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Need Advice on Bible. Must Women Obey Their Husbands?

A

Agatha

Guest
Hi everybody, I'm Agatha (not my real name).I am a Christian woman and follow the Bible the best I can but that doesn't mean I don't stumble. One area that I am having trouble with is being obedient to my husband. He is a good man and he knows the Bible almost by heart. On the outside he is Mr. Perfect to everyone at church. At home there are fights because I think that I am smart enough to make choices for myself but he insists that he is the man and that means he makes all the decisions and if I have a problem with it then I have a problem with God.

He tells me what is "healthy" and what I should eat and how much and when and whether I can have desert with him. I'm not fat. I'm in my late 30's, I'm 5'6, and I weigh 135 lbs, but I'm not even allowed to eat the cake that he asked me to bake for him tonight. He tells the guys at church that I'm unruly and it's embarrassing, but he says that the Bible requires him to chastise me for not acting according to Scripture. I could go on and on about the way he uses Scripture to control me, but you probably get the point.

After taking a lot of advice from kind people on the internet in forums like this and I was just starting to adopt a more liberal interpretation of the verses concerning a woman's role, but then I saw a post in a forum by a woman who says that she willingly submits to the husband's authority, even when he's clearly wrong and that she lets him make ALL the decisions. She made me reconsider my views. If she can do it, does that mean I'm not being a good Christian? Should I simply obey my husband like Scripture says?

Agatha
 
Welcome to the site Agatha, I'm glad you're here and hope that you can get some sound advice here.

That's a hard question you pose there. You said that your husband controls you with Scripture...which makes me wonder are you able to study Scripture for yourself? If not why, if so what have you found regarding this subject? The Bible does instruct wives to be subject to their husbands authority as to the Lord (Ephesians 5), but it also tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it (same passage). It sounds to me like your husband is overstepping his authority, and maybe it would be wise to consult your pastor or an elder in the church about this.

I'm sorry that you are in this position, its a hard thing to do submitting to someone that you feel is treating you unjustly. I pray for wisdom on your behalf and that the LORD will soften your husband's heart and strengthen your marriage :pray
 
Welcome to the forums, Agatha. I am also glad God has brought you our way.

I would like to start by citing a few passages of scripture myself about this situation you are in. They have already been alluded to by my wife, Caromurp.

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church." Ephesians 5:22

" Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her; that he might santify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as thier own bodies. he who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it..." Ephesians 5:25-29

As you can see, the first passage makes it clear that yes, indeed, you are to be subject to your husband as if you would be subject to the Lord. I know with his actions this is difficult, but it is no less untrue.

However, as he is your husband, he is to love you MORE than himself. Take this cake situation as an example. Perhaps he could make grounds for saying that he is looking out for you more than himself by eating the cake which is not as healthy as other things can be. However, he himself asked for the cake to be made. He is making himself either a hypocrit or a husband NOT acting in love. Love is not self seeking. (1 Corinthians 13:5) By asking you to make something that is not healthy for you to consume, but he desired, he is seeking his own gain. That is not what Christ did for the church and Paul makes it clear that love is not self seeking.

As for his publicly degrading you, this too is an example where he is not loving you scripturally. When we sinned and failed Christ, he went before God as our atonement and forgiveness not as our accuser before God, and most certainly not other men. This is also unloving in that he is making it clear that he is keeping a record of how you have acted with him in the past. Again 1 Corinthians 13:5 proves his behavior to be unloving. In addition, the Ephesian passage makes it clear that the Husband should assume responsibility for the area's his wife is not meeting God in, not accuse her among the church, but himself.

In this case, you as the wife are not being disobedient to seek counsel. There is no passage teaching that you may not seek the counsel of a Pastor, and since this is true, if your husband does not permitt for this, he is assuming a right he does not have. You should submit as far as not seeing the pastor, but rather presenting your concerns to his wife, or a deacons wife to be relayed to him. This is an issue worth seeking Biblical counsel about. He has made it clear that he is either unchristlike in a portion of his actions or unloving, and honestly both. As a woman of God you are now obligated to seek God's will. When James 4 speaks of discerning God's will, it is not something specifically for a man to do, but rather for any believer.

My wife and I will pray for you and I hope to hear more as things progress.
 
We had a sermon in church last Sunday on this very issue, and the conclusion was that yes, wives are to submit to their husbands but husbands are to lead their wives according to scripture. It sounds to me like your husband is not always leading you in light of the scriptures.

So I agree with what Caroline and Timothy said, and agree that you should seek some counsel from someone like your pastor.

Here's some more scripture to help you; this is what the sermon was on:

1 Peter 3:1-7

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Click to expand...
 
There is nothing that Blazing Bones said that wasn't well biblicly based. I don't know that I could have said it better. Being submissive to your husband does not mean that you don't have your own mind and can make your own decisions. God gave every person their own free will. Not just husbands. I urge you first to pray extremely hard about what God wants of you as a servant to Him. Then, seek the counsel of a pastor or counselor at your church.
 
Hello Agatha~ and welcome to CF Net!

I <personally> think this issue is best discussed among women, so I posted a response to your question in the thread in the ladies Locker room Forum:
Titled: Wifely Submission :yes

I pray for your heart and mind to be guided and guarded by our Lord Jesus Christ~ through every moment of this trial. :nod May the Holy Spirit comfort you ~ and our Heavenly Father keep you safe and secure inside His loving embrace. :heart In all this confusion and stress and season of waiting, I ask our Lord to be your courage and empower you to overcome by the blood of Jesus. I request God to strengthen your innermost person as you rely on Him and His word~ increasingly.

I also ask our Father to speak to your husband~ and urge him to seek men in your fellowship regarding this matter, especially your pastor, and those who will guide him into all truth. May he be renewed in the knowledge of his role as a son of God who walks in submission to his Father~ in loving you sacrificially and by this~ bring honor to God.

I ask these things in the name of Jesus~ :amen
 
First was there anything I posted that was ill advise? Second, is there some reason why a man's opinion on wifely submissions is not helpful in this case or any other case? This topic both sides should be voiced and represented.
 
Hi again~

Gee Blazin' I think your advice was excellent! :thumb

Agatha you were saying that you found a post about submission in a forum, which reflects a different view of submission than what you have been reading in other forums...?

After taking a lot of advice from kind people on the internet in forums like this and I was just starting to adopt a more liberal interpretation of the verses concerning a woman's role, but then I saw a post in a forum by a woman who says that she willingly submits to the husband's authority, even when he's clearly wrong and that she lets him make ALL the decisions. She made me reconsider my views. If she can do it, does that mean I'm not being a good Christian? Should I simply obey my husband like Scripture says?
Click to expand...

We have two threads that are already looking into this subject in depth in our Ladies Forum too. I am thinking if you are aware of other discussions it could assist you more.

God bless you~ :heart

sheshisown~
 
Agatha said:
Hi everybody, I'm Agatha (not my real name).I am a Christian woman and follow the Bible the best I can but that doesn't mean I don't stumble. One area that I am having trouble with is being obedient to my husband. He is a good man and he knows the Bible almost by heart. On the outside he is Mr. Perfect to everyone at church. At home there are fights because I think that I am smart enough to make choices for myself but he insists that he is the man and that means he makes all the decisions and if I have a problem with it then I have a problem with God.

He tells me what is "healthy" and what I should eat and how much and when and whether I can have desert with him. I'm not fat. I'm in my late 30's, I'm 5'6, and I weigh 135 lbs, but I'm not even allowed to eat the cake that he asked me to bake for him tonight. He tells the guys at church that I'm unruly and it's embarrassing, but he says that the Bible requires him to chastise me for not acting according to Scripture. I could go on and on about the way he uses Scripture to control me, but you probably get the point.

After taking a lot of advice from kind people on the internet in forums like this and I was just starting to adopt a more liberal interpretation of the verses concerning a woman's role, but then I saw a post in a forum by a woman who says that she willingly submits to the husband's authority, even when he's clearly wrong and that she lets him make ALL the decisions. She made me reconsider my views. If she can do it, does that mean I'm not being a good Christian? Should I simply obey my husband like Scripture says?

Agatha
Click to expand...
Ok let me ask you a question from scripture. If the government a saint was under was a terrible one, did the saint still need to fulfill Gods commandments to him and obey? The answer is yes.

It sounds to me just from what you have posted that your husband is using wrongly the scritures and is not doing HIS job however that does not matter whatsoever.(that will be between Him and God and God will help deal with him without you having do it).

I am sorry itis hard for you and that this is happening but God uses all things- even things that others mean evil towards us- for OUR GOOD if we love Him. If you will submit to your husband and obey him- and do so gladly as unto the Lord) then you will be blessed and be without blame in Gods sight.- We are told that we are blessed when we suffer wrong when we have done nothing. If you begin to submit to him and just love and respect him and really desire to obey Him as God commands you ( no matter how right or wrong your husband acts) you will be GREATLY BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE.

I also believe that if you do this, in time God will deal with your husband without you needing to do or say anything about his behavior because God loves you and when you are obedient to him regardless, God will begin to not take kindly how your husband uses wrongly the word and does not fulfill his end and the Lord will over time reform Him. It is most helpful to keep salvation and being conformed into the image of Christ in mind in all things becasue if we look at the individual circumstances, we will easily fall out of line with God and our husbands. keep in mind this that peter says to us

1Pe 3:1 ¶ Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;


1Pe 3:2 While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear.


1Pe 3:3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;


1Pe 3:4 But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.


1Pe 3:5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:


1Pe 3:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
 
I agree with some of the earlier posts. I would seek advice from your pastor. Sounds like your husband is manipulating the scripture to get what he wants.
 
Agatha said:
Hi everybody, I'm Agatha (not my real name).I am a Christian woman and follow the Bible the best I can but that doesn't mean I don't stumble. One area that I am having trouble with is being obedient to my husband. He is a good man and he knows the Bible almost by heart. On the outside he is Mr. Perfect to everyone at church. At home there are fights because I think that I am smart enough to make choices for myself but he insists that he is the man and that means he makes all the decisions and if I have a problem with it then I have a problem with God.

He tells me what is "healthy" and what I should eat and how much and when and whether I can have desert with him. I'm not fat. I'm in my late 30's, I'm 5'6, and I weigh 135 lbs, but I'm not even allowed to eat the cake that he asked me to bake for him tonight. He tells the guys at church that I'm unruly and it's embarrassing, but he says that the Bible requires him to chastise me for not acting according to Scripture. I could go on and on about the way he uses Scripture to control me, but you probably get the point.

After taking a lot of advice from kind people on the internet in forums like this and I was just starting to adopt a more liberal interpretation of the verses concerning a woman's role, but then I saw a post in a forum by a woman who says that she willingly submits to the husband's authority, even when he's clearly wrong and that she lets him make ALL the decisions. She made me reconsider my views. If she can do it, does that mean I'm not being a good Christian? Should I simply obey my husband like Scripture says?

Agatha
Click to expand...

If your husband decided that as the wife your time would be better spent preparing him a meal each Sabbath Sunday/Saturday morning instead of going to church while he still did?...

It is true that a woman should be submissive to her husband, but there is a line between submission and slavery. You submit to him as the head of the house (Which I believe the bible actually calls men), that means that in the important decisions of your marriage, if after discussion you two cannot come to agreement, you respect his decision.

It DOES NOT mean he can tell you when and when not to eat cake! That is stupid and selfish and a warping of scripture, he cannot control your every move and thought!

If he told you to stop seeking advice and not talk to your pastor?...

As head of the house he is responsible for making the decisions over how you live your lives etc etc, but attempts to control your every move may be indicative of a downward spiral that you cannot let become an obsession.

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, you should definitely still talk to your pastor, but I believe your husband is overstepping his authority biblically.
 
We always think of chastity as having to do with sex. But that is not all there is to being chaste.

God tells us (1 Peter 3:1-3) that a wife that is obedient to her husband is chaste. The NIV calls it PURITY.

So what would the opposite of obeying a husband be? Impurity? Unchastity?
 
Must Women Obey Their Husbands?

The ideal Christian marriage is when the wife obeys the husband and the husband obeys Christ. If either person falters, things quickly become unpleasant.

What can make things confusing is a false religion instead of real faith. Jesus warned his disciples about something called the "leaven of the Pharisees". (He also warned about the leaven of the Sadducees and Herodians). The Pharisees were blind because they felt that their righteousness came from their own good works (Luke 18).

Christians can also become blind thinking they are fully religious and not knowing that they are only elevating there own strength (the flesh) and have quenched the Spirit.

For the situation where the wife wants to truly follow the Lord and be obedient, but the husband is blinded by a works based religion, you may want to follow the instructions Paul gives to women who are married to unsaved men in 1 Corinthians.

Seeing your husband as lost or blind helps stop a building and burning resentment. You are his only hope. The reason Jesus warned his disciples about the danger of this particular "leaven" is it is frequently unrecoverable. If by your example of Godliness and humility and your constant prayer, he might be given the light of truth to see how far off track he is.

Jesus is truth and truth sets free. Your husband may want to conform your married life as almost a type of religious theater. However, you have an opportunity to bring in the real Jesus and this is the only hope your husband has to be free.
 
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