I hate myself

[dave91]

Ok I hesitated to create this thread because I already posted my testimony a month ago in this same section and adressed the question about my willful sins and whether or not I could be forgiven. It's at the bottom of this section, for those who wants to see.

I got very good replies but I'm still gonna post this (I apologize to those who answered my other thread) because I still don't feel forgiven, and I just can't get used to the idea that I could be forgiven. It's the last time I adress this question I promise. I will not rewrite my testimony, but I just want to put more emphasis on the fact that after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad. And my fall implied that I took the grace of God for granted and as a licence to sin. I had this stupid mentality of enjoying my sins for a while and repent later. I remained in that state for 5 years. During that horrible time my conscience would continually warn me to repent, but I kept ignoring it, saying "later but not now". I denied Jesus by my actions and even one time by my words. I think I apostasied.

I am terrified and I'm shaking just writing what I just wrote. I just can't believe how FOOL I could be. Can God really forgive that ? I'm always told that as long as I am truly repentant and that I truly want Jesus I can be forgiven and I understand that. But I don't feel like I'm sincere when I repent. I am totally disgusted about what I've done but I don't feel like my regrets are toward God, but rather on all the bad effects that my sins have on me. Also, I really struggle to obey God's will. I wish I could, but it's VERY hard for me to do. I got rid of all my sins, but I just do nothing with my life now, I'm just completely destroyed. Do I still have a chance ? I really don't think so because I don't feel restored at all, and the bible has so many verses that condemn the type of behaviour and mentality that I had. So if I'm right, that would mean that I'm doomed and I wasn't part of the elects that God predestined to have mercy on, which leads me to other questionnings.

Why did God let me lose myself ? I'm 31 years old and I've always known the Gospel. I had all my life to repent and commit my life to God, but I failed to recognize the importance of God and the Gospel, it's my fault. But on the other hand, it's God who draw people to Him. So I'm disgusted with myself about all the bad choices that I made in my life, but at the same time God hasn't enlightened me about my pitiful state of sinner. Why ? And why did he allow me to have a false conversion when I was 19, and then fall away so badly ? Because at this time, I really thought that I gave my life to God but I didn't. I was deceived. Why did he let all that happen ? How could I be such a FOOL and mess up my life and my soul THAT MUCH ? Sorry, I really had to get this out.

 

[Tenchi]

My intention ? I just want God to change my heart because I am completely messed up inside. And I just want to have a relationship with Him because this word is so dark without Him and I am totally lost without Him by my sins and my dead works... Dead works and sins are the only things that I can produce, and without Him there's nothing i can do about that and my eternity will be the result of that. It scares me just to think about it.

You know, it's a difficult, even scary, place to be in where you want God to change your heart but you know that, if it's up to you, you just won't live the way He wants you to. This is the place the apostle Paul described in Romans 7:14-21.The Spirit within prompts you toward God, toward the life He has called you to live with Him, but your "old man" (Romans 6:6), the person you were before trusting in Christ as your Savior and Lord, has well-set fleshly, sinful habits of thinking and behavior that you just won't be able to shake off by yourself. Paul was keenly aware of how impossible it was for him to obey God, to walk in fellowship with Him, in the strength of his own human mind and will, by his own human ability to force himself to live God's way.

Romans 7:18-24 (NASB)
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.
19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.
20 But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.
22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man,
23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

Romans 8:5-8 (NASB)
5 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.
6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace,
7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so,
8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Yikes. The Spirit within Paul was provoking him toward God, but Paul's "old, fleshly man" was interfering powerfully - so much so that Paul wrote: "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24) Paul went on to explain how he could live in joyful, consistent obedience and fellowship with God, emphasizing that God's way wasn't to remediate Paul's "old man," to improve his carnal, fleshly Self, but to put him to death!

Romans 6:1-12 (NASB)
1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase?
2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?
3 Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death?
4 Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
5 For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection,
6 knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin;
7 for he who has died is freed from sin.
8 Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him,
9 knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again; death no longer is master over Him.
10 For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God.
11 Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts,

In the above passage, Paul explained that the born-again person was united spiritually with Jesus in his death on the cross of Calvary. How, exactly, Paul doesn't say, but the result of this spiritual union with Christ is the death of the "old man." The old, rebellious, sin-prone, flesh-focused person we are without God, without His Spirit within us, has been put on Christ's cross and is held there powerless as we by faith count on it being true. (Romans 6:11) Just as we must believe that we are saved by the crucifixion of Christ on the cross and have an eternal home with God waiting for us on the far side of death's door, we must also believe that, by our co-crucifixion with Christ, we have been separated from our "old man" and given new, spiritual identity and life in Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:17; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-4). Only as the born-again believer counts on this being true in the face of temptation, do they begin to experience the truth of it in their daily living.

Romans 8:9-14 (NASB)
9 However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him.
10 If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness.
11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.
12 So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh—
13 for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

Here's how Paul left behind the struggle of Romans 7. In the face of temptation, he believed the truth that he was raised into new, spiritual life in Jesus Christ, in his "second birth" indwelt by the Holy Spirit, the "Spirit of Christ" (vs. 9) and in him possessing everything needed to "live godly in Christ Jesus." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20; 1 John 4:13; Ephesians 3:16; 2 Corinthians 3:18) And then, Paul presented himself as a "living sacrifice to God" (Romans 12:1), at every crossroads of choice between his will and way and God's, choosing God's way by submitting himself to God.

Continued below.

 

[Tenchi]

As Paul explained in the above passage, "putting to death the deeds of the body" involved "being led of the Spirit." That is, he chose all throughout every day to be under the control and guidance of the Holy Spirit, like Christ in Gethsemane, facing the struggle with the flesh, not with self-discipline and force of will, but with surrender to God.

Romans 6:13-16 (NASB)
13 and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.
14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!
16 Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?

Paul's prescription, then, for freedom from a life of sin and dead works was twofold:

1.) By faith count on one's spiritual identity in Jesus Christ.
2.) Throughout every day, live in constant, conscious submission to God.

As the Christian person lives in this way, God goes to work on what they desire, on this most fundamental level, altering who they are, bringing the natural desires He's given them under His control and establishing proper boundaries upon them, dissolving and replacing evil desires with an over-riding desire to know and walk with Himself. This is not an overnight thing, happening in an instant, but occurs progressively as the child of God follows more and more consistently Paul's "way of escape" from any and all sin described above.

Of course, doing what is described above requires a good knowledge of God's will and way. How does one recognize a cross-road of choice between God's way and the way of sin and death if one does not know what God's will is? And so, in tandem with living by faith in one's identity in Christ and living in daily submission to God, one must also be feeding regularly and well on the "sincere milk of the word of God." (1 Peter 2:2; Psalm 1; Psalm 119:105; Matthew 4:4; 2 Timothy 3:16-17).

Most who are struggling - and often failing - to enter into the abundant life God has invited them to enjoy with Himself, when shown the "way of escape" balk at it, wanting something simpler, and faster, something that isn't so contrary to their normal way of living. But God's ways aren't our ways; the way up with God is down. And in all that God's does in our lives, He does, not to improve us, to make us better versions of ourselves, but to overtake and fill us with Himself, with the life of Jesus Christ. Realizing this, many children of God hesitate and some even withdraw from the surrendered, crucified life that is the normal Christian life, the life for which they were made. Will you? I hope and pray not.

1 Peter 5:5-6 (NASB)
5 God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,

James 4:10 (NASB)
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

Philippians 3:7-8 (NASB)
7 But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.
8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,

2 Corinthians 4:6-10 (NASB)
6 For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

 

[dave91]

As Paul explained in the above passage, "putting to death the deeds of the body" involved "being led of the Spirit." That is, he chose all throughout every day to be under the control and guidance of the Holy Spirit, like Christ in Gethsemane, facing the struggle with the flesh, not with self-discipline and force of will, but with surrender to God.

Romans 6:13-16 (NASB)
13 and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.
14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!
16 Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?

Paul's prescription, then, for freedom from a life of sin and dead works was twofold:

1.) By faith count on one's spiritual identity in Jesus Christ.
2.) Throughout every day, live in constant, conscious submission to God.

As the Christian person lives in this way, God goes to work on what they desire, on this most fundamental level, altering who they are, bringing the natural desires He's given them under His control and establishing proper boundaries upon them, dissolving and replacing evil desires with an over-riding desire to know and walk with Himself. This is not an overnight thing, happening in an instant, but occurs progressively as the child of God follows more and more consistently Paul's "way of escape" from any and all sin described above.

Of course, doing what is described above requires a good knowledge of God's will and way. How does one recognize a cross-road of choice between God's way and the way of sin and death if one does not know what God's will is? And so, in tandem with living by faith in one's identity in Christ and living in daily submission to God, one must also be feeding regularly and well on the "sincere milk of the word of God." (1 Peter 2:2; Psalm 1; Psalm 119:105; Matthew 4:4; 2 Timothy 3:16-17).

Most who are struggling - and often failing - to enter into the abundant life God has invited them to enjoy with Himself, when shown the "way of escape" balk at it, wanting something simpler, and faster, something that isn't so contrary to their normal way of living. But God's ways aren't our ways; the way up with God is down. And in all that God's does in our lives, He does, not to improve us, to make us better versions of ourselves, but to overtake and fill us with Himself, with the life of Jesus Christ. Realizing this, many children of God hesitate and some even withdraw from the surrendered, crucified life that is the normal Christian life, the life for which they were made. Will you? I hope and pray not.

1 Peter 5:5-6 (NASB)
5 God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,

James 4:10 (NASB)
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

Philippians 3:7-8 (NASB)
7 But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.
8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,

2 Corinthians 4:6-10 (NASB)
6 For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves;
8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

Yes I understand. But so far, since I've been trying to get right with God and change my life, I haven't managed to get there. I'm just unable to rest in Jesus and to let His Spirit operate His work within me. I feel like an impostor and a hypocrite, who wholly and willfully betrayed Jesus and denied Him by his deeds for that many years, and now realizing his pitiful state without Him and therefore trying to come back. Now I keep looking within myself and I can see how corrupted, how bad I am, and even scarier how naturally rebel I am by my fleshy desires that keeps me away from God.

So with all I've done, and with all I am and have become by my stupid willful sins, it feels very hard, not to say impossible to approach God with a total faith that he will take me and restore me. I do try, I try to trust that he not only forgives me but will heal me and give me a new start. But then I look at myself and except that I abstain from sinning, I see no changes. I hate my sins because I can see they are disgusting and immoral, especially in the eyes of God, but at the same time I know that despite that my heart still has an attraction for them. I wish I could genuinely hate them from the bottom of my heart. I keep praying God that he delivers me entirely from them and makes me love Him and gives me the freedom to worship Him and serve Him with a heart full of love but he doesn't. So I doubt and I feel left down. Maybe I should be more patient and more obedient for the little things. I don't know.

What do you mean when you say that some children of God withdraw from surrendering to God ? You say they expected a simpler way. What do you refer to ?

 

[Anaphora]

The spirit and flesh are at tug of war. The spirit is obedience to God and flesh is disobedience. Psalm 104 is about God's wisdom and power. He created everything. He cares enough to water and feed animals. Ocean is plenty big enough for whales and dolphins and fish to play, and move around. God gives wine, bread and oil to make heart of man glad. Psalm 89:8. O Lord God of hosts, Who is a strong Lord, like unto thee? Or to Thy faithfulness round about Thee? 89:9. Thou rules the raging of the sea: When the waves thereof arise, Thou stills them. Friend, Jesus is faithful to forgive sins by repentance. Your doubting God, that's not good. I did bad things long time ago, before I converted to being Christian. God forgave, because I repented, and have faith to trust God. Stop the guilt trip and Trust Jesus !.we have gravity on earth. Without it, we would float out into space. God cares about His children, and the beasts of the earth. God forgives sins by repentance, and after that, Jesus doesn't want to hear about it again. Its forgiven. Stop doubting yourself, and God. 8918. For the Lord is our defense; And the Holy One of Israel is our king. GANAN in Hebrew means/ Shield, protect. Jesus protects the children of light. God is their 24 hours day to Help. Gods hotline is easy to reach. Just repent, and pray to God. Ask Jesus to help you with your faith or weakness. Didn't we read in verse 8, WHO IS A STRONG LORD. Jesus is our Shield, our King, our Redeemer. PEACE.

 

[Zeth4500]

the tree that grows into the heavens has roots in hell, it all makes sense in the end. no sour- no sweet.

 

[Edward]

Ok I hesitated to create this thread because I already posted my testimony a month ago in this same section and adressed the question about my willful sins and whether or not I could be forgiven. It's at the bottom of this section, for those who wants to see.

I got very good replies but I'm still gonna post this (I apologize to those who answered my other thread) because I still don't feel forgiven, and I just can't get used to the idea that I could be forgiven. It's the last time I adress this question I promise. I will not rewrite my testimony, but I just want to put more emphasis on the fact that after receiving the knowledge of the truth, tasted the good Word, tasted the Holy Spirit, I fell away very bad. And my fall implied that I took the grace of God for granted and as a licence to sin. I had this stupid mentality of enjoying my sins for a while and repent later. I remained in that state for 5 years. During that horrible time my conscience would continually warn me to repent, but I kept ignoring it, saying "later but not now". I denied Jesus by my actions and even one time by my words. I think I apostasied.

I am terrified and I'm shaking just writing what I just wrote. I just can't believe how FOOL I could be. Can God really forgive that ? I'm always told that as long as I am truly repentant and that I truly want Jesus I can be forgiven and I understand that. But I don't feel like I'm sincere when I repent. I am totally disgusted about what I've done but I don't feel like my regrets are toward God, but rather on all the bad effects that my sins have on me. Also, I really struggle to obey God's will. I wish I could, but it's VERY hard for me to do. I got rid of all my sins, but I just do nothing with my life now, I'm just completely destroyed. Do I still have a chance ? I really don't think so because I don't feel restored at all, and the bible has so many verses that condemn the type of behaviour and mentality that I had. So if I'm right, that would mean that I'm doomed and I wasn't part of the elects that God predestined to have mercy on, which leads me to other questionnings.

Why did God let me lose myself ? I'm 31 years old and I've always known the Gospel. I had all my life to repent and commit my life to God, but I failed to recognize the importance of God and the Gospel, it's my fault. But on the other hand, it's God who draw people to Him. So I'm disgusted with myself about all the bad choices that I made in my life, but at the same time God hasn't enlightened me about my pitiful state of sinner. Why ? And why did he allow me to have a false conversion when I was 19, and then fall away so badly ? Because at this time, I really thought that I gave my life to God but I didn't. I was deceived. Why did he let all that happen ? How could I be such a FOOL and mess up my life and my soul THAT MUCH ? Sorry, I really had to get this out.

Let me see if I have this straight Brother. You got saved at 19 and fell back into sin and your conscience is bothering you about it but you ignore that and think repent later may work also?

Understand that when you got born again, you were born again in spirit. Your flesh did not change, your soul and carnal self did not change. So you didn't feel saved and it feels even worse now.

May I make two assumptions? You stopped praying to God? You don't read His word to you?

If you have pretty much stopped praying to Him and don't learn his will through the bible, then He doesn't have a lot of options left to bless you and help you grow in Christ, right? What God is known to do in these situations is to speak to a man through his conscience. And you yourself said that your conscience is giving you a hard time! That, my friend, is proof thatthe Holy Spirit is still inside of you and He makes you feel conviction about your sins. He is screaming to you to stop sinning.

That said, we come to the small mistake you are making. When you were expressing your feelings about your situation, you described the conviction you feel and ignore, and you describe feelings of condemnation also, many times. So my Friend and Brother, learn the difference between, "conviction" and "condemnation".

The Lord will convict you to nudge you in the proper direction to take. Listen to your conscience! The Lord will not make you feel condemnation. He is there for forgiveness.

The enemy puts those thoughts of condemnation in your head. They are lies! Do not listen to them. Know who is talking in your head. God and conscience speak to do right and life, and the soul & the enemy always speak of rebellion and death. You got plopped in the middle there and must choose between the two, daily. Therin is your walk.

It sounds like you are leaning towards a belief in your doomed state because you don't feel transformed by God...? Is that right? Then if you want to feel transformed by God and be able to perceive His presence with you, then I can point your in the right direction on how to do that for yourself.

Romans 12:2
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.../KJV

You know how to live in the flesh and all those fun tings which are sin and you know it. Do you think that you could go one day without sinning? Have you ever tried it?

But as a born again child of God, you have the responsibility to seek out God and learn who He is. Much of this can be done through reading His Word. It get's easier and you understand a little bit more each time you read it because the Holy Spirit will reveal things to you every time. The bible is a big way that God speaks to us. As we read He will cause us to see similarities between it and your life circumstance. Continued reading and praying is what transforms you and you get to feel transformed at that point because you have gained the understanding and renewed your mind.

You have to start trusting God at some point if you don't want to be doomed. Pray to Him and repent from your sins and at least be willing to try. Ask forgiveness and then Believe Him!

Tell those voices that are telling you that it's too late for you, to shut up because the truth is you have been saved. Trust God, believe your conscience!

King David had an affair with a soldiers wife and then had the husband killed to cover it up. Yet the bible says that King David is a man after God's own heart. How could that be?

Because King David knew his mistake and repented and asked forgiveness and chose to keep his faith instead of the condemnation that he likely surely felt.

You have it in you to do the same thing. But where has your trust in God been expressed? Have you asked forgiveness? So why choose to not believe Him?

Go read Psalm 91 that is such a good promise chapter and is very encouraging to ones faith.

 

[Edward]

Yes, some leave God. I'm not the first. But there's a difference between falling out of weakness and delibarately remaining in a sinful life, thinking "I'll repent later"

That is such, uh, incorrectness. You are an eternal being but so far have only mostly been taught how to live in the flesh. You haven't really learned to live in the spirit yet have you? So why can't you give yourself a break? You make it sound like God sees you as an evil genius fit for condemnation, lol!

Two million years from now when we are with the Lord and look back at this time, you will say, yeah the first hundred years was the hardest. I was so stupid back then! 31 years old and thought I was done for.

Brother, you can not get God to walk away from you. It is you who walks away from Him to make your own choices.

 

[Edward]

it feels very hard, not to say impossible to approach God with a total faith that he will take me and restore me.

Romans 10:17
17 So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.../

For more faith listen to the word of God, read the word of God, and do what your conscience says to do. Your faith will never grow in you by magic. You have to read the bible. You have to listen to your conscience and pray. That is when your faith is encouraged and reinforced.

 

[Tenchi]

Yes I understand. But so far, since I've been trying to get right with God and change my life, I haven't managed to get there.

Well, I'm afraid what you've written here reveals that you don't actually understand.

I'm just unable to rest in Jesus and to let His Spirit operate His work within me.

It's God's work to make you able to rest and yield to His Spirit's control, not yours. Your "job," if you like, is to get out of His way, to consciously submit yourself to God and stay submitted. This isn't something you do because you feel like doing it; it's what is necessary to walking with God. Think of it this way: Do people visit the dentist because they enjoy injections of anaesthetic, and root canals, and fillings? No. They go because of the benefit to their teeth of doing so. It's costly, and uncomfortable, and time-consuming but necessary for good dental health. And so, they go to the dentist even when they'd rather not. So, too, with God. At times, especially early on in one's walk with God, one may not feel strongly like submitting to God's will and way. The idea might even be a bit scary. But the ONLY way to really walk with God is in constant submission to Him; submission to Him all the time is a non-negotiable. As the born-again person submits, God goes to work on what they desire, changing their heart and mind, so that they come to deeply, passionately desire Him and His will and way. If you wait around, though, for God to make you feel like submitting to Himself, you'll find your spiritual "teeth" rotting out of your head while you do, causing you all sorts of pain and irreversible damage.

I feel like an impostor and a hypocrite, who wholly and willfully betrayed Jesus and denied Him by his deeds for that many years, and now realizing his pitiful state without Him and therefore trying to come back. Now I keep looking within myself and I can see how corrupted, how bad I am, and even scarier how naturally rebel I am by my fleshy desires that keeps me away from God.

And here's why you're stuck: You're looking at you, not God. No one ever became more like Christ by staring at their own weakness and failures. Take Paul's advice:

Philippians 3:12-14 (NASB)
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

If you're running a race and intend to finish it, or maybe even win it, you've got to have your eyes fixed on the finish line. I mean, when's the last time you saw an Olympic sprinter gawking at his shoes as he sprinted down the race course, or staring at himself in a mirror? Well, we can't run the "race" set before us spiritually if we're always looking at ourselves and wishing we were better. The Bible commands us to look elsewhere:

2 Corinthians 3:18 (NASB)
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Hebrews 12:2-3 (NASB)
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

God's made us all to be conformed to whatever we focus on. Companies spend billions every year on advertising, knowing that this is true. And so, if we focus on ourselves, guess what we'll be conformed to? If, in daily submission to him, we fix our eyes on Jesus instead, we will find ourselves, in time, shaped to his image by the Holy Spirit. This is how God intends to transform you, not by your self-condemnation and regret.

So with all I've done, and with all I am and have become by my stupid willful sins, it feels very hard, not to say impossible to approach God with a total faith that he will take me and restore me.

This is just pride, really, in a perverse and subtle form. Your sin is not greater than God's mercy, love and grace. (Romans 5:20) And, anyway, God never accepts any one of us because we're good enough, or clean enough, or obedient enough. The only reason God accepts you and I is because we have, by faith, trusted in Christ as our Savior and Lord.

Titus 3:5-7 (NASB)
5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,
6 whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
7 so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Every one of us comes to Christ a foul, disgusting sinner, soiled by sin and reeking of its corruption. But God loves us anyway, for Christ's sake receiving us as His own (Ephesians 2:1-10; John 1:10-12). Amazing, no? God would be well within His rights to toss the lot of us into hell, but, instead, in Christ, He has reached out to us in love and mercy, offering to us fellowship with Himself. How good and great He is! Wow.

I hate my sins because I can see they are disgusting and immoral, especially in the eyes of God, but at the same time I know that despite that my heart still has an attraction for them.

Right. This is exactly why you need God, not you, to work to change you. He can dissolve your old, wicked desires, creating new, godly desires within you. But you, well, you can only ever produce more of you - of your carnal, sinful selfishness. So, get out of His way. Submit yourself to Him, regardless of what you feel or want. Fix your eyes upon Jesus, considering his astonishing love for you, his holiness, and courage, and wisdom. By faith, wait upon God to make you godly.

Philippians 2:13 (NASB)
13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
Philippians 4:13 (NASB)
13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (NASB)
23 Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

I keep praying God that he delivers me entirely from them and makes me love Him and gives me the freedom to worship Him and serve Him with a heart full of love but he doesn't. So I doubt and I feel left down.

God will "deliver you entirely" - but not instantly, which is what most mean when they pray for "deliverance." It took a process to bring you into your current, sinful condition and God will use a process to bring you into a new condition of daily fellowship with Himself. In that process, He will teach you His truth, create in you various spiritual "reflexes," and stabilize you in your faith, in all of these things drawing you deeper and deeper into communion with Himself. But, like any relationship, this all takes time.

God cannot make you love Him more. By definition, love cannot be compelled; you always choose what you love. God has, however, given you incredible reason to love Him, in Christ showing to you His mind-boggling love for you. Will you respond in love to what He has done?

1 John 4:19
19 We love him, because he first loved us.

You know, the Bible says that God has placed His Spirit within each of those whom He has adopted as one of His own and in the Spirit has "shed abroad His love in their hearts." (Romans 5:5) Many of God's children don't manifest this divine love in their conduct or attitudes, though. Why? Because the Holy Spirit will not force himself upon those in whom he dwells. They must consciously agree to His transformation of them, filling them with himself and the love that he is. This agreement is given by daily submission to God, to the Holy Spirit, in everything. Whether I'm brushing my teeth, driving my car to work, buying groceries, talking with my wife, teaching a discipleship class, etc., I ought to be submitted to God. And as I am, the Spirit acts to fill me up with himself, with the love that he is, and as he does, I find myself desiring (loving) God more and more. Again, this is a process, not an instantaneous event, in which I have to daily invest my "treasure" (time, energy, money), just like in every love-relationship I have with another person (Matthew 6:21).

What do you mean when you say that some children of God withdraw from surrendering to God ? You say they expected a simpler way. What do you refer to ?

See above.

 

[miamited]

Hi dave91

It's all about the heart, my friend. We all fall short, even after coming to faith in Jesus. Look at Peter and he'd spent 3 years walking side by side with the Lord. But your problem is deeper than your shame of sin. You don't seem to have yet taken to heart the promises that God has made to you...if you really love Him.

Jesus said that any sin will be forgiven men, except the sin of blasphemy of the Spirit. I believe that means that we deny the truth of God in our lives, even when/if one of His children sins. I think John wrote this for you:

If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.

This tells us that if we are living in darkness, that means actively seeking after wickedness rather than righteousness, and claim to be his, we are lying to ourselves.

Now that could be your case. However, John goes on to say:
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

But then John continues on:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
So, as I understand your situation, you fall into two possible categories of people upon the earth.

You don't really love God, even though you know to say that to people who ask. Do you really spend time with Him in prayer or thoughts? You've attached yourself to a body of believers, but your heart's really not into it.

Or two, you do love God, and God knows that, but you are feeling shame due to your continued sin. That's a good thing. That means that the Holy Spirit is convicting you of both sin and righteousness.

Now, you do need to turn from your sin, but it can take time and perseverance to overcome the sin nature, even after we confess faith in the Lord. I think Paul was talking about this when he instructed us on his own life's struggle with sin. He decried that his heart knew what he needed to do but his sin nature was constantly at war with his heart.

So, for me, that means that God forgives our sin, if we complete the final step that John wrote to us to do: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

So, I'd encourage you to do just what the Scriptures instruct in such a situation. Sit down and examine yourself. Seek God's forgiveness for your sins. Strive, through prayer and supplication to the Lord for victory over any habitual sin. But most importantly, practice giving God more allowance in your day.

Now, I don't know what your daily habit is, but do you pray regularly? Do you really know God? I mean, honestly, from some of your material here, I find that questionable. Do you know what God wants of you, as His child? He wants a very personal relationship with you. He wants to be involved in your life everyday. Are you moving towards that kind of relationship?

But don't be swayed by the shame of your sin. That's Satan telling you that you can't measure up. But believe me, anyone can, if that's their hearts goal, love God and turn and repent and be saved. Are you up for that?

For God so loved the world that 'whoever' believes in His Son shall have eternal life. Do you believe that?

God bless,
Ted