“Ministry would be great if it weren’t for people.” This quote, although spoken mostly in jest, has sadly been around for a long time. Perhaps what lies at the core of this saying is the inevitability of conflict, not only in ministry, but everywhere in life. Marriages, churches, sports teams, businesses, and more face conflict from time to time. Every relationship will experience conflict.
The past few years have elevated the prevalence of conflict, and Christian organizations and churches are not immune. I used to tell pastors that if we don’t have around five percent of our congregation upset with us, we probably aren’t leading anywhere. But if 75% of the people are unhappy with our leadership, we aren’t leading well, either! However, since the global pandemic, it has become normal for a much greater share of a congregation to be upset with their leaders than before. Other organizations reflect this as well.
Conflict comes with the territory of being a leader, but it has become acute today. So how do we process and respond to conflict?
While conflict is inevitable, dealing with conflict in a healthy manner might not come naturally to a leader. It’s not something we need to go looking for; it’s also something we do not need to fear. Sometimes conflict can be helpful. We aren’t always right, and sometimes those who oppose our leadership are right. Learning to work through conflict can be a redemptive growing process for us and the people we lead.
Perhaps you’ve heard a well-meaning, über-spiritual person say, “If you just pray and seek the Lord long enough, you will avoid conflict.” That’s a great statement with only one problem—it’s just not true. We can’t fix real problems by avoiding or over-spiritualizing them.
Look at the early church—they spent much of their time in prayer. In fact, the church was birthed out of a prayer meeting. They focused on being witnesses of the gospel and yet they still faced conflicts. In Acts, Paul and Barnabas clashed right out of the gate over John Mark’s role in their church planting missionary work. Large sections of the narrative in Acts (6:1-7 and all of chapter 15, for example) are devoted to overcoming conflict within the church. That doesn’t even include the many references to conflicts with the unbelievers throughout the book!
There’s a good reason Paul constantly called churches to unity: we don’t naturally drift toward unity. Consequently, we need to be mindful of nurturing and safeguarding our unity.
If we are leaders, whether as parents, pastors, or in other roles, dealing with conflict is our job. We can’t escape it, and we shouldn’t avoid it, but we can find healthy, effective ways to lean into conflict.
We’ve all heard the saying that if you see every problem as a nail, you will see every solution as a hammer.
Sometimes the best first step in a conflict is to table things for a bit and wait. If we see that people are polarized on an issue, or that we ourselves are too worked up to handle it, perhaps a pause can help to deal with the issue at a level higher than our initial reactions allow. Often the best thing to do is to sleep on an issue and come back to it at a later time when all parties are more levelheaded.
But we also should avoid unnecessary fights. Remember the advice of Sun Tzu in The Art of War: “Don’t fight battles you can’t win.” As a young man, I died on every hill, but I’ve since learned there are many hills that are not worth dying on. We don’t have to join every fight to which we’re invited, and many are simply not worth the fight.
Arguing with a contentious person is like wrestling with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it. We should sit these fights out.
If someone is good at debate, they may be tempted to step into conflict to win the argument. In the process, they may cause collateral damage, such as the needless loss of a friend. We should be wary about entering into conflict for the sake of proving ourselves right.
The backfire effect refers to encounters where the more one person in a conflict becomes convinced their position is true, the harder they feel they must defend it. It’s a cognitive bias that causes people—due to embarrassment, pride, or fear of being proven wrong—to dig in their heels and argue their cause, even if it’s not the rational thing to do. Nowadays, we call this “doubling down.” Participating in conflict may result in the backfire effect for us or others involved, so we must remember that we, too, can be wrong and need to be open to that possibility.
Many leaders develop habits of shaming others as a tool to get their way. Some people in the organization may resort to emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, crocodile tears, or speaking in half-truths or exaggeration. This is deceitful and destructive. Sadly, this behavior happens too often in churches or other Christian organizations when serious conflict occurs. When leaders receive a pass for childlike behavior because of their positions, they breed cultures of fear that can ultimately result in any number of abusive outcomes.
Conflict provides an opportunity for us to model honesty, kindness, and commitment to truth in difficult situations.
We must avoid two extremes in conflict. The first is treating a real conflict like it’s not a big deal, either because we don’t see its importance or because we prefer avoiding conflict. The second is turning minor disagreements into drama and creating tension in ways that are neither helpful nor necessary.
Chuck Lawless offers us some helpful questions when facing conflict:
We tend to overblow situations when we’re under periods of stress, or when we’re worn out. We also overblow situations when the situation hits an emotional nerve in us––often rooted in our own inability as leaders to separate “Who I am” in Christ from “What I do” for Christ. Developing practices of identifying when we’re making a mountain our of a molehill, understanding why, and taking mitigating steps to control our irrational impulses, helps us handle conflict in proportion to its seriousness.
Next week, in part 2 of this article, we will take a look at what leaning into a conflict means.
The post Leaders Lean into Conflict–Part 1 appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
The past few years have elevated the prevalence of conflict, and Christian organizations and churches are not immune. I used to tell pastors that if we don’t have around five percent of our congregation upset with us, we probably aren’t leading anywhere. But if 75% of the people are unhappy with our leadership, we aren’t leading well, either! However, since the global pandemic, it has become normal for a much greater share of a congregation to be upset with their leaders than before. Other organizations reflect this as well.
Conflict comes with the territory of being a leader, but it has become acute today. So how do we process and respond to conflict?
Conflict is inevitable
While conflict is inevitable, dealing with conflict in a healthy manner might not come naturally to a leader. It’s not something we need to go looking for; it’s also something we do not need to fear. Sometimes conflict can be helpful. We aren’t always right, and sometimes those who oppose our leadership are right. Learning to work through conflict can be a redemptive growing process for us and the people we lead.
Perhaps you’ve heard a well-meaning, über-spiritual person say, “If you just pray and seek the Lord long enough, you will avoid conflict.” That’s a great statement with only one problem—it’s just not true. We can’t fix real problems by avoiding or over-spiritualizing them.
Look at the early church—they spent much of their time in prayer. In fact, the church was birthed out of a prayer meeting. They focused on being witnesses of the gospel and yet they still faced conflicts. In Acts, Paul and Barnabas clashed right out of the gate over John Mark’s role in their church planting missionary work. Large sections of the narrative in Acts (6:1-7 and all of chapter 15, for example) are devoted to overcoming conflict within the church. That doesn’t even include the many references to conflicts with the unbelievers throughout the book!
There’s a good reason Paul constantly called churches to unity: we don’t naturally drift toward unity. Consequently, we need to be mindful of nurturing and safeguarding our unity.
If we are leaders, whether as parents, pastors, or in other roles, dealing with conflict is our job. We can’t escape it, and we shouldn’t avoid it, but we can find healthy, effective ways to lean into conflict.
What leaning in doesn’t mean
1. Leaning into conflict doesn’t always require confrontation.
We’ve all heard the saying that if you see every problem as a nail, you will see every solution as a hammer.
Sometimes the best first step in a conflict is to table things for a bit and wait. If we see that people are polarized on an issue, or that we ourselves are too worked up to handle it, perhaps a pause can help to deal with the issue at a level higher than our initial reactions allow. Often the best thing to do is to sleep on an issue and come back to it at a later time when all parties are more levelheaded.
But we also should avoid unnecessary fights. Remember the advice of Sun Tzu in The Art of War: “Don’t fight battles you can’t win.” As a young man, I died on every hill, but I’ve since learned there are many hills that are not worth dying on. We don’t have to join every fight to which we’re invited, and many are simply not worth the fight.
Arguing with a contentious person is like wrestling with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it. We should sit these fights out.
2. Leaning into conflict doesn’t mean the main goal is to win the debate.
If someone is good at debate, they may be tempted to step into conflict to win the argument. In the process, they may cause collateral damage, such as the needless loss of a friend. We should be wary about entering into conflict for the sake of proving ourselves right.
The backfire effect refers to encounters where the more one person in a conflict becomes convinced their position is true, the harder they feel they must defend it. It’s a cognitive bias that causes people—due to embarrassment, pride, or fear of being proven wrong—to dig in their heels and argue their cause, even if it’s not the rational thing to do. Nowadays, we call this “doubling down.” Participating in conflict may result in the backfire effect for us or others involved, so we must remember that we, too, can be wrong and need to be open to that possibility.
3. Leaning into conflict doesn’t authorize inappropriate behavior by those involved.
Many leaders develop habits of shaming others as a tool to get their way. Some people in the organization may resort to emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, crocodile tears, or speaking in half-truths or exaggeration. This is deceitful and destructive. Sadly, this behavior happens too often in churches or other Christian organizations when serious conflict occurs. When leaders receive a pass for childlike behavior because of their positions, they breed cultures of fear that can ultimately result in any number of abusive outcomes.
Conflict provides an opportunity for us to model honesty, kindness, and commitment to truth in difficult situations.
4. Leaning into conflict doesn’t mean overblowing the situation.
We must avoid two extremes in conflict. The first is treating a real conflict like it’s not a big deal, either because we don’t see its importance or because we prefer avoiding conflict. The second is turning minor disagreements into drama and creating tension in ways that are neither helpful nor necessary.
Chuck Lawless offers us some helpful questions when facing conflict:
- Will this matter a year from now?
- How many people are truly opposed to this?
- Do I need to involve others in my decision-making process?
- Can I put this out with a squirt gun? Do I really need a fire hose?
- What’s the worst thing that can happen?
- Have I prayed about my response?
We tend to overblow situations when we’re under periods of stress, or when we’re worn out. We also overblow situations when the situation hits an emotional nerve in us––often rooted in our own inability as leaders to separate “Who I am” in Christ from “What I do” for Christ. Developing practices of identifying when we’re making a mountain our of a molehill, understanding why, and taking mitigating steps to control our irrational impulses, helps us handle conflict in proportion to its seriousness.
Next week, in part 2 of this article, we will take a look at what leaning into a conflict means.
The post Leaders Lean into Conflict–Part 1 appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...