Living in Fear

[MayMay]

My whole life, I have lived in fear. I am tired of it because it makes me miserable because I"m constantly worried about something. For instance; I am constantly afraid that my husband of 2 1/2 years is going to leave me, cheat on me, or something else. I am making him miserable because I don't trust him. I have no reason to not trust him so far as fas as cheating goes because he's never given me a reason. The thing is, my very first boyfriend cheated on me as did my second and my husband is only the 3rd guy I've been with. My step-dad cheated on my mom, my grandpa cheated on my grandma, my aunt cheated on my uncle, etc.... It's obvious why I have major trust issues with men and because of all the men in the past, my husband has to suffer for it. I've tried my hardest to work on my trust issue with him but every time something little comes up like him not kissing me bye in the morning before he leaves for work, which by the way he has done for 2 1/2 years and only missed two days so far and those two days I freaked out on him. He always thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing but he doesn't understand why I have this trust issue. I've tried to explain it to him but he just doesn't get it. It doesn't help that he has an addiction to porn, which I know just about every man does but that doesn't help the trust issue. I just wish I wouldn't get so upset over the smallest things because I know eventually it's going to run him off and I don't want to lose a good thing. My husband is a very good person, he makes mistakes like everyone else, but I put him up on this pedestal because of the kind of person he is so when he does mess up, I get really upset. There are days that I'm just so positive that he loves me and then the days that maybe he's not as affectionate, I started second guessing. I would go into detail about how he is such a wonderful guy, but that would take too long. I know it could be alot worse. I could be a wife that's beaten everyday and controlled but he is not at all like that. He is totally opposite. He's never laid a hand on me and honestly my temper is much worse than his. I expect him to do the same exact things everyday and when he doesn't I start thinking things. He's always with me unless he's at work. He doesn't even go hang out with other guys and I don't hang out with other girls. I really don't know why it's this way because he's a very outgoing, social person. I just want to know if anyone else stuggles with trust problems or if anyone has any good advice to deal with his before I make a mistake that I regret.

 

[LostSoul]

MayMay,

Trust is the single most important component of any relationship, save for a mutual faith in God, especially marriage. Without it....it is difficult to truly have respect amongst other things in the relationship....including faith. It is understandable why you would harbor so much insecurity when you have had so many poor examples of love shown to you by your loved ones and former relationship interests.

As a wife....who has had some trust issues herself, please believe me when I say the longer you let this go on....the more damage it is bound to do. MayMay...I have let my lack of trust get so out of hand in the past that I was resorting to go so far as to check my husband's e-mail. In short....I found myself finding nothing but a heartbroken spouse who has never really given me a reason to doubt him having a hard time feeling I respected him at all.

I am young yet....so I will admit my words may mean not too much. For I do still have much yet to learn at the age of 24. Something I have come to know though is that love is precious and a good man is very hard to find. When you have them...they are a blessing. Especially if you feel God put the two of you together. After all...is it not said....let no man put what God has joined together assunder?

Try counseling....try seeking reassurance from your husband...and most importantly...try giving the matter to God. He is the best counselor in the world, and the most understanding Father any of us could want. He knows your heart, as well as that of your husband. He can see you t hrough even these most trying times in your life. My heart goes out to you MayMay. For I can understand your situation to a point. Only perhaps not as broadly seeing as ....I was a cheater....who has now repented and dared not look away from the one I love again. For there is no greater treasure God gives us on this earth than love.

May God Bless You

Danielle

 

[Timf]

My whole life, I have lived in fear.

1Jo 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

The word "perfect" can also be translated complete. The relationship between love and fear can be better understood by examining the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13.

1Co 13:4-7 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Essentially love is selflessness. Selfishness is the absence of love and promotes the growth of fear (among other things).

The Christian is called to give up selfishness;

2Co 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

It is such a strong part of our human nature to be selfish that one can reasonably ask how in the world can we become unselfish. The answer is in the transforming power of Jesus. In James 4 is a description of a process where we draw close to God and He will draw close to us. The key to this process is humility. When we empty ourselves to God, we are ready to be filled by His Spirit.

It is good to get help with this from an older wiser Christian woman who shows the light and love of Jesus in her own life.

Your husband might benefit from Christian instruction from an older and wiser man. Some husbands do not understand that their wives need reassurance and how to make their wives know that they are loved, needed, and appreciated.

 

[lovely]

May May,

Welcome here.

I would like to encourage you to learn more about the kind of woman God desires you to be. God desires for you to fear Him, and love Him, and as Tim has said all fears will be cast out. God also expects you to trust Him by being submissive to your husband...this involves having a quiet spirit.

1 Peter 3
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Not all men are addicted to pornography. Pray for your husband that he would grow in virtue.
Here is a verse to help you both.

2 Peter 1
1 Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ:
2 Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord,
3 According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
Peter exhorts his readers to make their calling certain, by faith and other virtues
5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
9 But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.
10 Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:
11 For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

The Lord bless you.

 

[tim-from-pa]

I'll make this simple:

From a human perspective, it seems you have lack of confidence in yourself and perhaps take the stance of letting things happen to you instead of taking charge yourself. Naturally this will create trust problems if you can't trust yourself or feel secure in yourself. My prediction here is that even without a marital relationship that your negative feelings would just be attached to something else, e.g. if you got a great job you'd think that your fellow employees are out to demote you or get you fired. etc. etc. and indeed you said "my whole life I lived in fear" which supports what I say. Watch how you think---- sometimes people have a way of picking up on those thoughts so that they happen. Not to scare you, but that is true. If you are at least open with your husband about your fears, then that's a start in the right direction and then he can at least realize that it's something you are struggling with when the times get rough.

From a biblical perspective, I need not quote verses how God expects faith instead of fear as the others so well pointed out. However, how do we get that faith? Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. He have to study and study hard the scriptures and piece together what life is about and what God expects. When one gets wrapped up in the scriptures, one finds (at least I did) that the fear dissipates. But once we forget them, it returns.

 

[lovely]

From a biblical perspective, I need not quote verses how God expects faith instead of fear as the others so well pointed out. However, how do we get that faith? Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. He have to study and study hard the scriptures and piece together what life is about and what God expects. When one gets wrapped up in the scriptures, one finds (at least I did) that the fear dissipates. But once we forget them, it returns.

Tim, this is so true. I am encouraged to get 'wrapped up in the scriptures' after reading it. The Lord bless you for sharing it, and your are right it's so simple.

May May, I came back to this thread, because wanted to share a verse that helped me a great deal in my life with my own lack of faith, fear, and hopelessness...it was the inspiration for my name here...maybe it can be your first scripture to get wrapped up in.

Philippians 4
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

My prayers tonight, and may the Lord keep you.

 

[destiny]

I agree with all the posts here; Scripture is a good way to combat fear. Also, the enemy will build a nest of lies in our life to keep us living in fear and unbelief, but once those lies are exposed by Gods Word the game is up.
For every lie whispered to you, combat it with the sword of the spirit (the word of God) and the shield of FAITH.

Have some scripture ready each time something fearful comes to mind and completely trust the Lord. Put on the whole Armor of God..

Guaranteed remedy:
Ephesians 6:11-17

11Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

15And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

16Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

 

[lovely]

I hope she's reading.