Is it normal to go long periods of time where

[20yrsmarried]

I am setting aside the emotion, Brother. Step up to the plate, don't complain and live in the Plan of God. Love and live because of who you are in Christ. Don't let people dictate who you are. And I believe my advice is solid. If we live because of what Christ did for us, instead of concentrating on what other people are doing to us, we are blessed and building character and the virtue that the Lord wants in us.

Everybody says don't do the "d" word. If He is taking her away from doctrine and won't let her study and learn. Divorce him. A mans authority can't keep a woman away from doctrine and study. But if she can study and learn doctrine and he does not hinder her spiritual growth, then follow his plan and grow in the Lord despite the irritations or faults of other people.

If you only knew half of what I do, what I put up with, but put a smile on my face and go out and help others you would not be judging me this harshly. You see the reason I came here is bc I can't be transparent around my friends and family bc they have NO idea the battle I'm struggling. I'm always the one offering up encouragement, being people's cheerleader and being optimistic. I'm known as someone who doesn't "complain".They think we have the perfect marriage. I don't share "my" complaints with them bc I don't want to UNCOVER my husband. So please forgive me if I'm at my wits end and choose to come to an anonymous board to get advice and encouragement.

 

[20yrsmarried]

Edward, thank you. I appreciate that. As well as the person who pm'd me and the other biblical advice ppl gave. I may not want to hear it, but I know I need to hear it.

Asan aside. I think sometimes we as Christians don't truly listen. We are so ready to give good Godly counsel, which is well and good. However I remember a time when I was a baby Christian and one of my friends was being physically abused. I told her to talk to one of my mentors for advice. A lady I looked up to. She told her she needed to stay, love him and work it out. A week later he threw her down the stairs and she came To live with me until she could go back home to her family. Sometimes we need to use discernment too.

 

[Edward]

If you only knew half of what I do, what I put up with, but put a smile on my face and go out and help others you would not be judging me this harshly. You see the reason I came here is bc I can't be transparent around my friends and family bc they have NO idea the battle I'm struggling. I'm always the one offering up encouragement, being people's cheerleader and being optimistic. I'm known as someone who doesn't "complain".They think we have the perfect marriage. I don't share "my" complaints with them bc I don't want to UNCOVER my husband. So please forgive me if I'm at my wits end and choose to come to an anonymous board to get advice and encouragement.

I hadn't really thought of that, but what you say makes perfect sense. The anonymity of the internet serves you well in this capacity and is a good idea for you to get the feedback that you need. Good on you for holding him up in person to those around you, that's very respectful and thoughtful of you to do so.

Remember that the Lord will not put on us more than we can bear. It may seem at times that he's taking you to the absolute limit but don't lose your faith sister. These tribulations that you're going through, are, in the long run...good for you. That may be hard to accept at many times, but I liken it to...being in training. Sort of like military special forces training. they push those guys to the limit to bring out their best in the long run.

Roman 5:3-5
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us./

So thank God that you be found worthy enough for him to work out this weakness from within you and to build you up, into the servant that He would have you to be. He will not leave you nor forsake you. my experience has been that the Lord comes to help, at the last minute...but never late.He wants to see that you hold your faith in Him until the end. To be an overcomer. It is very hard, but good for us, and those that do this without quitting, will be handsomely rewarded. I will continue to pray for you (and your husband) sister. God bless you.

 

[presidente]

You feel like you are no longer in love with your spouse? You have good days but the bad days seem to outweigh the good days. Sometimes you think you would be happier getting a divorce, yet you don't want to be a statistic and end up with a broken family and the problems that come with that. I guess I just need some advice from seasoned couples. I wanna know that yes this is common but things get better?

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. There have been times when she told me she didn't feel love for me like when we were first married. Usually that happened during a difficult time of PMS or some other 'hormonal' time like pregnancy or post-partum depression. There were times when I was in grad school, she was caring for our baby, and were poor, and I was and unemployed where it was probably hard for her to have the same type of respect for me she had when I was bringing home the bacon. But she knew it was wrong to divorce me over her feelings. If you don't have the feelings for your spouse, the feelings need to get fixed. Divorce is not the answer.

We live in a society that teaches people that the purpose of marriage is happiness. If someone doesn't feel 'in love' with their partner or unhappy in marriage, there are plenty of people in the world who will tell that person to get a divorce. Some people divorce after giving an "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. Back in the old days, if a woman said she wasn't in love with her husband, probably most people wouldn't have suggested divorce. Legally, you had to have grounds back then, and a slump in the feelings isn't grounds.

But one aspect of love is commitment. When Jesus went to the cross, He demonstrated His love for us. He also demonstrated commitment.

The good news about my wife and I are that we both have strong feelings for each other now. We've been praying for our marriage, for ourselves and for each other. I've had plenty of occasions where I've prayed and asked the Lord to speak to her about something, and then she'll tell me the Lord spoke to her about that very thing.

It does help if you tell your partner what you want. You may not know what you want. If your husband came home every day and you greeted him at the door with a smile and a big hug, and he was beaming, happy to see you, and dipped you over for a big kiss, you might both enjoy that. But your husband might not think that he'd want you to greet him at the door every day. And you might never have thought how much you'd like to be kissed like that.

There is a saying, "Fake it till you make it." That sounds awful, but you can work on being very loving to your husband. I've been reading "Love and Respect" with my wife. We aren't that far into it yet, but it's good so far. One of the problems in marriage is if a wife treats her husband with disrespect and so he doesn't show her the proper love, and she doesn't show him the proper respect. That's what the author calls 'The Crazy Cycle.'

There may be some things in your relationship that you haven't notice have changed. Maybe your husband doesn't talk to you in that same gentle kind tone of voice he used when you were dating. Maybe you don't sit around talking where he listens to you like he used to. You might not treat him with the same admiration and appreciation you showed him when you were dating. Physically, the passion may not be the same. If you can really pinpoint what you want and have a conversation where you explain it in a disarming way that doesn't make him defensive, maybe he'll get it and you can give him more of what he wants. It might feel strange to ask for it, but you could remind him of how kindly he used to talk to you, how attentive he used to be.

In the meantime, you can start doing things to show your admiration and respect for him. if you don't feel it, think about good things about him and ask the Lord for help. Be passionate toward him, etc.

I was just thinking this morning how good my wife is too me and what can I do to be a better husband to make her happy. That's one approach. Figure out the areas where he'd like more from you or a change from you, and give. Let him know what you would like, including simple things like listening.

You can also pray together about your marriage and pray alone and ask the Lord to renew that passion and love you once had for your husband. It's the Lord's will for you to love your husband? Right? So remind the Lord of that and of the promise of I John that whatever you ask according to His will you will have it. Then know that you have received and start working on showing that love to your husband.

 

[20yrsmarried]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. There have been times when she told me she didn't feel love for me like when we were first married. Usually that happened during a difficult time of PMS or some other 'hormonal' time like pregnancy or post-partum depression. There were times when I was in grad school, she was caring for our baby, and were poor, and I was and unemployed where it was probably hard for her to have the same type of respect for me she had when I was bringing home the bacon. But she knew it was wrong to divorce me over her feelings. If you don't have the feelings for your spouse, the feelings need to get fixed. Divorce is not the answer.

We live in a society that teaches people that the purpose of marriage is happiness. If someone doesn't feel 'in love' with their partner or unhappy in marriage, there are plenty of people in the world who will tell that person to get a divorce. Some people divorce after giving an "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. Back in the old days, if a woman said she wasn't in love with her husband, probably most people wouldn't have suggested divorce. Legally, you had to have grounds back then, and a slump in the feelings isn't grounds.

But one aspect of love is commitment. When Jesus went to the cross, He demonstrated His love for us. He also demonstrated commitment.

The good news about my wife and I are that we both have strong feelings for each other now. We've been praying for our marriage, for ourselves and for each other. I've had plenty of occasions where I've prayed and asked the Lord to speak to her about something, and then she'll tell me the Lord spoke to her about that very thing.

It does help if you tell your partner what you want. You may not know what you want. If your husband came home every day and you greeted him at the door with a smile and a big hug, and he was beaming, happy to see you, and dipped you over for a big kiss, you might both enjoy that. But your husband might not think that he'd want you to greet him at the door every day. And you might never have thought how much you'd like to be kissed like that.

There is a saying, "Fake it till you make it." That sounds awful, but you can work on being very loving to your husband. I've been reading "Love and Respect" with my wife. We aren't that far into it yet, but it's good so far. One of the problems in marriage is if a wife treats her husband with disrespect and so he doesn't show her the proper love, and she doesn't show him the proper respect. That's what the author calls 'The Crazy Cycle.'

There may be some things in your relationship that you haven't notice have changed. Maybe your husband doesn't talk to you in that same gentle kind tone of voice he used when you were dating. Maybe you don't sit around talking where he listens to you like he used to. You might not treat him with the same admiration and appreciation you showed him when you were dating. Physically, the passion may not be the same. If you can really pinpoint what you want and have a conversation where you explain it in a disarming way that doesn't make him defensive, maybe he'll get it and you can give him more of what he wants. It might feel strange to ask for it, but you could remind him of how kindly he used to talk to you, how attentive he used to be.

In the meantime, you can start doing things to show your admiration and respect for him. if you don't feel it, think about good things about him and ask the Lord for help. Be passionate toward him, etc.

I was just thinking this morning how good my wife is too me and what can I do to be a better husband to make her happy. That's one approach. Figure out the areas where he'd like more from you or a change from you, and give. Let him know what you would like, including simple things like listening.

You can also pray together about your marriage and pray alone and ask the Lord to renew that passion and love you once had for your husband. It's the Lord's will for you to love your husband? Right? So remind the Lord of that and of the promise of I John that whatever you ask according to His will you will have it. Then know that you have received and start working on showing that love to your husband.

Thanks, this helped me a lot. Actually I feel a little better about our situation after I posted this a few dats ago. What a difference a few dats makes!

 

[Edward]

Thanks, this helped me a lot. Actually I feel a little better about our situation after I posted this a few dats ago. What a difference a few dats makes!

That's great 20years. I'm glad to hear it.
Sometimes people just have a bad day or week also and just waiting and meditating on the situation helps. Along with hearing different perspectives also.

I'll be praying for you both sister.

 

[Claudya]

If you only knew half of what I do, what I put up with, but put a smile on my face and go out and help others you would not be judging me this harshly. You see the reason I came here is bc I can't be transparent around my friends and family bc they have NO idea the battle I'm struggling. I'm always the one offering up encouragement, being people's cheerleader and being optimistic. I'm known as someone who doesn't "complain".They think we have the perfect marriage. I don't share "my" complaints with them bc I don't want to UNCOVER my husband. So please forgive me if I'm at my wits end and choose to come to an anonymous board to get advice and encouragement.

Maybe that's a point where your life needs change? You need friends with whom you can be yourself and honestly reveal your struggles and your weak points?
I would guess that some of those that respect you as a "cheerleader" wouldn't mind hearing about the darker and weaker sides of you? MAybe they'd feel honoured learning more about the real you?
It's awesome you don't want to uncover your husband, but within the confines of a trusting friendship it's okay to speak about the struggles in your marriage. Everyone needs some disclosure at some point.

 

[Deborah13]

I hadn't really thought of that, but what you say makes perfect sense. The anonymity of the internet serves you well in this capacity and is a good idea for you to get the feedback that you need. Good on you for holding him up in person to those around you, that's very respectful and thoughtful of you to do so.

Remember that the Lord will not put on us more than we can bear. It may seem at times that he's taking you to the absolute limit but don't lose your faith sister. These tribulations that you're going through, are, in the long run...good for you. That may be hard to accept at many times, but I liken it to...being in training. Sort of like military special forces training. they push those guys to the limit to bring out their best in the long run.

Roman 5:3-5
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us./

So thank God that you be found worthy enough for him to work out this weakness from within you and to build you up, into the servant that He would have you to be. He will not leave you nor forsake you. my experience has been that the Lord comes to help, at the last minute...but never late.He wants to see that you hold your faith in Him until the end. To be an overcomer. It is very hard, but good for us, and those that do this without quitting, will be handsomely rewarded. I will continue to pray for you (and your husband) sister. God bless you.

You said, "Remember that the Lord will not put on us more than we can bear."
I'm sure that woman who was thrown down the stairs heard these exact same words. :neutral

 

[Nikki]

OP,

I feel like that a LOT. I've been married for 19 years. I love my husband and care for him, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm "in love". I don't want to be touched and I don't want to be intimate. I've gone from dr to dr and while I DO have low testosterone levels which can cause my feelings (meds have yet to help), I honestly think my problem is life in general. I live a busy and stressful life. I work part time but I do a lot with my kids and their school and sports. I've thought about giving some of that up, but my oldest is a junior and my youngest is a freshman and they will be gone before I know it. I don't want to miss anything before they're gone and we're empty nesters. Plus, I enjoy doing what I do...I think it just catches up with me.

When I finally have down time, I want to be ALONE.

I wish I could give you advice, but I'm right where you are.

 

[ReginaForbes]

Honey, there are some days where I just wanna claw my husband's eyes out...but then I give myself alone time and ponder why I'm so upset. Usually it's because he wants my attention and I don't want to be bothered. Anyways, having alone time every now and then works wonders and I always come back to thinking how much I care for him. If I'm really in a foul mood I ask myself "how would I feel if he were gone?" And that always brings me back to reality. Sometimes you just need a little space to breathe and be alone.