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Here are some of the more humorous verses that are found in the Quran and the Hadith:
Satan Urinated in My Ears
A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, "Satan urinated in his ears." Sahih Bukhari 2:21:245
Fight Polytheists by Trimming Moustache
The Messenger of Allah (may peace be opon him) said: Act against the polytheists, trim closely the moustache and grow beard. Sahih Muslim 2:500
Muttaqi (god-fearing) Monkeys
During the pre-lslamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them. Sahih Bukhari 5:58:188
Mohammed the Vampire
A man asked Anas, "What did you hear from the Prophet about garlic?" He said, "The Prophet said, 'Whoever has eaten this plant should neither come near us nor pray with us." Sahih Bukhari 1:12:815
Stone stole my Clothes
Moses was a modest person. He was never seen naked and Banu Isra'iI said: (He was afraid to expose his private part) because he had been suffering from scrotal hernia. He (one day) took bath in water and placed his garments upon a stone. The stone began to move on quickly. He followed that and struck it with the help of a stone (saying): O stone, my garment; O stone, my garments, O stone..... Sahih Bukhari 4:55:616
Trees as Informers
"I asked Masruq, ‘Who informed the Prophet about the Jinns at the night when they heard the Qur'an?’ He said, ‘Your father ‘Abdullah informed me that a tree informed the Prophet about them.’" Sahih Bukhari 5:58:199
A Crying Tree
The Prophet used to stand by a tree or a date-palm on Friday. Then an Ansari woman or man said. "O Allah's Apostle! Shall we make a pulpit for you?" He replied, "If you wish." So they made a pulpit for him and when it was Friday, he proceeded towards the pulpit (for delivering the sermon). The date-palm cried like a child! The Prophet descended (the pulpit) and embraced it while it continued moaning like a child being quieted. The Prophet said, "It was crying for (missing) what it used to hear of religious knowledge given near to it." Sahih Bukhari 4:56:784
Food glorifies Allah while being eaten
He said, "Bring the water remaining with you." The people brought a utensil containing a little water. He placed his hand in it and said, "Come to the blessed water, and the Blessing is from Allah." I saw the water flowing from among the fingers of Allah's Apostle , and no doubt, we heard the meal glorifying Allah, when it was being eaten (by him) Sahih Bukhari 4:56:779
A Saluting Stone
Samura reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying : I recognise the stone in Mecca which used to pay me salutations before my advent as a Prophet and I recognise that even now. Sahih Muslim 30:5654
Prophet shows how to Profit
A man mentioned to the Prophet that he had always been cheated in bargains. The Prophet said, "Whenever you do bargain, say, 'No cheating.'" Sahih Bukhari 9:86:94
Devil Sleeps in Our What?
The Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said. When any one of you awakes up from sleep and performs ablution, he must clean his nose three times, for the devil spends the night in the interior of his nose. Sahih Muslim 2:462
Abdomen contradicts Allah
A man came to the prophet and said, 'My brother has got loose motions. The Prophet said, Let him drink honey." The man again (came) and said, 'I made him drink (honey) but that made him worse.' The Prophet said, 'Allah has said the Truth, and the abdomen of your brother has told a lie." Sahih Bukhari 7:71:614
One Sneeze, Two Sneeze, Three Sneeze, Four
the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If a man sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, say, 'You have a cold'." Al-Muwatta 54 2.4
Allah loves sneezes (aacchoo!)
The Prophet said, "Allah loves sneezing but dislikes yawning; so if anyone of you sneezes and then praises Allah, every Muslim who hears him (praising Allah) has to say Tashmit to him. But as regards yawning, it is from Satan, so if one of you yawns, he should try his best to stop it, for when anyone of you yawns, Satan laughs at him." Sahih Bukhari 8:73:245
Interpretation of Dreams
Allah's Apostle said, "While I was sleeping I saw (in a dream) some people wearing shirts of which some were reaching up to the breasts only while others were even shorter than that. Umar bin Al-Khattab was shown wearing a shirt that he was dragging." The people asked, "How did you interpret it? (What is its interpretation) O Allah's Apostle?" He (the Prophet ) replied, "It is the Religion." Sahih Bukhari 1:2:22
Fever comes from heat of Hell
The Prophet said, "Fever is from the heat of Hell, so abate fever with water." Sahih Bukhari 7:71:621
The high status of women in Islam
The things which annul the prayers were mentioned before me. They said, "Prayer is annulled by a dog, a donkey and a woman (if they pass in front of the praying people)." I said, "You have made us (i.e. women) dogs. Sahih Bukhari 1:9:490
Pus Better than Poetry
We were going with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). As we reached the place (known as) Arj there met (us) a poet who had been reciting poetry. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Catch the satan or detain the satan, for filling the belly of a man with pus is better than stuffing his brain with poetry. Sahih Muslim 28:5611
Spit on Left for Protection Against Bad Dreams
The Prophet said, "A good dream that comes true is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan, so if anyone of you sees a bad dream, he should seek refuge with Allah from Satan and should spit on the left, for the bad dream will not harm him." Sahih Bukhari 9:87:115
Water mixed with menstrual clothes & Dead Dogs still clean
The people asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him): Can we perform ablution out of the well of Buda'ah, which is a well into which menstrual clothes, dead dogs and stinking things were thrown? He replied: Water is pure and is not defiled by anything. Sahih Muslim 1:66
Genetics 101
"A bedouin came to Allah's Apostle and said, "My wife has delivered a black child." The Prophet said to him, "Have you camels?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "What color are they?" He replied, "They are red." The Prophet further asked, "Are any of them gray in color?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet asked him, "Whence did that grayness come?" He said, "I think it descended from the camel's ancestors." Then the Prophet said (to him), "Therefore, this child of yours has most probably inherited the color from his ancestors." Sahih Bukhari 8:82:830
Satan ties three knots at back of our head while we sleep
Allah's Apostle said, "During your sleep, Satan knots three knots at the back of the head of each of you, and he breathes the following words at each knot, 'The night is, long, so keep on sleeping,' If that person wakes up and celebrates the praises of Allah, then one knot is undone, and when he performs ablution the second knot is undone, and when he prays, all the knots are undone, and he gets up in the morning lively and gay, otherwise he gets up dull and gloomy." Sahih Bukhari 4:54:491
Prophetic Buttocks
Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established till the buttocks of the women of the tribe of Daus move while going round Dhi-al-Khalasa." Sahih Bukhari 9:88:232
Stating the Obvious
I heard the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) as saying: The best places to sit are those which provide most room. Abu Dawud 41:4802
Say No to Green Jars and White Jars
I heard 'Abdullah bin Abi Aufa saying, "The Prophet forbade the use of green jars." I said, "Shall we drink out of white jars?" He said, "No." Sahih Bukhari 7:69:501
Could someone please lick my hands? Thank you
The Prophet said, 'When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else." Sahih Bukhari 7:65:366
Sinning with Silverware
(the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said, "He who drinks in silver utensils is only filling his abdomen with Hell Fire." Sahih Bukhari 7:69:538
The Art of dealing with a Fart
My uncle asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined to have passed wind during the prayer. Allah' Apostle replied: "He should not leave his prayers unless he hears sound or smells something." Sahih Bukhari 1:4:139
The Prophet forbade laughing at a person who passes wind. Sahih Bukhari 8:73:68
And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart. Tabari I 267
Dye your hair because Jews and Christians don't
The Prophet said, "Jews and Christians do not dye their hair so you should do the opposite of what they do. Sahih Bukhari 7:72:786
Comment: What if they use soap and brush their teeth?
One-shoe walks Outlawed
Allah's Apostle said, "None of you should walk, wearing one shoe only; he should either put on both shoes or put on no shoes whatsoever." Sahih Bukhari 7:72:746
Well Hello, Hello, Hello
Whenever Allah's Apostle greeted somebody, he used to greet him three times, and if he spoke a sentence, he used to repeat it thrice. Sahih Bukhari 8:74:261
Poke the Peeping Tom
"If any person peeps at you without your permission and you poke him with a stick and injure his eye, you will not be blamed." Sahih Bukhari 9:83:39
Muhammad chokes Satan with bare hands
The Prophet once offered the prayer and said, "Satan came in front of me and tried to interrupt my prayer, but Allah gave me an upper hand on him and I choked him. No doubt, I thought of tying him to one of the pillars of the mosque till you get up in the morning and see him. Then I remembered the statement of Prophet Solomon, 'My Lord ! Bestow on me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me.' Then Allah made him (Satan) return with his head down (humiliated)." Sahih Bukhari 2:22:301
Overweight Omen
Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection, a huge fat man will come who will not weigh, the weight of the wing of a mosquito in Allah's Sight." Sahih Bukhari 6:60:253
Wicked Wigs
Allah's Apostle has cursed the lady who uses false hair. Sahih Bukhari 6:60:409
A friend in need
The Prophet went out to answer the call of nature and asked me to bring three stones. I found two stones and searched for the third but could not find it. So I took a dried piece of dung and brought it to him. He took the two stones and threw away the dung and said, "This is a filthy thing." Sahih Bukhari 1:4:158
Homosexuality punishable with death but beastiality...
There is no prescribed punishment for one who has sexual intercourse with an animal. Abu Dawud 38:4450
Alcohol is forbidden, but camel urine...
The climate of Medina did not suit some people, so the Prophet ordered them to follow his shepherd, i.e. his camels, and drink their milk and urine (as a medicine). So they followed the shepherd that is the camels and drank their milk and urine till their bodies became healthy. Sahih Bukhari 7:71:590
source
Satan Urinated in My Ears
A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, "Satan urinated in his ears." Sahih Bukhari 2:21:245
Fight Polytheists by Trimming Moustache
The Messenger of Allah (may peace be opon him) said: Act against the polytheists, trim closely the moustache and grow beard. Sahih Muslim 2:500
Muttaqi (god-fearing) Monkeys
During the pre-lslamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them. Sahih Bukhari 5:58:188
Mohammed the Vampire
A man asked Anas, "What did you hear from the Prophet about garlic?" He said, "The Prophet said, 'Whoever has eaten this plant should neither come near us nor pray with us." Sahih Bukhari 1:12:815
Stone stole my Clothes
Moses was a modest person. He was never seen naked and Banu Isra'iI said: (He was afraid to expose his private part) because he had been suffering from scrotal hernia. He (one day) took bath in water and placed his garments upon a stone. The stone began to move on quickly. He followed that and struck it with the help of a stone (saying): O stone, my garment; O stone, my garments, O stone..... Sahih Bukhari 4:55:616
Trees as Informers
"I asked Masruq, ‘Who informed the Prophet about the Jinns at the night when they heard the Qur'an?’ He said, ‘Your father ‘Abdullah informed me that a tree informed the Prophet about them.’" Sahih Bukhari 5:58:199
A Crying Tree
The Prophet used to stand by a tree or a date-palm on Friday. Then an Ansari woman or man said. "O Allah's Apostle! Shall we make a pulpit for you?" He replied, "If you wish." So they made a pulpit for him and when it was Friday, he proceeded towards the pulpit (for delivering the sermon). The date-palm cried like a child! The Prophet descended (the pulpit) and embraced it while it continued moaning like a child being quieted. The Prophet said, "It was crying for (missing) what it used to hear of religious knowledge given near to it." Sahih Bukhari 4:56:784
Food glorifies Allah while being eaten
He said, "Bring the water remaining with you." The people brought a utensil containing a little water. He placed his hand in it and said, "Come to the blessed water, and the Blessing is from Allah." I saw the water flowing from among the fingers of Allah's Apostle , and no doubt, we heard the meal glorifying Allah, when it was being eaten (by him) Sahih Bukhari 4:56:779
A Saluting Stone
Samura reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying : I recognise the stone in Mecca which used to pay me salutations before my advent as a Prophet and I recognise that even now. Sahih Muslim 30:5654
Prophet shows how to Profit
A man mentioned to the Prophet that he had always been cheated in bargains. The Prophet said, "Whenever you do bargain, say, 'No cheating.'" Sahih Bukhari 9:86:94
Devil Sleeps in Our What?
The Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said. When any one of you awakes up from sleep and performs ablution, he must clean his nose three times, for the devil spends the night in the interior of his nose. Sahih Muslim 2:462
Abdomen contradicts Allah
A man came to the prophet and said, 'My brother has got loose motions. The Prophet said, Let him drink honey." The man again (came) and said, 'I made him drink (honey) but that made him worse.' The Prophet said, 'Allah has said the Truth, and the abdomen of your brother has told a lie." Sahih Bukhari 7:71:614
One Sneeze, Two Sneeze, Three Sneeze, Four
the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If a man sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, say, 'You have a cold'." Al-Muwatta 54 2.4
Allah loves sneezes (aacchoo!)
The Prophet said, "Allah loves sneezing but dislikes yawning; so if anyone of you sneezes and then praises Allah, every Muslim who hears him (praising Allah) has to say Tashmit to him. But as regards yawning, it is from Satan, so if one of you yawns, he should try his best to stop it, for when anyone of you yawns, Satan laughs at him." Sahih Bukhari 8:73:245
Interpretation of Dreams
Allah's Apostle said, "While I was sleeping I saw (in a dream) some people wearing shirts of which some were reaching up to the breasts only while others were even shorter than that. Umar bin Al-Khattab was shown wearing a shirt that he was dragging." The people asked, "How did you interpret it? (What is its interpretation) O Allah's Apostle?" He (the Prophet ) replied, "It is the Religion." Sahih Bukhari 1:2:22
Fever comes from heat of Hell
The Prophet said, "Fever is from the heat of Hell, so abate fever with water." Sahih Bukhari 7:71:621
The high status of women in Islam
The things which annul the prayers were mentioned before me. They said, "Prayer is annulled by a dog, a donkey and a woman (if they pass in front of the praying people)." I said, "You have made us (i.e. women) dogs. Sahih Bukhari 1:9:490
Pus Better than Poetry
We were going with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). As we reached the place (known as) Arj there met (us) a poet who had been reciting poetry. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Catch the satan or detain the satan, for filling the belly of a man with pus is better than stuffing his brain with poetry. Sahih Muslim 28:5611
Spit on Left for Protection Against Bad Dreams
The Prophet said, "A good dream that comes true is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan, so if anyone of you sees a bad dream, he should seek refuge with Allah from Satan and should spit on the left, for the bad dream will not harm him." Sahih Bukhari 9:87:115
Water mixed with menstrual clothes & Dead Dogs still clean
The people asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him): Can we perform ablution out of the well of Buda'ah, which is a well into which menstrual clothes, dead dogs and stinking things were thrown? He replied: Water is pure and is not defiled by anything. Sahih Muslim 1:66
Genetics 101
"A bedouin came to Allah's Apostle and said, "My wife has delivered a black child." The Prophet said to him, "Have you camels?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "What color are they?" He replied, "They are red." The Prophet further asked, "Are any of them gray in color?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet asked him, "Whence did that grayness come?" He said, "I think it descended from the camel's ancestors." Then the Prophet said (to him), "Therefore, this child of yours has most probably inherited the color from his ancestors." Sahih Bukhari 8:82:830
Satan ties three knots at back of our head while we sleep
Allah's Apostle said, "During your sleep, Satan knots three knots at the back of the head of each of you, and he breathes the following words at each knot, 'The night is, long, so keep on sleeping,' If that person wakes up and celebrates the praises of Allah, then one knot is undone, and when he performs ablution the second knot is undone, and when he prays, all the knots are undone, and he gets up in the morning lively and gay, otherwise he gets up dull and gloomy." Sahih Bukhari 4:54:491
Prophetic Buttocks
Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established till the buttocks of the women of the tribe of Daus move while going round Dhi-al-Khalasa." Sahih Bukhari 9:88:232
Stating the Obvious
I heard the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) as saying: The best places to sit are those which provide most room. Abu Dawud 41:4802
Say No to Green Jars and White Jars
I heard 'Abdullah bin Abi Aufa saying, "The Prophet forbade the use of green jars." I said, "Shall we drink out of white jars?" He said, "No." Sahih Bukhari 7:69:501
Could someone please lick my hands? Thank you
The Prophet said, 'When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else." Sahih Bukhari 7:65:366
Sinning with Silverware
(the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said, "He who drinks in silver utensils is only filling his abdomen with Hell Fire." Sahih Bukhari 7:69:538
The Art of dealing with a Fart
My uncle asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined to have passed wind during the prayer. Allah' Apostle replied: "He should not leave his prayers unless he hears sound or smells something." Sahih Bukhari 1:4:139
The Prophet forbade laughing at a person who passes wind. Sahih Bukhari 8:73:68
And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart. Tabari I 267
Dye your hair because Jews and Christians don't
The Prophet said, "Jews and Christians do not dye their hair so you should do the opposite of what they do. Sahih Bukhari 7:72:786
Comment: What if they use soap and brush their teeth?
One-shoe walks Outlawed
Allah's Apostle said, "None of you should walk, wearing one shoe only; he should either put on both shoes or put on no shoes whatsoever." Sahih Bukhari 7:72:746
Well Hello, Hello, Hello
Whenever Allah's Apostle greeted somebody, he used to greet him three times, and if he spoke a sentence, he used to repeat it thrice. Sahih Bukhari 8:74:261
Poke the Peeping Tom
"If any person peeps at you without your permission and you poke him with a stick and injure his eye, you will not be blamed." Sahih Bukhari 9:83:39
Muhammad chokes Satan with bare hands
The Prophet once offered the prayer and said, "Satan came in front of me and tried to interrupt my prayer, but Allah gave me an upper hand on him and I choked him. No doubt, I thought of tying him to one of the pillars of the mosque till you get up in the morning and see him. Then I remembered the statement of Prophet Solomon, 'My Lord ! Bestow on me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me.' Then Allah made him (Satan) return with his head down (humiliated)." Sahih Bukhari 2:22:301
Overweight Omen
Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection, a huge fat man will come who will not weigh, the weight of the wing of a mosquito in Allah's Sight." Sahih Bukhari 6:60:253
Wicked Wigs
Allah's Apostle has cursed the lady who uses false hair. Sahih Bukhari 6:60:409
A friend in need
The Prophet went out to answer the call of nature and asked me to bring three stones. I found two stones and searched for the third but could not find it. So I took a dried piece of dung and brought it to him. He took the two stones and threw away the dung and said, "This is a filthy thing." Sahih Bukhari 1:4:158
Homosexuality punishable with death but beastiality...
There is no prescribed punishment for one who has sexual intercourse with an animal. Abu Dawud 38:4450
Alcohol is forbidden, but camel urine...
The climate of Medina did not suit some people, so the Prophet ordered them to follow his shepherd, i.e. his camels, and drink their milk and urine (as a medicine). So they followed the shepherd that is the camels and drank their milk and urine till their bodies became healthy. Sahih Bukhari 7:71:590
source
