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Husband feeling unwanted/needed un appreciated during pregnancy

I

In Christ

Member
Hey everyone!

My wife is 8 months pregnant with our first TWO children. I'm typing this from my phone, so I'll jump right to the point. We haven't been intimate since about month 4/5. She doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do these days either. I know she is very uncomfortable, but is it normal for this to happen, and for me to feel this way?
 
YES on both counts..... it is normal... you will have time to understand when the babies arrive and you get to carry them all day with out stopping! This last month will seem to take for ever.... For most folks when the baby ( babies) arrive something in us changes and we tend to forget the tuff side of being pregnant we know tha cause most of us do it again :)
If you have any Christian buddies or a pastor pray with them they have most likely been there too.... a grandma
 
I agree whole-heartedly with Reba's comments. And would add this one as well: Since about halfway through the pregnancy, your wife has been concerned about losing the twins she's carrying. This is also normal for most women when carrying. There is a higher risk of twins being born prematurely, and of course this is going through your wife's thoughts for the past 4 months or so.

A bit of advice for after the babies are born: Start courting your wife anew. It's most likely going to take a bit for her to regain her figure, and most new moms are shy about the way they look as they wish to be desirable to their husbands. So leave little notes that express how much you love her. Bring her a cup of tea/milk/water/whatever and serve it "With love from your husband". And since it's dandelion season, pick a bouquet of dandelions and present them to her with a note that says: "Our babies which you have so tenderly and lovingly carried will someday bring bouquets like this to you with all their love. I love you, too!"

Blessings!
 
Hey In Christ, I know exactly how you feel. I have a 7 month old boy and a 26 month old girl. I am sorry to tell you but you probably won't be intimate with your wife again for a while. Have patients :). You are having twins! I will pray for you!

Pregnancies are emotionally tough to go through for your first one. There are so many unknowns. Be patient with your wife and tell her how you feel. Most likely she will reciprocate what you say and how you feel. Its important that both of you knew where you stand and how you feel. That sort of communication will bring you closer through this. You also need support from friends. I highly recommend you go out for a hang out night or two before the babies come. That will give you a breath of fresh air. Go hit a few baseballs or golf balls at the range have a beer if you drink. Do something where you dont have to worry or think about anything for a night.

AirDancer gave great advise. Its good for anyone who is married really. Once the babies come your wife will not feel very attractive. Start courting her again. It will be challenging because of the kids but that will just force you to be more creative.

I will be praying for you.
 
Hey, In Christ!

Congrats again on the babies! I have a 7 yr old girl, a 2 yr old girl, and a 9 month old boy. I've been down this road a time or three. ;)

You've been given great advice, especially from AirDancer. Every pregnancy is different. My wife didn't have these issues with our first and third, but your wife's situation sounds a lot like our second. Your wife is wracked with hormones and emotions that she can't control. Chances are even she can't really understand them. First and foremost, don't take it personally. I know some people spout about women's hormones being an excuse, but that is one thousand percent true in this case. It's really not her fault.

Second, like AirDancer said, the best thing you can do for her right now is make her feel special. Let her know you love her, and that you're there. I don't know how physical you usually are (I mean hugs and kisses and the like), but about a half dozen extra non-sexual hugs every day will go farther than you think. It's just a small thing that sends a big message to her. "I'm here, and I love you."

I know all women are different, but when it comes to "love and romance", my wife is very much what you'd call a "girly girl". By that I mean the smallest things I do send the biggest messages. Extra hugs, lean over and kiss her forehead for no reason at all. Little notes she'll find during the day. Stop by on the way home from work and get a pack of Reese's cups (her favorite candy). She's a big Nightmare Before Christmas fan, and once in the store I saw a book mark that had one of the characters on it. I bought it and she nearly cried when I gave it to her. My point is you know your wife's "Love Languages". Do everything you can to tell her you love her in every one of them.

Your wife's mind and body are pulling her 1000 different ways right now. Even if she's not showing appreciation, trust me, if you show her you're the one constant in your house right now, you will go a long way to helping her emotional and mental state.

I know I'm getting long-winded, but I'd say one of the most important things to do until the babies arrive is make time for just the two of you. Have a date night or three before "crunch time". It doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to be the two of you, with you courting her just like you did before marriage.

I'll finish with this - intimacy. I know as a man it's rough on our transmission when we don't drive the car for awhile. If it's a crucial thing for you - which it may well be - just talk to her lovingly. If you then get intimate, do everything you can to help her relax and get comfortable before hand. Candles, a massage, well - I doubt you need instruction there, you know what I'm saying. But if you're not, again - don't take it personally. Once the babies arrive and her body begins to get back to normal, that will come again. It's definitely not like it'll never happen again.

And - mostly because I think you need a chuckle, but also because I tell all expecting dad's this...

Assuming the birth is natural (not a c-section), your wife will probably tear and need a few stitches. If that's the case, don't believe the doctors when they tell you to wait 6 weeks before getting intimate again. Wait until she has a checkup afterward and you can be 100% certain the stitches are gone. I won't be crude or nasty, but they don't always dissolve in 6 weeks.

After our first daughter, we waited 9 weeks, "just to be on the safe side". Those "gone in 6 weeks" stitches were still there, and I have a scar to prove it.
 
Hey pal, i have to agree with everyone that has posted so far. I had went through and am going through the same thing, and you can't look at it like your unwanted, just gotta look at it as you have little one's who need complete attention. It's a sensitive time for everything but don't stress it!
 
My wife and I hardly argued at all for the first couple of years of our marriage. Then she got pregnant and we moved house, and she snapping at me all the time there for a while. She's gotten grumpy during other pregnancies and especially after.

One time though, she was upset with me about something during pregnancy all the time, it seemed. Really some underlying issues about her attitude and thoughts toward me were coming to the surface, so I prayed for her and asked the Lord to speak to her about it. Then she apologized to me, and instead of angry hormonal wife, she was really sweet hormonal wife, and more attentive to 'needs' like you mentioned in the OP.

The main thing is to love her. It's not good for your wife to be hypercritical. Not good for you, of course, but it's not good for her. If your wife is treating you badly, you should reprove her for it. If she's pregnant, though, you have to be extra-special careful. Also, really pray for her a lot. It's better for the Lord to correct things than for you to have to do it. He's very skillful at that.

As far as sex goes, yes your wife should take care of your needs. But on the other hand she is pregnant, and 8 months is a difficult time for her. They say some women have a spike in their sex drive during pregnancy. You can pray that will kick in. It could be a psychological thing where she is afraid it will hurt the baby. You do need to be more gentle if you two do anything. If there are problems, doctors may warn against physical intimacy. Usually, I think they give the green light, but of course you have to be gentle and careful.

If she's not willing, you can gently point out to her that she isn't meeting your needs, and see if there is something she can figure out to help you.

Treat her well, of course, and take good care of her while she is pregnant. Make her feels genuinely loved and protected. After childbirth, she may need a couple of months to heal up. There is something like a really long period after and a lot of major soreness.

Then there are the hormones right after childbirth. If these are the first kids, especially, she may be protective of them in irrational ways, thinking unharmful things might harm them, and irrationally grumpy. Hopefully your wife won't get sever post-partum blues. Try to avoid arguing during this time. It probably won't do any good.
 
reba said:
The self centeredness of some guys still amaze me at 66 years.
Click to expand...

There are SO many wonderful post in this thread from Godly husband, it's always a share when someone spoils it. I guess ignorance is their bless, certainly not their wife's.

If I were...never mind, hold your tongue, Deborah.
 
Some guys think a break in their married sexual relations as the end of it all or an excuse to carouse and maybe have an affair... many times guys I heard of doing this did so while their expectant wife was carrying their child.

You did not say you were to this point... but let me warn you ahead of time, do not deny yourself the blessing of receiving those babies into your life with a clean fidelity slate. The guys I knew who did otherwise had nothing but guilt which they had to mask when holding their newborn baby... so sad.

I don't want to go all Doctor Ruth on you guys (who? I'm showing my age here LOL) take a hot soapy shower when you are all knotted up with desire... so Christians faint at the notion of those kinds of suggestions but how can it be better to let the steam built up to a regrettable explosion of weakness sexually? And no Onanism was not masturbation it was the pull out method. And his sin was he was all willing to have sex with his brother's widow just not to the point of raising up heirs to his memory.

And feeling unwanted is part of it (pregnancy and marriage itself)... not ALL of it but certainly part of it. Think of it as a roller coaster. Lows will be followed by heights.
 
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