Is it okay to date a person for fun?

[nightsky]

I am a girl in 20s who's been very conservative and religious. until recently, my opinion about dating was that: if a guy is not likely to be my future husband, then don't date at all. like my parents did, i wanted to date only one person in life and get married to that person. So. as ridiculous as it sounds, i've only dated one guy. he had very big potential to be my perfect man of life. He was just as sincere christians as me (we both were much interested in mission and were leaders in christian groups though that`s not how one can measure faith...) but unbelievably he cheated on me.....AFTER all the promises of marriage and etc. i left him and this has impacted me quite enormously.

now i believe that i need more experience in dating guys... but i have conflict in my heart.. is it okay to date someone for this reason?

there is this man who recently came to my life. we both like each other, but i know that this man is not likley going to be my husband because of our circumstances. am i a horrible person? should I stop seeing him? my concern is with my God. I've been praying about it, but i can't hear his voice. would it be okay with God? what does Bible say about dating? can I stll date him knowing that there will not be a real future?

please help..............

 

[inhopeofglory]

Hi,

Firstly, welcome to the boards.

It is NOT ridiculous to have only dated one guy, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Speaking as someone who has recently married, I can tell you that although I recognize the role that my only previous dating relationship has had in teaching me some tough lessons, I truly wish it had never happened. I would much rather have not dated anyone before meeting the young woman who is now my wife.

So I urge you to remain committed to only dating a Christian man for the purpose of possible marriage. You do not need "experience" before meeting that one person whom the Lord wishes you to marry. Believe me, the less "experience" you have beforehand, the sweeter your relationship and marriage will ultimately be. Your emotions will be less tangled, and you will have less "history" to deal with.

Regarding your friend, may I ask why he is "good boyfriend material" but not "husband material"? That alone should ring numerous, very loud alarm bells. A man you cannot marry is not someone you should be dating! Why do you want to date him if you do not think you could marry him? To date "for fun" is, to be blunt, very selfish. You would be entangling yourself with someone who is probably someone else's future husband. How do you think she would feel if she knew? How do you think your future husband would feel if he knew you were becoming emotionally (even if not physically) intimate with another man, not because you were seriously considering the possibility of marriage with the guy, but just because you "wanted some fun"?

This principle of "defrauding" or taking advantage of someone is found in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified." The immediate context is physical adultery, but I believe it can be applied here too. To date "casually" - i.e. without seriously considering marriage - is to take advantage of the other person for selfish gain, whether it's the physical feelings, the emotional intimacy, or the comfort of being liked. It opens you both up to tremendous temptation. It's wrong.

I apologize if I have come across as quite "hardline". But relationships are serious endeavours, and we owe it to the Lord and to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to treat them as such. You can get to know people, socialize and have fun, without having an exclusive, one-on-one relationship with a person. Church groups are the most obvious avenues in your situation, or you can socialize online - here, for example. I met my wife on a Christian online networking site!

Well, I hope and pray that this is useful for you. Feel free to come back with questions or further comments!

Regards, inhopeofglory

 

[lamplady]

welcome nightsky


thought that was the whole point of dating until you want to settle down ... : ...

... but that's coming from someone who's never been on a proper date ...

 

[NestForASparrow]

For myself, if I know that a woman will not be my wife, I don't want to waste my time in a relationship with her. The two of us can still be friends (chances are I am only going to end up dating within my Church), but why complicate a friendship when I know it will not last?

I am of the mind that dating should eventually lead to marriage. In some cultures, when you date someone it kind of implies you wish to marry that person.

Now that is not to say if you are dating someone and the relationship is not working out, you should press on. The purpose of dating is to test the waters. Better to find out it does not work out now than to get married and end up with a divorce. Too many people want to get married as quickly as possible without necessary forbearance.

In the Bible, I think dating can be seen as the same as being betrothed. 1 Corinthians 7

Dating for fun is relatively new in society.

 

[sherri2]

I would like to second what's already been said here (I feel the same) and would also like to add that the whole you need 'experience' in dating men so you're better at picking the 'right one' is a load of rubbish.

If you couldn't see your first serious boyfriend for what he was, what makes you think you'll see any others? Which may sound harsh, but entangling yourself romanticly and emotionally with man after man will just wear those feelings down. You can't get involved and then breakup without loss. And it can take a long time to heal completely (if ever) from an emotional breakup. We're not supposed to be playing the field, using our emotions as gaming chips so to speak. They're all designed to be kept for one person, tempting though it may be to 'have fun' in the meantime.

The bible tells that we reap what we sow and we simply can't use other people and expect to get away with it. Life doesn't really work like that.

You made a mistake. It's much wiser to go to God and ask him why you made that mistake. And trust him with the choice in the future. It's a big step of faith, but it's the only way you can really be assured of getting someone with the same values as yourself. We're all human. But God knows everything about everyone.

I have to admit that on first glance, your post remined me of a church girl I grew up with. She married a pastors son who I'm pretty sure also went to bible college. He cheated on her too. Looks can be decieving and so can peoples past histories. Sometimes it isn't enough. That's why allowing God to choose our future partner can be the wisest choice we ever make in this area.

 

[Bambi]

I am new here myself and also new to the idea of dating, because I have also never dated anyone at 30+

I agree with all that has been said here, I would not date a guy to keep me emotionally fulfilled, he can be a friend and he will know that I think no more of him in that regard, my views and feelings about him can change and if that happens, it’s ok.

I would feel really bad, and it would be a terrible case of rejection lol if I found out a guy was just dating me to past time. If you were in his shoes you like someone to do that to you?

Jesus said (paraphrasing) that we should do unto others how we would like them to treat us.

Go to fellowships and have more friends, leave that place in your heart for the special someone that you would rather want to marry.

You dont worry. This too shall pass

 

[Sparkey]

Concepts of what "dating" is have changed over the centuries. From the things my kids tell me (ages 26 and 23) - many of them too shocking to say publicly --nobody "should" date. When I was in Bible College (back in the early 70's) the women in the church were faced with a choice.

It wasn't easy. To live the Christ-life meant giving up their social life. Guys, even Christian guys, would not "date" women who were chaste. Seemed to me that dating was just finding something that two people would enjoy. An activity. There didn't have to be a romantic involvement. My thought was that the best first date would be to find something that both people (or a group - it didn't have to be the "couple" only) enjoyed. Then, if there wasn't any real match up between the two of them --the worst case would be that they did something that they enjoyed. Saw a good movie or played miniature golf... that sort of thing.

The idea of "dating" being "exclusive" and a metaphor for sexual relations (friends with benefits) was unheard of then.

Is it okay to "date" a person for fun?

To me there is no other reason.

Again, to me, it is perfectly okay to ask somebody to go bowling even if there wasn't any idea of ultimate love in their future. What? If it didn't work out, and if no promises were made - why make a promise to a virtual stranger anyway? Then saying, "I really enjoyed your company and would thank you for a pleasant evening," cold be the end. I'll take heat for suggesting this but finding a person who you aren't attracted to, asking them out to a mutually enjoyable activity (on a 'date') then practicing "breaking-up" with them is perfectly fine too. The waters get muddy only when there are sexual agendas and that is something we are commanded to flee from.

Learning from television isn't the answer though. Would I be "offended" if there were no kiss? Oh, please. Not in the least. I'd be scared if there were. But then, at 57 years, these things are viewed differently. Back in Bible College, after hearing the complaint I did speak to several women - and asked a couple of them out in "dates". It was fun. I still know one (whom I have great fondness for) who is now married to a very nice guy -- both are serving the Lord in the ministry and nothing bad came of it.

The only "bad" that I've encountered from "dating" came from my disobedience and pursuit of my own pleasure.

~Sparrow (Grandpa)

 

[Rinid]

I'll give you my idea on this based off of my life experence. Please take it as my opition not as fact.. now I'm a guy divorced now because my wife did the same and left.

ok that being said it depends on what your idea of dating is. To take dating as getting to know a person and seeing if there is a possiblty for marriage then with boundries I see no reason for not doing this. We have to realize a few things in today's world. People are getting tricky, wanting to have things both ways. Our parents could only date one person who was true to there word and everything ended well. problem is today it's hard to find someone true to there word. So then we have to go by actions. How do we know there actions if we don't date? Now if you think dating means you have sex and try life before marriage then there is all kinds of problems there. Going from what you've posted I'm going to say your defining it to mean the first and not the second.

ok so then what boundries should you have. well you should make it clear what your values are. No sexual relations until after marriage, how you feel about kissing and when you feel it's ok. As you date watch to see if the other person always tries to push you over the boundries. If they agreed to them yet always push you over them and you have to say hey stop this.. then they are not respecting you and are lieing to you. If they don't agree at least they are honest and you can move on. As you date try to make sure the actions speak the same as the words given. As they do or do not you can see what type of person you are dating and see if feelings get stronger or weaker. If your in a position where you feel you are going past your vaules then walk away. it's better to explain later that things were getting out of hand and I had to walk away from it then to have your actions and words be different. Walking away from a situation and a person is different. He should understand that.

Me being a guy have found that girls will often try to push you over limits. My friends ask me if i'm crazy. I just tell them hey I had one divorce and will not have another. Either I find someone with my values or I don't. Either we are of the world or we are different than those in it. Now being honest i've been single a long time. Maybe this is good advise and maybe it's a way so stay single. For me I'd rather find someone with my values even if it means I have to wait forever, than give in and just end in another divorce.