One Liners

[Judy]

One Liners



Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.



Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.



Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.



Who stopped payment on my reality check?



When there's a will, I want to be in it



The shortest distance between two points is under construction.



The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.



Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.



I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.



Death is hereditary.

 

[bibleberean]

"Don't lose your temper nobody else wants it."

"The Lord giveth the government taketh away."

"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"

"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese"

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have"

"Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! "

 

[Judy]

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.

A careless word may kindle strife.
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A timely word may level stress.
A loving word may heal and bless.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

A computer beat me at chess once.
But, it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Be careful of the words you say.
And keep them soft and sweet.
For you never know from day to day.
Which ones you'll have to eat.

Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. (Abraham Lincoln)

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. (Rev. Larry Lorenzoni)

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. (Michael McGriff, M.D.)

Blessed is he who, having nothing to say, refrained from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Copy from one its plagiarism.
Copy from two its research.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

He who angers you controls you!

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass. (George Herbert)
He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he wishes he had.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!

He who kneels the most stands best. (D.L. Moody)

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

 

[bibleberean]

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

[huj05]

Just like the little train that could, but then derailed and wiped out a town.

Got a headache? kick yourself in the nuts and your headache will be gone

It could have been worse, it could have happened to me!

So your saying that wasnt chicken?

Jimmy got to 54 licks on is tootsie pop, then he choked and died.

Theres only one bush in my life, and it isnt in DC

Im not as think as you stoned i am.

 

[Eve777]

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .


How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?


I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.


I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."


Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?