Nearly half of all Americans live their day-to-day lives with at least one chronic illness as a companion. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, Crohn’s disease, asthma, arthritis, lupus, sickle cell anemia, and a host of other conditions pillage millions of personal lives and marriages each year. Statistics show that over 75 percent of marriages plagued by chronic illness end in divorce.
Nothing quite assists a spouse in understanding his or her role of helpmate like a chronic illness. For married couples, a diagnosis means twice the heartache, discomfort, and worry.
If you have a chronic illness, how do you juggle your needs with the needs of your spouse? How can you fight feelings of inadequacy and guilt? If your spouse has a chronic illness, how do you “keep it together” for him or her? What if you become burned out? What do you do when you find yourself thinking, “This is more than I bargained for?”
All marriages face obstacles. Most, however, aren’t as pervasive as chronic illness, which can rear its ugly head on a daily basis: Your wife, who suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome, may wake up on a Saturday too fatigued to attend the all-day BBQ festival you both had been looking forward to. Your husband’s Crohn’s disease severely limits where and what the two of you can eat. Your husband, who suffers from diabetes, slips into a hypoglycemic seizure that sends you both to the hospital on a Sunday evening.
Spouses of individuals who suffer from physically debilitating conditions often find themselves filling both the role of spouse and caretaker/nurse. Spouses of individuals who suffer from mental conditions may find themselves feeling more like a babysitter than an equal partner in the marriage.
Few things in life test wedding vows like chronic illness. If your spouse was diagnosed before you tied the knot, you may have underestimated the toll the condition would take on the marriage. Or, you were so in love you didn’t care. As time progresses, it’s natural to wonder if you’ve gotten “in over your head.” If your spouse was diagnosed after your wedding day, you may find yourself thinking, “If only I had known how hard this would be. Would I have still signed up for this?”
Below are do’s and don’t’s for the patient and spouse on coping with marriage and chronic illness:
If you’re like most couples, you breezed through the “in sickness and in health” clause of your marriage vows without much thought. You were probably too busy gazing into your spouse’s eyes, beaming from the thought of marrying your soul mate and eagerly anticipating your wedding night.
Had you given it some thought, you might have pictured “in sickness and in health” as serving your wife chicken noodle soup when she has the flu or running to the store at 10 p.m. for another box of Kleenex and Sudafed for your husband’s “monster” cold. Aside from the token mention of, “Yes, honey, I’d still love you and take care of you if you were in a car accident,” calamity was probably the furthest thing from your mind.
More often than not, the reality of “sickness” materializes out of nowhere. When your spouse is diagnosed with a chronic illness, you begin to realize that your life, your spouse’s life, and your marriage will never again be the same. It’s easy to let thoughts such as, “Will this affect his lifespan?” and “Will we still be able to have kids?” torment you.
Below are eight tips for dealing with chronic illness as a married couple.
If you’re involved with a church or a close-knit group of friends, you’ll likely receive more assistance than you know what to do with. Casserole dinners and offers of free babysitting won’t ameliorate your condition or mend your broken spirit, but they will allow you to focus on healing and coping as a couple.
Contact your doctor’s office or church for support-group referrals. If possible, find a group where spouses and family members are welcome. If a support group doesn’t exist in your area, consider starting one. Or, find an online forum where you can receive and give encouragement.
If the prospect of seeing a psychiatrist daunts you, don’t. Instead, find a certified, Biblically based counselor both you and your spouse can speak with. Your pastor may be a certified counselor; if not, he should be able to point you to one. You can also visit Focus on the Family’s Counseling Services and Referrals page for a local referral.
Physical intimacy is one of the greatest tangible bonds between a married couple. Besides fulfilling physical cravings, sex builds relational and spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife, allowing them to release emotions. If sex is still possible, continue to make love regularly. If your spouse can’t have sex, how do you keep your marriage strong? Seek to fulfill each other’s needs in other creative ways.
It’s possible for you and your spouse to spiritually and emotionally “drown” in hopelessness if you constantly focus on your situation. Reach out to others in need—individuals with a similar medical condition, shut-ins who could use a warm meal or widows who’d appreciate a listening ear. Helping others brings true joy—a rare commodity at times like these.
God understands if you’re angry at the doctors, angry at Him and angry at the world in general. Don’t let Satan trick you into thinking anger is a sin. It’s not, though sinful behavior includes acting in anger towards others or turning your back on God. Present Him with your questions and uncertainties. Wrestle through this time with Him, and expect additionally clarity as the end result.
Life is a journey, and followers of Christ are promised it won’t be an easy one. You may not have answers to why you were diagnosed with your condition—not now, not in this life. Take comfort in knowing you will have these answers someday. In the mean time, God will reveal to you His purpose for your life – and your life with this condition. Journal your thoughts, feelings and reflections. Share them with your spouse. Open yourselves individually and corporately to what God has in store for your life together.
Life, no matter how painful or confusing, is precious and worth living. Do your best to make lemonade out of lemons, and rest at His feet when you’re wrung-out.
The post In Sickness and in Health: How To Face Chronic Illness in Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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Nothing quite assists a spouse in understanding his or her role of helpmate like a chronic illness. For married couples, a diagnosis means twice the heartache, discomfort, and worry.
If you have a chronic illness, how do you juggle your needs with the needs of your spouse? How can you fight feelings of inadequacy and guilt? If your spouse has a chronic illness, how do you “keep it together” for him or her? What if you become burned out? What do you do when you find yourself thinking, “This is more than I bargained for?”
When Reality Sets In: Facing Chronic Illness in Marriage
All marriages face obstacles. Most, however, aren’t as pervasive as chronic illness, which can rear its ugly head on a daily basis: Your wife, who suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome, may wake up on a Saturday too fatigued to attend the all-day BBQ festival you both had been looking forward to. Your husband’s Crohn’s disease severely limits where and what the two of you can eat. Your husband, who suffers from diabetes, slips into a hypoglycemic seizure that sends you both to the hospital on a Sunday evening.
Spouses of individuals who suffer from physically debilitating conditions often find themselves filling both the role of spouse and caretaker/nurse. Spouses of individuals who suffer from mental conditions may find themselves feeling more like a babysitter than an equal partner in the marriage.
Few things in life test wedding vows like chronic illness. If your spouse was diagnosed before you tied the knot, you may have underestimated the toll the condition would take on the marriage. Or, you were so in love you didn’t care. As time progresses, it’s natural to wonder if you’ve gotten “in over your head.” If your spouse was diagnosed after your wedding day, you may find yourself thinking, “If only I had known how hard this would be. Would I have still signed up for this?”
Below are do’s and don’t’s for the patient and spouse on coping with marriage and chronic illness:
For the Patient
- Don’t expect your spouse to carry the full burden of your condition, physically or emotionally. No one person can handle a chronic illness alone—not your husband, not yourself. Enlist the help of friends, neighbors, coworkers, church members, and family. If need be, bring in outside medical or household help.
- Do seek to serve your spouse. Your wife is a great support to you in your daily battles with chronic illness. Do what you can to serve her, even in small ways. And don’t keep a tally of who’s done what for whom. This can be detrimental to a marriage.
- Don’t offer your spouse an “out.” It’s natural for your spouse to wonder, “Am I really cut out for a marriage in which a chronic illness is involved?” Though offering her an out may seem the compassionate thing to do (and likely to garner some much-needed reassurance of her commitment), it may backfire and fuel destructive thoughts Satan is tempting your spouse with. Thank her for her commitment to you through good times and bad, and express your mutual commitment.
- Do speak well of your spouse—publically and privately. Let his friends and coworkers know what a great help he is to you and how irreplaceable he is.
For the Spouse
- Don’t use your spouse’s condition against her. Though the nuances of your wife’s condition are frustrating, they’re not intentional. Bring your mutual frustrations at the situation to God, and don’t direct them at each other.
- Do allow time to recharge yourself. “Me time” is crucial to keeping yourself fresh and able to deal with the challenges of a marriage in which chronic illness is involved. It’s also crucial to your overall happiness and well-being.
- Don’t define your spouse by his condition. Try not to refer to him as a diabetic, asthmatic, or any other term that defines him by his condition. Instead, refer to him as your husband with [insert condition].
- Do realize your doubts are normal. It’s ordinary to wonder if you’re “really cut out for marriage to a person with [insert condition].” It’s ordinary for someone in your position to be tempted to leave— temporarily or permanently. There is no sin in being tempted, but there is sin in breaking your vows. Let God know you need His strength to fulfill your vows to your spouse.
In Sickness and In Health
If you’re like most couples, you breezed through the “in sickness and in health” clause of your marriage vows without much thought. You were probably too busy gazing into your spouse’s eyes, beaming from the thought of marrying your soul mate and eagerly anticipating your wedding night.
Had you given it some thought, you might have pictured “in sickness and in health” as serving your wife chicken noodle soup when she has the flu or running to the store at 10 p.m. for another box of Kleenex and Sudafed for your husband’s “monster” cold. Aside from the token mention of, “Yes, honey, I’d still love you and take care of you if you were in a car accident,” calamity was probably the furthest thing from your mind.
More often than not, the reality of “sickness” materializes out of nowhere. When your spouse is diagnosed with a chronic illness, you begin to realize that your life, your spouse’s life, and your marriage will never again be the same. It’s easy to let thoughts such as, “Will this affect his lifespan?” and “Will we still be able to have kids?” torment you.
8 Ways to Deal With Chronic Illness in Marriage
Below are eight tips for dealing with chronic illness as a married couple.
1. Accept Offers of Help.
If you’re involved with a church or a close-knit group of friends, you’ll likely receive more assistance than you know what to do with. Casserole dinners and offers of free babysitting won’t ameliorate your condition or mend your broken spirit, but they will allow you to focus on healing and coping as a couple.
2. Find a Support Group.
Contact your doctor’s office or church for support-group referrals. If possible, find a group where spouses and family members are welcome. If a support group doesn’t exist in your area, consider starting one. Or, find an online forum where you can receive and give encouragement.
3. Find a Good Counselor.
If the prospect of seeing a psychiatrist daunts you, don’t. Instead, find a certified, Biblically based counselor both you and your spouse can speak with. Your pastor may be a certified counselor; if not, he should be able to point you to one. You can also visit Focus on the Family’s Counseling Services and Referrals page for a local referral.
4. Continue To Make Intimacy a Priority.
Physical intimacy is one of the greatest tangible bonds between a married couple. Besides fulfilling physical cravings, sex builds relational and spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife, allowing them to release emotions. If sex is still possible, continue to make love regularly. If your spouse can’t have sex, how do you keep your marriage strong? Seek to fulfill each other’s needs in other creative ways.
5. Reach Outside Yourself.
It’s possible for you and your spouse to spiritually and emotionally “drown” in hopelessness if you constantly focus on your situation. Reach out to others in need—individuals with a similar medical condition, shut-ins who could use a warm meal or widows who’d appreciate a listening ear. Helping others brings true joy—a rare commodity at times like these.
6. Realize It’s OK To Question God.
God understands if you’re angry at the doctors, angry at Him and angry at the world in general. Don’t let Satan trick you into thinking anger is a sin. It’s not, though sinful behavior includes acting in anger towards others or turning your back on God. Present Him with your questions and uncertainties. Wrestle through this time with Him, and expect additionally clarity as the end result.
7. Reflect.
Life is a journey, and followers of Christ are promised it won’t be an easy one. You may not have answers to why you were diagnosed with your condition—not now, not in this life. Take comfort in knowing you will have these answers someday. In the mean time, God will reveal to you His purpose for your life – and your life with this condition. Journal your thoughts, feelings and reflections. Share them with your spouse. Open yourselves individually and corporately to what God has in store for your life together.
8. Refuse To Be Owned by Your Condition – or Hopelessness.
Life, no matter how painful or confusing, is precious and worth living. Do your best to make lemonade out of lemons, and rest at His feet when you’re wrung-out.
The post In Sickness and in Health: How To Face Chronic Illness in Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...