. 18, the chapter on sexual morality, the greatest sin among all sexual sins is a sexual relationship with your own parents, including non-related step parents. Therefore, if a man views his partner as his second mother, he'd be naturally reluctant or at least hesitant to have sex with her as much as he wouldn't have sex with his own parents, he'd even be afraid of any intimate act, and that leads to a dry spell in the bedroom and a dysfunctional relationship. Both he and she would often defend themselves with excuses that they're too busy, too tired, too pre-occupied with distractions, but deep down, the real inhibition is this Madonna-Whore complex, as least for the man.

None of you shall approach anyone who is near of kin to him, to uncover his nakedness: I am the Lord. The nakedness of your father or the nakedness of your mother you shall not uncover. She is your mother; you shall not uncover her nakedness. The nakedness of your father’s wife you shall not uncover; it is your father’s nakedness. (Lev. 18:6-8)

Meanwhile, a man still has carnal desires, he still longs for pleasure from a sexual being. Since his partner doesn't elicit sex because she's viewed as a Madonna - who may or may not be as attractive as she was when he first met her, that's where the "Whore" fits in. "Whore" may sound a bit harsh and rude, but sadly it's the inevitable product of today's raunch culture. Women are overwhelmingly sexualized and objectified, and thanks to the proliferation of porn, along with all the sexual assault stories on the news, sex is often presented as a means of abuse and control, to take advantage of a weaker human being, to exploit them, overpower them and possess them. This is modern feminist view, that every man is a potential predator, every woman is a potential victim, and sex is villified as I've just described. When a man is under such influence, the foregone conclusion is obvious - I love my "second mother", my Madonna too much to abuse her with sex, even though marriage sex is sancitified by God; sex can only occur with a "Whore" who sells her sex or at least flaunts her sex for a living, there'll be no hard feelings for either me or her, even though "you shall not commit adultery". This "Whore" could be a porn star, a fantasized character, not necessarily a real "whore".

And that raises the question in the title. It's a serious and relevant topic worth a deep dive.

 

[Christian Saboteur]

Strangely enough,you make some interesting points.Its the first time I ever heard "Madonna-Whore Complex",Cheez!,I am messed up.

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

Strangely enough,you make some interesting points.Its the first time I ever heard "Madonna-Whore Complex",Cheez!,I am messed up.

Then you have no idea how this false dichotomy of good girl/bad girl, wife/mistress has been popularized and normalized in the secualr culture, how it hurts women by distorting the way men view and treat them, which also hurts a lots of men who fail to enjoy a gratifying sex life and healthy relationship.

 

[Knotical]

The problem on the male side of the relationship is that he did not grow up with a strong male role model. This is further exacerbated by today's society where men are continually emasculated and made to look like a child who needs to be continually admonished for his bad behavior. Plenty of TV shows and movies show men in this light, even if there is a supposed strong male influence in the character's life. The feminist movement is mostly to blame for this. We have come a long way from the post war era of the 50s to today. We as men need to get back to being strong male role models for our sons. Though, there is some debate as to what this should actually look like.

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

The problem on the male side of the relationship is that he did not grow up with a strong male role model. This is further exacerbated by today's society where men are continually emasculated and made to look like a child who needs to be continually admonished for his bad behavior. Plenty of TV shows and movies show men in this light, even if there is a supposed strong male influence in the character's life. The feminist movement is mostly to blame for this. We have come a long way from the post war era of the 50s to today. We as men need to get back to being strong male role models for our sons. Though, there is some debate as to what this should actually look like.

Hard times create strong men
Strong men create good times
Good times create weak men
Weak men create hard times.