I need to confess what I've done/what I'm feeling

[PrimFinallyFoundGod!]

Please be warned this is quite gruesome, shocking, upsetting and involves self harm. I'm quite ashamed so please be compassionate.

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Okay so. I have been wanting to try to bite off a small mole that appeared on the back of my wrist a while ago. I ended up actually succeeding in doing this through a combination of using a sewing needle and biting. What was left was a shallow hole, some swelling and a bit of redness. I started using Sudocrem to try and heal it.

We are talking about completely flat moles here so basically just pigmented bits of skin.

But this seems to of started an addictive urge. When the hole turned into a scab I bit that off again too. I started searching my body for moles because I wanted to do it again.

I have a larger one on my left upper arm. I used the sewing needle to cut a square around said mole. I then started trying to penetrate the skin and slide the needle across underneath the mole to the other side. The idea being to basically rip off the skin off. The needle is pretty dull so I was at this for about an hour. It didn't hurt much. I did get light headed but I found it hard to stop. Eventually I did stop and put plasters/bandages on my moles to stop me doing it and let them heal. I didn't succeed in removing it just cutting and stabbing at it due to the needle being so dull. Even when I pressed hard trying to penetrate through it didn't really go through fully. It's also a pretty big needle so perhaps that is why.

I really want to "finish the job" though. It's a strange urge. I know I'm risking a lot by doing it though so I'm trying hard not to. I know I need to bring this up with my mental health coordinator and I will. I'm feeling like it could be my ocd symptoms getting worse but I'm not a professional so I dont know.

Please don't judge me for this I just really needed to confess how I'm feeling and what I've done. I don't know what this is and I know it's abnormal and bad.

Is this self harm in the same way of when I cut myself? I'm not sure because I don't think self loathing miserable thoughts when I'm doing it...

My next appointment is 21st of this month. Thanks to anyone who was able to read all this. If anyone has any ideas how I can get through til the 21st without mutilating my body further that'd be great. I feel very ashamed of this and to be honest disgusted as well

 

[Riven]

Don't they have universal healthcare in the UK? Can't you just get them removed at a doctor's office?

 

[PrimFinallyFoundGod!]

Don't they have universal healthcare in the UK? Can't you just get them removed at a doctor's office?

We do have NHS. It isn't what other countries think. We have a very greedy government they do a lot of illegal stuff regarding money, legal loopholes etc. The result is our NHS is severely underfunded. Waiting lists are many months long, sometimes years long. And recently there has been a LOT of cuts to what they consider qualifies as NHS. Not all our healthcare is NHS anymore. Unless you are very poor (like me lol) you now pay about £9 PER medication everytime you pick it up. There is a list of free medications available OTC but that list has been cut by 50% recently. Dentistry is completely private apart from very scarce years long waiting lists on the NHS where you still pay, just less, unless it is considered "emergency" dentistry.

Some healthcare isn't "covered" by the NHS. My mole removal being a perfect example. They would only consider removal for 1 specific mole if it was posing suspicion of being cancerous. In other words, it'd be considered cosmetic and NHS doesn't cover this.

 

[PrimFinallyFoundGod!]

Don't they have universal healthcare in the UK? Can't you just get them removed at a doctor's office?

"The NHS no longer delivers "non-essential" mole treatments," - cadogan clinic website
"Most moles are harmless. Harmless moles are not usually treated on the NHS. You can pay a private clinic to remove a mole, but it may be expensive." - NHS UK website

 

[Riven]

We do have NHS. It isn't what other countries think. We have a very greedy government they do a lot of illegal stuff regarding money, legal loopholes etc. The result is our NHS is severely underfunded. Waiting lists are many months long, sometimes years long. And recently there has been a LOT of cuts to what they consider qualifies as NHS. Not all our healthcare is NHS anymore. Unless you are very poor (like me lol) you now pay about £9 PER medication everytime you pick it up. There is a list of free medications available OTC but that list has been cut by 50% recently. Dentistry is completely private apart from very scarce years long waiting lists on the NHS where you still pay, just less, unless it is considered "emergency" dentistry.

Some healthcare isn't "covered" by the NHS. My mole removal being a perfect example. They would only consider removal for 1 specific mole if it was posing suspicion of being cancerous. In other words, it'd be considered cosmetic and NHS doesn't cover this.

I see. Well I would say it's not a good idea to do it yourself because you risk infection and scarring.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I couldn't read it all, but I get the gist. Do you SH as a way to cope with difficult emotions?


I have never done serious SH to myself, but I have SH'd in more "safe" ways a couple times. And since starting that I have gotten urges to do it again, always when emotionally overwhelmed.

 

[PrimFinallyFoundGod!]

I couldn't read it all, but I get the gist. Do you SH as a way to cope with difficult emotions?


I have never done serious SH to myself, but I have SH'd in more "safe" ways a couple times. And since starting that I have gotten urges to do it again, always when emotionally overwhelmed.

I do, I cut my arms. This is different though I just notice these "imperfections" and get obsessive and want to remove them. I dont know
Yeah I appreciate my post is graphic it's absolutely fine, I appreciate you still commenting

 

[evenifigoalone]

I do, I cut my arms. This is different though I just notice these "imperfections" and get obsessive and want to remove them. I dont know
Yeah I appreciate my post is graphic it's absolutely fine, I appreciate you still commenting

Could be OCD like you mentioned. I'd try to find ways to distract yourself until your next appointment. For me, I used video games when dealing with OCD.

 

[PrimFinallyFoundGod!]

Yeah I have been playing video games more lately. I'll keep doing that Thank you very much for the support <3

Could be OCD like you mentioned. I'd try to find ways to distract yourself until your next appointment. For me, I used video games when dealing with OCD.

 

[citrus]

I would keep reaching out. It is a good thing you told. It isn't good for you. You must get help. Would you do this to a baby? Your just as precious. God loves you. I think it is worth to get health
Don't stay in denial. That is not God's purpose for your life to do this. Please get help. Care about you. You matter.

 

[Fretslide]

Praying for you Prim. Don't be afraid to talk even if it is graphic. We'll always hear you.
Sadly healthcare is a joke in the UK now. It wasn't fantastic before covid but since then it's terrible.

 

[PrimFinallyFoundGod!]

Hi all please note I am not in the same place I was when I wrote this so it doesn't reflect how I am now. I attend church weekly and I have therapy. I'm much more stable and God is healing me

 

[citrus]

It's okay. Everyone needs therapy sometime in their lives.

 

[meerkat05]

Is this self harm in the same way of when I cut myself? I'm not sure because I don't think self loathing miserable thoughts when I'm doing it

People cut themselves to help calm down too. A lady that lives by me does it. Like a clothespin to your lip. It doesn't really hurt but kinda feels good.