S
stitchy
Guest
Hi all. I'm new to the forums, and sorta new to Christianity. I'll describe a bit about myself I guess.
I was baptised Catholic as a baby, and I went to a Catholic primary school up until the age of about 10 or 11. After that I went to non-religious schools and eventually lost all ties I had to my religion. I forgot nearly everything I learnt at my primary school about Jesus and God and the Bible.
My childhood was filled with a lot of family violence, and depression has run in my family, so in turn I too am effected by it. Throughout my teenage years I was really unhappy and I turned away from God altogether, believing it was all just a big scam and that believers were being fooled.
I've always had problems accepting who I am. I'm not comfortable with the way my body looks, with how my face looks, I'm constantly wanting to lose weight and going on and off fad diets. I have anorexic tendencies. I have been suicidal and still have these thoughts from time to time even now, when my depression gets really bad. (Random note: Winston Churchill used to call his depression his "black dog", I kinda like that so I've adopted the name too. It fits.)
I'm a "recovering" cutter, which is a habit I have had for the past three or so years. It started because I hated who I am and felt that I needed punishing for being a horrible person. I still feel that I'm horrible, and I do selfish things all the time.
When I was eighteen years old a good friend of mine was killed in a car crash. It was the most devestating part of my life, and the most difficult to get through. I came close to ending my life twice during that time. And I cut. Because I believed that I should be dead rather than he. He was a good person and I felt that if he could not have life, then I was most definitely unworthy. During this time I turned away from God even more, but instead of not believing in his existence I believed he was real, but hated me and was trying to make my life crap. I hated him for a long time.
I'm twenty years old now and in my first year of university. I moved out of home for the first time this year. I've made it through okay, but there were many times I came close to suicide again.
I fell in love with a guy this year who brought me back to going to church. I've been going regularly for about two months now. Not a long time, but I was feeling good.
The guy I fell for won't love me back though, which hurts like nothing has ever hurt. He is so perfect to me in every way, and I know that he'll never see me in the same way. I think about this every day and my black dog creeps up on me.
For a while I was praying to God that I would get a chance with him, just a single chance. I didn't ask that he make the guy fall in love with me. I asked only that I get one single chance someday. But, when I think about it realistically, I don't think it'll ever happen. This guy would be wonderful for me and I think he'd turn my life around (he already has just by being a friend). But I would be absolutely horrible for him... and I would pull him down.
Now I'm feeling very lost about my faith. I don't think I can do Christianity. I don't know what I should believe, and I never know if God is really listening. I try to pray every night but I don't feel like I'm getting any answers. I think I'm doing something wrong, or that God just has no time for me. I wouldn't actually blame him if that were the case. I have been a horrible person for my entire life and every day I feel hurt by something. I am on medication for depression but it only does so much. I want God to come into my life and fix me so that I can be a beautiful, wonderful woman. But I have so many doubts, doubts that I don't want. They are almost automatic though.
I skipped church this week and I fear I'll do it again next week. I'm feeling like turning away from God again. And today I had more suicidal thoughts.
That's an awful lot to type into an introductory thread, but I figured I'd tell it all because I need help. I joined this forum in hopes that I might be able to find that help... or at least, in the hopes that someone might be able to show/explain to me how I can get that help from God... before I give up on him entirely.
Thankyou for reading... sorry it's such a downer!
I was baptised Catholic as a baby, and I went to a Catholic primary school up until the age of about 10 or 11. After that I went to non-religious schools and eventually lost all ties I had to my religion. I forgot nearly everything I learnt at my primary school about Jesus and God and the Bible.
My childhood was filled with a lot of family violence, and depression has run in my family, so in turn I too am effected by it. Throughout my teenage years I was really unhappy and I turned away from God altogether, believing it was all just a big scam and that believers were being fooled.
I've always had problems accepting who I am. I'm not comfortable with the way my body looks, with how my face looks, I'm constantly wanting to lose weight and going on and off fad diets. I have anorexic tendencies. I have been suicidal and still have these thoughts from time to time even now, when my depression gets really bad. (Random note: Winston Churchill used to call his depression his "black dog", I kinda like that so I've adopted the name too. It fits.)
I'm a "recovering" cutter, which is a habit I have had for the past three or so years. It started because I hated who I am and felt that I needed punishing for being a horrible person. I still feel that I'm horrible, and I do selfish things all the time.
When I was eighteen years old a good friend of mine was killed in a car crash. It was the most devestating part of my life, and the most difficult to get through. I came close to ending my life twice during that time. And I cut. Because I believed that I should be dead rather than he. He was a good person and I felt that if he could not have life, then I was most definitely unworthy. During this time I turned away from God even more, but instead of not believing in his existence I believed he was real, but hated me and was trying to make my life crap. I hated him for a long time.
I'm twenty years old now and in my first year of university. I moved out of home for the first time this year. I've made it through okay, but there were many times I came close to suicide again.
I fell in love with a guy this year who brought me back to going to church. I've been going regularly for about two months now. Not a long time, but I was feeling good.
The guy I fell for won't love me back though, which hurts like nothing has ever hurt. He is so perfect to me in every way, and I know that he'll never see me in the same way. I think about this every day and my black dog creeps up on me.
For a while I was praying to God that I would get a chance with him, just a single chance. I didn't ask that he make the guy fall in love with me. I asked only that I get one single chance someday. But, when I think about it realistically, I don't think it'll ever happen. This guy would be wonderful for me and I think he'd turn my life around (he already has just by being a friend). But I would be absolutely horrible for him... and I would pull him down.
Now I'm feeling very lost about my faith. I don't think I can do Christianity. I don't know what I should believe, and I never know if God is really listening. I try to pray every night but I don't feel like I'm getting any answers. I think I'm doing something wrong, or that God just has no time for me. I wouldn't actually blame him if that were the case. I have been a horrible person for my entire life and every day I feel hurt by something. I am on medication for depression but it only does so much. I want God to come into my life and fix me so that I can be a beautiful, wonderful woman. But I have so many doubts, doubts that I don't want. They are almost automatic though.
I skipped church this week and I fear I'll do it again next week. I'm feeling like turning away from God again. And today I had more suicidal thoughts.
That's an awful lot to type into an introductory thread, but I figured I'd tell it all because I need help. I joined this forum in hopes that I might be able to find that help... or at least, in the hopes that someone might be able to show/explain to me how I can get that help from God... before I give up on him entirely.
Thankyou for reading... sorry it's such a downer!