just how much say does my mom have in my future relationship choices?

[evenifigoalone]

Okay, first off, this is something I won't have to deal with for at least a couple of years. A few years ago I decided I'd wait until I was 22 or older before getting into a relationship that could lead to marriage.
I used to think I'd never get married, but lately I find myself thinking I'd like to get married one day.

Anyway, this evening, we were talking and my brother says something like "Imagine if her future boyfriend saw that!" in regards to me. My mom was basically like, "She's not going to have a boyfriend."
My response can be summed up as, "No offense, Mom, but I'm over 18, and by the time I get to something like that I'll be over 21."

Which started a discussion, which was cut short when my mom stated she didn't want to talk about it.
Basically, my mom is against dating. Which, I understand her concerns, but I don't think I fully agree with her. (I don't fully disagree, either, but I'm not completely sure what I think.) I don't think she has any sort of plan laid out, but when prodded she will talk about how girls used to stay with their parents until they married and stuff like that. (My response being that that was a different society and time. Girls didn't have careers back then.)

So my question is, exactly how much say does she have in such a decision? Especially considering I'll be over 21 and possibly living on my own by then?
I would want her to be happy with my decision, obviously, and there are things we definitely agree on (such as abstinence until marriage, and he'd have to be a Christian), but I also don't want her so involved that she's the one making decisions instead of me.

 

[farouk]

Some preliminary ideas: a lot of prayer, patience and humility is needed all round. Even if you are 'right' and your mom is 'wrong'. (I'm sure there will be many more aspects raised by others, but what I would also say is that the sooner there is some degree of mutual confidence between yourself the leadership of your new church and their wives, the better.)

It's presumptuous of me to say so, but I think overall you're doing fine. Blessings.

 

[Obadiah]

Church leadership and their wives as well as parents dictate who marries who? I thought arranged marriages were long gone. I understand considering wise advice from parents, but church leaders wives also must approve? I don't know if this is working out very well since statistics show that the divorce rate among conservative Christians is actually higher than that among non-Christians. Anyway, I've not heard of this at any churches I've been attending lately. Is it common practice among other churches, maybe in other areas of the country?

 

[evenifigoalone]

Church leadership and their wives as well as parents dictate who marries who? I thought arranged marriages were long gone. I understand considering wise advice from parents, but church leaders wives also must approve? I don't know if this is working out very well since statistics show that the divorce rate among conservative Christians is actually higher than that among non-Christians. Anyway, I've not heard of this at any churches I've been attending lately. Is it common practice among other churches, maybe in other areas of the country?

Don't think he meant church leadership should dictate how marriage works. I took it as I should get that sorted out before getting into a relationship. If I ever want to ask their advice, it'd be a good idea to have some confidence in them.

 

[farouk]

Church leadership and their wives as well as parents dictate who marries who? I thought arranged marriages were long gone. I understand considering wise advice from parents, but church leaders wives also must approve? I don't know if this is working out very well since statistics show that the divorce rate among conservative Christians is actually higher than that among non-Christians. Anyway, I've not heard of this at any churches I've been attending lately. Is it common practice among other churches, maybe in other areas of the country?

Don't think he meant church leadership should dictate how marriage works. I took it as I should get that sorted out before getting into a relationship. If I ever want to ask their advice, it'd be a good idea to have some confidence in them.

questdriven:

Yes, this is exactly what I meant, especially since you had mentioned that you changed local churches just recently.

Blessings.

 

[duari91]

Okay, first off, this is something I won't have to deal with for at least a couple of years. A few years ago I decided I'd wait until I was 22 or older before getting into a relationship that could lead to marriage.
I used to think I'd never get married, but lately I find myself thinking I'd like to get married one day.

Anyway, this evening, we were talking and my brother says something like "Imagine if her future boyfriend saw that!" in regards to me. My mom was basically like, "She's not going to have a boyfriend."
My response can be summed up as, "No offense, Mom, but I'm over 18, and by the time I get to something like that I'll be over 21."

Which started a discussion, which was cut short when my mom stated she didn't want to talk about it.
Basically, my mom is against dating. Which, I understand her concerns, but I don't think I fully agree with her. (I don't fully disagree, either, but I'm not completely sure what I think.) I don't think she has any sort of plan laid out, but when prodded she will talk about how girls used to stay with their parents until they married and stuff like that. (My response being that that was a different society and time. Girls didn't have careers back then.)

So my question is, exactly how much say does she have in such a decision? Especially considering I'll be over 21 and possibly living on my own by then?
I would want her to be happy with my decision, obviously, and there are things we definitely agree on (such as abstinence until marriage, and he'd have to be a Christian), but I also don't want her so involved that she's the one making decisions instead of me.

Short answer: No, your parents have no preliminary power over your relationships. None.

Longer Description: It is important to realize something. Dating is not to be done to have a good time. It is not done to act on an urge you may have on a crush. It is, however, used to seek a future husband/wife. More broadly, a family. When you date, you are communicating a specific idea to everyone around you. You are letting them know that you have decided to start a family. That always begins with a husband/wife. Remember that no one, not even your parents, can deny you a God given right. However; be prepared for the adult responsibilities and consequences that follow. When you commit to a person and get married, God expects you to be with that person until death parts you. Of course, there are some circumstances that may change that, but you shouldn't count on those circumstances happening. You should be ready, and fully expect to spend the rest of your life with the person you choose. Don't forget that children, and extra financial responsibilities are soon to follow after a marriage. With all of that in mind, if you feel like you are ready to embark down that road, then by all means. Go ahead and date. You can even keep those events within your private life if you so choose. Especially if you feel like you don't want anyone else involved.

Don't forget, your Mom was in your position at one time as well. She had the right to find your dad, and so should you have the right to find your husband.

Blessings.

 

[CornerStone]

None, quite frankly. The Bible commands us to "leave" and "cleave."

 

[farouk]

PS: [MENTION=89910]questdriven[/MENTION] :

Also, remember that for you and your mom a bf is current a theoretical matter. You are attracted to the idea; she seems to recoil from it. But if you meet a nice Christian young man and your mom gets to like the real person, the whole issue may go away. Keep praying about it, anyway.

Blessings.

 

[Blazin Bones]

I've seen plenty of great responses. Mom does not have a say in who you date. It always makes things easier when the parents approve, but that is not a must. However, don't be too quick to dismiss Mom's thoughts either. Her life has given her wisdom that young adults like you and I do not have until we go through similar situations. As I am enjoying marriage now for almost 4 years and as I have been blessed by two children, I have been able to see things from my parents PoV more clearer. Something I now agree with them on, while other I still do not. What a shame it would be though to not let their thoughts shaped by many more years of life temper my own thoughts.