[__ Praise __] i was spared, by His grace

[Christ_empowered]

i was always, incessantly picked on in school. it got worse in middle school. by HS, I graduated 1 year early (not a super genius...just had to take a correspondence course and that was it...) to escape it. Predictably, things got worse in college, even worse when I left college, and "mental health treatment" only made it that much worse, and...and...

-sigh- thing is, yeah, it was (and is...I'm in my general "hometown" area, and...not well liked is an -understatement) rough, but I see, now...could have been a whole, whole lot worse.

the elementary school apparently didn't like it that i walked to school and back home from school. they also didn't like that i had a bag lunch. talked of calling dss. parents were well-educated and upwardly mobile, so I got some freedom. oh, and some teachers wanted me held back and/or put in special ed...for talking too much, etc. again: parents.

middle school was miserable. thing is...that's when the 'school to prison pipeline' starts accelerating, big time. i wasn't 'supposed to be in honors,' etc. if i hadn't stayed in honors, i probably would have ended up in juvenile detention.

hs...yeah, wow. when you -have- to graduate at 16, that's bad.

college...driven out of dorms at 17. not ready for 'the real world,' sickly and weird and flamboyantly gay...did not go well. and yet...

no felonies, no time in prison, no time in the state hospital. parents are good to me, they have more re$ource$ now. i am labeled as 'severely mentally ill,' and i don't know what to make of it, honestly. i didn't get truly saved till my late 20s. kinda...a sad situation, really. living in poverty, ridiculed and despised, estranged from my parents...

now? i live in a modest, nice place. poor? yes and no. its...somewhat complicated, i guess. its not what i'd consider real poverty, which...is impossible for a lot of people to survive, anyway, and in my case would be the end because of all the stigma, enemies, etc....

and its definitely not riches, either. lol. The Lord provides what I need + a wee bit extra. I am increasingly thankful.

my parents are good to me, now. a lot of that is The Lord working on all 3 of us, changing me and showing them that I'm not who I was, I do need them, I'm not trying to use and/or abuse their resources, and...and...

God is Good. Parents are good people. they had it rough, too...moved to this general area/region fresh out of graduate school, baby in tow, built a life "from the bottom up," etc...

now, they're...i dunno, upper middle class maybe well to do (?)...retired, mostly...and they are good people. "the real world"/broad road is a rough, rough place...

even in Christ, things aren't always easy, of course. He has overcome the world, so...that's -definitely- reassuring, now.

i wish id 'made better life choices,' as the mental health people were always putting it, and many people still do. then again...-shrug- they just wanted power and money, its not as if they actually wanted to help me achieve anything I wanted. ugh.

I don't know what God's will for me is, it seems. I am an outsider, here, but at least I'm increasingly close to my parents and I have the shelter, clothes, food, etc. I need + a tad extra. -huge- blessing, amen.


i talked to dad, briefly. on the phone today. mama just texted. my older Christian friend is fading from my life as her son gets closer to her, as my parents get closer to me. a friendly acquaintance is something of a friend, albeit...well, with limitations, largely because she's an unbeliever and I definitely don't fit in with her other friends. happens.

and...the reality hits, that God is Good, and I wasn't and He saved (is saving, will save) me, anyway. "while we were still enemies of God, Christ died for us."

I was spared from far worse than what I actually went thru, and in Christ...

well, I think "redeemed" is a good, quality, it seems under-used word...for His work in my life, over these past 8 years or so.

my parents suffered, too...from the world and...yeah. around me, people will say "he's nothing -special- his parents were supposed to be fired from ()," etc. and its just...

how the world works, I guess. thank goodness Jesus has seen fit to first spare me, then bring me to repentance and forgive me.

OK. finished, for now.

 

[Truthfrees]

praising God with you and keeping you in prayer for increasingly better things - thanks for the praise report

 

[EvolvingChristian]

God bless you Christ_empowered

I am 54 and have my own story, nothing that would make a reality show, thankfully, but my life has been full of alcohol abuse, marijuana, stealing, lying, etc., etc., etc. I am a sinner.

I believe what you and I have in common is that we will be saved by Jesus, hopefully.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, again.

thank you for the replies, ongoing support. EvolvingChristian ...hi and welcome! I must have missed an intro from you, sorry about that.

its hard...sometimes...to grasp that unrepentant sin earns wrath from God. ugh. I say this as someone who probably falls into the "socialist Christian" category, btw. Its not that I'm big into fire and brimstone, bring on that old time religion, its just...I do read Scripture.

But, I'm 8 years into genuine repentance. A cousin who keeps in touch emailed me and told me something along the lines of His work in my life is sort of...an extreme case of The Lord breathing life into someone (me, lol) who was, very much, dead in my trespasses. Thing is...

God is truly, extraordinarily Good and merciful...people? pshaw. "cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." it isn't that people are 110% horrible or anything...I'm a person, too, lol...its just...

not one of us can truly know another individual. truth be told...Scripture would seem to indicate we're not even good at knowing our (deceitful and wicked) hearts. This is must be why Scripture cautions that "fear of man shall prove to be a snare" and "fret not because of evil-doers..."

-sigh- I was a rebellious evil-doer/weakling, He spared and saved me...

now, I'm for Him, less and less against Him...

and I'm catching static over things I did, things I didn't really do but people claim I did (long story) years and years ago...

truth? people in the community have often said, to and about me "no such thing as second chances!," when really...

this isn't a pity party or anything, but I get the sense that even if I'd had the sense to 'play my cards right,' etc., I wouldn't have ended up living all that great of a life. short, homely, sickly, awkward, bright, precocious and rejected by peers, etc...happens, it does, and my reactions (inward and outward) were/are fairly predictable, on and on and on...


forgiven, starting 8 years ago. -eyes on Christ, and Him Crucified- . I just get...tired, I guess, really, really almost physically exhausted sort of tired...from being taunted and ridiculed and talked at and around and about, but not with...

but then I go to see mama and dad, and they're kind...their house puppies adore me (I give them treats...), and I have what i need+ a tad extra, and right now, I'm even doing some laundry...the hum of the washing machine is soothing...

I just get tired. truth? I was spared, a lot, even before I had sense enough to see that the world is, in fact, full of snares and trouble. God spared me then, He's been -nothing- but exceptionally Kind and Good to me, since I came to repentance, which...I still think of more as His work than mine (not false humility...I had too much shock, just having sense enough to genuinely repent was/is something of a miracle...), and...and...

ugh. I don't know...where to, from here. 36 years old, now. Fun story: I overheard someone talking about me, while i was out and about..."he's gotta be...what...29? 30?" yeah. o-l-d. lol. I'm thankful to be healthy, for whatever reason(s) God has also seen fit that I look noticeably younger than my age, which...is -much- better than having to live as a burn out or patched up burn out, amen.

rambling, per usual...

my parents are -truly good- to me, even though I was hateful and cruel to them, in my rebel without a clue phase. thing is...I've been transformed, by 'the renewal of your mind...,' so now I have the "high IQ (estimate)" and good health and...and...and...

I dunno. I love them, they're good parents + good people, I just...get tired, now, with psychobabble labels and jibber jabber, kinda sorta wonder if I'll ever be able to make any income of my own, somehow, someway...

or if that's even a valid goal, in my own, individual situation. working always=more intensive bullying, since my late teens. at least this way, I can retreat here, and read and pray and think and...I still get taunted, I can hear it in my own (modest, but nice) place, but...that beats taunting -while- having to earn monies.

rambling...God is Good. God is Love. I Praise Him for His Goodness, and I pray for His will for me.

 

[daninthelionsden]

me, again.

thank you for the replies, ongoing support. EvolvingChristian ...hi and welcome! I must have missed an intro from you, sorry about that.

its hard...sometimes...to grasp that unrepentant sin earns wrath from God. ugh. I say this as someone who probably falls into the "socialist Christian" category, btw. Its not that I'm big into fire and brimstone, bring on that old time religion, its just...I do read Scripture.

But, I'm 8 years into genuine repentance. A cousin who keeps in touch emailed me and told me something along the lines of His work in my life is sort of...an extreme case of The Lord breathing life into someone (me, lol) who was, very much, dead in my trespasses. Thing is...

God is truly, extraordinarily Good and merciful...people? pshaw. "cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." it isn't that people are 110% horrible or anything...I'm a person, too, lol...its just...

not one of us can truly know another individual. truth be told...Scripture would seem to indicate we're not even good at knowing our (deceitful and wicked) hearts. This is must be why Scripture cautions that "fear of man shall prove to be a snare" and "fret not because of evil-doers..."

-sigh- I was a rebellious evil-doer/weakling, He spared and saved me...

now, I'm for Him, less and less against Him...

and I'm catching static over things I did, things I didn't really do but people claim I did (long story) years and years ago...

truth? people in the community have often said, to and about me "no such thing as second chances!," when really...

this isn't a pity party or anything, but I get the sense that even if I'd had the sense to 'play my cards right,' etc., I wouldn't have ended up living all that great of a life. short, homely, sickly, awkward, bright, precocious and rejected by peers, etc...happens, it does, and my reactions (inward and outward) were/are fairly predictable, on and on and on...


forgiven, starting 8 years ago. -eyes on Christ, and Him Crucified- . I just get...tired, I guess, really, really almost physically exhausted sort of tired...from being taunted and ridiculed and talked at and around and about, but not with...

but then I go to see mama and dad, and they're kind...their house puppies adore me (I give them treats...), and I have what i need+ a tad extra, and right now, I'm even doing some laundry...the hum of the washing machine is soothing...

I just get tired. truth? I was spared, a lot, even before I had sense enough to see that the world is, in fact, full of snares and trouble. God spared me then, He's been -nothing- but exceptionally Kind and Good to me, since I came to repentance, which...I still think of more as His work than mine (not false humility...I had too much shock, just having sense enough to genuinely repent was/is something of a miracle...), and...and...

ugh. I don't know...where to, from here. 36 years old, now. Fun story: I overheard someone talking about me, while i was out and about..."he's gotta be...what...29? 30?" yeah. o-l-d. lol. I'm thankful to be healthy, for whatever reason(s) God has also seen fit that I look noticeably younger than my age, which...is -much- better than having to live as a burn out or patched up burn out, amen.

rambling, per usual...

my parents are -truly good- to me, even though I was hateful and cruel to them, in my rebel without a clue phase. thing is...I've been transformed, by 'the renewal of your mind...,' so now I have the "high IQ (estimate)" and good health and...and...and...

I dunno. I love them, they're good parents + good people, I just...get tired, now, with psychobabble labels and jibber jabber, kinda sorta wonder if I'll ever be able to make any income of my own, somehow, someway...

or if that's even a valid goal, in my own, individual situation. working always=more intensive bullying, since my late teens. at least this way, I can retreat here, and read and pray and think and...I still get taunted, I can hear it in my own (modest, but nice) place, but...that beats taunting -while- having to earn monies.

rambling...God is Good. God is Love. I Praise Him for His Goodness, and I pray for His will for me.

You and me both bro. I really want to know His will for our family. Tired of being a pinata for evil people bent on greed.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again. didn't sleep much last night. its a funny thing, this..."Schizophrenia..."

I seem to actually -need- the Abilify. I don't mean going into some kind of withdrawal type need, I mean...I dunno. not to pity party, because I have a good life now, in Christ, its just...

where does "Schizophrenia" come from, anyway? I get blamed for it, here locally. I did do drugs, true. If it wasn't for my parents, I wouldn't even get disability. but I already had problems...that's...why I did drugs, lol.

The 1st hospital...a private, for profit place owned by a chain/corporation...broke my spirit. I mean, I'm blessed I didn't land in a state facility, but...they left me dead eyed, then doped me up on mega-high-dose antidepressants and boosters and....

I dropped the pills, once I got out. eyes when went from glazed over and glassy to straight up -dead- . Light came back into my eyes about 4, 5 years later, at a Christian place. I was so thankful. The staff noticed before I did.

So, again; God is Good, and He's shown His Goodness to -me- , yet another undeserving individual sorely in need of divine intervention. and...and...

I get taunted all over, and I think a lot of it because I had my shrinks investigated by the state medical board. I felt like I had to, honestly. Found a powerful antipsychiatry group to file the paperwork. long story...it's paid off, now, in Him...

Romans 8:28 applies to me, as it does to all genuine converts.

so, I had a 120 IQ when they destroyed me...dropped down to 95-105. A brain scan showed that I should "be a vegetable," so...again: spared, not totally but...now, my IQ is estimated (apparently) at 145-150. I sent a former shrink a bunch of emails, I guess that's how they got the estimate. that court case co$t m parents a pretty penny...

-sigh- and now I've got a clean background check, a modest but nice place to live, and my parents and I are reconciled, amen. Mama even bought me a big, tasteful Cross to put on my front door.

I dunno. Its...not yet 6:30 AM, here, and I'm rambling. Spared, spared, spared. Cannot support myself. Might not have ever been able to, honestly. At least in Christ...

-sigh- I get to use what's left of the safety net (note: I love America, and I just wish we had a safety net that caught more people) and live a decent, increasingly godly life. Big event: I backed lava cakes this morning. true story. mama got me the kit at Sam's.

With all I've been spared, I thought The Lord was going somewhere BIG (!!!), but now I'm thinking...

Q: "what is the purpose of life?" A: "To know God, to love God, to honor and obey God, now and for eternity." something like that, anyway...its in the Westminster shorter catechism.

maybe I was bright, precocious, -doomed- and Schizophrenic, from a young age. Makes sense. Maybe I've "developed Schizophrenia," along with (somehow...) the higher IQ estimate. maybe. perfectly plausible...

as a "mental patient," my version of events doesn't matter much, especially compared to the "experts." Truth? Well...in this case, as with anything else...on the broad road, "truth," to the extent that there is such a thing, is established by consensus, and those in power often (always? usually?) decide what is "truth."

-sigh- spared, yet again. its been stripped down to nothing like it was, but there still -is- a state hospital, here. Maybe, in some ways, its worse than it used to be...now, they keep people for 90-120+/ days, then its never-ending (read: enforced by court order) "treatment in the community," which...

inevitably means high doses, state subsidized poverty, lots of 'experts' controlling everything (they can even impose a curfew), and -no freedom- , because...(real world, broad road) that's "the recovery model," in action, lol.

but I've only been hospitalized 2x, both in private places, never committed. what was a sad case of a brain damaged, sick, potentially dangerous individual 'slipping thru the cracks' (not really, but...OK...) has become...for me...

"he whom the Son has set free is free, indeed.' rejoice!