Hello everyone, i hope you are all doing well, my name is Mika, 21 years old and i am from the Netherlands! Last months i was in a pretty dark place regarding my faith and the church i normally go to (which is a Dutch reformed church on the lighter side of Calvinism) I am a church goer for 2 years now and was not raised Christian, me and my girlfriend are the only Christians in my group of loved ones but my parents are supportive and loving.
I hope i am not posting the wrong thing here or wasting anyone's time with this post but I do hope you have some wisdom of your own or recommendations for books or resources to share regarding these issues. I am currently still in a confusing and pretty depressing place regarding some Faith and life issues and they are making my life pretty hard to live for some reason. They are making my faith even harder to keep because i start doubting if all of this Christianity is true or not, I know for sure God exists in some way and i am very convinced of Jesus's resurrection based on the evidence but some things are making me very sad.
+disclaimer+ i will now get into the issues if you are scared of losing your faith or getting 'infected' by someone's doubts and losing your salvation you don't have to read this, much love anyways!
This is going to be a very long post and i hope you will read it but if you don't have the time, don't feel guilty!
I'll start by being grateful for life, I love life a lot. i am a very blessed guy i am starting a business in health/mental health-care together with my dad and my girlfriend would like to get involved in some time in the future as well and it is working out pretty well not making enough to move out yet but very grateful and i love what i do. I had to struggle really hard to get fit, start the business etc. God blessed me with the best girlfriend in the world who always supports me and we fill each others gaps perfectly. I've always loved nature and animals very much i feel the closest to God and the most at peace when in nature or watching a nature doc etc. So praise God, he also delivered me from my drug addictions and other bad lifestyle stuff, i am also grateful for my past as an addict because that gave me the experience to help people with my business.
I (just as everyone else) have also suffered a lot in this life but that does not break my worldview perse because i don't want to label situations good or bad, because i don't know what God wants to do with it on his timing, (a little thought experiment) lets say a meteor strikes this earth right now, it will feel horrible but it could be so that this earth scatters and seeds into 4 other earths within 5 billion years or so, that could result in 5 times the life and the progression of this universe and in some way God could intend his good with that (just a hypothetical to say that God is truly sovereign and knows Good from evil, we don't know it on that grand a scale).
With that being said i will get into the things i really wrestle with:
- Why do we as Christians and some writers in the bible use satan some type of opposite force to God or some scapegoat for evil if God also created him and us full knowing the evil that would happen (if you categorise evil in that way, i don't do that perse but the church i go to does and most Christian influencers do as well). That seems totally illogical to me why would God allow an enemy angel of Him to cause evil if killing satan would harm no humans or their free will. In the first and second temple Judaism this idea is also not really present but mostly in the Hellenistic period it starts to come into play. Modern rabbinic Judaism also has a more 'God is in control' idea that seems a lot more logical to me.
- Why should i hate this world and always look to the next world, or always value what happens after i die more then this life on this side of eternity, that also seems very weird keeping in mind my first struggle, God created this world so why hate it all it makes me question Gods ability to create something good, i have seen a lot of community's completely isolate themselves from the world with exception of evangelising (lots of respect for that though). I struggle a lot with having my centre of gravity, so to speak, on being saved from hell after i die, this completely killed my will to live, to do good, try to make the world a better place by God's spirit working in me and to love my parents and loved ones who are not believers (who would, by proxy of this doctrine, be sent to infinite hell for finite transgressions or thought crimes of not thinking the gospel is true).
- Why did God make people to be sent to hell anyways or this world and universe even if it should all be destroyed eternally and renewed only for the people of my specific religion (i know this is a byproduct of Calvinism so you don't have to address this if you don't believe He causally determines everything). The doctrine of penal substitutionary atonement is where i laid my diagnosis for this struggle, once again makes me question God's ability to create if all is condemned to hell by default and only the ones who believe that and accept Jesus will be living in eternal bliss in the next age. It makes me feel so incredibly dead inside that i wanted to actually grill myself if you know what i mean. Makes it seem as if every good thing that i try to do With God powering my every being just does not matter because it will not get me to 'be saved' or my parents and friends who have been through so much. I would gladly go to hell to know my parents to not go so i don't get it at all.
To be honest, i don't blame people for rejecting this version of Christianity because they did not chose to be born, none of us did, and there still is a lot felt suffering among all beings, aswell as a lot of joy i don't see the patterns of real life matching up to this religion perse.
The people i know that rejected Christian teaching like my dad and my mom don't say they reject Jesus, they just struggled with the same things i do know after 2 years in Christianity, and they started living for this life because these issues made them not think Christianity is true anymore.
Once again we did not chose to be born so a lot of the analogy's I commonly hear don't really work when talking about eternal punishment or Penal Substitutionary Atonement, same with literal hell or heaven. They kind of get less convincing for me especially with the whole God is always in control theme the old testament wisdom literature brings like proverbs, Job and especially Ecclesiastes (my favourite old testament book). God being in control over everything is a hard pill to swallow but it gives you tremendous peace if you can accept it (which i did before becoming Christian) i was convinced of Judaism (noahidism) before i was convinced of Jesus's resurrection. And the longer i have been in Christianity the more depressed and suicidal i have gotten. I took a long break from church and went back to just reading bible and limiting my Christian content consumption to a select few and my depression got the edge taken off. Note: before Christianity i was not depressed at all, i was very peaceful and purposeful to live for God in jewish or even non religious context.
I may read a bit aggressive here and maybe a bit judgemental in my attacks or critiques, i hope i have not offended anyone but i am just looking for a way to live as God wants me to live and to do as much good by His power as i possibly can. Also having my purpose back to do good on this world would be nice because every Sunday after church has made me increasingly more depressed
English is not my first language so forgive me for the weird grammar. I hope someone has some wisdom to share with me, please hold me accountable if i have any contradictions in this text i wont get offended i love discussion!
thanks a lot and much love from the Netherlands, if anyone is open for 1 on 1 discussion i am very open too. God bless friends!
I hope i am not posting the wrong thing here or wasting anyone's time with this post but I do hope you have some wisdom of your own or recommendations for books or resources to share regarding these issues. I am currently still in a confusing and pretty depressing place regarding some Faith and life issues and they are making my life pretty hard to live for some reason. They are making my faith even harder to keep because i start doubting if all of this Christianity is true or not, I know for sure God exists in some way and i am very convinced of Jesus's resurrection based on the evidence but some things are making me very sad.
+disclaimer+ i will now get into the issues if you are scared of losing your faith or getting 'infected' by someone's doubts and losing your salvation you don't have to read this, much love anyways!
This is going to be a very long post and i hope you will read it but if you don't have the time, don't feel guilty!
I'll start by being grateful for life, I love life a lot. i am a very blessed guy i am starting a business in health/mental health-care together with my dad and my girlfriend would like to get involved in some time in the future as well and it is working out pretty well not making enough to move out yet but very grateful and i love what i do. I had to struggle really hard to get fit, start the business etc. God blessed me with the best girlfriend in the world who always supports me and we fill each others gaps perfectly. I've always loved nature and animals very much i feel the closest to God and the most at peace when in nature or watching a nature doc etc. So praise God, he also delivered me from my drug addictions and other bad lifestyle stuff, i am also grateful for my past as an addict because that gave me the experience to help people with my business.
I (just as everyone else) have also suffered a lot in this life but that does not break my worldview perse because i don't want to label situations good or bad, because i don't know what God wants to do with it on his timing, (a little thought experiment) lets say a meteor strikes this earth right now, it will feel horrible but it could be so that this earth scatters and seeds into 4 other earths within 5 billion years or so, that could result in 5 times the life and the progression of this universe and in some way God could intend his good with that (just a hypothetical to say that God is truly sovereign and knows Good from evil, we don't know it on that grand a scale).
With that being said i will get into the things i really wrestle with:
- Why do we as Christians and some writers in the bible use satan some type of opposite force to God or some scapegoat for evil if God also created him and us full knowing the evil that would happen (if you categorise evil in that way, i don't do that perse but the church i go to does and most Christian influencers do as well). That seems totally illogical to me why would God allow an enemy angel of Him to cause evil if killing satan would harm no humans or their free will. In the first and second temple Judaism this idea is also not really present but mostly in the Hellenistic period it starts to come into play. Modern rabbinic Judaism also has a more 'God is in control' idea that seems a lot more logical to me.
- Why should i hate this world and always look to the next world, or always value what happens after i die more then this life on this side of eternity, that also seems very weird keeping in mind my first struggle, God created this world so why hate it all it makes me question Gods ability to create something good, i have seen a lot of community's completely isolate themselves from the world with exception of evangelising (lots of respect for that though). I struggle a lot with having my centre of gravity, so to speak, on being saved from hell after i die, this completely killed my will to live, to do good, try to make the world a better place by God's spirit working in me and to love my parents and loved ones who are not believers (who would, by proxy of this doctrine, be sent to infinite hell for finite transgressions or thought crimes of not thinking the gospel is true).
- Why did God make people to be sent to hell anyways or this world and universe even if it should all be destroyed eternally and renewed only for the people of my specific religion (i know this is a byproduct of Calvinism so you don't have to address this if you don't believe He causally determines everything). The doctrine of penal substitutionary atonement is where i laid my diagnosis for this struggle, once again makes me question God's ability to create if all is condemned to hell by default and only the ones who believe that and accept Jesus will be living in eternal bliss in the next age. It makes me feel so incredibly dead inside that i wanted to actually grill myself if you know what i mean. Makes it seem as if every good thing that i try to do With God powering my every being just does not matter because it will not get me to 'be saved' or my parents and friends who have been through so much. I would gladly go to hell to know my parents to not go so i don't get it at all.
To be honest, i don't blame people for rejecting this version of Christianity because they did not chose to be born, none of us did, and there still is a lot felt suffering among all beings, aswell as a lot of joy i don't see the patterns of real life matching up to this religion perse.
The people i know that rejected Christian teaching like my dad and my mom don't say they reject Jesus, they just struggled with the same things i do know after 2 years in Christianity, and they started living for this life because these issues made them not think Christianity is true anymore.
Once again we did not chose to be born so a lot of the analogy's I commonly hear don't really work when talking about eternal punishment or Penal Substitutionary Atonement, same with literal hell or heaven. They kind of get less convincing for me especially with the whole God is always in control theme the old testament wisdom literature brings like proverbs, Job and especially Ecclesiastes (my favourite old testament book). God being in control over everything is a hard pill to swallow but it gives you tremendous peace if you can accept it (which i did before becoming Christian) i was convinced of Judaism (noahidism) before i was convinced of Jesus's resurrection. And the longer i have been in Christianity the more depressed and suicidal i have gotten. I took a long break from church and went back to just reading bible and limiting my Christian content consumption to a select few and my depression got the edge taken off. Note: before Christianity i was not depressed at all, i was very peaceful and purposeful to live for God in jewish or even non religious context.
I may read a bit aggressive here and maybe a bit judgemental in my attacks or critiques, i hope i have not offended anyone but i am just looking for a way to live as God wants me to live and to do as much good by His power as i possibly can. Also having my purpose back to do good on this world would be nice because every Sunday after church has made me increasingly more depressed
English is not my first language so forgive me for the weird grammar. I hope someone has some wisdom to share with me, please hold me accountable if i have any contradictions in this text i wont get offended i love discussion!
thanks a lot and much love from the Netherlands, if anyone is open for 1 on 1 discussion i am very open too. God bless friends!