Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
When a couple reaches the point of separation, either to work on their relationship from a distance or as a first step toward divorce, the entire situation gets further complicated when children are involved. What should a parent tell a child? What does a parent do in this interim season of his or her marital relationship? Is it right to offer children hope when they’re hurting? How can they support their children through separation? Let’s take a look at some insight on how to support children through separation by Dr. Bill Maier and Dr. Gary Chapman.
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I are separated for the time being due to a difficulty in our relationship. We are in counseling and don’t want to divorce. We feel this time apart is important right now because we’re concerned that our constant fighting may impact our 3-year-old son. Sometimes, our son will spend the night at my husband’s apartment in town, but how do we explain to him what is going on?
A 3-year-old doesn’t have the capacity to understand concepts like marital separation. You will need to keep your explanations very concrete and simple. Be completely honest with him about what is going on. You might say something like, “Honey, Daddy and I love each other but lately we have been having some arguments. We are trying to learn how to get along better with a special helper. While we do that, we have decided that Daddy is going to live in a different house for a while.”
For a 3-year-old child, the most important thing you can do is make sure that he feels safe and loved. During this time of instability, you will need to reassure him that Mommy and Daddy love him very much and that you will always be there for him. You and your husband should also do all you can to act appropriately toward each other when you are around him. Swallow your pride and put his needs ahead of your desire to criticize or snipe at each other.
I’m encouraged to hear that you have made a commitment to attend counseling together and work on your relationship. By the way, one of the most promising new forms of marital counseling is called “Emotionally Focused Therapy” or “EFT.” Many couples who have felt they were at the end of their rope have found hope and healing through EFT. You might ask your counselor if he or she is familiar with that form of therapy.
I would also encourage you to move back in together as soon as possible if it is safe and appropriate to do so. Research shows that the longer you stay physically separated, the higher your risk for divorce. I pray that you are able to work things out for the sake of your son.
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I have been separated for four months now. But he recently asked me to join him and our children at his mom and dad’s house on Christmas morning. He said he wants me to come because he wants to be there next year when it’s my turn to have the kids on Christmas morning. Although I would love to see my girls open their presents, I’m afraid this will send mixed messages to them about the marriage problems they know we are experiencing. What do you think is the right choice for my children?
Kathy, I’m sorry to hear about your situation and that you’re dealing with this difficult decision at Christmas time. I’ll be honest: In my opinion, the most helpful thing you can do for your girls is to work out your marital problems with your husband and get back together. You didn’t mention the nature of the conflict, but unless it involves domestic violence and abuse, addiction, or dangerous behavior, separation is not the answer.
The vast majority of divorces today are what psychologists refer to as “low-conflict” divorces. In other words, the couple isn’t involved in angry, knock-down, drag-out fights—they simply report that they “fell out of love” or that their partner was no longer “meeting their needs.”
Unless there’s an issue like addiction or abuse involved, separation typically doesn’t help a couple—the vast majority of separations actually lead to divorce. That’s because when a couple separates, they’ve got “one foot out the door” of their relationship. The level of commitment takes a big hit, which makes getting a divorce that much easier. A separation is usually the beginning of the end.
On the other hand, if a couple who is having marital problems sticks it out, they often find that their problems work themselves out over time. Research shows that the majority of couples who make the decision to stay together and work on their conflict report that their marriage is “much happier” three years later. Many of these couples stayed together for the sake of their kids, and in hindsight, they say, are very thankful they didn’t get divorced.
So again, unless your husband has been abusive or is involved in some type of dangerous or addictive behavior, I’d encourage you to spend Christmas with him at your in-laws’ house. Let your daughters know that you and Daddy are trying to work things out, but be honest, you don’t know what the future holds.
Kathy, your email didn’t mention marital counseling. If you and your husband haven’t seen a counselor to work on your issues, make an appointment with one this week.
I pray that you and your girls have a wonderful Christmas and that God will open the door to reconciliation with your husband.
Here are five ways that you can support your children through separation.
Dr. Gary Chapman coaches couples, “Tell children the truth about your separation and impending divorce. Don’t try to protect them by lying.” If a couple is going to separate, the ideal is for both parents to sit down with the children together. “Share with the children what you’re doing and why you’re doing it,” Dr. Chapman encourages. “Verbalize to the children, ‘It’s not your fault, it’s not something you did. Daddy’s not mad at you. Mommy’s not mad at you. We just have some things we can’t resolve.'”
He emphasizes that children have a deep need to love and be loved, so it’s crucial that both parents reassure the children of their love for them. Don’t assume your children feel loved simply because you tell them that they’re loved; you’ll need to find out what makes each child feel loved and express your love in a way that speaks directly to him or her. Dr. Chapman cautions separated couples not to speak for each other with their children. If one parent doesn’t speak love to the child, there is nothing to be gained by the other parent offering verbal reassurance of the spouse’s love for the children.
Beyond assuring the children of your love, Dr. Chapman recommends that parents reassure the children that they are not leaving them. It’s best if a separated couple can be civil with each other and allow the children to see both parents without badmouthing each other.
During the separation period, children still need discipline. Clarifying boundaries and enforcing restrictions with children is secure, and it’s best when parents can agree on the basics (such as acceptable patterns of conduct). If a couple is not in a situation where parents can agree on boundaries, then it becomes essential that they at least be consistent in their differences. Children have enough going on emotionally, so parents must be careful that they don’t keep changing the rules and cause further frustration.
Counseling is highly recommended for children of separation or divorce. Dr. Chapman explains that when a family falls apart, there’s a sense in which children are processing grief. And the best way to process grief is to talk. If children aren’t seeing a counselor with whom they can ask questions and honestly express emotions, that usually means no one is talking to them about their family’s grief. They are internally stuffing all the emotions, thoughts, and questions that they are experiencing, and it will probably show up in their behavior because they have no other way to express their pain.
Amid that pain, how much hope should couples offer their children when they’re living with the uncertainty of a separated family situation? Again, Dr. Chapman advises that parents be honest with their kids. If it’s true that the parents haven’t given up hope on their marriage, then they can tell their children that they’re going to see a counselor to try to work on their relationship. He also counsels couples not to offer any guarantees like, “We’re gonna get this settled and we’ll be back together in a few weeks or a few months.”
If a couple is not going to work on reconciliation and one or both of them refuses to go to counseling, then be honest with that, too. Dr. Chapman recommends telling children something like: “You know, it looks like this might be the way we’re going to live now. Daddy’s going to live over there and we’re going to live over here, but you’re going to have a chance to live with both of us. We’re both going to do things together with you.” The more civil a couple can be with each other and with the children, the better it will be for everyone involved.
The post How to Support Children Through Separation appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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When a couple reaches the point of separation, either to work on their relationship from a distance or as a first step toward divorce, the entire situation gets further complicated when children are involved. What should a parent tell a child? What does a parent do in this interim season of his or her marital relationship? Is it right to offer children hope when they’re hurting? How can they support their children through separation? Let’s take a look at some insight on how to support children through separation by Dr. Bill Maier and Dr. Gary Chapman.
How to Handle Marital Separation
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I are separated for the time being due to a difficulty in our relationship. We are in counseling and don’t want to divorce. We feel this time apart is important right now because we’re concerned that our constant fighting may impact our 3-year-old son. Sometimes, our son will spend the night at my husband’s apartment in town, but how do we explain to him what is going on?
A 3-year-old doesn’t have the capacity to understand concepts like marital separation. You will need to keep your explanations very concrete and simple. Be completely honest with him about what is going on. You might say something like, “Honey, Daddy and I love each other but lately we have been having some arguments. We are trying to learn how to get along better with a special helper. While we do that, we have decided that Daddy is going to live in a different house for a while.”
For a 3-year-old child, the most important thing you can do is make sure that he feels safe and loved. During this time of instability, you will need to reassure him that Mommy and Daddy love him very much and that you will always be there for him. You and your husband should also do all you can to act appropriately toward each other when you are around him. Swallow your pride and put his needs ahead of your desire to criticize or snipe at each other.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
I’m encouraged to hear that you have made a commitment to attend counseling together and work on your relationship. By the way, one of the most promising new forms of marital counseling is called “Emotionally Focused Therapy” or “EFT.” Many couples who have felt they were at the end of their rope have found hope and healing through EFT. You might ask your counselor if he or she is familiar with that form of therapy.
I would also encourage you to move back in together as soon as possible if it is safe and appropriate to do so. Research shows that the longer you stay physically separated, the higher your risk for divorce. I pray that you are able to work things out for the sake of your son.
How to Support Children Through Separation During the Holidays
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I have been separated for four months now. But he recently asked me to join him and our children at his mom and dad’s house on Christmas morning. He said he wants me to come because he wants to be there next year when it’s my turn to have the kids on Christmas morning. Although I would love to see my girls open their presents, I’m afraid this will send mixed messages to them about the marriage problems they know we are experiencing. What do you think is the right choice for my children?
Kathy, I’m sorry to hear about your situation and that you’re dealing with this difficult decision at Christmas time. I’ll be honest: In my opinion, the most helpful thing you can do for your girls is to work out your marital problems with your husband and get back together. You didn’t mention the nature of the conflict, but unless it involves domestic violence and abuse, addiction, or dangerous behavior, separation is not the answer.
The vast majority of divorces today are what psychologists refer to as “low-conflict” divorces. In other words, the couple isn’t involved in angry, knock-down, drag-out fights—they simply report that they “fell out of love” or that their partner was no longer “meeting their needs.”
Unless there’s an issue like addiction or abuse involved, separation typically doesn’t help a couple—the vast majority of separations actually lead to divorce. That’s because when a couple separates, they’ve got “one foot out the door” of their relationship. The level of commitment takes a big hit, which makes getting a divorce that much easier. A separation is usually the beginning of the end.
Spending Time Together Brings Hope of Reconciliation
On the other hand, if a couple who is having marital problems sticks it out, they often find that their problems work themselves out over time. Research shows that the majority of couples who make the decision to stay together and work on their conflict report that their marriage is “much happier” three years later. Many of these couples stayed together for the sake of their kids, and in hindsight, they say, are very thankful they didn’t get divorced.
So again, unless your husband has been abusive or is involved in some type of dangerous or addictive behavior, I’d encourage you to spend Christmas with him at your in-laws’ house. Let your daughters know that you and Daddy are trying to work things out, but be honest, you don’t know what the future holds.
Kathy, your email didn’t mention marital counseling. If you and your husband haven’t seen a counselor to work on your issues, make an appointment with one this week.
I pray that you and your girls have a wonderful Christmas and that God will open the door to reconciliation with your husband.
How to Support Your Children Through Separation
Here are five ways that you can support your children through separation.
1. Tell Your Children The Truth
Dr. Gary Chapman coaches couples, “Tell children the truth about your separation and impending divorce. Don’t try to protect them by lying.” If a couple is going to separate, the ideal is for both parents to sit down with the children together. “Share with the children what you’re doing and why you’re doing it,” Dr. Chapman encourages. “Verbalize to the children, ‘It’s not your fault, it’s not something you did. Daddy’s not mad at you. Mommy’s not mad at you. We just have some things we can’t resolve.'”
2. Reassure Them of Your Love
He emphasizes that children have a deep need to love and be loved, so it’s crucial that both parents reassure the children of their love for them. Don’t assume your children feel loved simply because you tell them that they’re loved; you’ll need to find out what makes each child feel loved and express your love in a way that speaks directly to him or her. Dr. Chapman cautions separated couples not to speak for each other with their children. If one parent doesn’t speak love to the child, there is nothing to be gained by the other parent offering verbal reassurance of the spouse’s love for the children.
3. Reassure Your Children That You Are Not Leaving Them
Beyond assuring the children of your love, Dr. Chapman recommends that parents reassure the children that they are not leaving them. It’s best if a separated couple can be civil with each other and allow the children to see both parents without badmouthing each other.
During the separation period, children still need discipline. Clarifying boundaries and enforcing restrictions with children is secure, and it’s best when parents can agree on the basics (such as acceptable patterns of conduct). If a couple is not in a situation where parents can agree on boundaries, then it becomes essential that they at least be consistent in their differences. Children have enough going on emotionally, so parents must be careful that they don’t keep changing the rules and cause further frustration.
4. Seek Counseling
Counseling is highly recommended for children of separation or divorce. Dr. Chapman explains that when a family falls apart, there’s a sense in which children are processing grief. And the best way to process grief is to talk. If children aren’t seeing a counselor with whom they can ask questions and honestly express emotions, that usually means no one is talking to them about their family’s grief. They are internally stuffing all the emotions, thoughts, and questions that they are experiencing, and it will probably show up in their behavior because they have no other way to express their pain.
5. Be Honest About Reconciliation
Amid that pain, how much hope should couples offer their children when they’re living with the uncertainty of a separated family situation? Again, Dr. Chapman advises that parents be honest with their kids. If it’s true that the parents haven’t given up hope on their marriage, then they can tell their children that they’re going to see a counselor to try to work on their relationship. He also counsels couples not to offer any guarantees like, “We’re gonna get this settled and we’ll be back together in a few weeks or a few months.”
If a couple is not going to work on reconciliation and one or both of them refuses to go to counseling, then be honest with that, too. Dr. Chapman recommends telling children something like: “You know, it looks like this might be the way we’re going to live now. Daddy’s going to live over there and we’re going to live over here, but you’re going to have a chance to live with both of us. We’re both going to do things together with you.” The more civil a couple can be with each other and with the children, the better it will be for everyone involved.
The post How to Support Children Through Separation appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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