Ugh. Mental health. Always an issue, or so it seems.
I'm hoping things simmer down. Its weird; I hear replays of things in my mind sometimes (not always), and then I do have people messing with me, for whatever reason(s).
But I'm fairly certain there are people harassing me. They were so loud a week or so ago that the in-between neighbor turned their lights on and I think he said something to them about it. Kinda ridiculous. Plus, I walked closer to where the fence meets my parents' yard--I didn't get very close to the fence, just off my front porch and moved towards it a bit--and some dude and some lady were --yelling-- .
I think this is how "mental patients" are treated, especially when they/we have backstories like mine and live fairly comfortably. I mean, I'm not living large, but I live with my (wonderful, loving, generous, kind) parents, and they have some resources, so I live differently than people around here expect a "mental patient/Schizophrenic" to live.
Maybe "it"--my mental malady, my affliction, if you will--"really" is Schizophrenia. Or Schizoaffective. I dunno. Diagnosis really confuses me. No brain scans, no blood work, nothing to confirm or deny an "expert" diagnosis except, well--a different "expert" diagnosis.
I guess it doesn't matter. If you have Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective, you almost always have to take an antipsychotic of some sort. I take the biggest Abilify tablet produced, which is also the usual max daily dose. The psychiatrist put me on additional things, for mood swings, which is good, I suppose. I certainly am both calmer and, somehow, less lethargic.
I've been praying that one day the affliction will leave me. I don't know. My cousin, he retired from his day job to do a ministry full time, he says that after getting saved, mental health issues generally fade into the background, over time. I dunno. Nothing wrong with taking carefully selected, carefully dosed prescription treatments if needed. I've just begun to wrap my mind around that one.
At least I'm no longer a druggie of any sort. I don't even drink. Chain smoking remains an issue, but I'm getting better with that, thank goodness. I do take massive doses b-vitamins, c, e, etc. The alternative health people say massive dose C, in particular, can reduce damage from the smokes. So far, so good.
I'm sorry to ramble. Recovery can be so uneven, it seems. I have things I obsess over, but my relationship with my parents has improved a whole lot, and is improving, mostly because of Christ changing --me-- . I'm just now to the point where I can say: why yes, just like anybody else, I was an unrepentant wretch in need of forgiveness 1st, other things 2nd. It wasn't all my parents' fault or the shrinks' fault or...you get the idea. At the same time, God's put it on my heart that I'm hardly the 1st obviously wretched person He's shown mercy, compassion, even straight up pity to, and I certainly won't be the last. Putting aside what is behind...
My shrink is decidedly not Christian. He talked to me about it, his idea that all religions lead to God, etc. I didn't know what to say. I should have witnessed to him, but I missed the opportunity because I felt uncomfortable. Plus, he's a tricksy shrink; he has pre-planned conversations, and I'm not quite sure what he's going for. Ugh.
Here where I live, if you're in the community mental health system, they generally try not to hospitalize you. Costs the state $$$ and takes up beds that could be used for involuntary admissions ((those are usually very, very serious)). I don't like hospitals, anyway, and I get the sense its all meds-meds-meds. I take mine, daily. All --4-- of them.
I'm too high functioning for the (very few) group homes around here. They have some kind of cottage community for the severely mentally ill, but those are mostly people who were in the state hospital, and now they're in the cottages so they can "recover" and save tax dollar$. It is what it is.
I've rambled, yet again. It just gets difficult. I live in comfort and safety and I'm vastly improved. I even have quality social skills, which is incredible, considering how socially awkward and maladroit I was for most of my life, even pre-psychiatric treatment. God is good! Society...not so much. My people are good to me, though. That's huge. I'm increasingly good to them, too, because of Christ's work in my life.
I must wrap this baby up, lol. Please do keep me up in prayer. My situation is one of uneven progress and occasional set backs. Happens. God is good, through it all.
Thanks.
