Just writing

[Christ_empowered]

I got up early early again! In my small southern city. Or rather in my modest nice apartment in a complex in a small southern city. ?️
I got in my vehicle ? and drove around a bit…I really shouldn’t have my glasses were not clean and neither was the windshield for some reason…but I did and…


At nearly 40! With a label ?️ of schizophrenia ! I seem to have adulted…note the past tense it’s a blessing in and of itself…a bit.

The small southern city ? is pretty much America ?? with a southern drawl lots of bbq ? joints and a rather frightening number of SBC churches ️. And…


As I drove I almost felt as if I was in the Polar Express. Dark dark dark…cool and crisp…headlights and sometimes street lights especially in the sprawl. And there is always sprawl in any city USA .
I’ve adulted in Christ Jesus who alone can truly save anyone and truthfully? Only Jesus Christ is able to adult me for some reason any number of reasons.

My parents are amazing and probably waking up now in their house ? in a nearby small southern town. Don’t get sentimental because small southern towns never were what they pretended to be. Then again no place ever was or is…


Their town saw a housing boom ? and now the population is set to double just like that…

It isn’t just that the population is growing there or that this small southern city ?️ is growing too and has grown already…


It’s that more people move and even more people move in their place and nothing is the same as 20 10 even 5 years ago. Everyone is more about their own business ?‍? and what’s in it for them and their family and friends…I see now friends are a passing thing anyway friends today forgotten tomorrow….

Maybe it’s the true cooling down of life and intensity of it all…that gets to me.

Maybe we’re all on the polar express?

 

[Christ_empowered]

I had a thought today…more like a short conversation…with my best friend. But it wasn’t her it was her 20 years ago back when we were still in our youth and living together and…

She is no more. She is alive thank goodness but she’s a tea adult ? now with a corporate job and a husband and a house ? and all…all that being an adult in these United States often entails.

Let’s not get too sentimental about youth. Suicide rates are often higher for the 16-24 set. Me? I remember my 22nd birthday ? at the place I shared with my then best friend and another person. Yay ? except…wait a minute…

22. Still barely in youth but 25 beckons. Besides cut throat and competitive as the world ? really is my life was basically over. At 22 I looked 27 and I was HIV positive and not expected to live much longer. Too much involuntary electroshock and some sort of brain operation at a private for profit mental hospital ?. And…

Prematurely aged and not going to live much longer and my then middle class parents were supporting me and I was balding and…

The party ? was fun ?. My best friend was over me by the time I hit 25. Happens. And…

I’m 40 now. I look about 35. I got taller around 25 or so. Average height is better than being short especially in my case and…

I never was treated for HIV. I wonder ? sometimes if I should pursue it now but it’s been over 20 years since I was infected in all likelihood. I’m healthy now. Definitely not balding although I wish I could fix my widows peak. And…

My parents are not rich but they retired after moving up a good bit.

After 22 came 23 which brought my descent into madness while trying to go back to school ?. Brain scan showed severe brain damage…more shock treatments because…well why not? And…

I keep hearing that I have cancer or has cancer and I don’t know ?‍ what to make of it. In my little room in the psych ward age 23 I heard…because I was supposed to hear it’s how shrinks do things in hospitals ?…

That I had maybe 6 months to live. Keep him on his parents insurance let nature run its course. My dad’s anger towards me at the hospital…
Back at their house…power shut off to the room I stayed in because I was a brain damaged loser because I didn’t matter because…

I still don’t get it. Put aside what is behind and press forward…

Evil world ?

I turned 25 in another state learning about Jesus Christ at a rehab place. I got truly saved at 28. Whose timing ? I often still wonder ?

I’m 40 now and I’m taunted about my psych labels ?️ and the treatments and a cop…

At a local store ? came up to me and said that I should have shot myself. He was in gear with the vest and all and…? That was maybe one year ago.

People are trying to drive me out of this place. But my parents bought it already and they were even able to just buy it no mortgage and thank goodness ? because…

It really is a cruel world ?️

But Jesus Christ has begun a work in me and He will see it through…

My youth wasn’t wasted so much as somehow I was transformed in Christ at all levels. The physical changes…

No balding taller no premature aging no more girly button nose and high cheek bones now…

Are awesome ? and I think ? maybe possibly…

Necessary?!? My dad’s anger towards me has given way to cautious warmth. I don’t know ? what a brain scan might show but I apparently have a high iq estimate now…


I pray for His will for me. And blessings for my parents and my enemies too.

A bit confused ?‍? but mightily blessed ?.

Thanks for reading ?

 

[Christ_empowered]

I sometimes think that schizophrenia may be part of God’s work in my life.
I had a long and ridiculous and rather pointless psych history before I officially became schizophrenic. As best I can tell the transition was anticlimactic to the max; one day i was a burn out forever weighed down by my various labels and misdeeds….

And then I was schizophrenic in need of treatment and help for a full recovery.

I thought ? for a time that I could accept the social label of schizophrenia but not an illness itself. Now?

Schizophrenia is a vague diagnosis. My own official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. People with schizophrenia often experience severe depression. Some of us have manic episodes here and there. Thing is…

Ugh ? anyway schizophrenia. I don’t do reality as well as most people. I think my recovery overlaps with my increasing faith in Christ. Not that I’m a super Christian.

As I type this people in the upstairs unit are taunting me again. If I can hear their conversations it’s because they either want me to hear it or they do not care. So there’s that.

I only get disability because my parents got me on disability and it’s not much. I’m thankful for it and for what’s left of the safety net. My parents worked with a lawyer and set it up so I can live a modest lifestyle and still have disability. I’m grateful ? and also very aware…

The upstairs neighbor man somehow knows that I’m prescribed neurontin and abilify. I’m living off the tax dollars do I should be on haldol. They need to take him off disability. His parents cannot help him. On and on…

No it isn’t fun being schizophrenic and a lot of it is because of junk like this. And yet…

God is Love. My parents are kind to me. I’m healthy. I have a high iq estimate which to me is more about God’s will and redemption than me being special or anything. At one point my iq estimate dipped to 95. A brain scan showed that I should probably be a vegetable to quote the nurse ?‍ at the 2nd psych hospital ?. God is Good. Truly.

Out of the disintegration has come growing faith and new ways of being of doing life. Maybe ? maybe my schizophrenia isn’t so much God’s work as my recovery is…

My recovery is a blessing from Christ and part of my sanctification.