- Dec 20, 2019
- 3,539
- 107
As a mom to many, I often hear the phrase, “I just don’t know how you do it all!” My immediate response to those comments typically falls along the lines of, “Oh, believe me, I don’t. It takes teamwork as a family, and it takes a village!”
For my husband and I, teamwork is essential. It can best be described as “divide and conquer.” Most times, it means coming together, unified, to meet the needs of each of our individual “treasures” (aka our children). With many of our “treasures” having physical or neurodiverse disabilities, that means they also present with some additional unique needs and require some unique care.Empty headi
We share in the sacred privilege of parenting children with intellectual and physical disabilities or differences. We count it an honor to care for the extraordinary treasures that The Father has afforded us; being entrusted in this sacred space and caring for these treasures near and dear to our Father’s heart is an incredible blessing. Each one is created in His image, on purpose, for a purpose, and a specific plan. He knew them intricately and declared their lives as part of His divine plan even before He knit them together in their mother’s womb, as Jeremiah 1:5 tells us.
From the time we felt God calling our family to care for children with unique/special needs, our family’s motto became #weGETtodothis. Even on the toughest, most challenging, exhausting, and depleting days, we still recognize this invitation and calling as an exclusive gift bestowed upon us. Ultimately, it’s an invitation to know Him more intimately. Some of the hardest, most impactful, and most meaningful Kingdom work is done in private without acknowledgment, applause, or accolades but is accomplished in simple, sacred spaces. We get to do this for the King and for His Kingdom.
Our treasures teach us daily, provide healthy perspectives, challenge us, stretch us, and inspire us. Amidst the scariest days, the one thing that scares us most is the simple fact that we could have missed this. We would have missed this marvelous opportunity if we had given into fear, feelings of inadequacy, or insecurities of the unknown. Had we focused on what was safe and comfortable and were unwilling to make sacrifices, we would have missed some of the greatest and grandest chapters God was writing in our story and theirs. If we had limited our “yes” response to what only we could do, we would have done nothing. We could have missed the priceless gift of loving them and the preciousness of being loved by them.
Like parenting any child, it is indeed a blessing and never a burden, but that, in a way, suggests that it is easy. There are many facets to parenting children with different needs and disabilities. It requires significant time, resources, medical education, and, most importantly, total dependence on the Lord. It requires us to keep our eyes on Christ and our focus on Colossians 3:23a, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.”
Learning to juggle the overall needs and navigate demanding schedules for any family can be challenging. Add to that the ongoing medical needs and care required for many of our treasures with special needs, and the challenge naturally increases.
God calls us, leads us, and equips us daily. We need the power, grace, and strength of God within us to accomplish the tasks that are before us. God is always “up to” breaking us of our independence from Him, reminding us it is “Not I, but Christ in me.” And, praise God, we can testify that His grace is always sufficient for the day and all of our tomorrows. Immanuel, God with us, is our greatest need, our soul’s companion, and source of strength.
The Father is also continually pointing us to our need for one another. Of the many lessons we have learned as we grew our family and welcomed those with special needs into our hearts and home was the undeniable fact that God never calls us to do this alone. We were created and designed to desperately need The Father AND need the Body of Christ—the Church. God created us for relationship with Christ and with one another. We need each other. We need community. Each of us needs our village.
All throughout Scripture, we see stories of the saints who needed each other to fulfill their calling and to accomplish the task at hand. Elijah needed Elisha. David needed Jonathan. Paul needed Mark. Naomi needed Ruth. Moses needed Aaron and Hur to hold up his arms, enabling him to fight and persevere to win the battle at hand. Perhaps one of my favorite examples from which we learn this lesson is Mary and Joseph. Yes, even the parents of Jesus needed a common townsman willing to say “yes” for the long-awaited arrival of The Savior of the
world—the innkeeper’s “yes” to simply provide space with the most basic accommodations for Mary and Joseph that night in Bethlehem.
God never meant for any of us as parents to go it alone. He has sovereignly provided for our needs and sends what we need at the precise moment we need it. Sometimes, God sends a friend or neighbor to help meet the needs at hand. Other times, He sends an entire army.
As parents of children with different medical or neurodiverse needs, we must learn to acknowledge our need for help. Then, we must learn to ask for help when needed. That often requires realizing and reckoning with our own will and relinquishing our pride. Simply put, we have to reach the place where we acknowledge we are not all-sufficient in all things, and we must swallow our pride and ask for help.
Our society imposes the belief that in order to be strong, you must strive to do things solo, without the help of others, implying that seeking the help of others suggests weakness. Friend, our greatest enemy and adversary is just hoping we will listen and believe that blatant lie. Such freedom can be found when we learn to validate and normalize our limitations and what is challenging in life!
Far too often, in moments of weariness, we fall for the trap of our adversary, who tirelessly works to instill fear, doubt, and discouragement, steering us to focus on our inadequacies. He taunts us with comments of naysayers and critics as they echo in our minds. Vicious arrows meant to attack targeted straight for our hearts.
This is when preaching truth to ourselves is critical. Don’t fall for the trap. Press into the heart of The Father. Lament what is hard and heavy. Remind yourself often that the more desperate state we are in, the more we realize our desperate need for Him. We cannot do this alone. We were never meant to do this alone. Though our feet may wobble, our hands shake, and our spirit trembles, we can boldly walk in confidence that if He has called us to it, He will carry us through it. Perfect love casts out fear. That doesn’t mean we are not scared. We just know we can do it scared as we partner with Jesus.
When we let down our guard, forfeit the opinions of others, and open our hands to receive help, we grow. We rest. And we bless. Soon, it becomes visible how God is orchestrating these opportunities to intersect lives and bless us and them through our vulnerability. Perhaps even reach others for the purpose of sharing The Gospel and the hope we find in Christ as we rely on His joy as our strength.
I encourage you to make this a matter of prayer. Prayerfully and fervently ask God to send the helpers He has chosen for your family. The safety of our families is of the utmost importance.
God sees and understands our needs better than we do ourselves. If we say we trust Him completely with our lives, then shouldn’t we also learn to release our children and trust Him to care for them in the very best way? That way may just include the assistance of others.
As we pray and “look for the helpers,” as Mr. Rogers taught us, I encourage all to acknowledge the importance of our helpers being on the same page, sharing the same goals, and driven by the same motives. Our helpers may not completely understand everything about our children, or our family for that matter, but if they are willing to show up, be present, and be teachable, take that as a gift. Sometimes, the sweetest friendships blossom with the words, “How can I help?”
The specific needs of our children with disabilities require us to be inside or in close proximity to the child or away at appointments, limiting our ability to do other things. Allowing others to step in and assist not only helps you as a parent but can also benefit all of your children and family.
It takes a village to succeed as a foster or adoptive parent, but how can your village step in and help? There are many ways we can allow others the opportunity to serve as they provide help to our family. A few ideas we as a family have utilized are:
One can explore many creative ways and possibilities to allow others to wrap around your family.
Now that we have welcomed our village with open arms, we naturally want it to become a blessing for them as well. We know firsthand the gift our children are and how we cherish our time together. Now, we get to share that gift with others. As we do, we want to keep a few things in mind to protect relationships.
Remember to make it as convenient as possible for those offering the help. Optimal and convenient are key elements in this new collaboration. We understand their time and resources are valuable and we want to respect and honor that. Time is an enormous gift and is always sacrificial. Learning to be flexible is a must not only as a parent but also as the recipient of the extended help of others. Clear, concise communication is vital. It will help avoid conflict and limit misunderstandings. Humbly expressing our gratitude always helps others feel appreciated and see the impact they are making.
As the primary caregivers, we know the specific needs and the lengthy list of cares necessary. We are very aware of the many medical appointments and therapy sessions scheduled.
Just as we have been educated and equipped to care for each of our children, we must be willing to make the time to do the same for those who desire to help and to do so with the same amount of grace we once desperately needed and would still want extended to us. Remain teachable, glean wisdom and fresh ideas from others, and be willing to share your knowledge with others.
In my personal experience I have witnessed many who may seem reluctant to step in and help, but the reality is they needed to expand their knowledge and experience that helps increase their comfort level. God may be asking us to provide just that—a chance to educate these individuals and offer them opportunities to gain experience.
Sometimes, it’s easy to take offense or feel rejected and abandoned when we are tired and feel isolated. If we approach questions or comments through a different lens, it may prove to have different results and could lead to a positive chain reaction.
The same approach can be helpful when communicating our needs and concerns with our education providers/staff, church leaders, and volunteers. It’s natural for us to show up to these conversations that can be uncomfortable and downright difficult with a “mama bear” posture or even a critical spirit. I firmly believe advocating for our children is a critical responsibility we hold.
Also, I believe we are afforded many opportunities to educate and advocate as we prayerfully come together in grace-filled spaces to share our hearts and concerns while allowing God to move and change hearts (even our own hearts). I have personally witnessed this approach yield more fruit than arriving on the scene ready to argue and make our claims as we declare our rights. I sometimes forget that God really is able to do what feels impossible.
I’ve learned that as I saturate these situations and concerns in prayer and release them all to my Father, He can do more than I ever asked or imagined. My prayer is to boldly advocate with much humility that, by His grace, I may not easily be offended, allowing bitterness to take root and my heart to become hardened, interfering with what He is at work doing amidst this situation.
After our family accepted the grand invitation to answer the call of adoption, along the way, God invited others to be a part of the journey, to “do life” with our family, all the while allowing them the opportunity to witness His work of redemption, healing, and the transformation of lives. Those who joined us on our journey and accepted the invitation are our champions. Their presence, compassion, and hands-on assistance play a significant role in the lives of our treasures.
It’s never about what we can do alone. It’s what our Father is inviting us to do with Him—inviting us to do through Him, all for His glory. Our invitation to serve is not based on our abilities but on our availability and vulnerability. It’s more about our willingness to surrender and submit ourselves to be used as vessels as He sees fit. It’s putting our “yes” on the table and then letting Him ask the questions. Our invitation is about Kingdom work. It’s recognizing our responsibility is to remain faithful and leave the outcome up to God.
The old adage is true, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Through the years, I have learned that “It also takes a child to raise up a village.” The question remains: will we be willing to be vulnerable and brave and open our hearts and homes to welcome in our village? Sometimes, they become the most cherished of friends. The very friend God knew we needed.
The post It Takes a Village to Succeed at Foster and Adoptive Parenting appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
For my husband and I, teamwork is essential. It can best be described as “divide and conquer.” Most times, it means coming together, unified, to meet the needs of each of our individual “treasures” (aka our children). With many of our “treasures” having physical or neurodiverse disabilities, that means they also present with some additional unique needs and require some unique care.Empty headi
It Takes a Village to Raise the Extraordinary
We share in the sacred privilege of parenting children with intellectual and physical disabilities or differences. We count it an honor to care for the extraordinary treasures that The Father has afforded us; being entrusted in this sacred space and caring for these treasures near and dear to our Father’s heart is an incredible blessing. Each one is created in His image, on purpose, for a purpose, and a specific plan. He knew them intricately and declared their lives as part of His divine plan even before He knit them together in their mother’s womb, as Jeremiah 1:5 tells us.
We Get To Do This
From the time we felt God calling our family to care for children with unique/special needs, our family’s motto became #weGETtodothis. Even on the toughest, most challenging, exhausting, and depleting days, we still recognize this invitation and calling as an exclusive gift bestowed upon us. Ultimately, it’s an invitation to know Him more intimately. Some of the hardest, most impactful, and most meaningful Kingdom work is done in private without acknowledgment, applause, or accolades but is accomplished in simple, sacred spaces. We get to do this for the King and for His Kingdom.
We Could Have Missed This
Our treasures teach us daily, provide healthy perspectives, challenge us, stretch us, and inspire us. Amidst the scariest days, the one thing that scares us most is the simple fact that we could have missed this. We would have missed this marvelous opportunity if we had given into fear, feelings of inadequacy, or insecurities of the unknown. Had we focused on what was safe and comfortable and were unwilling to make sacrifices, we would have missed some of the greatest and grandest chapters God was writing in our story and theirs. If we had limited our “yes” response to what only we could do, we would have done nothing. We could have missed the priceless gift of loving them and the preciousness of being loved by them.
Like parenting any child, it is indeed a blessing and never a burden, but that, in a way, suggests that it is easy. There are many facets to parenting children with different needs and disabilities. It requires significant time, resources, medical education, and, most importantly, total dependence on the Lord. It requires us to keep our eyes on Christ and our focus on Colossians 3:23a, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.”
Life Takes a Village
Learning to juggle the overall needs and navigate demanding schedules for any family can be challenging. Add to that the ongoing medical needs and care required for many of our treasures with special needs, and the challenge naturally increases.
God calls us, leads us, and equips us daily. We need the power, grace, and strength of God within us to accomplish the tasks that are before us. God is always “up to” breaking us of our independence from Him, reminding us it is “Not I, but Christ in me.” And, praise God, we can testify that His grace is always sufficient for the day and all of our tomorrows. Immanuel, God with us, is our greatest need, our soul’s companion, and source of strength.
We Need Each Other
The Father is also continually pointing us to our need for one another. Of the many lessons we have learned as we grew our family and welcomed those with special needs into our hearts and home was the undeniable fact that God never calls us to do this alone. We were created and designed to desperately need The Father AND need the Body of Christ—the Church. God created us for relationship with Christ and with one another. We need each other. We need community. Each of us needs our village.
All throughout Scripture, we see stories of the saints who needed each other to fulfill their calling and to accomplish the task at hand. Elijah needed Elisha. David needed Jonathan. Paul needed Mark. Naomi needed Ruth. Moses needed Aaron and Hur to hold up his arms, enabling him to fight and persevere to win the battle at hand. Perhaps one of my favorite examples from which we learn this lesson is Mary and Joseph. Yes, even the parents of Jesus needed a common townsman willing to say “yes” for the long-awaited arrival of The Savior of the
world—the innkeeper’s “yes” to simply provide space with the most basic accommodations for Mary and Joseph that night in Bethlehem.
God never meant for any of us as parents to go it alone. He has sovereignly provided for our needs and sends what we need at the precise moment we need it. Sometimes, God sends a friend or neighbor to help meet the needs at hand. Other times, He sends an entire army.
We Must Learn To Ask for Help
As parents of children with different medical or neurodiverse needs, we must learn to acknowledge our need for help. Then, we must learn to ask for help when needed. That often requires realizing and reckoning with our own will and relinquishing our pride. Simply put, we have to reach the place where we acknowledge we are not all-sufficient in all things, and we must swallow our pride and ask for help.
The Enemy's Lies
Our society imposes the belief that in order to be strong, you must strive to do things solo, without the help of others, implying that seeking the help of others suggests weakness. Friend, our greatest enemy and adversary is just hoping we will listen and believe that blatant lie. Such freedom can be found when we learn to validate and normalize our limitations and what is challenging in life!
Far too often, in moments of weariness, we fall for the trap of our adversary, who tirelessly works to instill fear, doubt, and discouragement, steering us to focus on our inadequacies. He taunts us with comments of naysayers and critics as they echo in our minds. Vicious arrows meant to attack targeted straight for our hearts.
This is when preaching truth to ourselves is critical. Don’t fall for the trap. Press into the heart of The Father. Lament what is hard and heavy. Remind yourself often that the more desperate state we are in, the more we realize our desperate need for Him. We cannot do this alone. We were never meant to do this alone. Though our feet may wobble, our hands shake, and our spirit trembles, we can boldly walk in confidence that if He has called us to it, He will carry us through it. Perfect love casts out fear. That doesn’t mean we are not scared. We just know we can do it scared as we partner with Jesus.
Learning That It Takes a Village and Accepting Their Help is Life-Giving
When we let down our guard, forfeit the opinions of others, and open our hands to receive help, we grow. We rest. And we bless. Soon, it becomes visible how God is orchestrating these opportunities to intersect lives and bless us and them through our vulnerability. Perhaps even reach others for the purpose of sharing The Gospel and the hope we find in Christ as we rely on His joy as our strength.
I encourage you to make this a matter of prayer. Prayerfully and fervently ask God to send the helpers He has chosen for your family. The safety of our families is of the utmost importance.
God sees and understands our needs better than we do ourselves. If we say we trust Him completely with our lives, then shouldn’t we also learn to release our children and trust Him to care for them in the very best way? That way may just include the assistance of others.
As we pray and “look for the helpers,” as Mr. Rogers taught us, I encourage all to acknowledge the importance of our helpers being on the same page, sharing the same goals, and driven by the same motives. Our helpers may not completely understand everything about our children, or our family for that matter, but if they are willing to show up, be present, and be teachable, take that as a gift. Sometimes, the sweetest friendships blossom with the words, “How can I help?”
It Takes a Village: Ways To Welcome Them With Open Arms
The specific needs of our children with disabilities require us to be inside or in close proximity to the child or away at appointments, limiting our ability to do other things. Allowing others to step in and assist not only helps you as a parent but can also benefit all of your children and family.
It takes a village to succeed as a foster or adoptive parent, but how can your village step in and help? There are many ways we can allow others the opportunity to serve as they provide help to our family. A few ideas we as a family have utilized are:
- Respite/child-care for our children with special needs or for their siblings.
- Extra hands around the house for a designated amount of time
- Meals (Providing a meal or meal prep to freeze for a later date)
- Running errands (Grocery store, post office, etc.)
- Transportation to school, sporting events or practices, extra-curricular or church activities, laundry, or cleaning
- Tutoring or assisting with siblings’ homework
- Reading to your children
- Singing with your child/children
- Playtime at the park or outside in your backyard
- Library time
- Creating special snack time or trips for ice cream
- Planning a picnic for siblings or family (even in your backyard)
- Pray over your family and home (invite them to become your prayer warriors as you share specific needs and big dreams in your requests).
One can explore many creative ways and possibilities to allow others to wrap around your family.
It Takes a Village: Make it a Blessing For Them Too!
Now that we have welcomed our village with open arms, we naturally want it to become a blessing for them as well. We know firsthand the gift our children are and how we cherish our time together. Now, we get to share that gift with others. As we do, we want to keep a few things in mind to protect relationships.
Remember to make it as convenient as possible for those offering the help. Optimal and convenient are key elements in this new collaboration. We understand their time and resources are valuable and we want to respect and honor that. Time is an enormous gift and is always sacrificial. Learning to be flexible is a must not only as a parent but also as the recipient of the extended help of others. Clear, concise communication is vital. It will help avoid conflict and limit misunderstandings. Humbly expressing our gratitude always helps others feel appreciated and see the impact they are making.
Educating Our Village
As the primary caregivers, we know the specific needs and the lengthy list of cares necessary. We are very aware of the many medical appointments and therapy sessions scheduled.
Just as we have been educated and equipped to care for each of our children, we must be willing to make the time to do the same for those who desire to help and to do so with the same amount of grace we once desperately needed and would still want extended to us. Remain teachable, glean wisdom and fresh ideas from others, and be willing to share your knowledge with others.
In my personal experience I have witnessed many who may seem reluctant to step in and help, but the reality is they needed to expand their knowledge and experience that helps increase their comfort level. God may be asking us to provide just that—a chance to educate these individuals and offer them opportunities to gain experience.
Communicating Our Needs To Our Village
Sometimes, it’s easy to take offense or feel rejected and abandoned when we are tired and feel isolated. If we approach questions or comments through a different lens, it may prove to have different results and could lead to a positive chain reaction.
The same approach can be helpful when communicating our needs and concerns with our education providers/staff, church leaders, and volunteers. It’s natural for us to show up to these conversations that can be uncomfortable and downright difficult with a “mama bear” posture or even a critical spirit. I firmly believe advocating for our children is a critical responsibility we hold.
Also, I believe we are afforded many opportunities to educate and advocate as we prayerfully come together in grace-filled spaces to share our hearts and concerns while allowing God to move and change hearts (even our own hearts). I have personally witnessed this approach yield more fruit than arriving on the scene ready to argue and make our claims as we declare our rights. I sometimes forget that God really is able to do what feels impossible.
I’ve learned that as I saturate these situations and concerns in prayer and release them all to my Father, He can do more than I ever asked or imagined. My prayer is to boldly advocate with much humility that, by His grace, I may not easily be offended, allowing bitterness to take root and my heart to become hardened, interfering with what He is at work doing amidst this situation.
Accepting the Invitation
After our family accepted the grand invitation to answer the call of adoption, along the way, God invited others to be a part of the journey, to “do life” with our family, all the while allowing them the opportunity to witness His work of redemption, healing, and the transformation of lives. Those who joined us on our journey and accepted the invitation are our champions. Their presence, compassion, and hands-on assistance play a significant role in the lives of our treasures.
It’s never about what we can do alone. It’s what our Father is inviting us to do with Him—inviting us to do through Him, all for His glory. Our invitation to serve is not based on our abilities but on our availability and vulnerability. It’s more about our willingness to surrender and submit ourselves to be used as vessels as He sees fit. It’s putting our “yes” on the table and then letting Him ask the questions. Our invitation is about Kingdom work. It’s recognizing our responsibility is to remain faithful and leave the outcome up to God.
The old adage is true, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Through the years, I have learned that “It also takes a child to raise up a village.” The question remains: will we be willing to be vulnerable and brave and open our hearts and homes to welcome in our village? Sometimes, they become the most cherished of friends. The very friend God knew we needed.
The post It Takes a Village to Succeed at Foster and Adoptive Parenting appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...