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Money and Deception

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GraceAlone

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I agreed to loan my adult son (40 years old) some money to buy a much-needed second car. After I agreed but before I gave him the money (I have not yet given him the money), he told me he was not going to tell his wife that I loaned him the money. I “think†the reason is that they have been working on breaking her excessive dependence on her relatives and so he does not want to tell her that he has now borrowed money from me, although this is the first time he has ever borrowed money from me.

Question: Am I now a party to the deception or is my agreement with my son separate from whatever he tells his wife. If I am now part of the lie, would it be appropriate for me to withdraw my offer to loan the money? As a Christian, I am not comfortable with his deception, but I’m not sure if his lie makes me guilty in this situation.
 
Hi Grace alone and welcome to CF.net. There is a simple way to help your son, and that is to not lend him money thus making him your servant, but giving the money to him. He need not then make excuses to his wife, and your conscience is clear. Over time I have given many sums of money to brethren also and it has always been repaid, but if not you have lent to the Lord.

Blessings in Christ Jesus. :wave
 
GraceAlone said:
I agreed to loan my adult son (40 years old) some money to buy a much-needed second car. After I agreed but before I gave him the money (I have not yet given him the money), he told me he was not going to tell his wife that I loaned him the money. I “think” the reason is that they have been working on breaking her excessive dependence on her relatives and so he does not want to tell her that he has now borrowed money from me, although this is the first time he has ever borrowed money from me.

Question: Am I now a party to the deception or is my agreement with my son separate from whatever he tells his wife. If I am now part of the lie, would it be appropriate for me to withdraw my offer to loan the money? As a Christian, I am not comfortable with his deception, but I’m not sure if his lie makes me guilty in this situation.
Click to expand...

I am a huge open and honesty fan. If your son tells you he is being deceptive with his wife why do you believe he is being completely honest with you?

I would not give him the money. They have problems that I would not to be tangled up in.
 
It seems your son is just as dependent on you as his wife is on her family, my goodness! he's forty years old! he can't go to a bank and get a car loan?

when do parents finally push their little birds out of the nest and teach them to fly!
 
Ask questions. That's always the best way to get answers. Explain to him that you have honest concerns about his family's financial situation. Ask him if he minds sharing his checkbook and investments with you. It isn't an insult to him, it is a wise action taken by a concerned father. Perhaps he or his wife are spending bingers, or compulsive gamblers, and the money is in fact needed to pay debts. Perhaps she is being unreasonably controlling and rather than confront her, he wants to keep things calm under his roof. You deserve to know that. Of course, buying a "much needed second car" is also a valid excuse, but if they are being good stewards of their money and time, they should be able to swing a reliable car with cash or a loan that isn't exorbitant and leaves them and the finance company equity in such a car.

I think you're being wise to wonder. Put those questions to him, and see what the reaction is. If he has nothing to hide, and his financials check out, Eugene is right, just give him the money and don't worry about whether you get it back or not.
 
thisnumbersdisconnected said:
Ask questions. That's always the best way to get answers. Explain to him that you have honest concerns about his family's financial situation. Ask him if he minds sharing his checkbook and investments with you. It isn't an insult to him, it is a wise action taken by a concerned father. Perhaps he or his wife are spending bingers, or compulsive gamblers, and the money is in fact needed to pay debts. Perhaps she is being unreasonably controlling and rather than confront her, he wants to keep things calm under his roof. You deserve to know that. Of course, buying a "much needed second car" is also a valid excuse, but if they are being good stewards of their money and time, they should be able to swing a reliable car with cash or a loan that isn't exorbitant and leaves them and the finance company equity in such a car.

I think you're being wise to wonder. Put those questions to him, and see what the reaction is. If he has nothing to hide, and his financials check out, Eugene is right, just give him the money and don't worry about whether you get it back or not.
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For some reason I view this poster as a single woman in her 60's who probably cannot afford to give away money to her 40 year old son.

You see the OP as a father who can afford to gift the money.


:chin
 
GraceAlone said:
I agreed to loan my adult son (40 years old) some money to buy a much-needed second car. After I agreed but before I gave him the money (I have not yet given him the money), he told me he was not going to tell his wife that I loaned him the money. I “think†the reason is that they have been working on breaking her excessive dependence on her relatives and so he does not want to tell her that he has now borrowed money from me, although this is the first time he has ever borrowed money from me.

Question: Am I now a party to the deception or is my agreement with my son separate from whatever he tells his wife. If I am now part of the lie, would it be appropriate for me to withdraw my offer to loan the money? As a Christian, I am not comfortable with his deception, but I’m not sure if his lie makes me guilty in this situation.
Click to expand...


If he doesn't tell his wife you lent him the money that isn't necessarily lying. It could be just withholding information. If he tells her someone he knew lent him the money, that's not a lie. If he says it was money from savings or he borrowed it from the bank, that's a lie.

We aren't supposed to lie to one another. But I know of no commandment that forbids keeping secrets. In general, it may not be ideal to keep secrets from your spouse, but I don't know how we can say it is a sin, necessarily, to do so if the situation calls for it.

IMO, it is likely that a wife is going to ask her husband where he got the money to buy a vehicle.
 
Another thought, as an honesty issue, you want to stay true to your word. You've committed to lend the money. You don't have to put conditions on lending the money, but when you put it in his hand, you can say, "I am going to lend you this money, but I don't want you to lie to your wife about where you got the money for the car." He may feel more obligated not to lie then, and you aren't being a party to it while still helping him out.
 
 
President said:
Another thought, as an honesty issue, you want to stay true to your word. You've committed to lend the money. You don't have to put conditions on lending the money, but when you put it in his hand, you can say, "I am going to lend you this money, but I don't want you to lie to your wife about where you got the money for the car." He may feel more obligated not to lie then, and you aren't being a party to it while still helping him out.
Click to expand...

I like this answer. You help him as you said you would and you give him some guidance as to how he should be honest with his wife. And at the same time he will know you will not participate in a deception.
 
:confusedLOL here again I see this in a differant way.

He did not tell his mother he was going to be deceptive with his wife until "after" she agreeded to loan him they money. I believe he was being deceptive with his mother.
 
Thank you one and all. I much appreciate your insight and wisdom. Yes, I am a single mom, and in the past, my son and his wife have over-spent their budget, going from excellent credit to zero credit, and now slowly building it back up. Today, they can get a loan but at a very high interest rate. I offered the loan to avoid the high interest rate as they are really struggling financially. I’m not in favor of rewarding bad behavior and have stayed away from the problem for the past two years, letting them work it out. Now, however, since they seem to have taken responsibility for this problem and have already paid a very high price for their poor choices, I am comfortable with the loan, except for my son’s deception to his wife. You have each mentioned very good points. I have only loaned what I could do without so I am not worried about being repaid although I am confident that I will be. I could give the money (rather than loan it) except that I think repayment is part of taking responsibility for this problem. I did encourage my son to be honest with his wife, but he seems to think it’s necessary to hide the truth on this issue; and that does not make sense to me, so I agree with you that he is withholding information from me -- but I’m not convinced that he’s “required†to tell me why he does not want to tell her the truth. It’s clear to me that he and his wife have “issues†beyond this loan. I can see that there’s a good case to be made against making the loan at all, although I don’t think that doing so is entirely wrong either. My “hang-up†was whether or not I was guilty by association and my sense from all of you is that I am not. I can stay true to my word and make the loan, and also make it clear that I will not participate in the deception. I feel better. Many thanks to each of you!
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