M
Merry Menagerie
Guest
***********disclaimer****************
This is my personal testimony of how I learned all about grace and faith. It is not to be debated with as it was a major turning point in my life that freed me from bondage and I will not have anyone argue with me, what God has done in my life.
************************************
God used to feel so distant. I didn’t think it at the time, but I never felt as close to God as I do now. Back then I would tell you that he wasn’t distant, and that he was this tangible entity that was with me all day long, I would even tell you I had ‘evidence’ of Him and that he and I had direct communication with each other.
But that was then. That was back when I was always striving to remain saved. That was when my salvation was always in question. That was when I was always trying to ‘be good’ and do the right thing. And it was when I was religiously going to church every Sunday, standing when they said to stand, sitting when they said to sit, closing my eyes in quiet reverence to the Lord when they said , and singing songs to Him with as much passion and gusto as I could muster. Living my life like it belonged to me and that I had to please God this way.
Amazing isn’t it? While I was living this life….in total surrender to the Lord that was taught to me, I still felt so distant and separate from the Lord – but I could never tell you that at the time. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought it was me. I thought I mustn’t be praying or reading enough…but I could feel something wrong inside. Sure it was the false doctrine that I was taught – but it was way more than that. Way more! But I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Sure, I’d say and think all the right things “God is so great…yeah he’s wonderful…I love him so much…yeah great!!! He’s done so much for me…He is so good – yeah so really really good†But still feel this distance between myself and Him. A distance I couldn’t understand or even articulate.
It took me, to turn away from God and live a life that felt, to me like, I was further from God than I had ever been, to realise just how empty my love was for him and now much ‘faith’ I REALLY had. It’s true what the bible says – “Faith, without works is dead†But people don’t realise (and I didn’t at the time either) that the ‘works’ that is referred to in that scripture is not MINE but Gods. I was doing the works…I was doing it all!! I was obedient. I went to church, I read my bible…I thought I loved everyone. I did my best to follow the commandments. I would even tell you that it was because I loved God so much, that I worked so hard to obey Him. And yet….yet I felt dead!!! My faith felt dead!!!
I gave up! I couldn’t do this ‘empty’ obedience and reverence thing anymore. I felt that I had let God down and that he had rejected me because I couldn’t live up to his standard. Little did I realise, the standard I was living was NEVER His….it was a standard of religion. Made up of mere mortals all trying to feel closer to God by all their religious observances. All trying to get to heaven and to please this ‘idol’ they worshipped. And that’s what I felt like he was…a mere idol! Just this ‘thing’ to bow down to…because he was good. And that’s it.
It’s funny, you know, to have walked away from God. Or more accurately TRY to walk away from God. But that’s just it isn’t it? He wouldn’t let me! Oh no…he wouldn’t!! He gave me enough rope to walk away but not enough to hang myself. I shouted at him…..I told him I hated him!! I waved my fist in the air and cursed him!!!! I told him that I didn’t want anything more to do with him and to get out of my life!!!
Now many reading this, would be horrified to see that someone had done that to God. Not to God!!! Goodness no!! But what people don’t realise is that when someone is injured and hurt, they lash out. Like a tiny and frightened wild animal that had been injured …they lash out at the ones helping them. Not because they don’t want to be helped…but because they are scared and in pain. They are afraid and don’t know what’s good for them. That was me! I was a pathetic, injured wild animal who was living a constant life of fear and dread.
Oh no, I didn’t look it, not to the people around…no…I put up a good front, but deep inside I was dying. I didn’t really hate God…I wasn’t even angry at him. I didn’t mean any of those things I said to Him…I was just confused and hurt and I needed help but didn’t know it. He’d try to help me, and out of fear and pain I’d lash out at Him…..not realising what I needed or what I was really doing. The Lord’s words come to my mind right now “Forgive them father for they know not what they doâ€Â
That’s the point…I didn’t know. But He did! He knew my heart the whole time. He knew I didn’t really want to be like that…He knew I really needed His help. And he knew the damage that had been done to me, by the hands of man, was what was hindering me to see his face, at that time. But he didn’t give up on me! NO!!!! He didn’t. NO WAY WAS HE GOING TO LEAVE HIS CHILD TO LAY DOWN AND DIE AND ROT OUT THERE!
He brought me back. I was broken, hungry and naked. I had nothing left! NOTHING!!!! I was wandering around in a cold and scary wilderness. Cold and all alone. Oh I wish I could hear a voice…any voice! Just so I knew I wasn’t alone. Is there someone? Anyone?
And then I heard it…I heard someone calling me. At first it was faint and distant and as I cocked my head I listened. There it was again…my name! Someone was calling my name! Oh the elation!!! Oh the relief!!! To know that there was somebody calling my name…looking for me. I wasn’t forgotten! So I listened…there it was again! A lot clearer this time.
I ran towards the call. I ran as fast as I could. “I’m coming!!†I cried, “Where are you? I can’t see youâ€Â. But there was no one there. I couldn’t find where the voice was coming from. What a cruel joke! To know that someone was there…to hear them call my name, to know that I was being sought after. But never actually finding who it was that called.
I Threw myself to the ground in utter exhaustion. Then suddenly, in the inky blackness, I looked up with tears streaming down my face and I saw Him – all shining…standing there with His arms open wide. Just standing there looking at me with an adoration I have never seen. He found me!!!
Oh how comfortable he looked!!! A nice warm little cottage in the middle of nowhere…a fireplace, some clean clothes and some lovely broth warming by the fire. How could I NOT return to him? I ask you….who could reject His loving arms…knowing that you were going to be held close to His heart and your wounds were going to be healed? Who would reject an offer of a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your belly…when you were feeling so cold and desolate and empty inside? There was no choice to make! None!!! I followed His lead. And I returned to my Daddy’s house where I threw myself into his loving arms and just laid there sobbing. Sobbing into his strong, strong shoulder. Sobbing for all it was worth…for all the pain that I’d been through. For all the wrongs done in my life. For all the people who tried to destroy my soul. And most of all I cried for my own hand in it as well.
I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t apologised or ask his forgiveness…I didn’t need to! I knew at that moment I had his forgiveness and I had his love and I had his grace! I knew it! I had it all!!!!
It took me to lose Him to realise what I had all along! I felt so distant from God but now….I feel like I’m a part of Him. Him and I are one! We are one! When he moves, I move. When I try and go it my own way…he quickly reminds me of where that had led me before. My life is not my own – my life is God. It’s no longer I that lives but Christ that lives in me. My works are dead…dead faith!!! HIS WORKS ARE EVERYTHING. His works saves, heals, loves and restores! My works mean nothing. He is not distant…he is not my idol…HE IS MY FATHER!!!!!!
Today, I look at all those people religiously going to church every Sunday. I watch them go through all the motions, never realising what it is to really abide in his grace. Never knowing the freedom and liberty that comes when you realise that it’s not you…it’s not your obedience and works and efforts that make the difference. It’s not about you being ‘good’ or ‘doing’ good. It’s not about, striving for salvation, striving for his favour and love. It’s about knowing that even when you were yet sinners He sent his son to die for you. You didn’t deserve it and you don’t deserve it now.
There is nothing you can do to warrant what He does for you – nothing! He sent Christ to die when you could do nothing and He continues to KEEP you when you can do nothing. And that’s true freedom! It’s humbling when you realise that it’s not about you. It’s not about your power to not sin and to do good, that keeps you saved. No!!! It’s not about you! It’s Him! It’s HIS power, it’s HIS goodness and it’s HIS perfect righteousness that’s going to keep you till all is revealed on the last day.
I watch these people and think that it’s only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before they fall flat on their face with the realisation that they really can’t do it. It’s only a matter of time before they are broken. Because, when you’re broken and lost, you realise you cannot rely on your own strength…and you are forced to look up and rely on HIS strength. You realise just how small your efforts really are and How big and powerful He is. And when this happens…growth happens. And a realisation of what His love really means. And how unconditional His love and grace is. And until then, no one really knows the full meaning of His love and His grace until they have nothing left to rely on but HIM! Until they are broken and left with nothing, not their religious observances, not their institutions they call ‘church’, no rules and regulations to rely on…not their own filthy works and understanding. But when they are left with nothing to fall back on and no crutch and have no choice but to trust in HIS love, and HIS grace and HIS works. And to fall back into HIS arms. Then they’ll know.
This is my personal testimony of how I learned all about grace and faith. It is not to be debated with as it was a major turning point in my life that freed me from bondage and I will not have anyone argue with me, what God has done in my life.
************************************
God used to feel so distant. I didn’t think it at the time, but I never felt as close to God as I do now. Back then I would tell you that he wasn’t distant, and that he was this tangible entity that was with me all day long, I would even tell you I had ‘evidence’ of Him and that he and I had direct communication with each other.
But that was then. That was back when I was always striving to remain saved. That was when my salvation was always in question. That was when I was always trying to ‘be good’ and do the right thing. And it was when I was religiously going to church every Sunday, standing when they said to stand, sitting when they said to sit, closing my eyes in quiet reverence to the Lord when they said , and singing songs to Him with as much passion and gusto as I could muster. Living my life like it belonged to me and that I had to please God this way.
Amazing isn’t it? While I was living this life….in total surrender to the Lord that was taught to me, I still felt so distant and separate from the Lord – but I could never tell you that at the time. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought it was me. I thought I mustn’t be praying or reading enough…but I could feel something wrong inside. Sure it was the false doctrine that I was taught – but it was way more than that. Way more! But I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Sure, I’d say and think all the right things “God is so great…yeah he’s wonderful…I love him so much…yeah great!!! He’s done so much for me…He is so good – yeah so really really good†But still feel this distance between myself and Him. A distance I couldn’t understand or even articulate.
It took me, to turn away from God and live a life that felt, to me like, I was further from God than I had ever been, to realise just how empty my love was for him and now much ‘faith’ I REALLY had. It’s true what the bible says – “Faith, without works is dead†But people don’t realise (and I didn’t at the time either) that the ‘works’ that is referred to in that scripture is not MINE but Gods. I was doing the works…I was doing it all!! I was obedient. I went to church, I read my bible…I thought I loved everyone. I did my best to follow the commandments. I would even tell you that it was because I loved God so much, that I worked so hard to obey Him. And yet….yet I felt dead!!! My faith felt dead!!!
I gave up! I couldn’t do this ‘empty’ obedience and reverence thing anymore. I felt that I had let God down and that he had rejected me because I couldn’t live up to his standard. Little did I realise, the standard I was living was NEVER His….it was a standard of religion. Made up of mere mortals all trying to feel closer to God by all their religious observances. All trying to get to heaven and to please this ‘idol’ they worshipped. And that’s what I felt like he was…a mere idol! Just this ‘thing’ to bow down to…because he was good. And that’s it.
It’s funny, you know, to have walked away from God. Or more accurately TRY to walk away from God. But that’s just it isn’t it? He wouldn’t let me! Oh no…he wouldn’t!! He gave me enough rope to walk away but not enough to hang myself. I shouted at him…..I told him I hated him!! I waved my fist in the air and cursed him!!!! I told him that I didn’t want anything more to do with him and to get out of my life!!!
Now many reading this, would be horrified to see that someone had done that to God. Not to God!!! Goodness no!! But what people don’t realise is that when someone is injured and hurt, they lash out. Like a tiny and frightened wild animal that had been injured …they lash out at the ones helping them. Not because they don’t want to be helped…but because they are scared and in pain. They are afraid and don’t know what’s good for them. That was me! I was a pathetic, injured wild animal who was living a constant life of fear and dread.
Oh no, I didn’t look it, not to the people around…no…I put up a good front, but deep inside I was dying. I didn’t really hate God…I wasn’t even angry at him. I didn’t mean any of those things I said to Him…I was just confused and hurt and I needed help but didn’t know it. He’d try to help me, and out of fear and pain I’d lash out at Him…..not realising what I needed or what I was really doing. The Lord’s words come to my mind right now “Forgive them father for they know not what they doâ€Â
That’s the point…I didn’t know. But He did! He knew my heart the whole time. He knew I didn’t really want to be like that…He knew I really needed His help. And he knew the damage that had been done to me, by the hands of man, was what was hindering me to see his face, at that time. But he didn’t give up on me! NO!!!! He didn’t. NO WAY WAS HE GOING TO LEAVE HIS CHILD TO LAY DOWN AND DIE AND ROT OUT THERE!
He brought me back. I was broken, hungry and naked. I had nothing left! NOTHING!!!! I was wandering around in a cold and scary wilderness. Cold and all alone. Oh I wish I could hear a voice…any voice! Just so I knew I wasn’t alone. Is there someone? Anyone?
And then I heard it…I heard someone calling me. At first it was faint and distant and as I cocked my head I listened. There it was again…my name! Someone was calling my name! Oh the elation!!! Oh the relief!!! To know that there was somebody calling my name…looking for me. I wasn’t forgotten! So I listened…there it was again! A lot clearer this time.
I ran towards the call. I ran as fast as I could. “I’m coming!!†I cried, “Where are you? I can’t see youâ€Â. But there was no one there. I couldn’t find where the voice was coming from. What a cruel joke! To know that someone was there…to hear them call my name, to know that I was being sought after. But never actually finding who it was that called.
I Threw myself to the ground in utter exhaustion. Then suddenly, in the inky blackness, I looked up with tears streaming down my face and I saw Him – all shining…standing there with His arms open wide. Just standing there looking at me with an adoration I have never seen. He found me!!!
Oh how comfortable he looked!!! A nice warm little cottage in the middle of nowhere…a fireplace, some clean clothes and some lovely broth warming by the fire. How could I NOT return to him? I ask you….who could reject His loving arms…knowing that you were going to be held close to His heart and your wounds were going to be healed? Who would reject an offer of a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your belly…when you were feeling so cold and desolate and empty inside? There was no choice to make! None!!! I followed His lead. And I returned to my Daddy’s house where I threw myself into his loving arms and just laid there sobbing. Sobbing into his strong, strong shoulder. Sobbing for all it was worth…for all the pain that I’d been through. For all the wrongs done in my life. For all the people who tried to destroy my soul. And most of all I cried for my own hand in it as well.
I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t apologised or ask his forgiveness…I didn’t need to! I knew at that moment I had his forgiveness and I had his love and I had his grace! I knew it! I had it all!!!!
It took me to lose Him to realise what I had all along! I felt so distant from God but now….I feel like I’m a part of Him. Him and I are one! We are one! When he moves, I move. When I try and go it my own way…he quickly reminds me of where that had led me before. My life is not my own – my life is God. It’s no longer I that lives but Christ that lives in me. My works are dead…dead faith!!! HIS WORKS ARE EVERYTHING. His works saves, heals, loves and restores! My works mean nothing. He is not distant…he is not my idol…HE IS MY FATHER!!!!!!
Today, I look at all those people religiously going to church every Sunday. I watch them go through all the motions, never realising what it is to really abide in his grace. Never knowing the freedom and liberty that comes when you realise that it’s not you…it’s not your obedience and works and efforts that make the difference. It’s not about you being ‘good’ or ‘doing’ good. It’s not about, striving for salvation, striving for his favour and love. It’s about knowing that even when you were yet sinners He sent his son to die for you. You didn’t deserve it and you don’t deserve it now.
There is nothing you can do to warrant what He does for you – nothing! He sent Christ to die when you could do nothing and He continues to KEEP you when you can do nothing. And that’s true freedom! It’s humbling when you realise that it’s not about you. It’s not about your power to not sin and to do good, that keeps you saved. No!!! It’s not about you! It’s Him! It’s HIS power, it’s HIS goodness and it’s HIS perfect righteousness that’s going to keep you till all is revealed on the last day.
I watch these people and think that it’s only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before they fall flat on their face with the realisation that they really can’t do it. It’s only a matter of time before they are broken. Because, when you’re broken and lost, you realise you cannot rely on your own strength…and you are forced to look up and rely on HIS strength. You realise just how small your efforts really are and How big and powerful He is. And when this happens…growth happens. And a realisation of what His love really means. And how unconditional His love and grace is. And until then, no one really knows the full meaning of His love and His grace until they have nothing left to rely on but HIM! Until they are broken and left with nothing, not their religious observances, not their institutions they call ‘church’, no rules and regulations to rely on…not their own filthy works and understanding. But when they are left with nothing to fall back on and no crutch and have no choice but to trust in HIS love, and HIS grace and HIS works. And to fall back into HIS arms. Then they’ll know.
