Immaturity

[christlove]

Hi all, my stepson is 18 and his girlfriend is 17. My husband and I have a very low tolerance for the immaturity in their relationship as well as them even being in a relationship but unfortunately have no control over either one. Their relationship has caused stress in our family and my husband and I feel it's best she keep her distance from us as we've spoken about things before and nothing ever seems to change. It was my stepson's choice to be with her not ours. We've tolerated all we can but I can't do it anymore. I just don't know why I feel so bad though.....any advice is greatly appreciated...thanks.

 

[handy]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

I can tell from your letter that your step-son's relationship is causing stress, but it's unclear as to why?

At 18 and 17, they should be mature enough to handle a relationship...and yes, if he's over 18 you really don't have control, except where it comes to who is welcome in your own home.

You seem to be targeting her, may I ask if she is truly causing trouble? Or, is it just that you and her husband just don't like her, her morals or personality.

I'm a firm believer in not tolerating evil. No one will come into my home and my family if they are destructive. If she's the type of person that lies, gossips, or deliberately undermines peoples relationships, then I wholeheartedly agree with you that she isn't to be allowed in the home.

But, if you just don't like the way their relationship is going, this "immaturity" you speak of, then it's probably better if you try to just be polite.

There are several possibilities here: Either they'll break up after a while and she'll be out of your life...or they might marry or have a child together. If that's the case, she'll be in your life one way or another for a long time. Either way, it will be in your and your husband's best interests to learn to tolerate her.

But, that's only if we're talking personality differences or just that they are an annoying couple. If she really is destructive or evil...stick to your guns that while he's free to do what he wishes outside, you and your husband can and will draw the line at the front porch.

 

[Rhea]

One way you can approach the situation is to talk about "how to choose a partner" without any attack or even focus on the current relationship.

I talk with my kids about this a lot, they are younger, but I feel that equipping them with perspective is stronger than judging their choices.

So for us it is,

• What kind of relationship do you hope to have long term. Can you name some adults who seem to have what you want?
• What is it, exactly, about their relationship that you admire? Is it the way they talk together? The way they treat each other?
• Do you notice anything about that relationship that you do not admire? Do you see it in some other adult's relationship?
• What are the main differences that you see between teen relationships and adult ones? Are these good things, or transient things?
• How can you find out about a potential partner if they have what you are hoping to find?
• What are some ways you can discover how this person will react under stress (such as they'd experience later in childcare or job loss or in-law conflict)?

I make it clear to the kids that our marriage is not something that we fell into and was immediately perfect. It was something that we sought, and measured, and that we both have the same methods of maintaining.

I tell them, "one main measure of how compatible people are is if they share values on how to resolve conflict". In other words - how do the disagreements go? Does disagreement result in anger?

And most overarching of all - the kind of relationship you have is a CHOICE that you make every moment. Don't be careless enough to fail to make the choices.

...All of this can be discussed in an upbeat way - "if you two are serious, you need to go through this process," and if they are sincere and you are too, they may discover that they don't like what they have finally opened their eyes to see. Or, you never know, they may decide to become the person you were afraid they were not.

 

[Chris]

I am a parent too but have younger children. Just as we made our mistakes and learned from them so will they. I would imagine if at that age if they lived under my roof I would have a say as to what they did house wise and cleaning. I think personal preferences I would have no right to impose my preferences on- I guess you can only advise and hope it works.


In the teenage years there is a massive dump of neurons in our brains

teenage brain « Neurons Firing

Teenagers cannot possibly think like mature adults as we are because of the changes going on in thier brains.

I hope that helps I learned it at a child discipline thing at school. It made me realize how hard i was on kids at times, expecting them to think like adults when they cant do it.

 

[BobbyKing]

Hi all, my stepson is 18 and his girlfriend is 17. My husband and I have a very low tolerance for the immaturity in their relationship as well as them even being in a relationship but unfortunately have no control over either one. Their relationship has caused stress in our family and my husband and I feel it's best she keep her distance from us as we've spoken about things before and nothing ever seems to change. It was my stepson's choice to be with her not ours. We've tolerated all we can but I can't do it anymore. I just don't know why I feel so bad though.....any advice is greatly appreciated...thanks.

Hi

May I ask how is the relationship between your husband and his son?

I can't really commend on the girlfriend but I can see one solution is through your husband and his son relationship. Encourage them to relate & connect with each other, can start by having a once-a-week father-son night where they could have dinner, play sports, go bowling and create an avenue to share their lives. Inject with some Bible reading together and prayer. Create opportunity for the son to learn through role modeling.

If the communication between them is less than good, then all the more they should make efforts to reconnect. And with your help and prayer, it may turn out to be one big blessing for all of you.