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[ Testimony ] My Testimony

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Luminous_Rose

Luminous_Rose

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You know, I love to hear testimonies and when I have thought about it, I've never really told my own. It almost terrifies me to tell it, but I have been so reserved over the years about certain details for fear of judgement. I hope I can gain the courage to one day tell my own testimony and hopefully help lead others to Christ. I think the only person I have honestly confided in is my husband when it comes to my testimony. I know that testimonies are such a powerful tool and they can help us relate to others. Sometimes a testimony is all it takes to start leading another in the right direction, towards Christ. Perhaps here is a good place to start. Bear with me, it's a bit long:

I was born into a family that attended a Church of Christ - I went there even before I remembered. I had a skewed idea of what church was honestly about. As a child, it was about seeing my best friends and coloring/drawing throughout the service and then hoping I could hang out with them all afternoon. When I got old enough that my parents felt I should be listening to the sermon instead of drawing, it seemed interesting at first. By the time I was a teenager, I felt I understood quite a bit or at least enough about what Jesus did for us that I made the decision to be baptized when I was 13. I can say that it was the most amazing feeling. I was baptized in the church baptistry during the youth study. My father baptized me and I remember walking into the water and it was the COLDEST water ever. The elder/owner of that church told me after lunch (before youth study) that, "It takes about 4 hours for that water to heat up for the baptistry. We can do it later if you would like. Otherwise, it will be cold - I must warn you." I didn't care if it was cold, that wasn't an issue in my mind. When my father asked me if I believed that Jesus Christ was my Savior and the Son of the Living God, I was happy to say, "Yes!" through the shivers I was trying to hide from my peers. When I went down it was cold, but felt like it was longer than just going down and coming up, maybe it was the cold or just that awesome moment. When I came up out of the water, it felt that angels had lifted a coat of pure burden from me and I was a million times lighter. It was such an uplifting feeling that I can't explain. These days I can completely explain and say that it was without doubt The Holy Spirit moving through me. I felt so sure of following God and holding tight as he used me for the plan He had for my life. I had a strong sense of peace.

It seemed that after a couple weeks, darkness crept into my life. I can't explain it exactly because it's not like a dark event happened around that time. Perhaps it became hassle going to church, and it became a place I despised and I wasn't sure why. My mom especially acted like we had to be perfect to attend service (clothes washed the night before, no wrinkles, and we must shower the night before - not dumb rules, but if there were a couple wrinkles she didn't like even after clothing we de-wrinkled, it would mean getting yelled at). I remember my sister had a cold and couldn't stop sniveling and on the drive to church, my mom stomped on her breaks when my sister sniffed a few times and said, "That is so annoying in church!" She turned the car around, dropped my sister off, and said since she wasn't well enough to attend service she couldn't do anything the rest of the day. It was awful, it felt like darkness had really made a home at our house where there was a lot of fighting between me and my siblings...a lot of yelling between us and our parents. It felt difficult to be at home. Darkness smiled upon those times.

By the time I hit high school, I became depressed. I had a medical diagnosis for a seizure disorder a few years before I got baptized, and it wasn't under control until the end of my high school years. It was hard to make friends and I was seeing doctors, doing tests, and felt fatigued all the time. I did not feel like hanging out with friends. The medical diagnosis changed my life, and of course without a doubt, was scary. There were weekends where I was spending the whole time recovering from a seizure that I tried to hide from everybody. I was ashamed. There was a time where I made friends my freshman year, and then I had an epileptic seizure in front of them. I thank God for protecting me that day. I had a seizure a few feet away from the nurse's office and I am thankful I did not have to watch what happened. I was also wearing my backpack, which I am thankful for because when I fell backwards, I didn't hit my head (this is the only time I can be thankful for all those heavy high school books). I must have frightened my friend because she did not talk to me again.
 
Cont.

Another time, I wasn't thinking right and feeling ill in a classroom upstairs in the high school and I think according to protocol teachers are supposed to use the elevators, but instead I walked down two flights of stairs. I thank God that I did not have a seizure and fall. I did have a seizure when I got into the nurse's office...joy. I actually didn't remember it. I thought I had fallen asleep and I woke up and saw my mom and said, "Oh, mom! You're here!" and grabbed my stuff, but my mom and the nurse's were pushing me back saying, "No! No! No! No! Lay back down! You just had a seizure!" Ugh, so much for going home. In my freshman year I forgot who I was - my name, my classes, my schedule. The security thought I was a lost freshman that forgot my schedule because I was in fact, a freshman. It was only after about 3 times of wandering back and forth that he thought something was wrong and took me to the school police officer and they thought I had alcohol or drugs in my system. That was a lot of fun going to the hospital for drug tests and all....not. I had to stay in the nurse's office while they searched my stuff and everything. I also had detention that I got waived due to medical.

Out of all those instances, I was never severely injured, but I was always feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Especially when I had concerned friends saying, "I didn't see you on the bus - where were you?" and things like that. Sometimes I would just say I missed the bus and such because I didn't get there in time as it does happens in a big school like that.

There was one instance in particular that stood out at me and I remember it so vividly that it scares me. I stayed up late on the computer (again) one night and then went to lay in bed around 3 a.m. or so. I remember looking up at the ceiling and then I was asleep, but I felt like I was having a nightmare. I felt intense tremoring in my arms and could not move them or control them - I was terrified that I couldn't even lift them with all the strength I tried to use. I figured, "I will sit up and wake up from this nightmare." I tried to sit up and it wasn't working. I must have blacked out somewhere in there because next thing I remember I was on my side instead of my back. I was curled up and felt that all of my air was escaping from my lungs. I tried to scream, "HELP!" But with the lack of air, I was not loud enough and it was but a whisper. I thought about people that were important to me extremely fast and said, "Dear Father, this is it - please be with those that will be mourning over me." and I couldn't catch air - I blacked out and for me, it was just that....darkness.

I knew sometimes when I had seizures, my temperature would get too low, I would lose oxygen, and my heart would sometimes stop but it has always started again by the grace of God. I'm not sure how much time had passed by, but I woke up still on my bed curled to the side. I was somehow in the middle of the bed - I did not fall off after blacking out. My pillow was tucked between the frame and the bed at the top of the mattress and the blankets were squished far beneath my feet stuck between the frame and the mattress. There was nothing for me to suffocate on, and I thank God for that. I couldn't have been in a safer position, and felt God had been watching over me that night when I was alone and I couldn't cry for help. I didn't even have warning seizure was coming.

Although, my days were still full of depression. I was a full blown internet and video game addict as I didn't care about anything else. I don't know if my parents suspecting anything because I could hide it well and did my homework at school instead of at home so it was all done and my grades weren't slipping, but it was so hard because I didn't have the motivation half of the time. I didn't want to hang out with others. The only times I got out were for school and church on Sunday. I could stay on the computer for 12 - 17 hours at a time, but it was intermittent because we only had 1 family computer and I would hog it most of the time. If I wasn't on the computer, I was playing video games. My lifestyle was definitely unhealthy and I wasn't reading my Bible as I should've been. My father confronted me and said, "Why are you on the computer so much?" and I said, "Because it's fun and all my friends are online." and he said, "You know, there is no computer in Heaven. You don't need it." Then I said, "If there's no computer in Heaven then that's not where I want to be." When I heard those words came out of my mouth, I couldn't believe it - it's like they just poured out. I knew I had a problem.

I would still pray every night, "What is wrong with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please, guide me dear Father!" I fought with every ounce of my being to hang on to the fact that God existed. I knew He did, and I could not dismiss it in my heart or mind even if I wanted to. I, at times, felt that I should take my own life...but could never do it because I was afraid of leaving others to take care of everything had I passed on. I knew God had a plan in my life...somewhere He did. I could never get my questions about Christianity answered or shown supporting verses and facts about the culture and times the books were written. It made me cling on to a cliff...God was there saying, "Take my hand," but I didn't know how to keep hanging on. I also eventually prayed, "I pray that one day I will be able to get married and have kids. I also pray that my husband would be a good Biblical influence on me."

Years later I did meet someone, we dated, and we eventually married. They answered my questions about Christianity and the Bible clear as crystal. I wanted to cry, I felt like I was so blind for years and for the first time saw something in the Bible that made sense and wasn't all gibberish. I ended up leaving that church, as in the end I did not agree with their doctrine hardly at all. I felt that God gave me the right person. At this point, I had used the computer so much less that I didn't need it at all. To this day, I am still careful about my use because I fear slipping back into addiction and ignoring everyone around me and I don't want that, but I know that when I cling to God's word - it fills any void I have in life and I am not drawn to such an object.

We have our struggles every day about things, of course, and a few years of our marriage we really focused too much on things like money. We got involved with other individuals who tried to separate my husband and I apart (long stories here), but we never separated, thankfully. We toughed it out, and it's always been worth it. We also one time moved far away to the opposite end of the country, and on our way I felt this nagging like, "Turn the car around," about 1/3 of the way through our trip, but thought, "Nah, it's the nerves of moving to an unfamiliar place and I don't want my husband mad at me." When we traveled a few states more, my husband told me he had this feeling that we should turn around and go home. I said, "No way, me, too. I didn't want to tell you because I thought it was me." and he said, "Same." We did get to our destination and thought about things a bit more. We ended up packing it up and driving all the way back across the country. We're talking over 1,000 miles total. We made a plan before we left what God was putting on our hearts. We wrote it all down. Once we got back, we lost sight of what we were supposed to do. We ended up a couple years later moving away again a few hours away. We were pulled back to the same place. Then, we left again and here we currently are.

God has once again laid on our hearts we must go and do what he is telling us to do so we are going back. It is the hardest thing...it's like we can relate to Jonah so well that it isn't even funny. We have been running and we have been running around in the wilderness. Over the past few months we have been doing our hardest to keep getting focused because this hasn't all been an accident that God is pulling us to where we need to go and we've been fighting him. Each time we move we are miserable as...well, you know - it's not a fun situation. God has also blessed us with two children whom we love and enjoy sharing God's word with. Please, pray for us as we go back to where we are supposed to be...again, and this time we will persevere and get through the tough times instead of running away, to get through the end of the tunnel that God is trying to show us.
 
one thing I like about this forum...its helped me hone my writing style, that and taking online classes. the online classes helped me develop more clarity of thought, etc., and this place helped me develop better flow, appropriate word choice, etc.

point is...just post, keep on postin'. :)
 
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