Modern Dating vs Biblical Dating

[God's_gift]

Are there bible verses to defend modern dating?
what's the differece between the two?

 

[Danus]

Are there bible verses to defend modern dating?
what's the differece between the two?

Well, I'm not sure what's meant by "Modern Dating". The bible does not explicitly describe dating, but it does lay forth principles that we can gleam from.

I'd say we can delineate from a world view of dating, (Which can mean anything) vs a biblical view of dating, which is more specific in how we relate to others.

My advice to anyone seeking a Christian based relationship is to discover the character of a person before making any commitment to him or her.

The world view of dating tends to take on a sexual connotation, and while that may cross over to the Christian view of dating ultimately, it should mean marriage, but at the very least commitment.

We live in very convenient times today, with many people. Courtship has lost much of it's significance of times past when people had a real sense of survival that was part of the reason they hooked up in the first place.

But if love, by Christian standard, is to be the centerpiece of a relationship between a man and a woman, than it ("Christ centered love") needs to be at the forefront of the endever.

If we want to discover the character of a potential mate then the bible is filled with scripture on that. However, we should first apply that to ourselves before we can honestly apply it to anyone else.

The bible says we are not to be unequally yoked, but interestingly we often think of that principle with the idea of the other person being less than us somehow, or measuring them against us, but I wonder how much single people turn that principle around to say; "I'm I worthy of that other person?"

In my own experiences as a non-Christian and later being Christian, I see a huge difference in how I went about dating, and the relationships I forged within those conditions.

I was single (Divorced) when I became a Christian. I did not date for a while, but when I did I leaned on my non-Christian ways because it was all I knew, so to speak. But, I quickly began to see what God had in mind, and as my relationship with Christ grew, so did my understanding of my relationship with others.

People are attracted not just by physical appearance but also by character, and in this way we are not always so unevenly yoked. But, what about this dating thing?

There was a time when marriages where arranged. A father and mother did the dating for their children. This still goes on to some degree. There where times and customs that did not allow young people to be alone together. I still think this is a good idea. You know, hold a barn dance or something ...give singles only an opportunity for a stolen glance or smile at each other then they can't meet again until next month, and they only get the opportunity to agree to marry when they sneak away from chores and speak at the fence post.

Modern dating is a test of true character I think. People are more independent and mobile, they are not confined to a Christian moral culture, since that's dead, and they must rely on their own relationship with God to direct them.

 

[Adullam]

Are there bible verses to defend modern dating?
what's the differece between the two?

There's no such thing as dating from a Christian perspective. You are with people (plural) and yet get betrothed (usually by arranged marriage) and then you are wed.

We still have arranged marriages. God chooses your mate for you.

 

[Danus]

We still have arranged marriages. God chooses your mate for you.

Ah good point.

 

[felix]

Are there bible verses to defend modern dating?
what's the differece between the two?

"Biblical Dating" itself is a wrong word as "dating" is unbibical.

Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple. (Source: Wiki)

How about Christ assessing his bride, the church? We know we are lost and in no way comparable to His holiness, yet Christ didn't date first to assessing before creating a new marriage covenant to make us His bride. Are we supposed to follow Christ or the 1960s sexual revolution which destroyed the western society's morality? Since it is the 3rd generation after this so called sexual revolution in the west, it became a part of their culture and none from that culture would accept anything else as they were born, brought up and tuned into such system.

Here are some pointers on how marriage happens as per Bible:
1. Father decides his daughter's husband:
It is the Father of the bride gives her daughter to a husband as in Deut 22:16, Exod 22:17 and 1Sam 17:25.
2. Jacob loved Rachel
If you read Gen 29:13-19, Jacob didn't have any courtship and never asked if Rachel loved him back but tried to marry her by asking her from her father.

I believe somewhere in the beginning of the 19th and 20th centuries, even in the west, it used to be the same way as scriptures point out.. I mean like the man asks a woman to be her wife from her father and not herself. But as I pointed out, it all changed after the sexual revolution in 1960s.

 

[handy]

What constitutes "marriage" isn't something that is spelled out in the scriptures. It seems to be something that God has left to society to determine. In OT times, we see that there was always a recognition between the families and the community that a couple went from being single to being married... so just moving in with each other is out.... but even the Bible shows us different things about marriage.

Isaac married Rebecca almost sight unseen... his father's servant did all the preliminary arrangements, got consent from Rebecca, her father and her brother (and yes, Rebecca did consent to the marriage..."arranged" didn't mean forced), paid the dowry, transported the bride back to Canaan. It seems all that constituted the "wedding" and once Rebecca and Isaac met, he took her into his mother's tent and the marriage was consummated.

Naomi had Ruth lay at the feet of Boaz and he went before the community to work out the details of a levirate marriage between himself and Ruth. There was a relative who was closer to Naomi's husband that seems to have had the right and responsibility but he let Boaz "redeem" the property from Naomi and used the levirate marriage so that Naomi's husband and son's inheritance would go to Ruth's children.

When David married Abigale, parents weren't part of the picture at all. David sent a message to Abigale and Abigale consented to the match, gathered her things and maids and went to him.

By Jesus' time, we see weddings. I far as I can tell there is no mention of weddings prior to the new testament. It seems that the culture had developed and changed over time so that the relatively simple process of arranging a marriage, paying a dowry and moving in with each other became a celebration that could last several days.

Courtship isn't a concept that is found in the bible any more than dating is. For all the volumes written about "biblical courtship"... I've looked folks... and the modern view of "biblical courtship" while all well and good, isn't really found in the Bible.

We do know that marriage was an arrangement in which the father "gave" his virgin daughter to the husband (and this was usually after a dowry was paid, giving some justification to the more pejorative "sold") but the laws that are spoken of in the Pentateuch generally describe what is to be done when someone is violating the principle of marriage... not constituting exactly what marriage is in the first place. If an unbetrothed virgin was found sleeping with a guy, he had to pay the dowry and they were to be considered married. If the guy no longer fancied his wife, her father had the right to go before the community and condemn him for rejecting his virgin bride. Again, all this has to do with virgins. Widows seemed to have much more leeway... Ruth married Boaz without going back to her father, as mentioned Abigale married David with no parental involvement.

And none of this describes "biblical courtship". Most websites that devote themselves to the promotion of "biblical courtship", while they contain much good information for young marriageable adults to take heed of, do not describe "biblical courtship" in the least.

My point to all of this is that since what constitutes "marriage" isn't spelled out in the Scriptures and "biblical courtship" is a modern invention that doesn't exist in the Scriptures.... Christians are fairly free to do as they like in this matter.

No, not at all to just by-pass marriage and move in. Marriage itself is the standard... and marriage in the Bible was always recognized by the families and the community of those involved.

But, whether that marriage starts off by your father's employee traveling to the "old country" to select a bride, gain her and her family's consent, pay a dowry and bring her home to you... or a festive occasion where the running out of wine is a crises worthy of divine intervention... or a day with a white dress, vows before the congregation, a toast and a dance (and the all important signing of the license) is all up to us really.

And, because what constitutes marriage is set by society... what constitutes the proper lead up to that marriage is also set by society. For better or for worse. In the old days and even now in many countries... parents arranged the marriage. That's neither right or wrong... it's just what happens. In America, and many Western countries we have dating, the engagement, the wedding and (supposedly) life ever after. That's neither right nor wrong either... it's just how it happens in our society. I know of one society (I studied Cultural Anthropology in college) in which marriage constituted the bride's mother making a special blanket or mat for her daughter and putting it in the guy's hut. Again, neither right nor wrong, it was what constituted binding marriage in that society. If the groom allowed the mother to put the blanket into his hut and they used it to consummate....they were married in the eyes of that society.

In Western culture, the idea of a father "giving" his daughter to a man is reprehensible to many men, including Christian men. It's one thing for the parents of the bride and groom to be on board with the union... quite another for the parents to act like we are living in the first Century. In the West, the father walking his white-clad daughter down the aisle to "give" her to her groom isn't indicative of ownership being transferred, but rather of the joyful agreement of the union about to take place. I was in a Sunday School class where this subject was being discussed and was surprised at how many men were aghast at the idea that a young man ask his permission to date his daughter. One guy said, "If any guy asked my permission to date my daughter, I'd say no... just because if he's such a jerk to think she couldn't make up her own mind about it, I wouldn't want him dating her!"

That truly surprised me, especially since almost all the men and women there were in total agreement. I was much younger then, this was about 1987, was single and certainly believed that the Bible taught that no woman could date a guy unless he asked the father's permission.

I think these changes in attitudes have come about for two distinct reason... because we most certainly are living in the days of post-sexual revolution and because men and women marry much older than before. It's one thing for a 18 year old boy to ask permission of a 17 year old girl's father to marry her... it's another if the man is 30 and the woman is 28 and both have been living on their own for years.

As Christians, living in the post-sexual revolution/post-Christian world we live in, I think Danus' post regarding how to apply Christian principles to how we date/court is a good one. There is a need for godly wisdom on the part of singles today. If their parents are Christians and Christians who look on the issue much in the same way Felix does... then asking permission is important because honoring one's parents doesn't change just because society does. But, we Christian parents also need to be wise as well. While Steve and I wouldn't take the attitude that so many in that Sunday School class took, if years down the road some 30 year old comes to ask Steve's permission for Viola's hand in marriage... we also won't be the least surprised, nor even disappointed if we get an excited phone call from our grown daughter about the ring she received.

One principle for Christian dating that I think many couples would be very, very wise to consider though is the idea of chaperoning. In today's society, where sexual activity before marriage is considered so normal that almost all non-Christians and even many who consider themselves Christian wouldn't even consider marrying someone they haven't had sex with... Chaperoning will help keep the sexual temptations at bay. In spite of it being a post-sexual revolution/ post Christian society... fornication is still sin and we are exhorted to refrain from even the appearance of evil. Chaperoning can help in that.

 

[felix]

Ruth married Boaz without going back to her father, as mentioned Abigale married David with no parental involvement.

handy, just on the absence of parental involvement, the examples are only for widows remarrying. A windows or a divorced does not come under the father's control but on their own. We see this in the law of vows (Num 30:9). Both Ruth and Abigale are widows.

 

[handy]

I don't disagree at all about the difference between virgins and widows/divorcees...

But, Numbers 30 has nothing to do with marriage. Numbers 30 has to do with a woman's ability to enter into contracts or vows and her need to do so under her male leadership and the ability of either her father or husband to overturn the vow/contract.

Now, Exodus 22:16 makes a much better case for what you bring up... That if a man were to have sex with a virgin, he was to pay her dowry and marry her... unless her father absolutely forbade it. He would still be on the hook for her dowry though.